Moonless Night
by Mrs. Tara Cullen
Summary: I feel as though Edward's side of New Moon should be told, Moonless night recounts the months Edward is away from Bella. His heartbreak, his mission. New Moon from Edward's perspective.
1. Final Update

Update- September 3rd.

I'm so sorry it took me so long to update this chapter. It's been a weird two weeks. Anyway, I will do my best to make sure the next (and last!) chapter is submitted in a timely fashion. Then it's on to Eclipse!

Thank you so much for your comments!

Xoxo

Tara

Update- September 5th.

Well I'm finished. Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me this far. Look for the first chapter of Eclipse to come soon. Haven't decided what I'll call it yet... hm.

Looking forward to your final reviews.  
Xoxo

Tara

Update- April 2nd

Thank you to everyone who has read Moonless Night and said so many positive things about it. Eventually, I'd like to come back to it and change a few things. It wont be for a while though. For those of you who don't already know, I've started on Eclipse from Edward's POV. It's called Living Stone. Please Check it out and leave me some nice reviews, or awful ones I guess if it sucks. Ha ha.

Thank you for your support, and please check out Living Stone!

Xoxo

Tara


	2. Chapter 1 Party

***I do not own anything. This world is entirely the creation of Stephenie Meyer

Chapter 1

I was restless. The nights I stayed away from Bella always seemed like days, months, years even, rather than the few hours that they actually were. I tried not to watch the clock. Seeing the second hand slowly tick in a relentless circle would only make the time go by slower. I needed a distraction.

Of course I chose her. What other distraction was there? Her warm skin and deep brown eyes, her chocolate brown hair and soft lips, she was my entire existence. Suddenly the familiar intense longing to run to her came to the front of my mind again so I sat at the piano and began Esme's favorite. My fingers moved up and down the keys playing the complicated melody but it wasn't long until her face filled my head again and the song turned into her lullaby.

I smiled. Just hearing the familiar tune made me picture her sleeping. I hadn't been away from her the whole night. Though I didn't stay with her as I usually did, I couldn't fight the urge to see her through the night. I had snuck in through her window, just to catch a glimpse. She was so beautiful when she slept. They way her breathing was slow and shallow, the way her mouth fell slightly open. I was always completely in awe of her but when she slept...

That night she had slept peacefully, which was almost odd for her. I walked to her bedside and brushed her hair from her face.

Her face changed. She looked worried.

I began to think that my touch had disturbed her peaceful dreams. Sleepily, she muttered my name. She was dreaming of me.

Why did she look so...scared? Something in her dream was frightening her and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Was it...me?

I pushed the thought out of my head. I would never harm Bella, she knew that. Or did she? I thought of waking her but I decided to let her sleep. I wouldn't think about it. But now sitting at my piano without her in front of me, without her scent intoxicating me, I couldn't help but think...

_"Bella will be at school in 15 minutes."_

Hearing her name in someone's thoughts other than my own took me out of my stupor and I missed a note. Alice's face was smug when she walked into the room.

"_Neglecting practice?" _She thought.

"I was thinking." I said, slightly embarrassed. Though I new she was only joking, I rarely made any mistakes on the piano, it bothered me that she had noticed. But I had no time to dwell on that. I grabbed the tan leather jacket that hung by the door, picked up my keys and walked to the door, making sure Alice was following me. She held a small silver package in her hand.

"Alice, I don't know if that's such a good..." I began.

"Oh hush Edward," she said in her high trilling voice, "Bella is just going to have to deal with the fact that today is her birthday and we're celebrating."

I knew Bella wasn't thrilled that today was her 18th birthday. Most humans thought of birthdays as joyous occasions, a reason to celebrate. But when did Bella ever have the normal human reaction?

I sighed as I got into my silver Volvo. Alice chirped happily about her plans for Bella's party that evening. She had ordered a cake from Seattle and the flowers were to arrive while we were at school. She would run home a little before Bella and I got there to make sure everything was perfect when Bella arrived. I didn't care how flawless Alice's planning was, how delicious the cake or even how beautiful the decorations were, Bella was not going to like this party.

I frowned.

I wished she wasn't so opposed to gifts and attention. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than to shower her with expensive gifts and take her out to expensive dinners and to exotic places, but she wouldn't have it. So instead we spend most of our time in Forks, with the occasional visit to Port Angeles to catch a movie.

I always drove more quickly to school than I did any other time. I was anxious to be next to her again. To feel the warmth of her body touching my cold hard skin, to breathe in her scent.

We pulled into the parking lot of Forks High School. She wasn't there, I always got here first. I stepped out of my car and leaned against it, Alice danced to lean next to me. The silver package was in her hand and she looked excited.

"Please subdue whatever you're planning. There's no need to make my life harder than it already is." I begged.

"This isn't about you. This is about Bella" She answered.

I smiled. "Oh really? I could have sworn it was about you. Bella after all would prefer if we forgot her birthday all together." I could hear the roar of her engine now, though she was still miles away.

"She'll thank me later." Alice nearly pouted.

Stubborn to the very end. I wrapped my arm around her and gave her a little squeeze. I couldn't blame her for making a big deal out of Bella's birthday. We both wanted the same thing, to spoil this perfect human.

A few minutes later she pulled into Forks High School. Her face still looked worried as she scanned the parking lot, but when her eyes found me standing next to my car they brightened and a smile crept to her lips.

How many times would I see her have this reaction before my silent heart stopped beaming with happiness?

She stepped out of her car and slammed the door to her ancient chevy truck closed. Alice hurried to her side.

"Happy Birthday Bella!" she chimed.

"Shh!" Bella hissed back. She glanced around the parking lot to make sure no one heard her birthday being mentioned.

Alice, undeterred, pressed on. "Do you want to open your presents now or later?"

"No presents." Bella replied flatly.

Alice's face fell. "Ok...later then. Did you like the scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie?"

A small smile crept across Bella's face. Alice's strange gift always amused her.

"Yeah, they're great."

"I think it's a nice idea. You're only a senior once. Might as well document the experience." Alice smiled.

I liked this. I was tired of Alice filling Bella's head with her visions of me turning her into a vampire. I was keeping Bella human if it was the last thing I did.

"How many times have you been a senior?" Bella asked slyly.

"That's different." Alice's tone was flat.

I reached my hand for Bella's, no longer able to keep the distance between us. Her warm skin was exactly the release I needed. I felt the anxiety that always built in me like a tremendous weight disappear. I smiled as I heard her heart beat faster. Her beating, human heart. My favorite sound.

"So, as discussed, I'm not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?"

"Yes that is correct." she replied.

Alice laughed at her serious tone. "Of course you'll enjoy it. Everyone's supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen"

"Getting older." She grumbled. The look of worry reappeared on her face. Could that have been what had been bothering her last night and this morning, was she worried about aging?

"Eighteen isn't very old," Alice said. "Don't women usually wait till they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?"

"It's older than Edward."

"Technically," Alice continued, "Just by one little year though. What time will you be at the house?"

"I didn't know I had plans to be there." Bella said, looking confused.

Alice whined. "Oh be fair Bella! You aren't going to ruin all of our fun like that, are you?"

"I thought my birthday was about what I want?"

I smiled. Even Bella could see straight through Alice. "I'll get her from Charlie's right after school."

Bella's face became determined. "I have to work."

"You don't, actually. I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading you shifts. She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday'." Alice said smugly.

Bella became desperate. "I-I still can't come over. I, well I haven't watched Romeo and Juliet yet for English."

"You have Romeo and Juliet memorized." Alice said.

Bella continued, "Mr. Berty said we need to see it performed to fully appreciate it-- that's how Shakespeare intended for it to be presented."

I rolled my eyes.

"You've already seen the movie." Alice countered.

"Not the nineteen sixties version. Mr. Berty said it was the best."

Alice's mouth became a hard line. "This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or the other--."

I stopped her before she could finish her threat. "Relax, Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can, it's her birthday."

Bella smiled at me.

"So there." she shot at Alice.

"I'll bring her over around seven, that will give you more time to set up."

Alice beamed and laughed. "Sounds good. See you tonight, Bella! It'll be fun, you'll see."

She kissed Bella on the cheek and danced off towards her first class. Her thoughts were excited as she imagined Bella jumping for joy at the sight of the tremendous pink cake and mountain of presents. I knew this is not how Bella would look when she walked into my house tonight, but perhaps I could lighten her mood a little.

She turned to me, her eyes pleading. "Edward, please-"

I put a finger to her lips. "Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class."

I took her hand and we walked at the annoying human pace I was forced to conform to in the presence of humans. We walked to the back of the room and took our seats, still joining hands under our desks. Though most people didn't gawk at us the way they used to, we were still the star subject of the majority of thoughts in the room. Particularly Mike Newton's.

_"I should start being a better friend to Bella. Make her my best friend in fact. Maybe Cullen will slip up one day, hurt her. Then I'll be the shoulder for her to cry on and..." _He thought.

I stopped listening, infuriated. Not only had I grown tired of his annoying fantasies of himself in my place next to Bella, he had pinpointed my exact fear. I did not worry about him comforting Bella from heart break, or comforting her at all. If I hurt Bella, no one would be able to comfort her. She'd be--

No. I wouldn't think about it. I squeezed her hand a little as the lesson began.

As the day progressed, Bella's face was searching. No doubt for a reason to not attend the lavish party that waited for her this evening. I didn't bring up the subject for the rest of the day. I wouldn't give her a chance to use whatever excuse she had come up with.

We walked to lunch together. I grabbed her arm as she tripped and a smile crept to my lips as I saw that it was only a small crack in the sidewalk that she had stumbled over. No other human would have been bothered by it. But if there was something to trip over within any radius of her, Bella would find it and inevitably fall.

I took her through the lunch line. This was always difficult for me. I would like to pick out her favorites, but she never particularly cared for many things on the school's limited menu. Naturally, I would have picked out whatever looked the best, but human food repulsed me. I grabbed a tray.

"Pizza today?" I asked hopefully.

Her face arranged into an expression that told me no.

"What would you like, Bella love?"

She looked at the selection. Her face was not pleased. But she sighed and grabbed an apple and a sandwich. I took the pizza anyway, I needed something for my charade, and perhaps she would want it later. I grabbed two sodas, paid the cashier and walked with Bella to our usual table where Alice was waiting, along with the rest of Bella's friends. Friends who ignored her whenever Alice and I were present.

We sat down and Bella unwrapped her sandwich. Alice looked at me hopefully but I shook my head so Bella couldn't see. Her face fell slightly and I saw her put Bella's small silver box into her bag, too quickly for human eyes to register.

I was right about the pizza. I smiled as she pushed half of her sandwich aside, obviously deciding against the flavor, and reached for the pizza. I played with a strand of her hair while she suspiciously glared at Alice for the remainder of the lunch period. It didn't help that Alice's devious smile never faltered under her glare.

We went through the day uneventfully. No thoughts of Bella's birthday entered the minds of the humans around her, just as she wished. I walked her to her truck after the final bell, but instead of helping her in and then preceding to my Volvo, I opened the passenger door for her.

She folded her arms and the stubborn, childish expression of dislike that I loved so much swept across her face.

"It's my birthday. Don't I get to drive?"

I smiled, this would be easier than I had imagined. "I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished."

"If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight." she said hopefully.

I shut the door and walked around her to the passengers side.

"Fine," I said smugly, "Happy Birthday."

"Shh." She said once again, and her face fell as she walked to the driver's side.

I hated it when we took Bella's car. And I hated it even more when she drove it. The 55 mph speed limit was almost excruciating. I looked for a distraction. My eyes fell on her outdated radio. The radio I knew didn't get any reception and had terrible sound quality. The radio I knew would be replaced by Emmett the second I had Bella in my house that evening. She wouldn't be too thrilled, but maybe I could warm her up to the idea.

Shaking my head, I turned the dial, searching for a radio station with a frown. "Your radio has horrible reception." I said.

She frowned. She always stuck up for her truck like it was a small child that I felt the need to constantly pick on.

"You want a nice stereo? Drive your own car." she said in a sharp, almost angry tone.

I tried not to smile.

When we parked in front of Charlie's house, I moved closer to her, taking her face in my hands.

"You should be in a good mood, today of all days." I said, breathing over her face.

"And if I don't want to be in a good mood?" she asked, her heart rate accelerating.

"Too bad." I said, doing my best to dazzle her, as she once put it.

I kissed her then, a little longer than I normally did. But when her arms wrapped around my neck, I smiled and pulled away.

"Be good, please." I said kissing her one more time, enjoying her heartbeat.

"Do you think I'll ever get better at this?" She asked sheepishly. "That my heart may someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"

She was stroking my ego.

"I really hope not." I said with a smile.

She rolled her eyes and continued.

"Lets go watch the Capulets and the Montagues hack each other up, all right?"

"Your wish, my command." I said.

I sat on the sofa, trying to take up as much space as possible in order to force her to touch me when she sat down, while she skipped through the credits. When she came to sit next to me, she sat on the edge of the sofa, the only place I had not reached to.

I frowned.

Reaching my arms out for her, I pulled her next to me. Her warm body reminded me of the temperature difference and I wrapped the old afghan around her so she wouldn't freeze next to my cold skin.

"You know I've never had much patience for Romeo." I said as he confessed his true love of the girl who was not Juliet.

"What's wrong with Romeo?" Bella asked, offended that I had dared to criticize the great romantic.

"Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline- don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And then a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. That's not very brilliant. Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness anymore thoroughly?"

She sighed. "Do you want me to watch this alone?"

"No, I'll mostly be watching you anyway." I traced my finger over her warm skin. "Will you cry?" I asked hopefully.

"Probably. If I'm paying attention." She said, implying that she wouldn't be. That sounded like the best situation to me, but I didn't want to give her any reason to not come to my house tonight. I pushed her away from me.

"I wont distract you then." I said, though I couldn't stand the new distance between us, and I kissed her hair.

She paid attention to the movie, much to my dismay. I whispered Romeo's lines into her ear as the movie progressed. I was thoroughly amused when Juliet awoke in her tomb next to her dead husband and a tear fell from Bella's eyes.

I wiped her tear away. "I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here."

"She's very pretty." Bella said, as though the beauty of the actress was even comparable to her own.

"I don't envy him the girl- Just the ease of the suicide." I said, disgustedly. "You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts..."

"What?" Bella gasped.

"It was something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning... after he'd realized what he'd become... And clearly he's still in excellent health." I brightened the end of the story, I hated to frighten her.

She turned to look at me. "What are you talking about? What do you mean this is something you had to think about once?"

"Last spring when you were..." It was hard for me to finish this sentence, "nearly killed." The anger that boiled inside of me every time I thought of James being that close to Bella threatened to boil over, but I composed myself and returned to a teasing tone. "Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."

She started shaking her head, a look of remembered horror on her face. I shouldn't have brought this up.

"Contingency plans?" she asked.

I rolled my eyes. How could she assume I would continue to live after she didn't. How could she even imagine that it would even be possible for me to go on in a world where she didn't exist.

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you. But I wasn't sure how to do it- I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help...so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something that would provoke the Volturi."

"What is the Volturi?" Her voice was demanding now.

I pictured them in their billowing black cloaks and piercing red eyes. "The Volturi are a family. A very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years. In the beginning, before he settled in America- Do you remember the story?"

She nodded her head. "Of course I remember."

"Anyway," I continued, "You don't irritate the Volturi. Not unless you want to die. Or whatever it is we do."

Her face contorted into horror and she suddenly grabbed my face between her hands. "You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might ever happen to me, you're not allowed to harm yourself!"

Though if somehow something ever did happen to this perfect human that sat in front of me, regardless of her wishes, I would find away to end my life. But as long as I was with her, her life would never again be threatened, it was a promise I would keep.

"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point." I said.

She got angry then. "Put me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck was my fault! How dare you even think like that!"

I loved the flush of blood that colored her cheeks pink when she got angry.

"What would you do if the situation were reversed?" I asked her.

"It's not the same thing." she said, a look of hurt coming to her eyes.

I chuckled. She was right. The thought of being in a world without her was more painful then she could possibly imagine. It would hurt me infinitely more than my death could even bother her. But this is not what she meant. How could she underestimate the love I felt for her so much?

"What if something did happen to you?" She asked. "Would you want me to go and off myself?"

No. I refused to think of anything hurting her, even if it was her that was doing the hurting.

"I guess I see your point.." I didn't, but I would appease her. "a little. But what would I do without you?"

"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence." she said, exasperated.

What had I done before Bella? Was there even life before Bella? There was certainly nothing without her in the future. Those long decades I had existed before I knew her were distant and dark. She was like a bright light in the darkness of my personal hell, a new moon.

"You make it sound so easy." I said.

"It should be, I'm really not that interesting."

Not that interesting! How could she not see that she was the most fascinating creature in existence? I spent all of my time trying to absorb as much of her as possible, to know all there was to know about her. And she calls herself uninteresting.

I was tired of arguing with her. And I could hear Charlie's thoughts getting closer.

"_Hope Bella will be fine with pizza for dinner. Maybe I should have taken her out for her birthday. But I bet Edward will be there. He wont want dinner and Bella wont want to be without him. She really has an unhealthy obsession with that boy. The mariners better break their losing streak tonight. How long can they expect...."_

I stopped listening. Once Charlie's thoughts turned to baseball, it was over. I turned back to Bella.

"Moot point." I said again, ending the argument. I reluctantly moved her a few inches from me and sat up straight.

"Charlie?" she guessed.

I smiled. Both because at that moment the police cruiser pulled into the driveway and because Bella laced her fingers with mine.

Charlie walked through the front door with a pizza box in his hand.

"Hey, kids." He said with a smile. "I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday. Hungry?"

"Sure, thanks, Dad." Bella said, getting off the couch to eat with her father in the kitchen.

I sat in the living room pretending to be interested in the television while I allowed Bella and her father to enjoy a family dinner. When I saw Charlie push his plate away I walked into the kitchen, now was the time to trap Bella into attending her birthday party.

"Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?" I asked Charlie.

"That's fine- the mariners are playing the sox tonight. So I won't be any kind of company... Here." Charlie threw her the camera Bella had received as a gift that morning.

Why would he think this was an acceptable thing to do with Bella? Surely it wouldn't have been anything for him to toss the camera to any other human, but Bella would have probably dropped it if he'd have handed it to her.

I caught the camera a few inches from the ground.

"Nice save." Charlie said. "If they're doing something fun at the Cullen's tonight, Bella, you should take some pictures. You know how your mother gets- she'll be wanting to see the pictures faster than you can take them."

"Good idea, Charlie." I said with a smile. Bella couldn't refuse now. Her face fell.

She pointed the camera at me. "It works." she said.

"That's good." Charlie added. "Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn't been over for a while."

Bella rolled her eyes. "It's been three days, dad." but she added. "I'll tell her."

The sound of the pre-game show came from the living room.

"Ok, you kids have fun tonight." Charlie said, his thoughts suddenly only focused on the game that evening.

I smiled and took Bella's hand. We walked to her car and I opened the passenger door. To my surprise, she didn't complain. She just climbed in, put her seat belt on and pouted.

I tried to hide a laugh when I got in next to her and stared a car. Thankfully, she didn't notice.

Bella's truck was excruciatingly slow. I gripped the steering wheel tightly as I tried to coax as much speed out of the ancient engine as possible, it groaned.

"Take it easy." Bella said.

"You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power..." I could picture it. Driving Bella to school in her shiny red sports car. Hearing the engine purr and the soft sound of the tires rolling over pavement. Bella wouldn't be allowed to drive it of course, she would be to fragile, delicate. One crash could... kill her. I pushed that thought out of my mind immediately.

"There's nothing wrong with my truck." She said defensively. "And speaking of non-essentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on my birthday presents."

"Not a dime." I replied thinking of the CD wrapped in the silver paper on the piano. How I wished that CD was a fine piece of jewelry or an expensive jacket or plane tickets to Paris, but Bella would hate that.

"Good." She said.

"Can you do me a favor?" I asked. I was thinking about Alice's excited face waiting at home for us. Emmett waiting to install the brand new car stereo. Esme who would love nothing more than to see Bella beaming with happiness in her home.

"That depends on what it is." Bella said, skepticism in her voice.

"Bella, that last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut us a little slack, and don't be too difficult tonight. They're all very excited."

"Fine, I'll behave."

I sensed a little remorse in her voice.

"I probably should warn you.." Saying Emmett's name reminded me of the animosity between Bella and Rosalie.

"Please do." She urged.

"When I say they're all excited... I do mean all of them."

"Everyone?" She struggled. "But I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa."

"Emmett wanted to be here."

"But... Rosalie?" She asked hesitantly.

I thought of Rosalie's face as it had been when she had arrived that morning. She was not too keen to be attending Bella's birthday party, but if Emmett was going to be there, so was she.

"I know, Bella. Don't worry, she'll be on her best behavior."

I saw the distress on her face as she thought about Rosalie. I believe she felt guilty about Rosalie's desire to be on a different continent from her, something I couldn't believe bothered her. If Rosalie wasn't so vain and self absorbed, she would be here all the time, like Emmett wanted.

I changed the subject. "So, if you wont let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything you'd like for your birthday?"

She looked down, avoiding my gaze and whispered. "You know what I want."

I frowned. Why was she so eager to throw away mortality? I was tired of arguing with her about this. She was staying human if it was the last thing I did.

"Not tonight, Bella. Please."

"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want." She said off-handedly.

I growled. The very thought of Alice taking the life of my beautiful Bella made anger boil inside of me.

"This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella." I said. It was a promise.

"That's not fair!" she whined.

My teeth snapped together. I was to angry to say anything for the rest of the drive.

When we finally did pull up to my house we were met by lights glowing from the party decorations. Alice had used her extra time.

Bella moaned.

I was still too angry to speak, but this was her birthday. I took two deep breaths and let them calm me.

"This is a party." I said, hoping I was successfully masking my anger. "Try to be a good sport."

"Sure." She muttered.

I got out of the car and quickly walked to her side, opening her door and offering her my hand.

"I have a question." she said.

My eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"If I develop this film," She began, looking down at the camera. "Will you show up in the picture."

I laughed. Human vampire lore was hilarious. It surprised me sometimes how little Bella really understood of my world, and yet she was so ready to join it. I was still laughing when I opened the front door and ushered her inside.

"Happy Birthday, Bella!" my entire family recited in unison. She blushed. I loved that.

I wrapped my arm around her waist and kissed her on the forehead. She seemed overwhelmed by the explosion of pink that Alice had added to the living room as decoration. There were hundreds of pink roses and a giant pink birthday cake next to a mound of silver wrapped packages sitting on my piano.

Carlisle walked over to us and put an arm around me. He looked at Bella.

"Sorry about this, Bella. We couldn't rein Alice in." He said in a very audible whisper.

Rosalie and Emmett were the next closest. Emmett was grinning wide as we walked to greet the birthday girl, Rosalie was working on keeping her face blank.

"You haven't changed at all," Emmett teased, "I expected a perceptible difference but here you are, red-faced just like always."

"Thanks a lot, Emmett." Bella said, blushing more.

"I have to step out for a second." He winked at Alice. "Don't do anything funny while I'm gone."

"I'll try." She replied, she wasn't angry but her face showed she didn't like Emmett's jabs at her. I didn't either. Even though I knew he harbored no ill feelings towards Bella and he teased her purely out of fun, his jokes fueled the make-me-a-vampire flames.

I smirked as Emmett walked out of the front door, thinking about the new stereo he was about to install. Alice left Jasper's side and danced forward, her hands outreached for Bella's.

_"She's practically family and Edward loves her. Don't breathe. Edward loves her. She isn't just any human. It would ruin my whole family if I... Edward loves her."_

It was hard for me to hear Jasper's thoughts. Though I knew it was hard for him and I knew he would never intentionally harm Bella, he still was struggling to control herself. Every time his thoughts turned to Bella's blood, I protectively hovered closer to her, put my arm around her, positioned myself at all times between her and Jasper.

"Time to open presents." Alice chirped leading Bella to the silver mound on my piano. Bella looked slightly angry. Why couldn't she let us spoil her just this one night. After all, it really wasn't anything special to be spoiled on your birthday.

"Alice, I told you I didn't want anything." She said finally.

"But I didn't listen." Alice replied happily, "Open it." She said smugly handing Bella her first package.

Bella weighed the package in her hands and a confused expression touched her face, when she read the tag on top she looked apprehensive.

When she tore open the paper she seemed to not understand the picture on the box, and when she looked inside the empty box, her confusion seemed only to grow deeper.

"Um..thanks." She said. I smiled, though there really was a present could she be thinking at this moment that we had followed her wishes and actually got her nothing. I laughed silently.

"It's a stereo for your truck." Jasper explained with a laugh, "Emmett's installing it right now so you can't return it."

She grinned. Could she actually be happy about this gift? I began to curse myself for agreeing to her wishes and not buying her something more extravagant.

"Thanks Jasper, Rosalie...." She began. "Thanks Emmett!" She yelled towards the door.

"Open mine and Edward's next!" Alice nearly sang.

She turned to me with a venomous glare. "You promised." She said.

Emmett came in the door, "Just in time." He said happily.

I returned my gaze towards Bella. "I didn't spend a dime." I told her truthfully. I reached up and brushed the air out of her eyes. The movement of her swirled her scent through the room.

_"Edward loves her. EDWARD LOVES HER!" _Jasper thought more forcefully this time.

I moved closer to Bella, he was making me nervous.

Bella inhaled deeply and finally gave in. She looked at Alice. "Give it to me."

I should have taken the gift from her, unwrapped the paper before handing her my pitiful excuse for a gift. I should have insisted that we not open presents in front of my family. I should have agreed to her wishes and forbid my family from purchasing Bella any gift. But I didn't.

I saw it as if it was in slow motion.

_"She's important to my family."_

Bella took the package from Alice.

_"She has her own family. A father and a mother who love her."_

She reached to jerk the tape away from the side of the paper.

_"She is Edward's Alice. It would kill him."_

"Shoot." She said.

A paper cut.

A sharp intake of breath.

A single drop of blood.

_"Mine."_

"NO!" I roared as Jasper's face contorted into uncontrolled fury and he launched himself at her.

I threw my body in front of her, pushing her from Jasper's deadly path. I heard a loud crash, the clatter of bowls and presents and the cake falling to the floor, the shattering of glass, but I couldn't worry about that right now. All of my focus was on my murderous brother.

My brother. Would I kill him? If I had no other way to stop him, what else would I do. I would not, could not let him harm her.

He slammed into me with extreme force, growling from deep inside his chest, snapping his teeth inches away from my face, but I held him. Emmett had him in the next second. Holding him too tightly for Jasper's ravenous struggling to affect his grip. His eyes were filled with wanting as he stared down at my beautiful Bella.

I crouched in front of her, ready if he broke free. Ready to attack. Ready to kill.

Carlisle looked at Emmett. "Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside." he said with authority.

"Come on Jasper." Emmett said solemnly.

Jasper continued to struggle violently against Emmett's unbreakable grip. Rosalie moved in between Jasper and I, blocking his view of Bella and began to help wrestle Jasper through the door that Esme held open.

No one breathed.

Esme turned her face to Bella. If there could have been, there would have been tears in her eyes. She shook her head with deep regret and apology. "I'm so sorry, Bella." She disappeared after Jasper.

"Let me by, Edward."

My teeth were still bared. My hands balled into fists. I was ready to attack. It took me a half a second to register Carlisle's request, but when I did, I relaxed slightly and moved aside.

He moved past me and I froze. I didn't know what I was going to see when I turned to face her. The smell in the air told me that a lot more blood had been spilled then the paper cut. How badly had I hurt her when I flung her away from Jasper?

I turned to look at her. Blood poured from her harm from a deep gash filled with glass. My stomach wrenched but I fought to keep my face stone.

On her face, there was only shock.


	3. Chapter 2 Decision

Chapter 2

"Here, Carlisle." Alice said, handing him a towel.

"Too much glass in the wound." he said, shaking his head and ripping a thin piece from the tablecloth.

I saw Bella's face begin to turn green. I couldn't speak.

"Bella," Carlisle began, "Do you want me to drive you to the hospital or would you like me to take care of it here?"

"Here, please." She said in a weak voice.

"I'll get your bag." Alice said, jumping up and moving at an inhuman pace to Carlisle's office.

Carlisle turned to me. "Let's take her to the kitchen table."

I picked her up. It almost relaxed me enough to unclench my jaw having her in my protective arms. Almost.

I set her on the table and Carlisle bent over her.

"How are you feeling, Bella?"

"I'm fine." she said. Her voice was stronger, but her face was still absent of color.

Alice appeared then. She set Carlisle's bag on the table. _"I hope Jasper isn't too far. Is he ok? No I see him now. He's in pain." _Her thoughts were agony.

I knew her love for him would never diminish not matter what, but it angered me that she could possibly be worried about him when my reason for living was severely bleeding on the table in front of us.

"Just go, Edward." Bella sighed as Carlisle began to work on her.

"I can handle it." the breath I had taken to speak had allowed her scent to intoxicate me. I clenched my jaw again, balled my fists. I wouldn't leave her until she was perfect again.

"You don't need to be a hero," She insisted. "Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air."

No.

I saw her wince as Carlisle pulled a piece of glass from her wound.

"I'll stay."

"Why are you so masochistic?" She grumbled.

"Edward," Carlisle interjected, "You may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."

What could I possible have to say to Jasper right now. Three minutes ago I was crouched between his path of hunger and Bella, ready to kill him.

"Yes," Bella said, as though apprehensive for me to leave, "Go find Jasper."

"You may as well do something useful." Alice said.

My eyes narrowed, why could they think I would leave Bella? I looked carefully at the scene in front of me, and tried to examine it without my protective rage. Bella was in Carlisle's capable hands, and Alice had no thoughts of thirst since Bella had sliced her finger. I supposed they were right about Jasper and he was my brother. We had all had a slip, and he wasn't trying to kill Bella. He's instincts over ran him and he was trying to kill the nearest human. Certainly that far away from her scent he would now have the weight of what he had done fall on him. I needed to go to him.

I nodded once at Carlisle and ran out the back door.

Once outside I saw Emmett and Rosalie standing next to the stream that ran past our house. Emmett's arm was around her, holding her closely and comforting her as they stared worriedly off into the trees.

I ran up to them. "Where's Jasper?" I demanded.

Rosalie turned to me, her eyes were angry.

_"It had to be a human. You couldn't have just fallen for on of the Denali, it had to be a human. You knew Jasper's struggle, you knew all our struggle. I was only a matter of time before someone slipped."_

"Enough, Rosalie." I spat at her.

Emmett squeezed her arm and turned his eyes to mine. "He ran north."

Alice appeared at my side. "Which way?" She asked.

"Follow me." I said.

We both jumped across the stream and ran as fast as we could after Jasper. Alice kept falling behind but every time I slowed for her to catch up she got angry and yelled for me to keep going. She was right, it was going to be difficult to catch Jasper, he had a pretty substantial head start.

I caught his scent soon enough. We moved through the trees, following his path. It was getting stronger, we were getting closer. And then I could see him.

He had stopped running and stood in a small clearing. I slowed and walked behind him coming up on his left shoulder. I was cautious as he might have still been angry, out of control. But when I turned to face him, there was no thirst on his face, just shock.

I tried to look into his black eyes but he avoided them, turning his head quickly away, ashamed.

"Jasper?" I began hesitantly.

"I'm...I'm so sorry Edward." He stuttered, his voice cracked and low.

"Jasper, I know you weren't attacking Bella. Your instincts were attacking the human." As angry as I was it was hard to be reasonable, but seeing his face made me feel his agony.

"No that's no excuse!" He nearly yelled angrily. "What if it had been Alice in Bella's shoes? How did you not kill me?"

I couldn't answer. I had been thinking about killing him only minutes ago.

"You have better control than I do." He said when I didn't respond.

Alice appeared then and locked her arms around him.

"Jasper, are you okay? It's not as bad as you think. Bella's going to be fine, she just..."

I turned away. I wasn't going to be able to comfort Jasper in the short amount of time that it would take Carlisle to stitch Bella's arm, and the second she was finished I wanted her home and away from my family.

Away from my family.

Was that how this was going to play out? Would I need to take Bella far away from Forks so that Jasper wouldn't be tempted by her blood again? She was in danger anytime she was around anyone in my family. And I had brought her to them. I had introduced her to this world of monsters. It had been me who had brought her so close to James and Victoria last spring. It had been me who had barely been able to control my thirst in the beginning. It had been me who had brought her to this damned party tonight, into a room with seven vampires.

Bella wasn't in danger because of my family. Bella was in danger because of me. And as long as I was around her, she would never be free from that danger. Alice was right, there were only two options. Taking her human life and changing her, or death.

I was running back towards the house, not bothering to dodge in and out of trees. The picture of Bella, cold and hard came to my mind and I let out an angry growl. I could not allow her to be trapped in this existence. So was that it? She was going to remain human so would I just sit and wait for her to be killed by Victoria or Jasper or... me? No. There was a third option. The choice between changing and death were the only choices I'd thought of because I was selfish. There was an obvious third choice, a choice that would destroy me. I would make my family leave Forks and I would go with them. I would leave Bella.

I came to the stream then. Only then did I hear Alice's soft footsteps behind me.

"Are _you_ ok?" She said when she reached me.

"No." I said flatly.

"You're not the only one who loves her Edward. Carlisle, Esme, me.. We all love her too." She said, obviously seeing my plan now that it was decided.

"Then you should see why we need to leave her, let her live her life without the constant danger of being acquainted with vampires."

Alice didn't say anything. We jumped across the water again, walking towards Emmett and Rosalie, who were now perched on the large boulder next to the stream.

"Is Jasper okay?" Emmett asked.

"I don't think so." Alice said, her face falling.

"What's the matter, this is more than just Jasper..." Emmett began, looking suspicious.

"We're leaving. Everyone should be packed and gone by the morning, I'll follow after I have said my goodbyes." I said.

Rosalie's eyes brightened. "You mean, we're leaving. As in our family? As in just our family?"

My rage suddenly became targeted towards Rosalie. My world was falling apart and her eyes gleamed. But my face became stone. It would stay frozen in the impassive expression until I was gone. Then it would show nothing but torment, agony and misery until the day I burned.

I walked to the back door. We entered the kitchen just as Carlisle finished with Bella's arm.

"I suppose I should take you home now." he said.

"I'll do that." I said. Bella turned and looked at me, her face apprehensious. She examined her newly stitched arm and the blood and frosting that covered her light blue shirt. I was about to hold my breath but the scent of her fresh blood did not burn my throat. I felt no instinctual urges at all. My body had become just as impassive as my mind had.

"Carlisle can take me." Bella said.

"I'm fine." My voice was not harsh, but was not pleasant. It was empty. They were just words. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something."

I felt nothing. I was leaving and soon, but I was already dead inside.

I left the kitchen, leaving what reasons for life I had sitting, bloodstained, on the kitchen table. Once outside of the door I sampled the misery. It was excruciating. I bent over, my hand supporting me against the house as if I had the wind knocked out of me. I shook with the pain. It wasn't like a wound. Not like being ripped apart. Not like being burned. It was worse, it consumed my entire body. And it would not end.

I stood up and resumed my stony expression. I walked to Alice and nodded towards the house.

"Find something for Bella. Hide the blood." I said incoherently. It was hard to speak.

She flitted past me and I drug myself along side her. When we entered the kitchen again, Bella was standing, waiting. Alice took her hand and led her up the stairs. I waited for her by the door.

I wanted to follow her. To change my mind. To stay behind, never letting her out of my arms. But I couldn't. From now until I left the next day I would keep my distance as much as possible. I would not kiss her warm soft lips again. I would not hold her, wrap her in my stony arms, feel her warm body molding to mine. Every touch would break my will to leave, and leaving was necessary.

She came downstairs with Alice, wearing a similar light blue shirt that Charlie would not be able to distinguish from the one she had been previously wearing.

I opened the door for her, and she began to walk but Alice stopped her.

"Don't forget your things." She said, grabbing the remaining packages and Bella's camera. She pushed them into Bella's arms and continued. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."

I walked next to her as we made our way to her truck. Everything I did was mechanical. Walking, opening her door, and entering the drivers side.

We sat in the car in silence as I drove down the long drive towards the highway. Bella's new stereo was in place but neither of us reached for it. I didn't look at her, I didn't look at anything. I was numb.

She turned toward me as we pulled onto the freeway, desperation in her voice.

"Say something." She begged.

"What would you like me to say?" I asked emotionless. I could hear my voice as if I was listening to someone else speak. Like I wasn't in my own body.

Bella cringed away from my tone and looked down abashed. "Tell me you forgive me." She said.

Anger erupted in me. How could she think of blaming herself for this?

"Forgive you? Forgive you for what?" I spat.

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened." She said sheepishly.

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut- that hardly warrants the death penalty."

"It's still my fault." She whispered.

The anger inside of me exploded. I had never yelled while Bella was with me. I'd always been calm, under control. How could she even have the audacity to blame herself for this. When I was the one who had put her in danger. The anger radiated off the words of my tirade.

"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could have possibly happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plate on your own- without someone throwing you into them- even then, What's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."

Though I was never out of breath, I was breathing hard now. The anger was overpowering, but I did think to look for a boulder to crush or a giant tree to hurl into the distance for the release I wanted. I embraced the anger. It was better than feeling the emptiness.

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation." Bella yelled at me.

Good, she was getting angry too. I liked fighting with her. Maybe it would soften the hurt when I left her forever in only a few short hours.

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with." I growled.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton, I'd rather die than be with anyone but you." She said.

No. She could not feel this way. She should want others. I needed her to want others. I would leave and she would move on. Live a normal happy human life and when she died an old woman, perhaps with several grandchildren, I would follow her.

"Don't be melodramatic, please." I said.

"Well then don't you be ridiculous."

I couldn't say any thing. I just let the anger stew in me. It wasn't good for me to be this angry with Bella so close. I needed to control myself until she was safe with Charlie, then I would let it consume me.

I stopped in front of her house, turned off the car and stared through the windshield. I didn't look at her or speak. I just gripped the steering wheel as tightly as I could without breaking it.

"Will you stay tonight?" She asked hopefully.

I hated that hope in her voice.

"I should go home." I said, trying once again to keep all emotion out of my voice.

"For my birthday." She begged.

"You can't have it both ways- either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other."

She sighed, obviously relieved that the anger had dissipated in my voice. I began to feel guilty for being harsh with her to alleviate my own sorrow. That guilt made the anger die and the agony returned.

"Okay, I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs." She said.

I frowned when she stepped out of the car and reached for her packages.

"You don't have to take those." I said.

"I want them."

"No you don't Carlisle and Esme spent money on you."

"I'll live." She said, taking the packages from the truck.

I moved too fast for her human eyes to follow towards her side.

"Let me carry them, at least." I said taking her presents into my arms. "I'll be in your room."

She smiled an irresistible smile and I lost my focus.

"Happy Birthday." I sighed and touched my lips to hers.

I immediately regretted it, the emptiness in me threatened to rip me apart. I couldn't allow myself to be close to her anymore. But how was I going to be distant staying in her room the entire night? Would I leave when she fell asleep? What if she woke up? It would hurt her to know that I had left her in the night, and I didn't want to hurt her to lessen my own hurt. But I couldn't worry about my absence hurting her, I was about to make our separation substantially more permanent. The thought of leaving her made it impossible to break this kiss.

She reached her arms around me to keep me in place and this gave me the motivation I needed to stop the kiss. I decided to let myself feel my love for her just one last time and I smiled down at her, then I ran to the side of her house and climbed to her window.

I sat in the center of her bed and listened for her father's reaction to her bandaged arm.

"What happened to your arm?" He asked after she told him about the party, leaving out the part where she was almost killed by my vampire brother.

"I tripped. It's nothing." She said.

"Bella. _I swear this girl is going to need a life insurance policy for christmas."_

I grimaced at his thoughts, he didn't realize how accurate he was. I heard Bella come up the stairs and stumble into the bathroom. She changed, washed her face and brushed her teeth and came into the room.

"Hi." I said, unable to mask the misery in my voice.

She walked up to me, pushed the present I was toying with out of my hand and crawled into my lap.

"Hi." She said in an altogether too happy tone as she snuggled into my marble skin. "Can I open my presents now?"

I was slightly confused. Bella hated the idea of my family giving her things and now she was asking for it. I thought again of the things I would have liked to give her and it reminded me that now I never would get to give her anything.

"Where did this enthusiasm come from?" I asked, doing my best to push the misery away from me.

"You made me curious." She said brightly.

She picked up the first package, the rectangle box form Carlisle and Esme. I saw her begin to reach for the tape and the images from the party began to play in my head like a movie. The paper cut, the blood, Jasper.

"Allow me." I said taking the box and tearing the silver paper from it.

"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" She joked. But I considered doing it for her anyway. She looked back at the package and pulled the thick paper from the box. She read it, confused at first and the suddenly very excited.

"We're going to Jacksonvile?" She shrieked when she realized that the paper was a voucher for plane tickets,

"That's the idea." I said, although I knew that idea wasn't ever going to become a reality.

"I can't believe it. Renee is going to flip! You don't mind though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day."

"I think I can handle it." Because I wouldn't be going. Her reaction to the present made me frown. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."

"Well of course it's too much," She admitted. "But I get to take you with me!"

I ignored that. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable.

This created a flicker of curiosity in her eyes and she set the present down and reached for the small package from Alice and I.

I took it from her and once again tore off the paper.

"What is it?" She asked when I handed her the jewel CD case.

I took the CD from her and put it in the CD player that sat on her bedside table. When I hit play she tensed, waiting for whatever was on the CD to start and when her lullaby started tears welled in her eyes.

"Does your arm hurt?" I asked.

"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." She listened to the music again.

"I didn't think you would let me get you a piano so I could play it for you here."

"You're right." She said.

"How does your arm feel?" I asked.

"I'm fine." She replied, though the pain was apparent in her voice.

"I'll get you some Tylenol." I said, getting off the bed.

"I don't need anything." She said as I moved away from her. "Charlie!"

I wanted to roll my eyes. "He wont catch me." I promised.

I ran to the bathroom and pulled the bottle of Tylenol out of the medicine cupboard and filled a glass with water. I was back in the room before the door had closed.

She took the pills and water from me and I moved back onto the bed.

"It's late." I whispered. I picked her whole body up and moved her to the pillows. I pulled the covers around her and lay next to her, careful not to touch her skin and put my arm around her.

She snuggled into me and sighed. "Thanks again."

"You're welcome."

My arm around her reminded me of my vow to stop physical contact with her. How could I allow myself to be this close to her again. It was only going to make it harder to leave her, something that was going to be impossible as it was. Then the thought of not leaving her entered my mind and filled my head with visions of being with Bella school the next day, at prom, at graduation. I had to stop, I had to leave her.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked. The song had changed from her lullaby to Esme's favorite.

I searched for an excuse. "I was thinking about right and wrong actually." It wasn't a lie.

She shivered.

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?" She asked.

"Yes." I said, noticing her change of subject and grateful for it.

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again.

I wished she hadn't said that.

"You're greedy tonight." I said.

"Yes, I am- but please, don't do anything you don't want to."

I laughed. Oh how I wanted to. I wanted nothing more than to feel those silken lips on mine. To hold her in my arms forever. To feel the heat of her skin. I sighed.

"Heaven forbid I should do anything I don't want to." Like leave and never see the one thing that gives life meaning ever again. I pulled her face to mine and kissed her.

As I pushed my lips deep into hers, the emptiness radiated through me and I saw nothing but visions of my life without her, unable to move under the weight of the misery. I pushed myself into the kiss further hoping to erase the thoughts but they just became more clear. I poured all I had into the kiss. Knowing I was going to be almost incapacitated with agony after leaving her, I wanted to make sure she wouldn't be. I was leaving but I would still love her, always. I used this kiss to tell her that. She wrapped her fingers through my hair and smashed her body into mine, her heart rate pounding.

I broke away, completely miserable.

She collapsed onto her pillow.

"Sorry." I said. "That was out of line."

"I don't mind." She panted.

I frowned. "Try to sleep, Bella."  
"No." She said like a child. "I want you to kiss me again."

"You're overestimating my self-control." I pleaded.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood, or my body?"

"It's a tie." I grinned but I hated thinking of her like that. I could never allow myself to lose control that way, and I'd already undermined my focus numerous times that night. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"

"Fine." She agreed and snuggled next to me.

Her eyes closed as she began to drift to sleep. She was already restless. Would she have nightmares about her party?

Once I was sure she was asleep, I held her close and allowed the misery to take me.


	4. Chapter 3 The End

Chapter 3

Normally, when Bella slept, I just watched her. Her slow intake of breath, her mouth forming the words of her dreams. She was so beautiful. I loved the feel of her next to me, the warmth, the softness. I loved the way she would toss in her sheets and then settle comfortably on my stone chest. I loved to hear her whisper my name.

Normally.

Tonight was a different story. Though all I wanted was to do all of these things. To hold this precious human, I couldn't. I needed to remain distant from her, physically that was impossible, but emotionally...

I stared blankly into the nothingness around me. The misery that had consumed me had erased all physical things in the room. I was not sitting on a bed. That was not a rocking chair creaking as the wind from the window slowly rocked it back in forth. There was nothing, and yet there was everything. In the hazy mist of my agony there was something so hot that almost burned my skin. It radiated a light so bright it almost pushed away the haze and illuminated the room again. But there was something holding the light in, refusing to let it permeate and push away the fog that held in my misery.

The knowledge that in only 4 short more hours, I would say goodbye to Bella forever, and I would never feel that heat, or see that brilliant light again. She would be gone, she would be brightening someone else's world.

I saw flashes of Bella, sitting on this bed laughing with Mike Newton. He held her hand and tucked her hair behind her ear. Bella closed her eyes and smiled, elated by his touch and the love that I wished I could feel for Bella radiated from his eyes.

This vision both hurt and infuriated me. I wanted to jump from the place I lay, run to the Newton's home and destroy the worthless boy who would surely take my place. I didn't want to think of Bella in the arms of someone else. Cuddling with_ him_ while watching Romeo and Juliet, laying on _his_ chest throughout the night, opening her birthday presents next year with _him_. But that was the catch. Next year she would have another birthday and if she cut herself again, she would be in no danger. And that's was exactly what I really wanted, Bella to be safe. And she never would be as long as I was with her.

The decision was made. It was final. When the sun rose and her eyes opened I would tell her goodbye, meet my family and disappear. She would be heartbroken but how long would that last? She'd need to stay home from school to cry it out and then she'd pick up and move on. If I came back next month would she already be with Mike or Eric or any other hollow place holder who could never love her the way I did?

Thinking about Bella with someone else brought the anger boiling up again, so I decided to think about what I was going to say to her in the morning. Would I just tell her goodbye and not come back? No, that was cruel and it would never work. She'd come looking for me and with her luck she'd fall and break her spine or be crushed by something or eaten by a bear or any other ridiculous thing that could only happen to Bella.

I needed something that would keep her from coming to look for me. I would never be able to convince her that she didn't want me, she was too stubborn for that. I needed something that was out of her control. Could I convince her that I was the one who didn't want her?

I seriously doubted that. I'd spent the last five months pouring my heart out to her. Telling her every second that I loved her. That I couldn't live without her. That there was no reason to exist if she didn't. It would take me hours, days even, of persuasion for her to even question my love for her.

I liked that. Surely it wouldn't hurt if I stayed behind in Forks for just one more day. Just long enough for me to convince her that I didn't love her. It would make it easier for her when I left, easier for her to get over me and move on with her life. And surely she wouldn't be in too much danger if my family left and it was only me that stayed behind. But how would I say it?

"Bella I don't love you."

It didn't sound like a lie, it sounded incoherent. Like something that had been crudely translated from another language and didn't quite make sense. The words just didn't fit in that order. I reworked them but it still didn't make sense. There was just no way for me to actually say I didn't physically need Bella in order to live.

She tossed again in her sleep and it awoke me from my thoughts. I stared down at her and as soon as my distraction flitted away the misery tightened around me again. I couldn't shake it this time. It blocked all of my thoughts. It filled me, suffocating me. I yearned for some release. If I was a human I could cry, let the misery poor out of me in glorious wet salty tears, but I couldn't. I wanted to scream, to cry out in agony but I would wake Bella, and she must not know how deeply I was hurt. She must believe I didn't love her.

It was hours before I could fight through the pain enough to smooth my expression. Once I was sure it was completely erased from my features, I set my face like stone. There was a dull gray light beginning to peak through the window. When the sun rose, it would cast it's light through the window and wake Bella. Then I would leave as quickly as possible to find away to release my pain. I sat with my stone expression willing the sun to rise faster.

When it finally lit the dim room enough to wake Bella I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead and bolted from the window. I couldn't bring myself to speak to her. If I moved my stony face at all, I would lose the battle against my agony and she would know. Once outside of the window I ran as fast as I could into the trees. I ran faster and faster, trying to out run the misery, but it was no use. Finally I came to a cliff face and leaned against the granite mountain. I growled deeply and then I shoved my fist through the hard rock. Again and again. I was beginning to tunnel into the mountain. When I had pounded my way seven feet into the surface of the rock, it became unable to support the weight on top of it and caused a rock slide. I walked to the several soccer ball sized rocks and one giant bolder that had fallen and quickly pummeled them into sand.

When I had finished I took off again, in the direction of my house. I refused to allow any thoughts to come into my head because I knew if I did, they would be of her and the misery would return.

When I arrived at my house, Alice, Rosalie and Emmett were sitting on the front porch waiting for me. Rosalie looked up as I came into view and when she saw it was me she jumped up brightly.

"Alright, all set, lets hit the road." she said, positively beaming.

I growled.

"Touchy." She said and skipped to her BMW M3.

Emmett stood up slowly, placed his hand on my right shoulder, perhaps gripping it a little to hard, and nodded. He got in his jeep behind Rosalie who had turned the radio and and was gleefully looking at her reflection in the rear-view mirror.

Alice wouldn't look at me. I moved towards her but she didn't move.

"Alice, I..." I started.

She glared at me with loathing in her eyes. "You're staying an extra day, yeah, I know."

"Alice, it has to be this..."

She cut me off again, her voice was full of venom. "Don't bother Edward, I get it, okay?"

She glared at me disgustedly turned around and walked into the house. I followed her but when I got into the house she had disappeared up the stairs. I walked into my room and found that Esme had already packed it for me, Alice must have told her I would be staying behind for a day because one change of clothes was laid out on the black couch. I changed quickly and went downstairs, hoping to see Alice there. I was already being crushed by my own misery, I didn't need her to hate me too.

She wasn't there. I looked around at the familiar sight of all our furnishing covered in white sheets. We wouldn't take our furniture, there was no point. We had no house in mind yet and perhaps one day, when those who remembered us were dead and buried, we would return and start again. At least my family would. When Bella died, so would I.

I walked into the kitchen and found Carlisle staring out the back window. He didn't move when I entered though I know he knew I was there. I opened my mouth to say something but he lifted his hand to stop me. He just stared out the window.

I walked to stand next to him, to see what he was seeing. It was Esme. She sat by the stream that ran by our house holding a pink rose from Bella's party the night before. Her head was bowed and her eyes were closed. When she opened them again, she lifted her head and looked sadly around at the trees that used to protect our home. Esme loved it here, and she loved Bella. It wasn't in her nature to leave behind the things she loved and this was breaking her heart. She lifted the pink rose and softly touched one of it's pedals, then she laid it in the water and watched it float away. Her chest convulsed the way it did when she was trying to cry, but couldn't. She stood up, and sadly walked around to the front of the house where Emmett and Rosalie were waiting.

Carlisle rested his hand against the window. It was hard for him to see Esme grieve. If he could he would have shouldered all of the pain this was causing her, but he couldn't. Before he turned to meet her in the yard he looked at me, and disappointment filled his eyes.

This hit me like a blow. I knew he was not disappointed because I couldn't control myself enough to be around Bella, or that I was making the whole family move. He was disappointed in me because he didn't agree with my decision. He thought I was wrong and my wrong choice was hurting those he loved.

I walked outside. Bella would be arriving at school shortly and it would worry her even more if I wasn't there to greet her like I always was. Carlisle was holding Esme, rubbing her arm and whispering something into her ear. Emmett sat in his Jeep, his face stone and Rosalie was in front of him, her engine already purring as she fluffed her hair in the mirror.

Alice stormed past me, out towards Carlisle's Mercedes. Her movements, which usually seemed like dancing, were now fierce and hard, like a storm. She kicked a pebble that was on the edge of the stairs and sent if hurling through the air far enough away that I couldn't hear it land. When she reached Carlisle's car she opened the back door, shot one look of pure hatred back at me, got in and slammed the door shut behind her so that the glass rattled.

I walked towards Carlisle and Esme and she wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug.

"Are you sure you're doing what's best?" She whispered.

"It's the only way." I replied, defeated.

She hugged me a little tighter and the pulled away, looking me in the eyes.

"I won't say hurry, I know I need your time. But when you do leave, please come to us. Don't go off on your own and wallow in misery. You'll need your family, and we'll need you too. We love her too." She smiled and kissed me on the forehead and stepped into the front seat. Carlisle walked to the drivers side, opened the door softly and looked at me.

"Straight do Denali, please don't make Esme worry about you on top of everything."

"I will." I promised.

Rosalie pulled away as soon as Carlisle's door closed, Emmett close behind her. Carlisle began to follow but stopped abruptly only a few feet from where he had been parked. The back window rolled down. Alice's face echoed the pain that I felt, though I knew it was no where near as strong as the agony that filled me.

"Please," She begged. "Please tell Bella I love her. And that I'm sorry."

"I can't. She can't know how this is hurting us, or she'll come after us." I said.

Her eyes fell, defeated and she rolled the window up as the black Mercedes pulled down the drive. They were gone.

I went to my Volvo and peeled down the driveway. I threw my anger into the speed of my car as I drove towards Forks High School This isn't what I wanted. I didn't want Esme to be hurting or Alice or Emmett. I didn't want Carlisle's disappointment or Jasper's shame. I wanted it to be the way it was two days ago, before I had ruined everyone's lives. But it couldn't be like that, it would never be like that. I couldn't make Bella happy here and I couldn't make my family happy anywhere else. I started to envy how easy it was for humans to die again.

I parked in my usual spot and waited for Bella. It took longer for her to get here than usual, which I realized was because it didn't take me as long as it usually did. When she did arrive, her face was full of concern, almost fear. I didn't know if I was going to be able to do this. I could hardly handle Esme and Alice's grieving. Bella's worried face almost defeated me.

I resumed my stony expression and reminded myself to be impassive when I opened her door.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"Perfect." She said, always the terrible liar.

I walked next to her, but we were like strangers. We didn't talk, we didn't touch, we just walked. When we got to class, I sat next to her, but I didn't reach for her hand or turn to look at her. I focused my eyes on the teacher, though I did not hear a single word he said. It took all of my energy to remain emotionless.

As the morning passed, the apprehension on Bella's face grew. When we walked into the lunch room, I put food on the tray without even looking at what it was. It didn't matter though, when we sat down Bella didn't touch it and I was too focused to protest. Her eyes scanned the room. When she saw Conner and Ben walk into the cafeteria her face fell and she turned to me.

"Where's Alice?" She said.

I crushed the granola bar on the tray into powder. "She's with Jasper." I lied.

"Is he okay?"

"He's gone away for awhile." A very long while.

"What? Where?" She asked, alarmed.

I couldn't tell her the truth. If she knew where we were, she would come looking for us. I settled for, "No where in particular."

"And Alice, too." She said, her voice disappointed.

"Yes, she'll be gone for awhile. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali." I figured I could allow this much. I didn't expressly say that's where my whole family was.

She swallowed and a look of pain crossed her face.

"Is your arm bothering you?" I asked.

"Who cares about my stupid arm?" She asked disgustedly.

I didn't say anything and she put her head in her arms on the table. We didn't speak for the rest of the day. I just walked mechanically to each of my classes trying my best to keep the pain off of my face.

I walked with her to her truck after the final bell. She turned to me.

"You'll come over later tonight?" She asked, actually giving me a choice.

"Later?" I asked, surprised she wouldn't want me there without Charlie so she could bombard me with questions.

"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off." she said.

"Oh." I said, emotionless.

"So you'll come over when I'm home though, right?" She asked nervously.

Of course I would. I was going to break her heart tonight.

"If you want me to." I said. I had to remain impassive. She must believe I had stopped loving her.

"I always want you." She said forcefully.

"All right, then." I said, the same stony tone in my voice. I shut her door and went to my Volvo, speeding out of the parking lot before I could run back to her and ruin my plan.

I drove up the drive to my house automatically. When I got out, I saw myself reflected in the dark windows. I walked up the steps and opened the door. It felt so empty. My footsteps seemed to echo as I walked down the hall. I could turn on the TV or maybe play my piano, but I had a feeling the lonely noise that only I would be making would be worse than the deafening silence.

I walked out of the house and stood on the porch, trying to think of a distraction before my mind could wander to Bella and crush me with the emptiness. I decided to run again. No where in particular, just to be doing something. I weaved in and out of trees, jumped over rocks and streams, all the while keeping my mind blank.

I caught the scent of a deer and thought briefly of hunting, but there was no fire in my throat although I'm sure my eyes were burning black. I felt no desire for anything, not blood, not air... The only thing I wanted in this entire world was Bella.

As I thought her name I felt a hard blow that signaled the start of the pain. I continued to run, this time with a destination in mind. A place where I could be alone with my misery.

When I reached the meadow, I fell into the soft, wet grass, curling into a ball and shrieking with agony. I writhed on the ground trying to fight the weight of the heartbreak that would be complete that evening. When I accepted that I could not get away from the agony, I lay still and took the punishment.

This was what I deserved for every moment I had spent with Bella. Every second I had endangered her life. Every inch I had pulled her into my world. I was in pain because I deserved it, and I didn't care. I wouldn't have traded one minute I had spent with her to alleviate this pain even one degree.

As I began to accept the pain, welcome it even, it began to fade. But it didn't leave me feeling relieved or joyed, I felt numb. There was nothing now. No happiness or sadness. No pleasure or pain. I was completely void of everything.

I stood up and ran back to my house, my face echoing the numbness I felt. This was a different kind of emptiness. It didn't threaten to crush me, but it was worse. Suddenly, I found myself wishing again for the pain.

When I arrived, I got into my Volvo and drove towards Bella's house. I was not speeding, I was idling at a perfectly acceptable 50 mph down the highway towards Forks. This did not bore me as it normally should, I was impartial. I turned the corner onto Bella's street and parked my car in front of Charlie's house.

Charlie answered the door and was not surprised to see me standing there.

"Chief Swan." I greeted him politely, I smiled, but I wasn't sure if it was believable. I wasn't sure of any emotion anymore, like I'd forgotten how to feel them.

He stepped aside to allow me to walk past him into the living room. I sat in the arm chair, vaguely hearing his offer for dinner. I shook my head and focused my eyes on the TV. I saw the shapes moving but did not register what they were saying or holding. I heard the music from the TV but could not place it with the appropriate sport. I just stared, trying to make any noise or movement when Charlie did, but it was hard to concentrate. I hoped he didn't notice.

I don't know how long we sat together before I heard her truck pull into the driveway. Time it seemed had lost all relativity. I heard her walk up the steps and open the door.

"Dad? Edward?" she called.

Charlie said something, but it was just as muddled as the noise from the TV. As soon as I caught her scent as sudden warmth began to permeate the numbness. I felt the glorious relief of it wash over me, and then I cursed it. Would it ever be easier to leave her? I found myself making excuses to stay. Just one more day and then I'd be gone, but I needed just one more day.

I tried to justify this to myself. I needed to stay one more day to... keep appearances around school. No, Carlisle had already quit his job, I was supposed to have already left. I needed to... make sure people stayed away from our house, to keep it from being broken into... No, that was outrageously far reaching. I panicked as I realized there was no logical reason for me to stay, that it had to be tonight.

Charlie was talking again but I couldn't distinguish his words.

"Okay." Bella replied to whatever Charlie had said. I turned to look at her, seeing her so clearly, perfectly in the fog of my depression.

"I'll be right behind you." I said, smiling politely.

I saw something flicker in her eyes then. What was it? She stepped into the kitchen, fumbling around and then went up the stairs. I sat, analyzing what I had just seen on her face, but I couldn't place it with anything.

I went back to searching for reasons to remain in Forks. Bella would need to see my indifference just a little while longer. If I told her tonight that I didn't love her, she would never believe me. And when I finally was able to convince her after hours and hours of lying, it would hurt her more because I hadn't separated myself from her enough.

This is how I justified it.

I sat with Charlie, once again no longer able to register time passing, staring at the blurred figures on the screen. Bella came down finally, with her camera in her hand. I didn't turn to look at her as I heard her approach the room. If I was staying behind to distance myself from her, then that's what I was going to do.

"Completely indifferent." I told myself.

She leaned around the corner and snapped a picture of us.

"What are you doing, Bella?" I finally heard from Charlie.

"Oh come on." Bella said, "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt."

"Why are you taking pictures of me though?" He complained.

"Because you're so handsome. And because since you bought the camera, You're obligated to be one of my subjects." She smiled.

Oh how I loved that smile.

"I knew Renee should have bought the camera." Charlie mumbled, incoherently.

"Hey, Edward." She said turning to me. "Take one of me and my dad together."  
I caught the camera she threw in my direction, showing no emotion on my face. She knelt by the couch next to Charlie and looked in my direction.

"You need to smile, Bella." I said.

She did, sort of.

"Let me take one of you kids." Charlie said, gesturing for the camera.

I stood up and tossed the camera to him as Bella came to my side. I breathed in her glorious scent, no fire, no burn.

I was careful with my posture as we positioned ourselves for the picture. I placed my hand on her right shoulder and stood still. She wrapped her arm tightly around my waist and pushed herself up against me. The warmth soaked through me.

"Smile, Bella." Charlie said. He flashed the picture and shoved the camera deep into the couch.

"Enough pictures for tonight." He said, "You don't have to use the whole roll now."

She lingered next to me for a minute, her heart beating irregularly and then moved to sit against the sofa. I sat back in my chair and focused my eyes on the television once again, doing everything I could not to look at her.

Her heartbeat was very fast and, in my peripheral vision, I saw her shaking. She was starting to notice something was wrong. I felt a wave of hatred of myself as I saw her tremble with worry. Worry that I caused. Worry that I would soon turn into heart break. I was a monster.

The TV show ended and I stood up. She followed me to the door, and then out to my car when I didn't stop.

"Will you stay tonight?" she asked, defeated.

"Not tonight." I said, feeling terrible that my plan was actually working.

I drove home at the unusually slow pace I had when I had driven to Bella's house. Now that she was gone the empty numbness had taken over again.

When I pulled in front of the dark house, I got out of the car and walked at human pace up the steps and into the living room. I didn't turn on any lights, I didn't turn on the TV or do anything to make sound. I curled up on the rug in front of the sofa and thought of Bella.

Thinking of her had a similar effect as being around her. The haze around me softened and I felt warmth, though not the same warmth that radiated from her perfect skin.

I looked to my cell phone, and set an alarm for when I would need to awake from my stupor and drive to school, then I curled up let the misery wash through me.

When my phone buzzed, I stood up, walked to my room, quickly changed and then headed off for school. I had decided that I wasn't going to leave today either. Today, after school, I would start a trial separation. The second I got home, I was going to run, and I wasn't going to stop until the next morning. I wouldn't think, I would just run. This is how it was going to be when I left. Meaningless distraction, after meaningless distraction until the day I went to Italy and asked for death.

I got to school and waited for her once again, showing no signs of happiness when she pulled next to me. I didn't hold her hand on the way to class. I didn't look at her through the lecture.

In English, she just stared at me and I looked at Mr. Berty, though I didn't listen to whatever it was he said. He called Bella's name and that got my attention.

"Uh, could you repeat the question?" Bella asked, caught off guard when she heard her name.

"In Act 1, Scene 3, What does Lady Capulet ask Juliet to do?'

Her eyes were almost glazed over. "I'm sorry." She said, embarrassed, "One more time."

He repeated the question.

"To consider Paris as a husband." I whispered to her quickly.

She repeated what I told her and Mr. Berty continued his lecture. She looked at her hands for the rest of the period and I went back to staring at the board.

I didn't speak to her once throughout the rest of the day and when lunch came, I acted as though she wasn't there. I picked food without looking at it and walked next to her to our regular table. She tripped walking around the table and I reached out to steady her. She looked at me hopefully but I kept my face impassive. Her face fell.

She didn't eat and I didn't protest, I was supposed to not care. I hadn't told her I loved her in three days and the words were burning to come out. I mangled a fork under the table.

"Hey Jess?" Bella asked, her voice surprised me and I looked up.

"What's up, Bella?" Jessica responded, not at all put off by the fact that this was the first time they had spoken in a week.

"Could you do me a favor? My mom wants me to get some pictures of my friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everybody, okay?"

She was trying to keep the attention off of herself. Bella's camera was passed around the table as her friends laughed carelessly and took pictures of each other. Bella and I sulked.

After school I walked her to her car, still not speaking. I didn't even say goodbye as she got into her truck and drove away.

I drove to my house, took off my jacket and took off to the east. I was running as fast as I could, zipping through trees. I ran through the woods around Port Angeles and followed the road east, careful to stay out of sight of the humans, though I doubted their vision would even be able to register me. I swam across the hood canal, drying as I ran past Port Gamble and Kingston, diving into the sound and swimming towards Edmonds.

I ran past Seattle and Redmond and Bellview and through Snoqualmie pass. Away from the cities, I stop to check the time. I had left Forks an hour and forty five minutes ago and I had run 280 miles. At this rate I was going to be halfway across the country come nightfall, I didn't want to be too far away. What if Alice called and something happened to Bella.

This almost made me turn around but I couldn't. I flipped open my cell phone and began to dial her number, but I closed it. Frustrated I growled and took off again.

I only noticed towns pass sparingly so I stayed by the highway to keep track of where I was, Ellensburg, Othello and Colfax quickly rushed by in the next hour and a half and soon I was greeted by cougar banners as I entered Pullman. I brushed past Washington State University and entered Idaho. Slowing to a human paced run I moved to the jogging path and ended up at the University of Idaho. I looked down for the time again.

Six PM. I had run across the entire state of Washington in 3 hours. I decided to walk around campus trying to waste time and think of something more logical to do, running wasn't going to do it. I was running the fastest I ever had and at this rate I'd make it to the Atlantic Ocean by sunrise, though I'd have turned around before then. I had to be back in the Forks High School parking lot before Bella arrived.

I walked up a slight hill towards a building that looked like an old church cathedral and sat on a cement block next to the library. Now that the speed had stopped, my thoughts were catching up to me and the haze set back in. I began to read the people's thoughts around me as a distraction.

"My accounting mid-term is going to kill me. I don't have enough hours to study."

To mundane.

"We're going to destroy BSU this year! I-D-A-H-O, Idaho, Idaho Go, Go GO!"

To meaningless.

"What do you want to do tonight, Janel?"

"I don't know. Get out of the dorm for sure. I need to stop thinking about Kyle."

"Want to go party over at D Sig tonight?"

"Sure. Tara, why is he such an asshole?"

"We're not thinking about him remember?"

I turned to see two girls, blonde and brunette walking out of the building on my right and down the hill. Midterms, rivalries, parties and meaningless relationships? The thoughts of college students were not going to hold my interest. I walked away from the two girls, down the hill and past the Greek houses. I watched a bulky, hairy human carrying alcohol into one of the houses and looked at the name.

Delta Sigma Phi. This must have been the house those girls had been talking about. I walked through Moscow, considering running down to Boise but it held no interest for me. I found myself pointed back towards Pullman before long.

I was running again. Faster and faster. The lights of Pullman were far behind me and I dove into the Columbia river. Darkness was falling as I approached Seattle again. I slowed looking at the time. I was going to be back in Forks in about an hour this way, Bella wouldn't even be in bed yet, and if I knew she was awake, what would stop me from running to her bedroom window and waiting for her?

I ran north towards Edmonds to purchase a ticket for the Ferry. At least this would add about half and hour to my journey.

The lady at the ticket office seemed confused that I only wanted a one way and had no car, but she smiled at me and I boarded the boat. I went out on the deck and felt the wet air on my face. I looked at the sun setting over the water and thought of Bella. How she would have loved this trip. To see Seattle and this sunset. I felt a jolt in my stomach and tried to turn my thoughts away. I hated that I couldn't even think of her. She was all I wanted.

When the fairy docked in Kingston I took off again navigating my way easily through the dark woods. I decided to doddle a bit in Port Angeles. I went into a store and bought something for Alice and Esme. When my watch reached ten PM I ran the rest of the way back to Forks and instead of turning up my drive I continued on until I turned the corner onto Bella's street. Her light was on.

I climbed the side of her house and looked through her window. She was sitting on her bed with pictures and a scrapbook in front of her. She had laid three pictures in front of her, and I was desperate to see what they were.

She picked up the first and stared at it warmly, a smile creeping to her lips. The second one she was not so happy with. She looked at it and frowned, hurt in her eyes. She set it down and picked up the third. She was not sad looking at this one as she had been with the last, nor was she happy as she was with the first. She look disgusted. She folded the picture in half and only then did I see what it was. It was the picture Charlie had taken of the two of us the night before. I didn't blame her, I would be disgusted at me too.

She put the picture in the album and slammed the cover closed. With desperation, she shot one glance at the window and I moved out of the way before she could see me. I knew that look. She was waiting for me. Guilt consumed me as she pulled her covers down and got into bed.

When she fell asleep I crept through her window and grabbed the album. I looked down at the pictures.

I saw the picture she had folded in half, me side up. This didn't make sense to me... She had looked at the picture with such revulsion. I stared at my sleeping Bella. Could she love me still, despite the terrible things I had done to her over the past few days. I didn't deserve her.

I spent the rest of the night watching her toss and turn, wanting desperately to slide into the bed and hold her in my arms, but I kept my distance.

When the sun came up I crept out the window and ran to my car. Today had to be the day. I would make no more excuses. I picked up my phone and dialed.

"Hello." Alice's voice came coldly from the other end.

"I"m calling to tell you that I will be arriving tonight."

"I know." she said, shortly.

I was relieved. So it would be today then, I wouldn't be able to talk myself out of it.

"I just wanted to make sure I didn't make anymore excuses." I explained.

"Yeah, I wish someone would have allowed me to make some excuses." She hung up the phone.

I was going to have to patch things up with Alice, it was unbearable to have her mad at me. I racked my brain for ideas, but nothing came to mind. I knew all to well that Bella was irreplaceable.

Bella's face seemed relieved when she pulled into the parking lot, but my stony expression quickly washed away all hope. Truth be told, I was hoping she wouldn't have had that reaction.

I was silent all throughout school and as I walked her to her car I saw her eyes racking her brain to think of something to say. I didn't want to hear it, I was leaving, today, it was final.

She turned to me and opened her mouth but I cut her off.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked.

"Of course not." She replied, relieved.

"Now?" I asked again.

"Sure. I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way, I'll meet you there."

I took the letter from her. "I'll do it." I began and I smiled. "And I'll still beat you there."

"Okay." She said unsmiling. That was good. I shut her door and headed for the post office. I drove to the outside drop off, slid the letter in the blue box and headed off towards Bella's house.

I beat her by 3 minutes and I smiled to myself when I heard her engine pulling around the corner. I immediately wiped the smile off my face, this was going to be hard enough.

I walked to her truck as she pulled up to the house and took her book bag from her, placing it in the back seat. She looked at me confused.

"Come for a walk with me." I said, taking her by the hand.

I lead her to the trees by her house, that I had once sat in and watched her read Jane Austin. I didn't want her to be too far into the woods, or she would get lost when I had left. I stopped with the house in view.

"Some walk." She said.

I let go of her hand and walked to a tree, leaning against it, I kept my face blank. How was I going to say this?

"Okay. Lets talk." She started.

I took a breath.

"Bella, we're leaving." I said. Don't give her a choice, that was a good way to start.

She breathed in too. "Why now? Another year-"

I cut her off. The offer of more time was more than I would be able to handle.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty and he's claiming thirty three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

She looked at me confused and I stared back at her, keeping my face cold and hard. The numbness started to set in again and her warmth was doing nothing to keep it away. I knew this was it. I was about to lose control.

Realization swept across her face. "When you say we-" She began.

"I mean my family and myself." A small pleading voice exploded inside of me.

_Though I'd give anything for it to be you and me Bella. I love you and I always will. _

She shook her head, not grasping what I had just said. It was a full minute before she spoke again, and when she did her voice was cracking.

"Okay, I'll come with you."

"_Please, please come with me. Never make me leave your side." _The voice inside me begged_. _

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going... it's not the right place for you."

_Because you'll always be in danger anywhere I am. _

"Where you are is the right place for me." She pleaded.

"I'm no good for you, Bella."

The voice inside had no response for that, it was the truth.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the best thing in my life." She begged.

"My world is not for you." I said, frowning.

"What happened with Jasper- That was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" She said, frantically.

"You're right," I began. " It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised!" She screamed. "In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"

I couldn't handle the pain in her voice. It hurt me worse than I had expected, and I had though that would have been impossible.

"As long as that was best for you." It was never best for her.

"No!" She yelled angrily. "This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!"

I couldn't handle this, I was a monster. I could feel the pain radiating off of her. I needed a new approach, this wasn't working.

I took a deep breath, this was going to be the hardest lie yet. The hardest lie I'd ever told. The hardest lie ever spoken on this earth. It was complete blasphemy, and I'd never forgive myself for saying the words I was about to speak.

"Bella," I started, though my silent heart was breaking. "I don't want you to come with me." If I could have been stabbed, could have felt a skull crushing blow, could have been torn apart slowly with a chainsaw, the pain would not be equal to what I was feeling now.

"You...don't...want me?" She said, finding what I had tried to say and sounding confused. This wasn't going to work. She knew that she was my only reason to exist, I tried to go on anyway. I had expected this to take hours, hadn't I?

"No." It was all I could say.

She stared into my eyes, trying to find the joke. I stared back cold and hard. It was all I could do to keep from falling to the wet ground, crippled with pain.

"Well," She said finally. "That changes things."

I couldn't believe it. Would she really let me get off the hook this easily? How could she possibly accept that as an answer? I immediately cursed myself for uttering those words because as I looked in her eyes I saw that she had believed them. Why had I chosen this way to do it? I couldn't stand to look at her. Of course I loved her! There was nothing on the earth that I cared about a fraction of the amount that I loved her! I was angry at her for believing my lie. I took that anger and used it to speak clearly. It was the only emotion I had but the crippling pain.

I looked away from her. "Of course I'll always love you... in a way." I refused to leave allowing her to believe that the months I had spent worshiping her would be a lie. But I couldn't allow that need for her to understand my lie to ruin my departure.

I continued. "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. because I'm... tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human." I looked back at her.

"I've let this go on much to long and I'm sorry for that." Really truly sorry.

I wanted to melt to her feet and beg her forgiveness. Confess my love. Tell her I would never leave her but I couldn't. If I was human, I'm sure I would be dying, my heart breaking.

"Don't" She whispered, begging, tears coming. "Don't do this."

I stared at her.

"_Of course not, Bella. I'll be with you forever. You and I, that's how it's going to be. I love you and nothing else in the world matters."_

"You're not good for me, Bella."

She tried to speak but couldn't. I waited, not breathing. Hoping desperately for a retaliation. For her to refuse to believe my lie and cling to the truth.

"If that's what you want." she said.

I couldn't say anything, I just nodded.

"I would like to ask one favor though, if that's not too much." I said.

"_Always know that I love you more than anything."_

"Anything."

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid." I said. It wasn't a request, it was a command. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She nodded.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course." I added, "He needs you. Take care of yourself-for him."

"_For me."_

She nodded. "I will." She said weakly.

I swallowed. "And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time that you see me. I wont come back. I wont put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed.

She started to shake. I wanted to hold her, but I was frozen.

"Don't worry." I said. "You're human, your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

She looked up at me. "And your memories?" She choked out.

"Well."

_"I'll never stop thinking about you, even for one second, for my entire existence."_

"I wont forget, but my kind...we're very easily distracted."

I smiled and stepped away from her, the smile was for her, the distance was for me. Every muscle in my body seemed to be stretching out for her.

"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

"Alice isn't coming back." She said, it wasn't a question.

I shook my head. "No, they're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you good-bye."

"Alice is gone?" She asked, her voice almost gone.

I felt terrible. This is what Alice had been afraid of, why she hated me now. "She wanted to say goodbye." I said quickly, "But I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."

She swayed slightly. I couldn't hurt her anymore.

"Goodbye, Bella." I said, turning away.

_I love you._

"Wait!" She yelled. She stumbled forward, reaching out for me.I wanted nothing more than to reach back to her. To take her in my arms and hold her. Wipe the tears away but I couldn't.

I reached for her hands and pinned them to her side. I brushed my lips across her forehead wishing I could cry too. To have the release that she did.

"Take care of yourself." I breathed.

And then I left.

I made wide arch around her house and bolted up to her room. I took the CD out of the player, put it in the case and grabbed the pictures of me from her scrapbook. I wrenched up the floorboard and placed the things inside and quickly replaced the wood. I would help her erase all memories of me.

I looked around the room one last time and memories of sitting on the bed, watching her sleep ran over me. I breathed in her scent, deeply, absorbing it into every pore of my body. I needed to remember her scent. I left the room, got in my car and drove away.

Still holding the sweet smelling air from her room.

That's when the real pain hit.


	5. Chapter 4 Denali

Chapter 4

Driving to Denali, Alaska is very impractical. If I would have run it would've been simply a matter of staying along the coast until I got to Anchorage and then headed north through Wasilla to Denali. Driving is not that simple. There is no road to Denali. Denali is actually a state park. You can drive to the gate and through the park, but other than that, the road goes around. Tanya and her sisters do not live in the state park and that's where my family was. They live up in the mountains where no one could find them by accident. They live in a place no Volvo was supposed to go. Emmett's Jeep probably would have made it okay, but not the Volvo.

I tried to picture Carlisle and Rosalie navigating their expensive cars to the cabin tucked away in the trees. I probably would have laughed at the picture, if my world wasn't completely devastated. There was no humor in this new black world, no joy or happiness. There was only emptiness and darkness and pain.

I boarded a ferry heading north. When my car was safely parked below, I walked out to the main deck. The landscape here is beautiful. The water is fresh and cold. It's so still that the only ripples come for the iron ship cutting it's way through. The mountains tucked behind a forest of dark green are covered in snow. The air is crisp, colder over the water then September air normally is, not that I react to temperature, I can simply taste the bite in the air. The air in winter seems cleaner some how than it is in the summer, not bogged down with as much humidity, lighter.

I had a brief flash of Bella standing next to me, she's wrapped in a large winter coat, the fur of the hood wrapped around her beautiful face, which was turned away from me looking at the mountains. Her gloved hands reached out and touch the white metal railings in front of us as she leaned closer for a better look at the magnificent surroundings. I reached out my hand to stop her from going too far over, her balance was not ideal for standing at the edge, leaning over freezing waters.

When I put my hand on the arm of her jacket her face turned to look at it. When at last I finally saw her face, it was not warm the way it normally was, it was cold. She looked into my eyes, and I could not see the depth in them at all. They were flat and dead. Her chest began to convulse as if she was going to cry. This was how she looked when I had left her in the forest.

I reached up to touch her face, to comfort her, but as I did she disappeared, leaving my arm stretched out for nothing. I turned back towards the railing staring darkly at the black water. Would I never see her smile again, would I always remember her as I did the last time I saw her. My grip tightened on the railing and the metal gave way. I walked back to my car, not bothering to cover the hand prints permanently molded in the iron.

When I got in my car, I put a CD in the player and turned the volume up. I was very careful to listen to each note, picturing each one of them as a key on the piano. I willed this to fill my entire mind, to occupy every facet of my consciousness with the music but it wasn't any use. Though I saw the song played perfectly, it did not wipe the image of Bella, cold and empty, from my head. I turned off the music.

The boat docked in Keystone and I followed the cars as they filed off of the ferry. It was painful how slow the single file line moved. I needed the speed. I needed to be driving so fast, I could leave the misery behind me. I followed the crawling traffic until we reached the Canadian border. The line turned left, towards Vancouver, I turned right. There wasn't anything to the right.

I pushed my foot down to the floor and coaxed all of the speed possible out of my engine. I flew around corners, climbing my way up and descending down as I wound through the mountains. No distractions came into my head, my mind was completely blank. I focused on nothing but the road in front of me. I wished I could take a turn wrong, hit a patch of ice I hadn't noticed, but even if I did, even if I rolled over and over down the deepest mountain side, into the torrential, freezing black water of the ocean, down into the deepest gorge where the water pressure was so intense it crushed the frame of my car and shattered the glass, I'd simply swim to the surface and continue on my way.

Everything seemed so hopeless now. There could be no quick end to my pain. The short decades that remained of Bella's life, of my life, seemed like an eternity.

It was twilight now. I stopped at a gas station and put the nozzle in my tank, swiping the black credit card through the machine. If I drove all night, driving as fast as my car would go, I would still not be there by morning. Normally, I wouldn't mind the drive. I liked spending time alone. But now alone seemed so much more quantifiable. Alone meant being by myself with the crushing misery, seeing Bella's lifeless face. I didn't know which was going to be worse, solitude, or the sympathy of my family.

I pulled the nozzle out of my tank and got back in the car, pulling out and reaching top speed again. When the moon rose over head, I was just out side of Prince George, almost the dead center of British Columbia. The ability to keep my mind entirely focused on the road was quickly diminishing. The crushing pain of my new world was beginning to sink around me. I began to shake my head back and forth as if I could shake the haze of misery away from me but I couldn't. I tried to push the pedal harder, hoping to coax more speed from the engine, it was pointless. I sat deeper in my seat, tightened my grip on the steering wheel and felt it begin to crush me.

By 3pm the next day, I had stopped for gas 4 times and was now only 150 miles from Wasilla. Just over an hour. I sat through the crushing pain yearning for tears, for death. I hadn't seen Bella for 24 hours now. This wasn't our longest time apart, but it felt like it. Though I had left her for entire weekends in the past, as Emmett and I made our way through the ranges of mountains in California searching for big game, I had always known I'd come back to her, that I'd see her smile when she woke up and found me next to her. This wasn't going to happen this time and now every second felt like an eternity.

When I drove into Wasilla, I decided against trying to navigate my Volvo through the trees and rocky terrain to Tanya's house. I left my car at Alaska mini storage, almost surprised to see the staff washing Carlisle's Mercedes a few units down, and took the rest of the journey on foot. It only took about 30 minutes until I could see the house and I slowed down.

It wasn't a mansion, as was our home back in Forks, but it was no small mountain cabin either. It stood two stories above the ground and there was about a foot of fresh snow on the slanted roof that covered the wrap around porch, smoke billowed from the chimney.

As I came out of the trees and stood, hesitating before I came into the house, the door opened. Esme leaned her head outside and looked around, her eyes falling on me and her face breaking into a smile. She walked out to the porch and held her arms open for me. I walked to her and wrapped my arms around her. I thought this hug was for welcome, but it wasn't. This hug was for comfort. Suddenly I felt like a small child who had just fallen off his bike and scraped his knees and had run to his mother to be coddled. The crushing misery finally caused me to collapse and Esme caught me and held me in her arms. She ran a her fingers through my hair and whispered in my ear.

"Edward, it's going to be okay. Everyday the sun will come up and life will go on. Bella will be fine and healthy and strong back in Forks. Charlie will look after her. She'll be safe."

"I wanted to be the one to keep her safe." I whispered back.

"I know." She said, soothingly. She picked me up and brushed the hair out of my eyes. "Everything is going to work out in the end, you wait and see."

I looked at her, wanting to believe her words of comfort but I couldn't. Carlisle came onto the porch then and smiled when he saw me.

"Edward!" he said joyously. We were wondering when you'd get here.

I snorted. "Yeah. Was Alice off by a few seconds?" I asked sarcastically.

He looked at me, his brow furrowed. "Alice isn't here."

"Where is she?" I asked.

"After you called yesterday, she had a vision that seemed to disturb her. She ran off into the forest and Jasper ran after her. He called from Anchorage last night to tell us they'd be back in a few days."

"What did she see?" I asked, thinking of Bella, suddenly terrified.

"She saw you leaving Bella." he answered, his voice full of hurt.

"Oh." I said. Was I really so much of a monster Alice couldn't even stand to be here when I came home. I already knew the answer to that, I was.

Esme wrapped her arms around my shoulders and ushered me inside.

There was a fire under the hearth, filing the room with dancing light. Emmett and Rosalie sat, curled together on the couch next to the fire. Jealousy erupted in me as I saw the love reflect in Rosalie's eyes, the same love that used to show in Bella's when she looked at me.

When the door closed, Emmett came out of his solitary world with Rosalie and looked at me, a smile stretching across his face.

"Hey, Edward." he said.

Rosalie turned and to my surprise she smiled too. "Edward!" She said and the joy in her face was not acted.

She rushed over to me and hugged me, smiling widely when Emmett came to do the same.

"Hello, Emmett, Rosalie." I said, my voice filled with confusion.

"We've been waiting for you to get back. How was your drive?" Rosalie asked pleasantly.

"It was..." But I couldn't finish. I'd spent most of the drive with Bella, imagining her in the seat next to me, the misery choked off my voice.

Esme wrapped her arms around me again. "Your eyes are black." She said, worriedly. "Maybe you and Emmett should go find something for you to eat."

"Alright!" Emmett said. "It's bear season now, good thing Bella's birthday is in September."

I glared at him, turning towards him with fury, Carlisle grabbed my arm.

"I didn't mean it like that." Emmett said quickly. "I'm not happy about being here either, Edward. You know how I loved her."

I took a deep breath, "Please don't ever try to find a good in leaving Bella behind in Forks." I said, the amount of patience in my voice surprising me. "It would be impossible and I'd hate for you to waste your time."

Emmett's face showed that he would have preferred the shouting. He hung his head a little as if I had scolded him.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I know what this must be like for you." He said.

"No." I replied, "You have no idea."

He looked up to me, pain in his eyes but I had nothing in me to make him feel better. Esme looked torn between which of her two sons to hold. Rosalie squeezed Emmett's arm.

"Well, if you're going to go, you'd better go now." Rosalie said, changing the subject and regaining her cheerful tone. "Get a big one for me, baby." She said, looking at Emmett.

He brightened a little, I didn't.

"Which room am I taking?" I asked.

"The loft, up the stairs at the end of the hallway on the second floor." Esme said. I walked away from them towards the stairs, but Esme reached and grabbed my arm.

"Edward, please?" She asked, the hurt reflecting in her eyes.

I turned to Emmett. "Okay," I said, defeated. "Lead the way."

He smiled and lead me through the front door. We began to run through the trees up the side of the mountain, ignoring the deer and small prey as we went.

We came to the edge of a river and stopped. A good sized grizzly was standing in the water looking for fish.

Emmett turned to me and smiled, then he launched himself into the water after the bear. He did not immediately attack his throat as I would have, he never gave the bears a quick and easy death. It was almost as though he ran to the bear and tapped it on the shoulder, letting his presence be known.

Bears are never in a good mood when they're hunting. When Emmett gave the bear a slight shove, the bear retorted with an angry growl and a swipe of his paw. Emmett dodged it easily, jumping just slightly out of the bears reach.

The bear, not assessing Emmett as an immediate threat turned back to it's fishing, but when Emmett shoved the bear again, this time using enough force to move the grizzly, it turned and roared at him, baring his teeth. Emmett roared back, this was his favorite part of hunting, the fight.

The bear charged at him but Emmett jumped to the side, the water not hindering him in the same way it did the bear, and forced his head into the water. When the bear surfaced, he was angry and swiped at Emmett again, this time managing to hit Emmett's massive bicep. Emmett roared with laughter, the bear roared with fury, when the sleeve of Emmett's shirt ripped, but scraped harmlessly against his marble skin. The bear turned and charged again and this time Emmett grabbed him by the head, lifted him and threw him into the ground with all the force he could muster. The bear was slightly dazed.

He threw his leg up and kicked him hard in the jaw, the bear stumbled back again and had no time to recover before Emmett hit him again. The bear tried to shake off the heavy feeling in his head, and reared on it's hind legs. Emmett punched him hard in the chest, breaking his massive ribs. The bear crippled to the ground howling with pain and Emmett broke his shoulder, enabling the bear from swinging at him again.

I wasn't sure how much longer Emmett would make the bear suffer before finally killing him, but he seemed to be satisfied with his victory because at that moment he bent over the bear and snapped his neck, catching his limp, lifeless body in the water. He dragged the bear's body to the shore and then turned to me.

"You want this one?" He asked, hopefully, it sounded as though a heavier bear was breaking it's way through the forest towards the water.

"No, thank you." I replied and turned away as he ripped into the flesh of it's throat. When he finished, I turned and ran back toward the house but he caught up with me a few miles away and stopped me.

"You're not hunting?" He asked, concerned.

"No." I cursed the misery as though it were a physical thing, it's crushing weight was weighing me down, slowing me.

"But your eyes." He started. "They'll know... they'll worry... Esme..." He struggled to find the right words.

I turned as a deer entered the clearing. I ran to it, snapping it's neck and biting through it's thin flesh. The warm blood flooded past my lips and flowed down my throat, though I barely tasted it. There was no real desire for blood in me, my throat that was usually on fire, with Bella's scent, held no recollection of a burn. I drank until the animal was empty and then threw it's body on the ground. It had been a long time since I had hunted, and the feeling of being full was strange to me.

I walked back to Emmett and looked at him, gesturing towards the house.

"Shall we?" I asked.

He looked at me, worried and then took off towards the house.

I followed. When we got to the house, Jasper was outside.

"Hello, Edward." He greeted me.

"Jasper." I said. I started walking in the house but he stopped me.

"You might not want to go into the house." Jasper said.

"Why?" I asked.

Just then Alice stormed out of the house, her eyes on fire, blazing towards me.

"Alice..." I started.

She slapped me across the face.

"How dare you." She said.

"Wha....?"

"I saw it! I saw you leave Bella. How could you? You broke her heart! How could you just leave her standing there, alone. She ra..."

I cut her off, fury building in me. "What would you have me do, Alice?" I asked. "Drag it out more? Hurt her more? Put her in more danger? I had to leave her, and she had to believe that I didn't want her anymore. What if she came after us? She could get lost, she could get hurt, she could get KILLED!"

Alice looked at me, the anger fading from her face.

"But, I don't want.." She said, but faded off.

_"This is all my fault."_ Jasper thought.

"No, Jasper. This is my fault. I shouldn't have started this, any of this. She was always in danger, you just helped me see it. You may have saved her, saved me from doing something I could never forgive myself for."

"She knows you love her." Alice said.

"No, she doesn't. You should have seen her face." I said.

Alice reached up and moved my hair as Esme had done. "I did." She said.

I shook my head. "It's not the same."

"She may think she believes your lie, but subconsciously, she doesn't. I can see..."

"Alice," I said. "Please. Please don't see. Don't look for her future. We've separated ourselves from her, now we need to let her live her life."

"Edward, you know it doesn't work like that, I can't help what I see. It just happens..."

"Just try. Please." I begged.

"I promise."

I shot her a fleeting look and then walked into the house. Rosalie bounded up to me when I walked through the door.

"Edward! You're eyes look so much better." she beamed.

"What's with you?" I asked suspiciously.

She looked at me, confused. "You did it." she said.

"Did what?" I asked.

"You... You saved our family."

"What are you talking about. I didn't save anything."

"Yes you did! You left. Bella can no longer threaten any one of us. Now neither you or Jasper can slip up and no one will know ever suspect anything. I didn't think you would ever have the strength to leave but you did! I'm so proud of you!"

_"The whole Bella episode was just irritating anyway. Edward, Alice and even Emmett fawning over that pathetic human. If she was as amazing as they thought she would've had the sense to stay human."_

Anger bubbled in me again. I grabbed Rosalie by the throat and threw her against the wall.

"Edward, I...I.." She said, struggling against my grip that threatened to break her neck. I wanted to rip her apart right there in the living room, to throw her into the fire that burned in the fireplace only a few feet away.

Someone grabbed my arm and pulled me off Rosalie, who stumbled to the ground looking both terrified and furious. I struggled back towards her.

"Get off of me!" I yelled.

"Edward! Edward, Stop!"

I turned around, ready to release my fury on whoever held me. Tanya and Kate stopped pulling and stood, staring, ready to stop my attack on them.

I growled and turned to the stairs, I stomped up them, too angry to realize how childish I looked. At the top of the stairs there was a glass vase that held an artful arrangement of bare branches. I picked it up and threw it hard against the wall at the end of the hall. It shattered, making a tinkling sound as the glass shards scattered against the hard wood floor.

Attached to the ceiling at the end of the hall was a string that when pulled revealed the staircase that led to the loft. I walked over and pulled the string, climbed the stairs and pulled them up after me.

The room was fairly small. There was a chest against one wall and an ancient desk against the other. A large bed with an old multi colored quilt took up the bulk of the room. I walked to the window at the back wall and stared out, it had started to snow.

Jasper stood at the edge of the trees, facing away from me, Alice at his side. Her arms were around him comforting him, I listened.

_"It doesn't matter what he says, it's my fault. I showed one moment of weakness and it's ruined everything. Esme had to leave the home she loves, Carlisle deserting his patients, and Edward. Oh god, what have I done to Edward."_

_"Jasper, it's going to be okay. Edward knows that you weren't intentionally going to hurt Bella. He didn't leave because of you, he left because of himself. He left because it's something he thinks he needs to do." _Alice said.

_"How do you think Bella is taking it?" _

_"Bella..." _She turned to look at the window of my room. I moved but I knew she probably saw me. She continued anyway.

_"Bella, is not our concern anymore. Leaving Forks doesn't have to be so bad, we can rebuild, we've done it hundreds of times."_

_"But we've never had to do it under these circumstances." _Jasper said. _"He loved her Alice. He loved her. It's the same as I love you."_

_"I know."_ she replied. _"But..." _

Alice looked back up at the window, nervous and then leaned closer to Jasper.

_"Do you think he's listening right now?" She asked._

_"Probably not. He's probably to busy dealing with his world collapsing to bother with us."_

_"Well then, I keep seeing... I just, don't think... I don't think this is the end. I see it still. I still see Bella joining our family. It's hazier, like it's more uncertain when it will happen but it will happen. It's one of the most definite visions I've ever had." _

_"What does that mean?" _Jasper asked.

_"It means we're going to have to be careful with Edward over then next few months. I see that it's going to be very difficult for him. He hasn't made any decisions yet on what he's going to do, I don't even know if he's thinking about it, but I know the next few months are going to be very difficult."_

_"We'll give him space for now. Let him think things through. Let him make peace with himself and say goodbye to his love on his own time." _Jasper said.

_"Esme and Carlisle wont like that. It will kill Esme to let Edward sit alone in his room and be unhappy."_

_"I know. But it's what he needs."_

_"Well we'll be leaving soon and maybe being on the move will cheer him up." _Alice said hopefully.

_"Where are we going?" _Jasper asked.

_"New Hampshire, I think. Rosalie and Emmett will enroll in some night classes at Dartmouth and Esme will find the perfect house to renovate."_

I turned away. Moving to New Hampshire wasn't going to cheer me up and I knew it. I laid in the bed, put my face in the pillow and screamed.

The movement downstairs stopped. I turned around and lay, waiting for someone to come in and talk to me, try to comfort me, but when footsteps finally did come up the stairs, they stopped underneath me and I heard glass being scraped into plastic. Whoever it was, I thought probably Esme by the rhythm of the footsteps, walked back down the stairs and did not come up again. The sun set and the snow got heavier. The conversation down stairs was quiet and steady. Occasionally thoughts of me trailed up the stairs but they did not revolve around coming to check on me.

I was glad for the solitude. I turned around an buried my face in the pillow again, falling into a fantasy of Bella.


	6. Chapter 5 Second Chance

Chapter 5

_I first saw her deep brown eyes in the thoughts of Jessica Stanley. She had said my name, though I had only heard it in her thoughts. Once I heard my name, I focused on her, and I saw them. Her wide, chocolate brown eyes set in her heart shape faced. At the time I hadn't thought her beautiful, I had actually thought her plain. _

_I don't understand how I didn't see right away, that she was the most beautiful creature on the planet. Even vampires, who had their human beauty magnified, could not have measured her beauty. Even the features that could have been considered flaws by some people, made her beautiful. The way her top lip was a little more full then her bottom one, it made them so much more appealing. Her skin was flawless and her scent. _I immediately breathed in, lost in my fantasy, and imagined her scent. I remembered it perfectly.

_"Of course she's already crushing on the Cullens." _The first time she'd shown interest in my family, in me. Though Jessica's tone, which was repeated perfectly in my memory, dripped with jealousy and distaste, I could not resent it. It gave me this moment with Bella.

_"Fat lot of good it will do her. She's really not even pretty. I don't know why Eric is staring so much... Or Mike." _

This I didn't like to remember. Jessica had never thought kindly of Bella, though Bella was always very cordial to her. She always was too kind to the people who deserved it least. And Mike. It had been two days since I'd left. Was he already on his way of taking my place, or would he let Bella grieve over my absence for a few days? No, I shouldn't want that. Bella should move on from me as quickly as possible. I wasn't allowed to want her to miss me. I wanted it to be a quick, clean break. I didn't want her to suffer. I wondered how she was. Happy? I sincerely hoped so, hoped that somewhere in this world right now, Bella was smiling. Laughing even.

Though I wanted no more than her happiness, it hurt to picture her happy without me. I pushed the present out of my mind and returned to the past.I focused on the picture of Bella in Jessica's thoughts. She was so beautiful, I wanted to have this image permanently planted in my mind. Not the image of her in the forest, like the one I was forced to conjure while in the conscious world.

_As Jessica continued to chatter on endlessly I tried to focus on hearing Bella's reaction to my family, but I heard nothing. At the time this had alarmed me. I had never failed to hear a humans thoughts in my entire existence as a vampire. I looked at her, not sure if she still sat next to Jessica. She did, and she stared at me. Stared at me with those beautiful eyes. _

_But I couldn't read her thoughts. This was the first time I became infatuated with Isabella Swan. As I focused on trying to hear her thoughts, my head exploded with the internal dialogue of the entire room. _

_"...wonder what music she likes... maybe I could mention that new CD."_

_"Look at him staring at her. Isn't it enough that he has half the girls in school waiting for him too.."_

_"...so disgusting. You'd think she was famous or something. Even Edward Cullen, staring..."_

_"...I bet everyone has asked her that. But I'd like to talk to her. I'll think of a more original question..."_

_"...Maybe she'll be in my Spanish..."_

_Everyone in the room, but Bella. Luckily, I was close enough to hear her voice, the sweetest, most beautiful voice in the world. _

_"Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair?" She asked. The first time I heard her speak, and it was about me. _

_I was disappointed at that moment because her physical voice had not helped me pinpoint her mental voice. I stared at her, impossibly frustrated, until Rosalie motioned for my family and I to head to class. _

_I shuffled off towards the classroom and sat in my seat, unloaded my books and waited for class to start. I was almost able to push Bella out of my mind when she walked in with Angela Weber. The thoughts in the room shifted back to her from the coming lesson. She walked over to take her place next to me, the only place available. I began to move my things over when she walked under the heating vent and wafted her smell towards me, the first time I ever breathed that scent. _

_It hit me like a recking ball. and in that moment I lost all shred of feigned humanity and became the thirsty vampire I was. She walked toward me and I began to make plans. _

Thinking about the first time I'd put her life in danger brought me out of my fantasy and into the present. The present without light, without happiness, without Bella.

The first week was black. I didn't move from the bed, I just thought about her. A few times Esme or Alice would come to wake me from my stupor but I barely registered they were even there.

Finally, fed up with Esme's unhappiness, Carlisle told Jasper and Emmett to come and get me. Emmett was ecstatic when he burst through my door, ready to forcefully remove me from the bed.

"Oh, get up." Jasper said. "You'll never get over her laying in this bed thinking about her all day."

"I don't want to get over her." I growled. "I'm not one for attempting the impossible."

Emmett picked me up and stood me upright. "Stop being selfish."

"Selfish?" I gasped incredulously. "I've left the only thing that has ever meant anything to me, and I'm the selfish one?"

"Yes. You left Bella. Congratulations! But you're not as selfless as you think. Bella's heartbroken and Charlie and Renee are suffering because you're afraid of something Alice says will never happen. You've made your entire family up root themselves and move away from the place we love, though none of us agree with your decision. Do you really think Bella is anymore safe without us there? If it wasn't for our presence, she would have been killed her first month living in Forks by that Van, or by those stupid college kids in Port Angeles. You've been nothing but a lifesaver to her, why can't you see that?"

"Because none of those things are as dangerous for her as my love is." I tried to get back in the bed but Jasper caught me and stood me up.

"If you want to play the self-less victim, then play it and re-join our family." he said.

"Look, we all know you're hurt, but it wont help to sit up here alone. If you're going to be miserable, then why not be miserable while making Esme and Alice happy." Emmett added.

He was right, nothing was going to bring me out of this misery but I could bring my family out of their's.

"Alright." I agreed.

I followed them down the stairs and into the kitchen. There was a large wooden table in the center of the room, around which sat the remainder of my family, Kate, Tanya, Eleazar and Carmen. Esme's eyes snapped up as I descended behind Emmett and she rushed to wrap her arms around me.

"I've worried about you." She said.

"I'm sorry." I replied, trying to remove all trace of sadness from my tone.

"It will pass. You may never forget her, but you may think of your memories differently one day. Not as the time that you lost, but as the time you were given."

"Thanks, Esme." I said.

"Edward." Alice said, smiling and moving towards me.

I hugged her as she came towards me. "I never said I'm sorry, and I am. Before I left... when I told her we wouldn't bother her again, she said your name. I told her it was my fault, that you wanted to tell her goodbye. You were right, I was cruel."

"I wasn't lying before when I told you she still knows you love her. Her mind may tell her no, but her heart still tells her yes. She'll figure it out before too long."

"I don't know what will be worse." I said.

"The worst is now. You'll find a distraction."

"I'm counting on it."

Esme wrapped her arm around me and turned to the rest of the family.

"Isn't it wonderful, Carlisle. Now the Edward is up and about we can leave for the new house."

"New house?" I asked.

Esme smiled. "It seems Alice has found the most darling little Victorian in New Hampshire, it'll be much like Forks, very wet, very cloudy." She said brightly.

"No, it wont be like Forks." I said.

"You're right." She said. "Nothing could ever be like Forks. But you'll like it there. We'll leave in the morning."

"Why so soon?" I asked. Esme would normally love to stay with the Denali as long as possible.

"Irina and Laurent will be back in a few days. Rosalie and Emmett are using their room."

"Laurent?" I was suddenly alarmed.

"He came here last spring and our Irina took quite a liking to him. They go hunting together and are gone for days at a time." Kate said.

"Hunting? He's off human blood?" I asked.

"Well, not completely." Tanya answered. "He's slipped up a few times, but he's getting better."

Jasper's chest puffed out, and he looked a little smug.

_"See I'm not the only one." _He thought.

I glanced in his direction, and his eyes fell, ashamed. I gave him a half smile, but then turned back to Tanya.

"They don't know we were here?"

"No. They left before Carlisle called to tell us of your visit." She said.

"Please, Please don't tell them we were here." I begged.

"But.. your scent. They'll know.."

"We were visiting." I said quickly.

"They won't be upset at your visit," Kate began, confused, "In fact, they'll probably just be disappointed that they missed you."

"We went back to Forks." I said, my voice full of finality.

"But..why?" Tanya asked.

"If Laurent is slipping, I don't want him to know we're not in Forks with Bella."

Kate smiled. "Laurent would never.."

"We're in Forks." I was not negotiating.

"We won't tell." Tanya said and looked at her sister, her eyes telling her to drop it.

"Thank you." I said.

"Speaking of hunting," Alice said. "It's been awhile since I've gone. Edward, you're eyes aren't to bright, come with me?"

I looked at her.

_"Please. I need to speak with you." _she thought.

"Alright." I said, and I followed her out the door. My family continuing their evening.

Alice and I walked towards the woods. "Race you?" She asked.

I smiled. "After you."

She took off and I followed her. I had not run in a while and air was slightly exhilarating. I was not as fast as I was a month ago. The fog of my pain weighed me down like I had never been before, it made me sluggish and Alice was soon rapidly lengthening the distance between us, twisting in and out of trees. When we reached the river that Emmett and I had found the grizzly bear fishing in the week before she stopped.

"I know what you're planning." She said.

"What" I asked, actually confused.

"When she dies... I know what you're planning."

"Can you blame me?"

"No." She said, truthfully. "But I'll stop you."

I didn't answer. She wouldn't stop me, I'd just have to be more clever when the time came, faster.

"Edward." She began.

Her thoughts were racing, it was hard to keep up.

"Edward.. I don't. Bella."

Her name cut me. I could barely live through my own masochistic fantasies, let alone other people's.

"Alice, I know you miss her. But I can't hear..."

"No Edward. I mean, I do miss her but it's not that. She's... well I see that sh-"

"I told you not to look into her future again." I said, suddenly angry.

"It's not like I meant to. I just keep seeing flashes. I'm too attuned to her."

"I don't want to hear." I said, though I did. If I could have it my own way, I would have Alice as my own personal radio and the program would always be Bella's life. But the urge to return to her was already growing too strong, if I listened to what Alice said, nothing could keep me here.

"I guess. If that's what you want. I just think that you should know how..."

"No Alice!" I screamed. "Don't mention it again. I never want to hear her name again, understand?" The hurt that filled ever facet of my being suddenly became rage. Rage directed only at Alice, who could see Bella everyday in a way that I could not. I was losing control, a growl erupted from my chest and venom filled my mouth. I picked up a boulder sized rock resting in the shallow water by the river and hurled it into the forest. Then I turned to Alice, who's eyes were filled with fear.

"Edward." She pleaded.

I turned away from her and ran. I didn't know where but I was running at the speed I did before I'd come to Denali. The misery had completely morphed into anger and I could use it to propel me forward. After a few moments, I realized the direction I was headed in and I stopped, causing deep grooves in the hard ground. I was pointed to Forks.

The anger was fading and the crushing misery was taking it's place. I turned around, looking over my shoulder, knowing that no matter how hard I tried it wouldn't help, and willed my eyes to see all the way to Forks. To see the light from window in the darkening sky. To see her sitting on her bed. Maybe she'd found the scrapbook and CD under her floorboard and was staring at it, listening to it, feeling my love for her.

I began to walk back in the direction of the house. Speed was not going to free me of the pain this time, there was no point. The loneliness was agony as I thought of her. The sun had completely set by now, but there was no moon. The light that normally broke the darkness of the night sky was completely hidden behind the clouds, though that did nothing to hinder my eyesight.

Eventually, knowing Esme would worry when Alice came home without me I began to run again. When I saw the house, I took a deep breath, trying to push the misery deep in me until I could be alone in my room again and allow it to spread. It didn't rid me of the pressure, but it relieved it enough for me to wander through the front oak door.

"Hello, Edward. How was it?" Esme asked as I walked through the front door. She was twisting some of the evergreen branches from the trees out front into wreathes to surround the bases of the bare candles that sat on the wooden surfaces in the living room.

"It was.. where's Alice?" I asked.

Esme looked up, alarmed. "She isn't with you?"

"No, I thought she'd beat me.."

"Hello." Alice said brightly, walking in the door behind me. "Okay, Edward you beat me, gloat all you want, but you have to admit, I was close that time. Next time, I'll get you for sure." She said with a smile and danced to the stairs.

"Goodnight." She said, and she disappeared.

"A race, huh? Looks like you've brightened up." Esme smiled and returned to her weaving. I smiled at her, though I'm not sure it came out as a smile, and followed Alice up the stairs. I pulled the stairs down and walked into my dark room, wondering where Alice could have gone that would've caused her to be later than me, though I'd walked over half the way back.

I turned around to turn the light on, but something caught my eye. I turned to the bed and saw Alice sitting there.

I turned and shut the door. "Where were you?" I asked, worried.

"Waiting for you." She replied.

I exhaled. "Why?" I asked.

"Because it would worry everyone if I came back without you. You can read minds, don't you know how much you're affecting Esme and Carlisle? They're worried. We're not leaving early because of Laurent, we're leaving because they want to put as much distance between you and Bella as possible."

"Well thank you. I guess I'm having a hard time considering the consequences of my actions." I spat at her.

She got off the bed and hugged me, then grabbed me by the face and looked deep into my eyes.

"Yes. You are." She said, and left the room.

I got into the bed, pictured Bella's face and lost sense of everything real around me.

_Her window groaned the first time I opened it. I made a mental note to bring oil and then was disgusted with myself, I had not been invited into her room the first time I came in. When I crawled through the window I looked around, taking mental pictures of the way her books were stacked, the CDs piled next to an outdated CD player, an ancient computer surrounded by stacks of papers and shoes scattered across the floor. _

_I sat in the rocking chair by the window and stared at her. Her hair was tangled across her pillow, hiding part of her beautiful pale face. She wore an old t-shirt and a pair of holey sweats. Her face was relaxed, her mouth slightly open, breathing slowly in and out, a little trace of a snore. _

_I wanted her at that moment, but hadn't I wanted her since the first time I'd seen her. At first I thought the infatuation came from my in ability to hear her thoughts, but at that moment I knew, it had always been her. She had every piece of me, and she still did. _

_I didn't know at that moment, that she could possibly want me back. I thought of myself as a monster, unworthy of her love and I was sure she saw me in the same light. I was about to turn and leave but..._

_"Edward," Bella whispered. I turned towards her. The moment I realized she was asleep, dreaming of me, I became more elated then I had ever been in my life. _

_I replayed that moment over in my head. _

_"Edward,"_

_"Edward,"_

"Edward!" Alice was shaking me.

I opened my eyes. The visions of Bella fading away from me.

"We're leaving." she said.

I got out of the bed and followed her downstairs. My entire family waited for Alice and I in the living room. Carlisle handed me a plane ticket and I looked at him confused, my family could hardly ever surprise me, but I suppose my thoughts were occupied these days.

"We're flying?" I asked.

"Yes. I start work at Kendall Hospital tomorrow Morning and Jasper and Emmett have both registered for classes at Dartmouth. We'll get the cars in a few months, once we've gotten settled into our new life."

"But how will you get to..."

"I think a new car would cheer you up, don't you?"

_No_. I thought, but I smiled. He put his hand on my shoulder and gestured me forward after Rosalie.

When we were outside, snow swirling around us in the light of the breaking dawn, Carlisle stopped us again.

"We'll be running to the Anchorage Airport so keep a wide birth between you and Wasilla and we'll meet in the terminal."

Alice edged closer to me. "_In speculum spectans dic oris imagine visa, Tempus adest facies ut creet ista novam...."_

She was reciting Shakespeare in Latin, keeping her thoughts from me. This made me nervous. What had she seen that she would want to keep hidden from me? Was Bella hurt, in danger? I shook off the thought and focused on Jasper running ahead of me. Bella was safe, after all the biggest danger to her was about to board a plane and fly across country.

When we arrived in Anchorage, I walked casually through the door of the terminal. Emmett and Rosalie were walking across the parking lot behind me and Alice and Jasper were on the escalator, moving towards Esme and Carlisle who were about to walk through security.

When I reached the second floor I saw Carlisle and Esme waiting for us on the other side of the metal detectors and Jasper was putting his wallet in the bin that would move through the scanner. I couldn't see Alice. Emmett and Rosalie walked up behind me and Emmett reached out for me.

"Edward? Let's go." He said.

"I'll meet you at the gate." I said and walked to my right, towards the ticket sales counter.

I scanned for Alice, wondering why she wasn't going through security with Jasper. Had she seen something that worried her. Obviously it was something that worried her enough to keep her thoughts from me, but not enough to keep Jasper off the plane. What could it have been?

I suddenly found myself moving too quickly towards the Continental counter. The woman, who was moving luggage onto the scale, was startled when I approached her.

"Excuse me, sir." She said, exhaling deeply, "You startled me."

"I apologize." I said, failing at my normally perfect chivalry, "I was hoping to book a seat on the next flight to Seattle."

"Of course," She said, "That's a popular flight today, just filled one of the last seats on our first flight a few moments ago." She smiled and began tapping away at the keyboard. "When would you like to depart?" She asked.

"As soon as possible, please." I said with a smile.

"There's a flight in about fifty minutes leaving from terminal B, but we only have 3 first class seats available, it'll be approximately $1,060." She said, smiling.

"That'll be fine." I said, setting down my black card.

Her eyes lit up as she reached for it. "_Beautiful and rich. Maybe I'll write my phone number on his boarding pass. No, why would he call me, that's stupid." _

She smiled when she handed me the new boarding pass. "Here's you card, Mr. Cullen and please take one of _my_ cards, in case we can do anything else for you."

"Thank you." I said, taking the cards from her and turning back towards security.

_"No, thank you." _she thought behind me.

I walked away quickly but her fantasies followed me until I reached security. Normally, when human women thought of me in this manner, I felt sorry for them because if they got what they thought they wanted, they'd realize very quickly that they'd thought wrong. But I didn't feel sorry for her. I felt a wave of revulsion. I only would ever want Bella and she'd never think of me in that way again.

I placed my wallet in the bin next to the metal detector, took of my shoes and walked through. The security guard handed me my things and ushered me on as the person next to me set off the alarm with her multiple facial piercings.

I walked through the terminal and watched the flustered groups of people walking by.

_"..2,3... I'm missing a kid. Where is Devon? Oh.."_

_"5 minutes between flights, do they really expect us to be able to..."_

_"$2 for a bottle of water!"_

I watched a worried mother pull her child from a gift shop and herd her whole family towards the west end of the terminal as I arrived at my gate. Not many people had arrived for the flight and only a few chairs were occupied. There was a red haired woman, chewing on the end of a granola bar and flipping through a cosmopolitan magazine, a man in a suit typing furiously on a laptop, a teenage girl jabbering away on her cell phone next to her mother who was looking at a PDA and...

"Alice what are you doing here?" I asked, seeing her perched in the seat closest to the gate.

"You think you're going to Forks without me?" She asked.

"Yes that's exactly what I think, wait... what happened? I didn't decide to go to Forks until you kept me out of your thoughts.

"Nothing happened to Bella, well I think. I don't really know I guess. I haven't seen anything though, and if something terrible had happened to her... I would see that." she said.

"Then, what were you hiding from me?" I asked.

"You deciding to go to Forks. If I told you before you knew, then you'd have told me I couldn't come."

"But you couldn't see I was coming here if I hadn't decided it.." I said, confused.

"It wasn't your decision I saw."

I froze. "Who's going.."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Relax will you? We're going to Forks, no one else."

"Then..." I didn't know what to say, I was competely lost. Who's decision led me to Forks if Bella was safe?

Alice smiled, rolled her eyes again and reached into her backpack. She pulled out a newspaper and threw it at me.

"Carlisle decided to buy a newspaper when we got to the airport." She said.

I looked down at the headline.

**Strange Wolf Sighting Frightens and Amazes Hikers**

**Tricia Jansen**

_Forks, WA. _Just outside of the small town of Forks, Washington, Jill and Henry Bowler came across a creature that dramatically changed their weekend. "It was the size of a horse!" Henry Bowler said, describing the incident. "It was running through the trees so quickly and so close to..."

I didn't need to read the rest. So close to town, so close to Bella. I looked at Alice, slightly panicked.

"Don't worry." She said. "We'll just take a look. No contact whatsoever"

I nodded and sat next to her. We didn't say anything to each other during the short flight to Seattle. Alice bobbed her head to music from her Mp3 player and I stared out the window, willing the ground to come closer.

When the plane landed at SEA-TAC airport, we walked through the terminal and out towards the door where we were stopped in our tracks. The sun beat down, shining off the sidewalk. Alice looked at me.

I looked around and spotted a gift shop. "Follow me." I said.

We left the gift shop with gloves, sweat shirts, hats, sunglasses and umbrellas. When we stepped out of the automatic doors, we stood, using our umbrellas to shield us from the sun, waiting for a cab. When one arrived, the man getting out rushed to catch a plane and we dove into the seat and directed him to take us to the ferry in Edmonds.

"Alright," he said and drove off. When we entered the freeway he looked at us through his rear-view mirror. "Expecting rain?" He chuckled.

"We have skin cancer." I said. "We keep as much sun off of our skin as possible."

He stopped laughing, focused his eyes on the road and turned pink. The scent of his blood became stronger as his blood rushed to his face. Alice rolled down a window, it didn't help.

When we arrived at Edmonds, she threw a hundred dollar bill at the driver and darted out of the back seat before he could offer change. The fresh air was welcome as we walked towards the ticket booth.

On the ferry, we stayed blow decks, keeping out of the sun as much as possible and when we docked, we used the covered walk way until we reached the trees on the shore. Once hidden from the sun by the thick green branches, we ran north.

Once we got to the familiar "The City of Forks Welcomes You" sign, we stopped. I looked down at my watch, 10:30.

"She's at school." I said and began running towards Forks High School but Alice grabbed my arm.

"Wait." She hissed.

"What?" I said, getting irritated. It seemed like every cell in my body knew I was about to see Bella again, and I was aching for it.

"I don't think we should just run into town during the day. What if we're seen?" She asked, her eyes darting around nervously.

"We wont be." I said, tugging my arm out of her hands.

"People know us here, Edward. And if we're seen by anybody, even if just for a second. Bella will hear about it."

She was right. Forks was too small of a town. When my family left, it had been big news. The hospital had lost it's best doctor and Forks high had lost its best students in one swoop. If we were seen, it was sure to be big news again.

Alice turned and began to run towards our house. When we got there, I felt the weight get heavier. It looked dark and lonely, just as it had the days that I came home from school and curled up on the floor in misery.

She opened the door and walked into the dark living room. Her eyes fell on the furniture that have been pushed away when I curled on the carpet next to the couch and she turned towards me. I looked away, embarrassed that she knew how weak I had been but she reached out, caught my arm and squeezed.

We walked into the kitchen. Everything was as immaculate as it had been when we'd left. Alice traced a finger over the spotless counter as if she was trying to find dust, but her finger came up clean. I stared at the dining room table where Bella had sat bleeding, being stitched by Carlisle. A disgusted noise escaped my lips and I walked back into the living room. Alice followed.

_"I'm going to see if I want anything I left in my bedroom." _she thought, though I didn't know why. She would know exactly what was in her room and if she had wanted it, she would've taken it. I followed her up the stairs but kept walking past her door, towards my room.

When I walked through my bedroom door, I was immediately hit by the most desirable scent I could think of, I could smell Bella. I searched through the room, searching for what ever it was that wafted her smell into the room and I ended up at my closet. When I threw the doors open, my eyes fell on the blue shirt Bella had worn the night of her party, the arm still stained with her blood. I took it, surprised. Surely Esme would have washed the shirt the night of the party and thrown it out if the blood wouldn't come out of the fabric. But here it hang, stained and fragrant.

_"I told her you'd want it later."_ Alice thought, coming into the room.

I pulled the shirt into my face and inhaled, it smelled wonderful. I looked at Alice, wanting to thank her, but unable to speak.

She smiled. _"I'm going to look for the wolf. It'll be faster if you just... stay here." _

As she walked out of the room, I moved to the couch, rested my head on the throw pillow and laid the shirt over my face.

_I had stood in the parking lot, trying to find a way to talk to her when I heard Alice. _

_"No!" she had gasped. _

_Though I too had seen the vision that had caused her panic, I didn't need to in order to understand the reason for her panic. I could hear the wheels of Tyler Crowley's vehicle screeching against the pavement, his heavy van projecting itself towards the fragile girl who had become the center of my world. _

_She looked up at the sound and her eyes meant mine, and upon seeing the terror in them, she turned and saw the van. _

_"Not her!" I screamed in my head and launched myself towards the cowering girl. I grabbed her around the waist with too much force with one arm and grimaced when I heard her head hit the ice. I wanted to bend over her, to check her head and make sure she was alright but the van had rebounded for a second attack. _

_"Damn it!" I growled, dropped her waist to the ground and reached out and caught the van, holding it above her. If my hands moved, it would crush her legs. _

_For god's sake, I rocked the van away, grabbed Bella around the waist and pulled her from the trucks path of destruction. I sat with her body wrapped around mine, panicked that I had done to much, that I had exposed us, ecstatic that I could feel her warm pulse beneath her skin. _

_"_Edward." Alice said, lifting Bella's shirt off my face. The fresh air the filled the space that had once been shielded was rank compared to the scent of the shirt. I wrinkled my nose slightly and sat up.

"Well?" I asked, slightly annoyed that she had again ruined my fantasy of Bella.

"I caught its scent a few miles out of town. It went very far north and then mixed with the scent of a human and disappeared. I assume it was killed because I searched for it again coming back down and I didn't find anything."

"You're absolutely positive?"

"Absolutely. There'd be no way I'd miss that scent. It was... terrible." she said, wrinkling her nose.

"Good." I said, secretly glad the beast was dead.

"It's getting dark." Alice said.

We left the house and ran towards town, carefully avoiding headlights. We stayed in the trees along the edges of town, down dark alleys and even behind buildings when there was no other cover. I scanned the area for human thoughts once we got onto Bella's street, everyone was inside their house, retreating from the cold drizzle that had begun when the sun went down.

We retreated to the trees that would bring us along the edge of Bella's house and walked slowly. I was nervous, excited. What would happen when I saw her? If she was happy, smiling, laughing would I be happy too? If she wasn't, would I leave?

Alice and I snuck to the edge of the forest where we would be able to see Bella's window, the light was off. I scanned the house for Charlie's thoughts, maybe she was downstairs with him.

_"I hope Bella is going to make it home in the rain okay, it's kinda slick. Hopefully she had a good night at work .She IS doing better this week. Well, at least she's..."_

Bella was already getting over me, already healing. I didn't know if this made me feel better or worse.

"She's still at work." I hissed at Alice.

"I can hear her engine." Alice whispered back. I strained my ears, I could hear her too.

It took only a few minutes for Bella to pull into the drive way. We heard her truck door open and slam shut then the most beautiful rhythm of footsteps as she walked into the house.

I listened to her father again, desperate to hear her voice, if only through his thoughts.

"_Bella!" _He greeted her, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically.

_"Hey, dad." _The most perfect voice in the world replied, _"I had a long night, I'm going to take a shower and go to bed."_

I was so ecstatic about hearing her voice that it took me a minute to realize how lifeless it sounded, like an empty shell. Was her night that terrible, or did she miss me still? No, I couldn't wish for things like that. Of course her mood was not about me and it never would be again.

A few minutes passed and the window to the bathroom began to form condensation as the hot steam from the shower filled the room. When the light in her bedroom turned on, I was too eager and jetted forward, climbing the side of her house and hovering next to her window. Alice appeared silently beside me.

"Smooth." She said, sarcastically.

"Sorry, I just.."

The window opened. We both jumped and landed silently on the roof above the window. Bella stuck her head out.

"_Did she hear us?" _Alice thought in a panic. I shook my head. There's no way Bella's human ears would have heard our soft voices though the window.

Bella looked left and right and then stared intently into the dark trees.

"Please." she whispered, her voice broken as if she was crying.

Please what? Why? Why was she, the only person who's thoughts I really cared about, the only exception to my ability? Her head disappeared back into the room again and the window closed. My hands griped too tightly on the side of the roof and some shingling crumbled to the ground below. When the light stopped shining through the window, Alice and I stepped down and looked through the glass.

She was in the bed, the blankets pulled over her head. I wished they weren't. I longed to see her face, the one thing I hadn't gotten since I'd come to Forks. We stared for over an hour, ducking out of the way of the window every time the blankets shifted, but her face never emerged from their cover.

Finally, when she fell asleep, her restlessness pulled the blankets down and she kicked them to the end of the bed. I could see her face now. Her lips slightly parted as she breathed deeply in and out, her slightly damp hair spread over her pillow. She was asleep, dreaming, beautiful.

Alice reached down for the window.

"What are you doing?" I hissed.

But she was already through. I followed her through and Bella's sweet scent filled my head again, it was stronger here than just the scent from the shirt, but I felt no burn in my throat, just the sweet bliss that clouded my head. Alice knelt by the side of the bed.

"Bella." She said too, softly to disturb her. "Bella, I hope you're not hurting, I know this is rough, but you're strong. So much stronger than we are." She paused for a long time, thinking about the past week.

"We're hurting, Bella." There was pain in Alice's voice now. "I miss you. I miss you SO much. You're the best friend I've ever had, and I never told you that. I regret that everyday. I wanted you to be my sister so badly. And now... Now you can't even be my friend. I really hope you are happy. I want so much for you to be happy. I love you, Bella, and I always will...forever." She knelt over her and lightly kissed her wet hair. Bella didn't even twitch.

I turned away. This is the first time I'd really seen what I'd done to Alice. I heard her stand and looked back to her.

"I'll meet you at the house." Alice said, her voice still echoing her pain, and she disappeared.

I walked to the edge of Bella's bed. Her eyes were red as though she'd been crying, and there were deep purple circles around her eyes. This worried me, had she not been sleeping? She tossed to the other side of the bed and I walked to see her face again.

"I love you." I said. I didn't need to lower my voice. The words sounded as though they had come from a ghost. "I'll always be watching out for you. And I'll always be keeping you safe. I love you. Alice said you knew that, and I hope she's right. I need you to know that. I'm so selfish, Bella. Alice wants you to be happy and I do too, but I want that happiness to be because of me. I'm sorry for everything, I'm so sorry. Just please, please know that I love you."

It was everything I wanted to say the first time I left. I looked down at my beautiful angel, then the weight became unbearable. I crumpled slightly, knowing that if I didn't leave now, I never would. I turned to to the window but stopped. Her blankets were resting on the floor at the bottom of the bed and the night air coming from her window made her shiver. I picked them up and draped them over her. She snuggled deeper into her pillow and let out a quiet snore. It cut through me and almost made it impossible to make it to the window. I climbed out and stared at her as I closed the window. Too distracted by her beauty, and desperate to once again cling to the scent of the room, I dropped the window and it landed with a thud.

I quickly jumped out of her sight and listened.

She gasped at the sound and I saw, in my mind, her head bolting off the pillow, looking wildly around to see what had cause the noise. Would she be scared?

"Edward?" She whispered.

Joy surged through me but was quickly replaced by a pain worse than what I'd felt in the room.

"Edward?" She said again. There was unmistakable longing in her voice as if she needed to be right.

The last thing I heard as climbed down from the roof was Bella, breaking into uncontrollable sobs.

I WAS a monster.

_**A Few Notes**_

_*****Edward is NOT dreaming. I realized reading over it, I made it sound like he was asleep and obviously, Vampires don't sleep. It's supposed to be more like daydreams but more "powerful" I guess is a poorly accurate world. Think of it as him escaping reality and going into a world of pretend. **_

_*****The wolf is Sam : ) (In his early days, when he was alone)  
**_

_*****I had to make Alice hunt for the wolf alone because Edward would recognize the werewolf scent. **_

_*****I just HAD to give Alice a goodbye!  
**_

_*****Please keep your comments coming. They're really helping me, giving me ideas and helping me think of ways to edit things that have already been written. Thank you for reading. I'm having so much fun I'm thinking about continuing on to Eclipse after this one. There are some things that I thought might confuse people in this chapter that I think I missed so if you have any questions go ahead and ask and I'll try to clear it up for you. Edward's life is about to get a LOT worse! Ha ha, I feel so vindictively evil! Enjoy!  
**_


	7. Chapter 6 Drowning

Chapter 6

_It's hilarious to watch Bella navigate her way out of a car. She opened her door and stepped onto the black pavement of the Forks High parking lot. Her right arm clutched to the door and her left stretched out for balance as she checked her footing on the wet blacktop. _

_Finally, deciding she probably wasn't going to fall, she turned and closed her door, but as the metal clicked together, the golden key that belonged to the ancient rusty Chevy fell into a puddle at her feet. She reached over to pick it up, but I got to it first, snatching it from under her fingers and leaning against her truck, amused. Her heart rate quickened simultaneously with a gasp. I had surprised her her._

_"How do you do that?" She asked. Her tone was not friendly. _

_I handed the key to her and tried to hide my smile at her angry tone. "Do what?" I asked innocently. _

_She took the key. "Appear out of thin air." _

_"Bella, it's not my fault you are exceptionally unobservant." It was a joke, but it worried me at the time how OBservant she really was. _

_She glared. "Why the traffic jam last night? I thought you were supposed to be pretending I don't exist, not irritating me to death." Her eyes were on the pavement now, her heart rate accelerating with anger. _

_"That was for Tyler's sake, not mine. I had to give him his chance." I laughed as the image of her angry, embarrassed face came to my mind again. _

_"You..!" She was to angry to finish her sentence. Her face was turning such a glorious color of pink. At the time it burned my throat and made me extremely uncomfortable. Now, I longed for that burn. _

_"And I'm not pretending you don't exist." I said, commenting on her previous statement. _

_"So you are trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler's van didn't do the job." _

_That made me angry. "Bella, you are utterly absurd." I said, too sharply. _

_Her face turned a deeper color of pink, almost red and she turned away from me, beginning to walk towards the cover of the school, it had begun to rain again. _

_"Wait." I pleaded. I didn't want her to leave, I didn't want her to be angry. She kept walking away so I followed her. "I'm sorry, that was rude. I'm not saying it isn't true... But it was rude to say it anyway."_

_"Why wont you leave me alone?" She asked, frustrated. _

_Rosalie was asking herself that same question. I had asked myself the same question. The truth was, try as I might, I couldn't leave her alone, and believe me, I'd tried. Would it be inappropriate to tell her now that I loved her?_

_"I wanted to ask you something, but you side tracked me."_

_Her eyes narrowed. "Do you have multiple personality disorder?"_

_"Your doing it again." I said smiling. _

_"Fine then. What do you want to ask me?"_

_"I was wondering if, a week from Saturday... You know the day of the spring dance-"_

_She cut me off. "Are you trying to be funny?" _

_Yes. But instead I said, "Will you let me finish?" She bit her lip and crossed her arms. _

_"I heard you were going to Seattle that day, and I was wondering if you wanted a ride?"_

_Whatever snappy response she had ready, clearly didn't apply to this. She was briefly taken aback. "What?" She asked, dazed. Her eyes were blank. _

_"Do you want a ride to Seattle?" I asked again._

_"With who?" Really, Bella? Really?_

_I rolled my eyes, "Myself, obviously."_

_"Why?"_

_Because I'm in love with you and all I can think about when I'm not around you is what your doing. Because I want you to pick me over Mike and Eric and Tyler and I want you to want to spend your free time with me. Because I want you to love me back. _

_"Well, I was planning to go to Seattle in the next few weeks, and to be honest, I don't think your truck can make it."  
She glared and her tone was sharp, she obviously was strangely affectionate towards the old, warn truck. "My truck works just fine, thank you very much for your concern."_

_She hadn't technically refused. "But can your truck make it there on one tank of gas?"_

_"I don't see how that's any of your business." _

_"The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business." I teased. _

_"Honestly, Edward, I can't keep up with you. I thought you didn't want to be my friend?"_

_I don't want to be your friend, I want you to be mine. To look at me the same way Esme looks at Carlisle or Alice looks at Jasper. To ask me to take you to Seattle because you can't stand to be away from me for the drive. _

_"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be."_

_She rolled her eyes. "Oh, thanks, now that's all cleared up."_

_"It would be more... prudent for you not to be my friend. But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella." I had said to much. I waited for the disgusted look in her eyes, but it didn't come. "Will you come to Seattle with me?" _

_She nodded. She said yes. She said yes... to me. I wanted to yell with joy, but I settled for a smile. "I'll see you in class."_

"Attention all passengers, we are now beginning our descent into Manchester. Please return to your seats and keep your seat belts fastened. At this time, we ask that you return all trays to the upright and locked position. Thank-you for flying United and please have a wonderful stay."

I opened my eyes and sat up straight. Bella's shirt, which I had been using as a pillow fell onto the arm rest. Alice was flipping thorough a magazine. I folded the shirt on my lap and tucked it into the sweatshirt I had bought at the Sea-Tac gift shop. Alice, who had ditched her sweatshirt the moment we got back to the airport the next morning looked down at mine in disgust. Sweatshirts were not appropriate attire in her eyes, ever. I didn't care, there was no point to fashion in my world. All that existed was the pain and darkness of the conscious and the peace and tranquility of the dreams.

"Where exactly are we going?" I asked. I had realized I never heard where this new house was.

"It's a small town about 40 minutes outside of Hanover, where Dartmouth is. A place called Charlestown, just over 4,000 people."

When the plane landed we walked out of the terminal and found Jasper waiting for us. He walked to Alice and put his arms around her.

"How was she?" he asked.

"She was asleep when we saw her, but she didn't look good." Alice replied.

"What do you mean." I was surprised at the real concern in Jasper's eyes.

"Little things. Her eyes were dark, so she's not sleeping much. Her hair had dulled a little, so she's not getting enough b vitamins and judging by the way she's thinning around her face and hips, that's not all she's not getting enough of."

I hadn't noticed all of this. I'd seen the deep circles under her eyes but I'd been so happy to see her, I'd overlooked the things Alice hadn't. Looking back at my mental picture of the night before though, Alice was right. Bella did seem thinner, and more pale than normal.

"She's still healing. She'll be better before you know it." he said, wrapping an arm around her and leading her towards the automatic doors.

When we walked out under the protective cover of clouds towards a brand new black Cadillac CTS-V, Jasper smiled.

"Carlisle was quick to find what he wanted." he said.

We got in the car and the smell of fresh leather surrounded me. It was a smell that used to excite me. I loved a new car, ready to have it's limits tested on a dark open highway. I remember reading in a magazine that the Cadillac CTS-V had been the fastest car of 2005. 195 MPH top speed and 0-60 in 3.7 seconds. Normally, I would have ached to trade places with Jasper and test the speed. Normally, I would have been over joyed at the almost silent engine, radiating power underneath us. Normally, I would have breathed in the scent of the new leather, relishing in the newness of it. As it was, I shoved Bella's shirt in my face.

We arrived at the new house, which was six miles out of town, nestled deep in the trees next to the Connecticut River, which separated New Hampshire from Vermont. The house left something to be desired.

Paint peeled from the wooden siding and there was only one outdoor shutter left on the windows and it hung from one hinge. Several windows showed glass that was broken or veined while others had no glass in them at all. The roof was missing most of it's shingling and there were several holes that needed to be repaired and the chimney, which was supposed to stand from the bottom floor, reaching past the third story, was detached from the house and leaning to the left.

I walked through the hole where the front door was supposed to be and found that the inside complimented the desolate outside. The carpet had been shrewdly torn up, leaving warped, water damaged wood in it's place. The walls were missing dry wall in several places and the spots that were covered showed severe water damage. Apparently, there had been a flood.

The entire house was in need of complete renovation, and Esme buzzed around excitedly taking measurements. When she saw Alice and I walk through the door, she smiled at us.

"Just the two I wanted to see."

Alice looked around the house smiling too, the two of them loved a project.

"When Carlisle and Emmett get back, the two of you can drive down and pick up some things from the hardware store so we can start." She said. Alice's eyes sparkled, I hung my head. I wanted to retreat to my room, curl up and re-enter my fantasy world.

"Have rooms been claimed?" Alice asked, enthusiastic.

"Carlisle's and mine is down the hall and Emmett and Rosalie are upstairs at the end of the hall. There are three left, but Jasper wanted you to pick yours."

Alice smiled and dashed up the stairs. I followed with infinitely less enthusiasm. Alice stopped at the third door on the second floor and squealed. I continued up the stairs. I always picked the third floor. Even before I knew the heartbreak that plagued me now, I hated being around a family of perfectly matched couples. Now, knowing that I had had what they had, maybe more, and lost it, the thought of witnessing their love was almost unbearable.

The room was not large, though it wasn't lacking in space. It was a perfect square with a vaulted ceiling, and a single, square window on the front wall. It reminded me of the inside of a small barn, but Esme would have it updated in no time. I heard an engine pull up and descended the stairs. Emmett walked in when I got to the ground floor.

"Edward!" He said, "Come on, we've got a surprise for you."

I followed him and my family out to the long drive way and found a shimmering blue sports car, a Jaguar XKR.

"What do you think?" He asked, smiling.

I looked at the beautiful vehicle. The lines were perfect, it was built for speed. Jasper opened the door and the smell of leather hit me again, I longed for Bella's shirt, but it sat on the rail in my room. I climbed inside, the seat was molded perfectly to my body. I should have been over joyed, this car was perfect, fast and sleek. But I found myself disappointed, I wanted my Volvo.

"It's amazing!" I said, faking awe.

I couldn't tell if he bought it or not but either way he reached down and touched my arm. "It's all yours."

Emmett and I climbed into his new truck while Esme and Rosalie began peeling paint from the outer walls of the house. Jasper and Alice took Carlisle's new Cadillac to pick up a U haul, so they could help us bring back supplies. An hour later we were loading tools and paint into the bed of the truck, while Alice and Jasper lifted lumber, drywall mix, sheet rock, shingles and insulation into the U haul.

By the time we got home, Rosalie and Esme had the house stripped. We unloaded the supplies and got to work, not taking a break throughout the whole day. When Carlisle got home from the hospital around eight o'clock, the entire outside of the house was finished. He began to help Esme construct walls on the interior while Emmett and Rosalie stapled carpet padding to the wood Jasper had replaced.

The next day, Carlisle left for work and Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper headed off to Hanover, where they would begin classes at Dartmouth. I followed Esme and Alice around store after store and dragged my feet as they picked out furniture, drapes, bedding, china patterns...

Though I helped carry furniture and paint walls and assemble beds, I was hardly good for helping. I couldn't carry a conversation and I was lifeless as I arranged and re-arranged furniture as Esme directed me.

The rundown house quickly morphed into a home. The once barn red paint had been replaced with a very light pastel yellow and the trim shone clean and white. The brown, broken shingles were now a deep gray and the once deep red, crumbling chimney had been reattached and re bricked in a lighter color. All shutters had been removed and the glass shown perfectly in the moonlight.

The inside, which was once a shell of warped, faded wood was now bright and modern. The living room looked spotlessly clean with bright white carpet and complimentary white walls. The furniture was black leather and black iron tables were square and angular.

Every room echoed Esme's sophisticated tastes. The contemporary kitchen was full of the most advanced appliances. Each room had been transformed to look like an expensive hotel suite, from the fine furnishings to the thick, soft bedding, even the lush carpet and flawless paint had been expertly blended into the décor. There was art work ordered from France and Italy and Spain set to arrive by the end of the week that would cover the walls and transform the once desolate space into a home that would be envied by the chicest members of New York society.

My room was too grandiose. I'd picked a deep brown for the color of the walls, the color of Bella's eyes. Though Esme had asked me to select a couch and desk in the furniture store, I'd picked a large bed, colored deep blue. It was the color that set of the tone of Bella's skin perfectly. My favorite color. Though my room was flawless and beautiful, it meant little to me. Though there were tall oak bookshelves filled with books and poetry and encyclopedias with which I could begin research on some new disease, I never moved one from the shelf.

I ignored everything about the new house. I never once flipped through the channels on the new flat screen TV. I rejected Jasper's attempts to play me with the ivory carved chess pieces from Africa. My fingers never brushed the keys of the beautiful grand piano Esme had placed in the sitting room. I remained locked away from my family, on the third floor of Esme's new masterpiece. I stayed there and let sorrow wash over me day after day, reliving every moment I'd ever spent with Bella in my fantasies.

When the house was finished, artwork in place, and Esme had moved on to landscaping, we all settled into our new routines. Carlisle left for the hospital each morning and Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper went off to school. Alice had decided to reinvent her wardrobe and was designing a new clothing line and I stayed out of everyone's way. I hardly ever left my room now and my family had given up on trying to convince me to after weeks passed.

The only time I had re-surfaced was when Alice had suggested Carlisle fly across country and bring Bella here himself.

"No!" I had shouted at her.

"Edward, something has to be done. It's obvious you're not happy. And we all know Bella isn't..." Alice said, defensively.

"How do we know she isn't happy? It's been two months! Maybe by now Bella has moved on. Maybe right now she seeing a movie, or shopping with Angela and Jessica. Maybe right now she's sitting on the porch watching the rain fall with Tyler or Eric or... Mike."

"Bella hates the rain." Alice said. This statement was meant to discredit everything I had said.

"Then she's at the movies." I growled through my teeth.

"We don't know that," Alice whined. "Maybe we should go back to Forks and just...check."

"NO!" I exploded. "We are not apart of her life anymore. That visit we made at the end of September was inexcusable and I will never let it happen again. Forget all of your plans to involve yourself with her ever again. Forget all you hopes that one day I'll agree with you and we can run back to Forks and beg her forgiveness. Forget you've ever heard of Isabella Swan!"

Though my voice was strong, radiating with anger, each word was cutting me fresh again. I wanted to crumple to the ground and sob. Only my outrage kept me standing.

Alice's eyes fell. "I'm sorry." she said. "I wont bring it up again."

"Good." I spat at her and turned around.

_"You could at least let me watch her. I've lost her too, Edward. I miss her." _

I turned towards her again, and glared violently. Jasper moved closer to her, worried that my self control was being pushed too much.

_"You're so cruel. Maybe you don't deserve her after all." _Alice's thoughts whispered.

All of the anger left me and I stood up straight, staring at her in disbelief. She ran past me, not looking at my eyes and I heard the door slam. Jasper ran after her.

Carlisle was by my side in the next second, sensing something had happened in the silence and put his hand on my shoulder. "Edward." He said, soothingly.

I shook his hand off and walked numbly towards the stairs, my face was blank.

"Edward?" Esme called. Her voice was worried, almost shrill.

I looked at her, but no emotion registered on my face. Her breath became sharp as I turned back and continued up the stairs. I was slow, my mind empty. I wasn't registering any thoughts from the floor below. My hearing had been cut off, it was as if I was submerged under water. I opened my bedroom door and closed it, softly behind me.

When I reached the bed, I slowly crawled into what was normally my sanctuary. I reached through the dark and my hands wrapped around Bella's shirt. But when I placed the fragrant fabric over my face, it did nothing. I was alone in the darkness of my pain.

I did not have any dreams of Bella that night. My mind thought of nothing. The wretched mist spawned from my agony became almost tangible as it swirled around me, suffocating me. I was unable to move. Unable to free myself from the extreme pressure of my misery. This is what it felt like to drown.

I saw the sun rise the next morning, it's dull gray light stretching across the blue of my comforter. It provoked no emotion in me. I had been waiting for the sun through the long hours of the night, trying to struggle through the crushing pain, but unable to move. I had hoped that a change, any change, could bring me out of this misery and now that change had come and I sat as helpless as ever, unable to writhe against the agony that filled every pore of my cold skin. I wished for death.

I fought, again, to escape into the recesses of my mind. To find some memory of Bella. Those sweet memories that chased away the gripping pain of reality. I needed her now more than ever but I couldn't conjure any vision of her. What did her face look like? I couldn't remember how her eyes were set against her pale skin. I couldn't recall the way her hair tumbled down against the side of her cheek. I couldn't picture the curves of her lips or the set of her brow. I had lost all recollection of her scent.

I wanted to breathe. Her shirt was draped across my face and if only I could breathe, I would smell her and instantly her memory would wash over me, relieving me of the pain as I once again was able to recall every detail about her. This was ridiculous. I knew Bella by heart. I knew the way her chest fell and rose again with every breath she took. I knew the distinct sound of her footsteps. I could pick out her heart beat if she were lost in an ocean of people, who's heartbeats would sound callous and unappealing to my sensitive ears.

Maybe my family would all go out to hunt and a the fire, left untended in the fireplace, would catch a stray piece of cloth from the rug and set the house on fire, burning sweet relief into my skin. Maybe the people of the town would discover our secret and torch our home, or lightning would strike or a nuclear bomb would explode... My mind searched impossible scenario after impossible scenario counting the ways that death could come and end my pain. I'd take an eternity of the scorching fires of hell to this pain. This was hell.

My mind continued to search for Bella. Desperately searching to find her face in the fog. It was like looking at a Picasso. The features of her beautiful face were jumbled, misplaced. They didn't make any sense. I couldn't understand this. How could I have lost her when I'd spent every waking moment since I'd left her picturing her face? I'd never known her as a human so I'd never seen her through the haze of human eyes. She should have been cemented permanently into my perfect vampire memories, every detail should have been flawless. But searching for a picture of her was like reaching for smoke, it slipped through my fingers every time I got close.

Suddenly, a new pain washed over me, paralyzing me further. Was it pain? I wasn't sure. Without my memories of Bella, everything seemed to hurt. I searched and searched to identify the emotion that had restricted my movement even more than it had been. That had constricted my lungs inside my chest and blocked off my throat. It was suffocating me further and I realized, it was fear.

I was terrified. Terrified I'd lost Bella. Terrified, I'd never find her again.

Suddenly a memory washed over me, provoked by the fear. I welcomed it, waiting for the glorious relief of the numbness that would replace the pain. It didn't come. I laid there, paralyzed, watching a nightmare unfold.

_It was dark in the room. When I opened the door, the smell of blood hit me and hard. My throat burned. It didn't take me long to find her. I scanned the room, but it wasn't my eyes that lead me to her. My instincts tracked the scent of her blood to it's focal point. _

_She lie there, bleeding, and James knelt over her. I heard skin being torn. He was hurting her. _

_"Bella!" I ran at them, forcing all the speed possible out of me, anger filling me like it never had before. I hit him hard with my body and he flew across the room. I turned to attack again but a small, pitiful noise from the dying creature below me, kept me where I was. I looked up and saw Emmett and Jasper pouncing on James. The last I saw of him was the fury burning behind his eyes as he sat and watched Bella, writhing in pain, but still breathing. _

_How I wanted to be the one to tear him apart. The pleasure of ripping his arms, his legs, his head from his body. I wanted it to be mine. A growl escaped me and I almost launched myself at him, but another sound kept me frozen. _

_Her heartbeat changed. It was slower, weaker. It was dying. I leaned down to her side. _

_"Bella!" I called. "Bella. Oh no, Bella, no!"_

_Her breathing was so harsh. "Bella, please. Bella, listen to me. Please, please, Bella, please!" I begged over and over, repeating her name as if it would keep her with me. _

_Her muscles twitched in an odd way and her heart stuttered even more irregularly._

_The door crashed open again and I didn't need to turn to see who had entered.  
"Carlisle!" I yelled. "Bella. Bella. No. Oh please, no. No!" _

_My world was crashing. Blood was spilling out of her, weakening her already dying heart. She couldn't breath and sweat poured from her brow. She was in pain. I was in pain. Why wasn't Carlisle here already? Why wasn't he fixing her? I began to cry, tearless sobs. _

_A half a second passed and Carlisle was next to me. He reached for her head and examined it. It was the point from which the most blood had spilled, cut by the broken glass of the mirror she'd been thrown into. _

_When Carlisle applied pressure to the wound she screamed. _

_"Bella!" I cried. _

_"She's lost some blood but the head wound isn't deep." Carlisle said, too calmly. He looked down as I moved to hover over her. "Watch out for her leg, it's broken." _

_I yelled in rage and once again the burning desire to run and destroy the beast that had harmed her over took me. I looked, wanting to see him suffer as Emmett and Jasper destroyed him. I wanted to see the life leave his eyes. But he was finished already. Jasper was throwing a leg into the blazing fire Alice had built from the floorboards. I felt a surge of anger towards my brothers who had ended his life to quickly. They had minimalized his suffering and I wanted him to feel pain. I wanted to force all the pain Bella was in on him and magnify it until he begged for death. _

_Bella yelled again as Carlisle examined her side. "Some ribs too, I think." He said, as calmly as before. _

_"Edward!" Bella gasped. _

_I leaned over her. Her voice was strained, the pain pulling it back into her. "Bella, you're going to be fine. Can you hear me, Bella? I love you."_

_Alice ran to us, James completely emerged in the fire now, and began to assist Carlisle. _

_"Edward." She said again. Her voice was stronger now, but only marginally so._

_"Yes, I'm here." I said as soothingly as possible, brushing her face with my palm. _

_"It hurts." She cried._

_"I know, Bella. I know." It was killing me to watch her suffer. I turned to Carlisle in my anguish. "Can't you do anything?"_

_"My bag, please. Hold your breath Alice, it will help."_

_Something flickered in Bella's face. "Alice?" she groaned. _

_"She's here. She knew where to find you." I assured her. _

_She seemed unconcerned with Alice and rolled her head around as if searching for something. "My hand hurts." She whined._

_"I know, Bella. Carlisle will give you something to stop it." She shook her head again, unwilling to accept this, needing immediate relief._

_"My hand is burning!" She screamed. Tears leaked through her eyes as she lie there in agony. _

_I was scared. "Bella?"_

_"The fire. Someone put out the fire!" She screamed again. _

_I looked down at her hand. A perfect row of teeth were imprinted there in blood. _

_"Carlisle! Her hand!" I yelled. _

_"He bit her." He answered me in disgust, though not nearly with enough panic. _

_"Edward, you have to do it." Alice said, looking at me as she held Bella's head for Carlisle. He had injected morphine into her arm and was now stitching the wound on her head. A nearly impossible task as she was now thrashing against the burning pain of the vampire venom. _

_"No!" I yelled again. Alice's head suddenly filled with a vision of Bella. Cold and white. _

_"Alice." Bella's voice was weakening further. _

_"There may be a chance." Carlisle said, not looking up from his sewing. _

_"What?" I pleaded. _

_"See if you can suck the venom out. The wound is fairly clean." _

_"Will that work?" Alice asked. She had been forced to take a breath and smelled the blood. She was fighting an urge to sink her teeth into Bella's ivory skin. _

_"I don't know." Carlisle replied. "But we have to hurry." _

_I thought of putting my lips to her wound and tasting her sweet blood. "Carlisle, I.. I don't know if I can do that." _

_"It's your decision, Edward, either way. I can't help you. I have to get this bleeding stopped here if you're going to be taking blood from her hand."_

_"Edward!" She screamed, breaking into sobs. Her eyes opened and found mine, they were pleading. _

_"Alice, get me something to brace her leg." Carlisle commanded, continuing his work over my broken angel. "Edward, you must do it now or, it will be too late."_

_I hesitated for a moment but the look in her eyes left me no choice. I must end her pain, I couldn't allow my weakness to cause her more suffering. I set my jaw, tightened my hands around her wrist and then lowered my mouth to her wound. _

_The fire in my became uncontrollably intense, I barely registered her scream. The blood was delicious, the sweetest blood I'd ever tasted. My grip tightened slightly and I involuntarily sucked harder. She started to become limp but I couldn't break myself away from her. The monster in me was screaming triumphantly. _

_"Edward." she said, barely a whisper. It drew me away from my instincts. Brought back the almost human half of me._

_"He's right here, Bella." Alice soothed, as I broke away from her arm._

_"Stay, Edward. Stay with me." She pleaded, fading more and more. _

_"I will." I struggled to speak. _

_"Is it all out?" Carlisle asked._

_"Her blood tastes clean." I replied, keeping the thought of the taste as far away from the front of my thoughts as possible. "I can taste the morphine."_

_"Bella?" Carlisle leaned over her, speaking gently._

_"Mmmm?" She moaned, to weak to speak._

_"Is the fire gone?" He asked. _

_"Yes. Thank you, Edward." _

_I smiled. "I love you." _

_She breathed out. "I know."_

I broke out of the dream very quickly, like emerging from freezing water. The paralysis had disappeared though the echo of it's pain remained. I breathed in and out, quickly and shallowly. My chest hurt, my lungs compressed from the weight. My eyes darted wildly around the room. It was night time. I rolled over and saw Bella's shirt had fallen to the floor.

I picked it up and clutched it to me like a hurt child and his teddy bear. My chest started to convulse and deep sobs erupted from me. They didn't stop for days.

***Please review! Thank you!


	8. Chapter 7 Departure

Chapter 7

_"Edward Cullen is staring at you again." Jessica Stanley had said in the lunch room. "I wonder why he's sitting alone today?" Though Jessica's thoughts had become nearly unbearable for me to listen to over the past few weeks, mostly due to their constant resentment towards Bella, I was grateful that she had spoken. Bella turned and looked at me. Her face that had been sad, disappointed when she entered the room, now brightened. It made me smile. _

_I lifted my hand and motioned her to come over to me, to join me for lunch. She looked surprised almost uncertain. I winked and her mouth fell open in shock. _

_"Does he mean you?" Jessica asked, her voice dripping with jealousy. _

_"Maybe he needs help with his biology homework." Bella suggested. "Um, I'd better go see what he wants."_

_She said yes to me again. _

_I watched her stumble her way over to my table, nearly tripping though she walked across perfectly even linoleum. _

_Keep it honest an light._

_She stopped before she sat down and I inhaled deeply. Feel the burn. _

_"Why don't you sit with me today?" I asked._

_She sat down and I was overjoyed. Another yes._

I became the walking dead, never speaking, never interacting with anyone. I was a shell. I had begun to descend into the real world once a night. When the sun went down and I could hear Carlisle's Cadillac pulling up the drive I would stand and walk to my mirror. It would take me several minutes but I worked to smooth out the deep frown lines in my shocking white skin. I could never manage a look that suggested a pleasant mood or really any emotion at all, the blank stone stare was better than the crippling pain that echoed in every one of my features.

Carlisle was always the last to come home every night, working 15 hour shifts at the hospital five days a week. On his days off, I stayed in my room. When he came through the door, greeting his family, I would shuffle down the stairs. The room was always so bright. Every lamp shown casting interesting shadows along the walls, cheering the room. I covered my face. Light had begun to bother my eyes. Thick blackout curtains now covered my windows, shielding the room from sunlight. The pitch black some how made it easier to dream of Bella.

When I finally adjusted to the brightness of the room, I lowered my arms and they were suddenly filled with Esme. Every night became the same mundane routine, it was like having a job. I would join my family in the main room and Esme and Carlisle would hug me. Then Alice would come, though her hugs were not very warm. At least she tried to make an effort though. Emmett, who was always sitting on the couch against the back wall, the remote in his hand, would tear his eyes away from the television and glance at me with a brief, half hearted smile of welcome. Rosalie and Jasper completely ignored my presence, every night.

When I'd made my interaction with my family, I would move to the padded chair on the far side of the room and focus my eyes unseeingly at the television. I liked this chair. It was an island in the sea of furniture, far enough away from my family that I wouldn't be expected to interact, but close enough for them to feel I was apart of the evening.

I would stare at the flat, shapeless pictures on the television set while Carlisle told everyone about his patients at the hospital and my brothers and sisters would discuss their classes. Some days, Alice would pull out a few outfits she'd finished from her new clothes line and Esme would tell Carlisle of the baked goods she made and packed for his co-workers at the hospital.

It seemed as though my family had done it again. Seamlessly fit themselves into a new community, gone on with life. I wondered how I fit into their story. Did they tell people I was their very sick child plagued by some disease that kept me locked in my room for months at a time? Or did they simply not speak of me to those in the town? Did the people of Charlestown, New Hampshire even know I existed? I didn't care.

I used to sit and try to imagine what Bella was doing at that exact moment during these times. I'd given up on trying to listen to my family's tales of their ordinary lives the second night I decided to join them. But I always found that thinking of her life without me was incredibly painful. It always ended in the same scenario. Bella, perfectly content, maybe in love with Mike or Eric or any other faceless human. It increased the pain.

After a couple weeks of the same routine, I'd thought of giving up on coming downstairs altogether but Carlisle had come to bring me into the bright room when I'd not come of my own volition. It seemed that even though I wasn't really there, my physical presence was enough to sooth Esme's pain. When I was there, she could at least pretend, fool herself into believing that I was a part of the family still.

So there I sat, night after night, my eyes unmoving from the pictures of the Television, my ears hearing no coherent sound. My mind sensing no thoughts in the room. I felt like a ghost, haunting my family.

I almost noticed the Halloween decorations that had been artfully strewn through the house at the end of October. My eyes detected a slight difference when stuffed turkeys and large squashes adorned the tables and shelves at Thanksgiving time. My mind could almost register the twinkling lights and smell of holly that filled every room throughout December. I didn't really care though. We didn't celebrate holidays. It was part of the charade. What was there to celebrate in this dark world anyway? I knew nothing but pain.

Finally, one especially cold and snowy night in January, Alice brought me out of my stupor.

"What do you think, Edward?"

My name caught my attention. No one had directly addressed me in months.

"What?" It was the first word I'd said since I'd fought with Alice back in October.

"Would you like to go to Denali for a while? It'd do you some good to get out of this house."

"I...I don't... Denali is very close to Forks." I said finally. Her face faltered but went on undeterred.

"Somewhere else then. We could go down to Rio de Janeiro, Carnival is on the 28th of next month. Or we could go to New Orleans, Mardi Gras is on the 16th." Her thoughts shifted towards the seven of us walking down a crowded street filled with scantily clad people, committing their sins before lent. We could walk in the sunlight during these festivals, almost every one sparkled in the sunlight during Carnival. Glitter was the most common accessory.

"I don't think so, Alice." I said, turning my gaze back to the television. I hoped this would end the conversation.

It didn't.

"Edward, you have to do something. You're wasting away. All you do is spend your time locked in a dark room. I know you're hurt but this is ridiculous! If you don't get out soon, your skin will start to match Aro's!" she screeched.

I flinched as I pictured the paper thin, translucent skin that covered the three brother's of the Volturi.

Esme walked and knelt by my chair. Her hand came up to my face, brushing the hair from my eyes. "I've never seen your eyes so black. You haven't been hunting for months."

"Maybe you can go on a hunting trip with Emmett." Carlisle suggested hopefully.

Emmett turned, excited. "Yes!" he said. "We'll go mountain lion hunting." His voice was hopeful, coaxing.

I began to shake my head but Esme caught my face between her hand. "It'll be good for you, and you need the blood." She said.

I looked at Emmett's hopeful eyes and nodded. He jumped up and punched his fist in the air.

_"I still say we should go to Rio." _Alice pouted, sitting on the couch with her arms folded. Her face was like a child who didn't get her way. A face Bella used to make when I made her do something she didn't want to. I looked away.

"So where do you want to go?" Emmett asked excitedly. "Northern California? Colorado? Idaho! I guess we could go to Washington and scour Mt. Hood like the old days. We would even be able to stay at our old house when the weather was too bad for the lions to be out hunting!"

"No." I said, harshly. "We are not going anywhere near Forks."

"Okay, okay! We'll find somewhere else. Touchy."

I left the room and headed back up to my sanctuary. Just entering the cool dark room made the pain dull a little. I crawled on top of the crisp sheets and reached for Bella's shirt. The scent was beginning to leave the fabric and I wanted to have it with me as much as possible now. I didn't want to miss a minute.

No visions came that night. I just pictured her face, remembered they way she looked when she laughed. The way she looked when her eyes meant mine. It was very intimate that night, almost as if she was next to me. I was recalling the way her skin felt against my arm when something actually did reach out and touch me, something hard.

"Edward, let's go." Emmett said, shaking me from my stupor.

"What? No!" I said. Bella's face began to disappear.

"Come on!" He whispered, and pulled me from the bed.

"Emmett, let go of me!" He had robbed me of my moment with Bella.

"You said you wanted to go, now lets go."

I exhaled sharply, neatly folded Bella's shirt on the bed and followed Emmett from my room. We walked into the kitchen where Carlisle was leaning over the breakfast bar talking to Esme, who was absentmindedly cleaning the already spotless counter top. They looked at us when we entered the room.

"All set boys?" Carlisle asked. He was thrilled that I was leaving the house. It almost hurt me to see the amount of joy on his face. I'd known how much it hurt Esme to see me grieve, I hadn't imagined what it had done to Carlisle. I tried to put on a brave face.

"Yes. Looks like you're going to have to tell the neighbors about me after all." I said, attempting a joke.

"Oh they know about you." Emmett said, smiling. They just think you're the insane brother that Carlisle keeps locked away and does experiments on.

"Well, at least they're only half wrong." Alice said, entering the kitchen. "Carlisle hasn't started experimenting yet."

My family laughed and I tried to smile with them but couldn't. Emmett tussled my hair.

"Oh relax, Edward. It was just a joke." He said, playfully.

"I know." I replied. "It was funny Alice." I looked at her, but I could see the pain in my face perfectly reflected in her eyes. There was an almost uncomfortable silence.

"Well, We'd better head out if we want to catch a plane." Emmett said, clapping his hands together and walking towards the door.

I looked at the clock. It was five in the morning.

"Plane?" I asked.

"Yeah. You weren't expecting to run all the way across the country were you?"

"I thought we hadn't decided where we were going." I said, narrowing my eyes. He wasn't going to trick me into a flight to Seattle. I didn't care if the tickets had already been booked.

"We'll figure it out when we get there." He said. This did nothing to alleviate my suspicion. I followed Emmett towards the front door and my family walked after me. Rosalie came down the stairs.

She ran to Emmett and wrapped her arms around him, kissing him deeply on his lips. He held her closely, softly, affectionately and kissed her back. There was passion. There was love. I turned away from them and Esme hugged me.

_"Don't resent them. You'll love again."_ she thought.

I snorted. She ignored my reaction and spoke aloud.

"Good Luck." She said. "And watch out for those lions, they're tricky little creatures." She winked.

"Oh I'll be careful." I said, rolling my eyes. There was a lighter mood in the room, almost happy. It was a sense I had not had in almost four months, not since Bella. A fresh wave of pain ushered over me. I was not supposed to be happy without Bella, she was the only happiness I ever knew. I didn't want happiness without her.

When Rosalie disconnected her face from Emmett's, she turned to me.

"Have fun, Edward. See you when you get back." I looked at her confused, and scanned her thoughts for the coming punch line. They were innocent, she really meant what she said. I wondered if I should be angry. Was she being civil towards me because of Bella's absence again.

"_You might find this hard to believe, Edward. But it does affect all of us when you mope around all the time. We're all hoping this trip does you some good." _Alice's thoughts answered my internal question. It was strange how she could read me sometimes. Almost as though she could read _my_ mind.

She turned to Emmett. "Don't forget the... other thing."

"What thing?" I asked. When they didn't answer I went into their heads again.

_"Yeah right, Edward. Like you'd get it out of me that easily." _Alice thought.

Emmett echoed her sentiments. _"Awh, Edward's going to have to be surprised for once." _No one else in the room seemed to have any idea what they were talking about.

"It's okay." I said, blankly. "I'll find out sometime. Emmett's never been too good at controlling his thoughts." I grimaced as the thoughts that often wandered into his head passed in front of my mind. The mental pictures. I glared at Rosalie.

"Ha!" Emmett boomed. "Good luck. Even I don't know the whole plan yet." He put his fingers up to his temple and tapped it twice. "Secure as Bel.." He stopped. He was going to say Bella's mind, but the way my face started to crumple made him stop. He looked away for a minute and thought a curse word.

Carlisle patted me on the shoulder and gestured me forward and Emmett turned towards the door. We walked out into the night sky, it was winter now, cold and blistery and the days came later. The sun wouldn't rise for close to an hour and a half. It was perfect for running.

We wound our way south, keeping a safe distance from the highway and arrived at the airport a few minutes later. I stood behind Emmett on the escalator as we went to pick a destination and a flight. We looked at the departure board, hoping to see something leaving soon that also looked promising.

"How about Redding?" he suggested. "We could fly into San Fransisco."

"Too sunny." I said. "We'd better play it safe." We stared at the board, finding nothing too promising. A half an hour passed and we hadn't moved. New departures appeared at the bottom of the board. We ended up deciding on flying to Portland and making our way east into the mountains along the coast of Oregon.

Emmett moved to the counter to purchase the ticket and the small woman behind the counter recoiled a little at Emmett's intimidating experience. He was never the one chosen when we found ourselves in need to interact with humans.

I stepped in front of him and smiled. The womans face relaxed a little.

_"Mmm, much better."_ She smiled. "How may I help you, sir?"

"I'd like two round trip boarding passes for the flight to Portland, please. We'd like to return on Saturday." I said.

"You're in luck, we have a few seats left on that flight."

She turned to her computer and began typing quickly. She frowned.

_"I guess we don't have anything left..." _"Can I seat you in coach or first class?" She asked.

"Coa.." I began. But Emmett coughed behind me. "First class, please."

_"Gorgeous and rich. Maybe if I just bump two people off of this flight and double their miles..."_ she began typing again and looked back at me. "We have exactly two first class seats available, looks like you just made it."

I smiled at her and handed her my credit card. She took it, glancing at the name and typed the information in.

"Any special reason for this trip?' She asked, trying to sound as though she was just making conversation. "Business? Pleasure? visiting a girlfriend...?"

"Spur of the moment bachelor party." I lied.

_"Damn. I tell you, all the good ones..."_

"Here you are Mr. Cullen. Enjoy your flight." She said. The pleasantness of her voice faltered a little as she handed me the boarding passes and my credit card. Emmett was laughing as we walked away.

"Bachelor party?" He mocked. "Edward, if you're ever planning a bachelor party, please let me take you some place more appropriate than _Portland!_"

"Don't worry. There are no marriage plans in my future." I wondered if Bella would try to invite me to her wedding. That'd be a mistake, I'd probably kill the groom and kidnap the bride. Hopefully she forgot all about me by then.

We made it through security in 10 minutes and had two hours to kill on the other side. We waited at the gate. The flight seemed fairly long. Emmett had purchased headphones and was watching the in flight movie, though he didn't look mildly interested. I longed for Bella's shirt, uncertain why I hadn't taken it. A good dream was exactly what I needed to make the flight pass more quickly. I stared out the window and tried to find her face in the clouds.

When the plane landed, it was raining. We stepped out into the storm and began to walk down the street, away from the line of taxi's that waited for travelers who wanted to avoid the rain. Once we had made it out of the view of the general public, we made a stream line for the forest. I'd missed the northwest. There was something about the deep green of the trees and the rain that were welcoming. Like coming home. It only took me a second to realize that these things only appealed to me because they reminded me of Bella. This whole environment wreaked of her.

Before long, we found ourselves climbing though slippery, rocky terrain. We stopped at the top of a peak and turned ourselves over to our senses. The wind howled in my ears and the smell of rain was surrounding me. I turned my head, inhaling the air deeply, searching for the scent of the delicious beast. It was only now, completely surrendered to the monster, that I felt the burning of my scotched throat. Had it really been months since I'd tasted blood? I'd never been so thirsty. I yearned for the warm, salty liquid. I hoped no humans had decided to take a hiking trip today. The monster was uncontrollable. Fortunately, I knew the rain would keep these mountains empty. Empty of everything but that delicious cat.

Emmett caught a scent first and took off to the North, shooting a devious look at me. I smelled after him and my throat burned again...wolf. I inhaled deeply again, desperate for some scent. Then it came, the most delicious smelling animal. It was a mountain lion and it wasn't far. My mouth filled with venom as I leaped from the rock and darted to the South, allowing my instincts to guide me.

I saw the creature perched on a tree branch, hunting as I was. He was large and beautiful, strong. He was mouth watering. I crept into a low position, planning my attack. If I jumped now, it would confuse him and he'd turn on me, his hunting forgotten, his survival instincts taking over. We would fight, but it would be brief. I didn't want that. The anger, the pain that had been built inside of me wanted a fight, a real fight. He should be hunting me too.

I stepped noisily out of the bush that concealed me from him and his head turned. He sat on his branch for just a moment, considering me. I bared my teeth and growled. This made him rise and leap gracefully to the ground. He sunk low to the ground, stalking me quickly, his teeth showing white through the constant rain. I smiled.

When he leaped at me, I moved quickly to the side, avoiding him easily. He turned and roared a little, coming back on the offensive. This time, I let him get close enough to me that I could reach him. I batted away his strike and threw him down the hillside, but the agile beast caught himself and began climbing again.. This went on for sometime, my feinting and small, harmless attacks. He was getting worked up and frustrated. The next time he leaped, I allowed him to hit me. We fell to the ground. His iron jaw clasped around my neck and I pushed his soft belly enough to send him flying over my head. He rounded on me and attacked again, scraping his long claws across my chest. His frustrated scream echoed through the canyon below.

I was getting restless. The monster begged for the blood, it couldn't wait anymore. I reached out for the animal and grabbed his head, pulling him close to my body. His teeth tried to sink into my side but couldn't penetrate my hard skin, I smiled, wickedly and pushed my own teeth through his soft fur and began to drink. The animal was alive, struggling as I drained him. I relished in his feeble attempts to escape my iron hold. His struggles became weaker and his small cry gurgled off with the blood rushing from his open jugular. When he was completely drained I threw his lifeless body to the ground, pushing it away from me.

I looked down at myself. The clean way I had always managed to kill and feed on my pray was always a point of pride for me. Now my shirt hung in tatters, stained with the cat's blood. I walked back up the hill, preparing myself for Emmett's jokes. But he wasn't there. Figuring he must have caught some other scent, I turned to follow his lead. Though I found two other cats that day, I did not fight them as I had the first. Their deaths were quick and painless as I broke their necks before they'd even registered my presence. By nightfall, I still hadn't found Emmett.  
I was full, almost uncomfortable, and the monster in me had subsided. I began to worry for my older brother. I knew no creature that roamed the woods on this mountain would be any threat to Emmett, but it was strange that he had not returned. I sat on the rock where we had parted and waited. The rain finally stopped and the clouds parted to reveal a sky full of stars. I saw more then humans did. The night sky was full of billions of tiny pinpricks of lights. Pinpricks which soon faded away and were replaced by the cloudless day and the bright sunlight, which gave little heat in the early morning of January.

The sun was above me now, noon. I looked down at the white rock below me, now completely dry, and watched the points of light dance across the surface as they reflected off my skin. I looked deep into the trees, waiting to catch the same glimpses of light as they reflected off of Emmett, but I saw nothing. I waited, but he didn't come. I began to wonder if he'd gone to the airport to wait for me but that was impossible. Our plane didn't leave until tomorrow morning and we always met at our starting point after hunting trips. Always.

When the stars returned and the moon shone down on the mountain side almost as brightly as the sun had, I became frantic. I stood up and ran into the trees. Maybe he had been found by some strange nomads and.. It didn't seem likely. We knew the nomads in the northwest, Peter and Charlotte, and we were friendly with them. The only one I knew that we weren't on good terms with was...

I ran faster. My vision was blurred by my speed and I searched desperately for his scent, for Victoria's scent. I found nothing. I got to the Washington border and turned. If I went into my old home state I'd forget my mission and find myself opening Bella's window by morning. I made a wide arch and re traced my steps back to the rock. To both my surprise and irritation, when I arrived a few hours before dawn Emmett was there waiting for me.

I walked next to him and slugged him hard in the arm. "Where were you?" I demanded.

"Getting the thing." Emmett said, smiling. I was reminded of the conversation we'd had in the living room before we left but the memory was stopped short when I caught a new scent. The most tantalizing scent, more desirable than the first lion after months of thirst. It was Bella.

I turned and looked desperately around the clearing for her, listening for her heartbeat, but found nothing. I glared at Emmett who continued smiling.

"Okay okay, I don't necessarily agree with this but it was Alice's idea. She said it would cheer you up." He said holding up his hands. "Personally, I think you need to get over the whole thing and stop living in your dream world but... here."

He picked up and held out a shopping bag from a home furnishing store in Seattle, Bella's scent was coming from the bag. I took it suspiciously, reaching in and pulling out her pillowcase. Emmett's eyes waited for the joy to hit me. I looked at him in complete rage.

"I replaced it with a new one." he said quickly, defensively. "She won't know the difference, I swear. She was going to do laundry anyway..."

He had been in Forks. Worse, he had been in Bella's house. In her room. I threw the pillowcase to the ground.

"I said we were not to interfere with her life in any way ever again!" I yelled.

"No one saw me, Edward." he said. "Bella wont even know I was there!" My entire body was filled with rage, partly because Emmett had gone to visit Bella, mostly because I hadn't. I was jealous. More jealous than I'd been even before I'd learned of Bella's feelings for me. I threw all of my force into a hard kick aimed at Emmett's chest. He fell backwards.

"Edward." he said.

I was on top of him. Punching him over and over, dodging his attempts to get a hold of me as I saw his plans form a moment before he preformed them. Finally, he was able to get a hold of me and he threw me over him. I turned to attack again, but he was already on me, pinning me to the ground.

"Edward!" he yelled. "Get a hold of yourself."

I wrestled him off of me. "I don't care what your reason, I never want to hear of you going to Forks again, understand?" He nodded and I threw the plane tickets at his feet. "You can tell Alice the same thing." I turned to walk away.

"Edward? Where are you going?" Emmett said, starting after me. I turned to face him again.

"NO!" I yelled, completely furious.

"But, Edward..." He stopped and I turned back to the trees, stomping my way through the underbrush. I heard him pick up the tickets and the rush of the wind as he ran down the mountain. When I was safely hidden in the trees, I waited. Hours past. The day came and went and the night passed through, undisturbed. He wasn't coming back.

As dawn approached heavy clouds rolled in and I could smell rain in the air. I leaped from my branch and walked back into the clearing. The pillowcase lie on the ground, ruffling slightly in the breeze but not moving. Emmett had weighed it down with a rock. I picked it up and moved it to my face, breathing in the strong scent, letting it feel me. All tension in my body floated away in the breeze.

As the daylight came over the ridge, I was walking down the steep mountain side towards town. Thick purple clouds had formed overhead and were rumbling ominously. When I passed the first set of buildings that rested against the mountains edge, raindrops began to fall and I ducked into the nearest clothing store. I bought a new shirt and a jacket and walked out into the now pouring rain, the pillowcase tucked safely underneath the leather of my jacket.

I ran north, arching away from Washington, entering Idaho just south of Lewiston. I ran up the steep hill, not bothering to follow the path of the highway and was in Moscow after a few minutes, once again passing the University of Idaho. I grimaced away from it as I remembered the last time I was there, separating myself from Bella instead of spending every precious moment I had with her while I still could. I was so stupid.

I continued running north until I had passed into Canada, knowing my destination now. By the next day I found myself once again in Wasilla, Alaska. At the storage unit that held my Volvo. I paid the man at the front counter and he brought my silver car around the front. I almost smiled as I slid into the familiar seat. I'd missed my car. I took the pillowcase out of my jacket and placed it on the passengers seat, letting the aroma fill the Volvo. When I closed my eyes, I could picture Bella sitting next to me. It gave me comfort.

I pulled out of Wasilla, driving south with no real destination in mind. I just enjoyed the purr of my engine. I drove all day before my phone finally rang. I looked at the number.

"What is it, Alice?" I hissed into the phone.

"I'm sorry about the pillowcase." She said. "I thought it would make you feel better. I'd heard you moan about how the shirt had lost most of it's scent and I couldn't think of a better replacement than that. I was wrong. I'm sorry."

"I accept your apology, but don't let it happen again." I said, coldly.

"Will you come home?" Her voice was quiet, hopeless.

"No." I said.

In truth, I hadn't only decided not to come back because of the anger I felt towards Alice and Emmett. I knew the way I walked around the house, as if everything inside of me were dead, was hurting my family. It would hurt them to have me away, but not as much as it did to see the pain on my face everyday.

"I'm going to miss you." Alice said.

"I'll miss you too." I admitted.

"Call us sometimes, check in. If I don't hear from you often, I'm coming to look for you."

"I will."

"Goodbye, Edward."

"Goodbye."

The phone clicked and an empty dial tone filled my ear.

***Please Review! Thanks


	9. Chapter 8 Haunting

***First I would like to say that I'm really proud of this chapter. It was very hard to write both in the sense of moving the story along and, once I knew how it was going to go, actually forming the words. This chapter was very emotional for me, the first time I cried and I really hope I was able to really reflect how well I could feel Edward's pain. In my opinion this is the best chapter yet and I hope you all like it.

Chapter 8

_We stared at each other across the empty table. _

_"This is different." She said. _

_"Well.." I began. I hesitated for a moment. We were obviously past the point where I could ignore her, separated her from me. But that didn't mean she should be comfortable around me. Just because we were friends didn't mean there was nothing to be afraid of. In fact, there was probably more. _

_"I decided as long as I'm going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly." So much for keeping it light. Had I said too much? Would she catch the implied meaning behind my words and run from the table terrified? She should, but I hoped she wouldn't. That was wrong. I couldn't allow myself to covet her, I couldn't lose control. I waited for her reaction. _

_"You know I don't have any idea what you mean." She said after a long pause. _

_I smiled, relieved that she hadn't sprinted at my warning, relieved that she hadn't guessed the secret. _

_"I know." I said, simply. _

_The break in conversation allowed me to hear the thoughts being shouted at me from across the room.  
"Why is she sitting with Cullen? Shouldn't he be with his freak family, away from everyone else?" Mike thought at me. _

_"What's so special about her anyway?" Jessica. "I mean first Mike and now Edward Cullen! What next? Is Johnny Depp going to walk through the doors and ask her to have lunch with him too? No, that'd be better. I'd take Edward over Johnny any day. He's so.."_

_"I think your friends are angry at me for stealing you." I said, smiling. _

_"They'll survive." She said, not even turning her gaze to them. _

_"I may not give you back though." This was both a joke and a warning. When she swallowed hard, I laughed. "You look worried." I said. The tension growing in her face shouldn't be funny, it should be a relief. But if her finally feeling the fear towards me that she should was a good thing, why did it make my spirit sink?_

_"No." She said, lying terribly, "Surprised, actually. What brought this on?" _

_"I told you. I got tired of trying to stay away from you. So I'm giving up!" I said, repeating myself from that morning. It was hard to balance the emotions that were warring inside of me. I wanted to be honest but the truth could not be casual. My smile faltered slightly. _

_"Giving up?" She repeated as a question._

_"Yes- trying to be good." The battle between truth and casual conversation that warred in me ended. Truth won. "I'm just going to do what I want now and let the chips fall where they may." I hoped she took my selfishness as a warning. _

_She stared at me blankly. "You lost me again." _

_The part of me that needed her to stay in her seat, close to me, rejoiced. "I always say too much when I'm talking to you, that's one of the problems." _

_"Don't worry. I don't understand any of it." _

_I was elated. Her misunderstanding my warnings meant that she would stay. My brain began searching for a reason for why that was a good thing. A reason besides my selfish love. It found nothing. _

_"I'm counting on that." _

_She looked confused one more time and then decided to change the subject. _

_"So, in plain English, are we friends now?"_

_I thought about it for a second, rolling the word over in my head. Friends. Something inside me shuttered. It confused me slightly, I thought being close to the girl was what I wanted. Then I realized the problem. I did want to be close to Bella, but "friends" wasn't close enough. _

_"Friends..." I said aloud. It tasted bitter._

_Her cheeks flushed and she broke her eyes away from my gaze. "Or not." _

_I wondered what the cause for embarrassment was. Did she think I was rejecting her?I wanted to laugh. She thought I was rejecting her when she was the one who had started with the disgusting word in the first place...friends. I shuttered again._

_"Well, we can try, I suppose. But I'm warning you now that I'm not a good friend for you."_

_Her heartbeat quickened as she pondered my meaning. I was nervous. I wanted her to heed my warnings, but how could I go on if she did?_

_"You say that a lot." She finally replied. _

_"Yes, because you're not listening to me." I said, the honesty winning out again. "I'm still waiting for you to believe it. If you're smart, you'll avoid me." Please don't be smart Bella. Wait, what was I saying? My mind was tearing me apart in it's indecision. There would be two sides to me now, the side that wanted Bella to run from the monster in me, and the side that desperately needed her to stay. _

_Her eyes narrowed. "I think you've made your opinion on the subject of my intellect clear, too." _

_I smiled. _

_"So... As long as I'm being- not smart, we'll try to be friends?" She said, cautiously. _

_"That sounds about right." I watched her eyebrows fold into wrinkled thought and the curiosity exploded in me. I was desperate for the window inside her head. "What are you thinking?" I blurted out. _

_She blushed, looking back into my eyes. "I'm trying to figure out what you are." _

_My breath stopped and it was hard to keep the smile on my face as panic raced through my body. _

_"Are you having any luck with that?" It was supposed to sound light, I doubted if it did. _

_"Not to much."_

_I laughed, relieved. "What are your theories?"_

_ She blushed a deeper red and my throat burned. _

My dreams were uninterrupted now. I could choose to think of Bella as long as I wanted to. I didn't have to spend evenings pretending I was alright. There is no need for masquerades and games of pretend when you're on your own.

I thought this would comfort me, knowing I wasn't hurting my family with my day to day sorrow, but it didn't. Though I had not seen it at the time, my family had been a comfort, however small, to me. And Jasper and Emmett were right, my dreams of Bella were not the proper way to deal with my grief. They did not erase the pain, they just made it bearable for a few hours. Now away from my family, my dreams became an addiction.

Weeks passed, sometimes quickly other times dragging. It was quickest when I spent my time with Bella but I couldn't always escape life now that I'd left my home.

I was almost arrested the first week. I'd parked my car in a rest area on the side of the highway in Utah and stayed for 9 days. Finally someone called the police, afraid that I had been a suicide. When they showed up and found me "alive", they told me loitering was punishable by jail time. So I left, though not because jail time was intimidating to me at all. The only real prison that could hold me was the one I was currently in. The prison of my own misery.

Now that I was a way from my families judgment, worries, I was rarely ever in the conscious world. The scent of Bella's pillowcase was strong and made it easy to drift into my day dreams. Almost too easily sometimes. I had been driving down a highway in Nevada when one hit me, I nearly killed the person in the car who had swerved off the highway in order to avoid my out of control Volvo. The blaring honking had woken me from my daze and I steered the car into the correct lane, sending apologizing glances into my rear view mirror.

My dreams had become nothing less than alternate realities. I'd never heard of vampires have such real dreams. Carlisle seemed just as concerned as I did.

"Edward, if you're losing reality so entirely with these dreams, perhaps you'd better stop them. You could kill someone."

I thought of life with out my time with Bella and the weight once again constricted against my lungs. These visions were the only good part of my life, everything else was unbearably painful.

"I'll control them, Carlisle." I lied. These dreams had morphed beyond my control. _They_ ruled _me_, not the other way around. And I didn't want to stop it.

"Good." he had said. "I have a patient waiting for me, I'll call you later tonight." He hung up the phone and I rested my head against the seat, waiting another vision to cross my mind. Nothing happened and I was disappointed. I lifted the pillowcase to my head and breathed in deeply. Nothing.

"Arrg!" I screamed at nothing and turned the key to my Volvo. I pulled off the shoulder of the highway and raced down the black pavement at 120 mph. When Carlisle called that night, I rejected his number.

I liked driving. It gave me something to focus on other than the pain. When I was unable to conjure my dreams of Bella, I tried to avoid highways. I wound my way through town, turning erratically down side streets and through large suburbs. The compulsive pattern of my driving occupied my mind, made it easier to ignore the pain.

I drove down through Northern California and arrived in San Fransisco on a cold rainy morning. I looked at over the bay, the water was gray, dark and rough. I thought back to the water in Puget Sound the day I had left Bella. So different from these stormy waters, it had been black and calm, almost like glass. The water, the trees, the snow covered mountain peaks, these would have been considered magnificent, beautiful to anyone's standards. But I could not look back on the day and see any beauty, every thing was covered in the haze of pain.

Bella's face flashed before my eyes again, though it was not the smiling, glowing face of my daydreams. It was the defeated but accepting face I'd seen in the trees of that September afternoon. The face that truly believed that I didn't want her. I picked up a rock and threw it into the water. It was hard to tell where it landed. It blended in with the torrential downpour a mile into the bay.

My clothes were wet and weighed down with the water. It didn't bother me but I knew I looked like a mess. Alice would have a fit if she could see me now and then I thought, she probably could. I smiled at my vision of her frustrated by my appearance but helpless to correct it by miles of distance.

I slid back into my car, dripping steadily onto the leather. The sound of rain pounding against the metal and glass of the Volvo was almost deafening. If my vision was not perfect, enhanced, I would not be able to see anything through the sheet of rain that fell in heavy droves. Above me the thunder rolled menacingly, the lightning was less than 10 miles away.

I took my phone off the charger plugged into the cigarette lighter on my dash and turned it on. I had several messages, though I doubted any of them would be urgent. I called my voice mail and lifted the phone to my ear, staring out my windshield, watching the stormy water of the bay slowly rising with the rain. Would it flood?

"Edward, call me. I asked you to check in and it's been over a week!" Alice cried from my phone.

Delete.

"Hello, Edward. I just wanted to make sure you're alright. Call me at the office." Carlisle's phone was not as forceful as Alice's had been.

Delete.

"Edward stop being such a baby and call Alice before she blows a gasket." Emmett said.

Delete.

"I'm serious, Edward! If you don't call me by tonight, I'm coming to find you!" Alice threatened.

I sighed. Delete.

"You have no more messages."

Had I really been so stupid as to believe that she would have called? Could I really have expected the last message to be her, her voice soft and warm as opposed to Alice's, sharp and worried? I knew the answer to that. No I had not expected it, but yes, I had hoped. I hated to admit it to myself but every time my phone rang, every part of my soul yearned for the screen to show her number. It never did.

An impulsive urge to dial her number ran over me. I would call and if she answered I would hang up . I knew she didn't have caller ID, there would be no way for her to know it was me. And hearing her voice would do such wonders for me. I'd not heard it since I'd left, well not clearly. The whisper from her window had been disrupted with tears. I needed to hear her voice. I picked up the phone and dialed furiously, pushing the buttons in the familiar pattern.

It rang.

"Hello?" Alice said.

I was a coward.

"Hello, Alice."

"Finally remembered how to use a phone did we?" She asked, disapprovingly.

"I was letting it charge." I tried to explain. She would see through it.

"For two weeks?"

"I guess you just lose track of time when you're on the road."

"Hm." Her voice was still not happy with me. "Where are you?"

"San Fransisco."

"Oh! I lo-." She stopped. She would have said, I love San Fransisco and launched into an itinerary for the two of us, planning a vacation I would never allow. But Alice seemed to understand that and stopped, the disappointment rang clear in her voice.

"How are you only in San Fransisco? You've been gone for a month and you've only driven from Anchorage to Northern California? I thought you would've been in Mexico by now."

"I like the west coast." I said. "It's lovely here today." The thunder boomed overhead again.

She laughed a little. "I wish you would decide where you're going. I hate not being able to tell where you are."

"I don't though. That's my favorite part."

"Hm." Disapproving again. "Well, as long as you're okay. Don't wait so long to call again okay?"

"I won't." I lied.

"Alright. See you, Edward."

"Goodbye, Alice."

The dial tone rang again.

I turned the car on and drove over the bay, the familiar orange bridge blurred by the furious rain. The streets of San Fransisco were deserted. People sprinted from their cars with umbrella's or newspapers, the water bouncing off the pavement so fiercely that it soaked their clothing from the knees down.

I easily slid into a tight space in front of a small cafe and stepped out of my car. I did not hurry in to avoid the rain as the others did, I walked slowly. Normally, I would've acted as though the rain bothered me, part of the human charade, but what did it really matter when I was already soaked from head to toe.

I walked in, picking up a newspaper and sitting at a table towards the back of the restaurant.

_"Oh my god, no business all day and then he walks in!"_

I didn't turn to look at the girl behind the counter. My eyes scanned the cafe and found that it was empty. I groaned.

_"Okay, keep it light. Don't blow it." _She thought sitting across the round table from me.

"Hi." She said aloud, "I'm Holly." She held out her hand.

I looked at it for a moment, considering it. I could take it, grip it tightly. The strength behind my grip, the coolness of my fingers, they would frighten her. If she were frightened, she would leave me be, be glad when I left.

"Edward." I replied, glancing back at the paper.

She brought her hand back. _"Not very friendly. He's soaking wet, maybe he's just had a bad day. He must be cold."_

"Can I offer you some coffee?" She asked.

"I'm alright." I said.

"A sweet bun? Hot chocolate? We have really great Biscotti."

It wasn't going to be easy to keep my human charade under her critical gaze. I faked a shiver.

"You know, I think I will take a coffee."

She smiled. "How do you take it?"

"Just black."

She stood from the table and returned after a few seconds, the wide brimmed cup balanced on a saucer emitted the Brew's strong fragrance. I sincerely hoped I wouldn't be forced to choke it down. She set it in front of me, there was a heart drawn in the corner of the napkin. Subtle.

"Well, aren't you going to drink it?"

I picked up the coffee, cupping my hands around the ceramic curves, and looked down at the dark liquid.

"I never cared for coffee much." I said, keeping my eyes on the cup. "But it's nice to warm the hands." I glanced up at her and smiled the smile that made Bella's heart accelerate. Holly's reacted the same, but I didn't take joy in the sound. I cursed it.

I set the cup down and picked up my paper again.

_"You're blowing it!" _She thought. "Uh... Well... If you need anything else, please, don't hesitate to ask."

She stood up, hesitating as if she was waiting for me to ask her to sit again. When I didn't she turned and walked away.

_"Ugh I'm so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He's probably not even available. Anyone that gorgeous HAS to have a girlfriend. Maybe even several." _

I was happy with the excuse I'd given her. As long as I picked up the cup every so often, letting false relief wash over my face, she wouldn't need to come over. The cup stayed full, I wouldn't need a refill.

It became slightly uncomfortable in the room, her thoughts were longing and it was awkward to keep my eyes averted from her. Every time she'd think of a way to approach me, I'd counter her. Whether it was picking up a napkin or getting up and moving towards the restroom. She was getting frustrated and so was I, I hadn't come here to spend my time avoiding a lustful human, I was here to be alone.

I glanced up and noticed a piano on the other side of the room. Setting down the paper, I moved towards it, running my fingers over the aged wood.

"Do you mind?" I asked her.

_"Ah! A musician too! Could he get anymore perfect?" _

"No, please!" She said brightly.

I sat on the bench and touched middle c. I was surprised that it was in tune. My fingers began to move up and down the keys, emitting the low, sultry sounds of the melody. My right hand worked up the keys and forced out the high, sweet sound of the harmony. Esme's favorite swirled around me and its release was amazing. Almost as great as the day dreams. I poured my pain into the song and it emerged better than ever. I embellished on the melody, adding a more complicated rhythm, forcing notes that didn't fit before but now flowed beautifully. The song was coming to an end but I refused to let it, I jumped back in straining the melody, but it wasn't unpleasant.

New customers came into the cafe but I did not acknowledge them. They chose tables closest to the piano and watched. I couldn't hear their thoughts. I couldn't hear their muffled whispers. All I heard were the notes filling my head.

Eventually, the song had to end. I pulled my hands from the keys and applause filled the silence. The waitress looked at me in awe.

"You played that from memory?" She asked.

"I wrote it." I replied, flatly. Her eyes widened and she smiled.

"What's it called?"

"It doesn't have a name. It's a tribute my mother and father. It's about their love."

Her hands shot to her face and covered her mouth, moisture reaching her eyes. "Oh wow!" She gasped.

_"He's amazing. Sensitive and a magnificent musician. I think I'm in love!"_

I turned away from her thoughts, looking back down at the keys.

"Do you have another one?"

I saw the keys in front of me. They looked white hot, desperate to be touched. Another familiar harmony began to play in my mind and I moved to the keys automatically.

The melody was soft at first, softer than normal. I liked that. When I joined in the harmony, I added power. Making it stronger than normal. The normal pleasant tune sounded sorrowful, full of angst. It was full of my pain.

I stretched it out again, though I didn't add anything. This song was perfect as it was. When I finished, my hands stayed on the keys. I was frozen.

"That was beautiful." A new woman said. "Does it have a name?"

"Bella." I replied.

"Ah, It's Italian, beautiful."

"The most beautiful." I said, the pain showing in my voice

She came to sit next to me, gazing into my eyes. "A love song?" She asked.

"A lullaby."

"It's magnificent."

I came back to the cafe everyday. I didn't bother to take a table anymore or to chat with which ever waitress was working that day. I automatically went the piano and began to play. I relished in the calm serenity that washed over me with the music.

I was composing a new song. It wasn't as easy as the others had been, there was no story. Bella was my inspiration, of course. It was supposed to reflect the pain I felt being apart from her, but it didn't. Every time I changed the melody, I would see Bella again and couldn't recall the pain anymore. It became a love song. It was beautiful but haunting, but I could never finish it. I knew how my love story with Bella ended, and I would not be able to translate that into music. Even the darkest notes would sound sweet compared to the amount of pain that filled our ending.

In the end, I simply slowed the harmony until it was almost non existent and let the melody fade out. It was all wrong, an injustice to the ghostly, enchanting melody. It frustrated me. Each time the song ended I quickly moved to another. Clair de Lune mostly, it had been one of Bella's favorites. It was easy to hide my pain in Esme's song. The melody was so familiar I didn't need the emotion to push it forward. I could separate it from my memories of Bella, making it the perfect escape from my new composition.

Soon the cafe began to acquire regular members who would come to watch me play. They began to request songs. I obliged them Mozart and Chopin, but it seemed they only wanted the lullaby, repeated over and over. I couldn't play it anymore, it brought back the fog.

One particularly stormy day, as I leaned over the piano keys, my fingers gripping my hair as I willed a better ending to come to my new composition, I ran my fingers over the keys, fierce and strong, but the sound came out all wrong. I slammed my fists down on the keys and the rough sound echoed around me.

"You'll get it." Holly said, setting a cup of coffee down next to me.

The harsh liquid filled my senses and I recoiled from it.

"Take that away." I snapped. She picked up the coffee quickly.

"I'm sorry, I thought it would help."

_"He's so moody when he's working on this one, I wish he'd play something else." _

I threw the pencil at the napkin I was writing on. I'd never had problems composing, ever, but there could be no real ending to this song. I breathed in deeply, ignoring the request of someone behind me to hear Esme's song. My eyes closed and I pictured Bella.

My mind started with the two of us together, her snuggled in my arms in her room as she breathed in deeply with sleep. I saw her face light up as she pulled into the parking lot the morning of her birthday. My fingers began to play the love song, the music directing my thoughts.

I saw her cheeks blush and the apologetic smile that shone on her face when I caught her after she had tripped over a small crack. The melody began and were driving to the party. She was holding her presents, the paper cut. The blood.

The haunting notes continued and I was watching Bella's worried face as she watched me holding back the pain of the decision that was already made. We were in the forest together.

_"You..don't...want me?"_

The song was darker now, I was alone in the snow drifts of Alaska. I was running towards Forks and I stopped. The note held, a long two beats and as it started again I was walking back towards Tanya's. Misery was flooding through me and it echoed in the music. I was on Bella's roof, watching her plead through her tears as she stared into the dark, empty forest.

I was alone, surrounded by the pain in New Hampshire. Frightened, suffocating, unable to recall a single detail of Bella's face. I was alone in the tree in outside of Portland, hoping Emmett would not return.

I focused on the music now, allowing it to completely take over my mind. Allowing it to tell the rest of our love story. I wandered aimlessly, lost and miserable. The melody picked up again, hard and sharp and I was running back to Forks. The wind was rushing through my hair, I was exhilarated.

I was home, searching for Bella, I couldn't find her... I entered a dark room, her scent was close. I looked through the darkness and there she was. Sleeping, laid out on a couch and glorious. I went to her side. The music became darker, heavier. Kneeling next to her I leaned over to kiss her neck but I did not stop at a kiss.

A harsh note and I bit through the soft flesh of her skin and her blood flowed past my lips. Bella's eyes snapped open and she struggled against my iron grip. I did not relinquish her. Her attempts became weaker and her mouth fell open. Her eyelids fluttered as the music slowed. The notes followed her heartbeats. Slower, slower, slower. And then the music stopped.

I pushed myself from the piano, snapping back to reality. "NO!" I screamed, cursing the dark melody that had erupted from my mind. "NO!"

"What are you talking about?" Holly asked, rushing to the side of the piano. "That was brilliant, amazing, your best! If any piece could be perfect, you just wrote it." A murmur of agreement filled the room. The women in the room had tears in their eyes as they clutched their hands at their throats, faces beaming with approval.

"NO! Damn that song! It's a lie, every not wreaks of it!" I yelled. I picked up my jacket from the bench on the piano and stormed from the shop. I was wrong about it being a love song, it was a funeral march. Bella's funeral march.

I would never play it again.

I stepped in my car and my phone was blinking. I had a message. I turned away from it, planning on ignoring it. Could fate really be that perfect? I couldn't push it from my mind. A growl erupted from deep in side me as I reached for my phone, pushing it to my ear, begging fate to let it be Bella's voice that filled my ears.

"I don't care what you think, it was beautiful." Alice said.

No. It's was evil. That song should not exist.

I closed the phone and threw it at the leather seat, it bounced to the floor. I turned on the engine, leaving the song and San Fransisco behind me.

"It never happened." I thought, and I reached for Bella's pillowcase.

***First I would like you too hear my inspiration for Edward's new composition. I played this over and over again as I was writing and really used it to tell me the story.

***Please review, I look forward to hearing your feedback more on this chapter than I have any other!

This is the song that I interpret as Edward's composition. (It doesn't let you post links so... it's youtube)

you

tube

.com

/watch?v=gAN9EED831A


	10. Chapter 9 Visitor

Chapter 9

_I was in my car when I'd written Bella's lullaby. The biology class I shared with Bella was blood typing today, so I'd skipped. I sat with my eyes closed surrounded by the dim light of the cloudy day, rain tapping against my windshield. The notes came very naturally through my head, it was as if they were drawing a picture of her face. The music was, in it's very essence, her. _

_"Is she going to pass out? What to I do?" Mike Newton thought a few yards away. His thoughts were full of distress and I turned to look at him. He was supporting Bella as they stumbled from the building. She looked white and chalky, like a corpse. _

_I almost took the door off the car. _

_I was running towards them, fighting very hard to maintain an acceptable human pace. _

_"Bella?" I cried._

_Mike Newton's face shot up at me. "What's he doing here?" He thought._

_I didn't look at him as I approached, my eyes were glued on Bella. My shout had done nothing to change her appearance. I scanned Mike's thoughts some more but all he was thinking about was his anger towards me for interrupting what he hoped was his heroic moment with Bella. What was wrong with her? If Newton had harmed her in anyway, I would destroy him. There wouldn't be enough of him left for even dental records to identify. _

_I turned my eyes to him sharply, all friendliness disappeared from my voice. "What's wrong with her- is she hurt?"I demanded. I wished I hadn't shouted before. I was still twenty feet away and it was becoming harder and harder not to run, really run, to her side. Suddenly, I heard the dull thud of her heartbeat. I noticed her chest rising and falling with her breathing. I relaxed a little. _

_Mike's thoughts finally turned back to what had happened. I saw Bella, positively green, with her head against our table. White cards on each tables with little red drops. Bella didn't like blood. I held my breath. If her scent was so powerful to me, then her actual flowing blood would be too much to ask of my self control ._

_"I think she's fainted." Mike said, his voice very cool. "I don't know what happened, she didn't even stick her finger." _

_I relaxed, inhaling again. Mike's blood was the only thing I tasted on the air and I found it rather unappealing. I knelt at Bella's side and Mike moved closer, his thoughts furious. He was trying to find a way to position himself so that he was closer to Bella than I was. _

_"Bella? Can you hear me?"_

_"No." She moaned. "Go away."_

_I laughed. She was fine, embarrassed at her weakness probably. _

_"I" He emphasized, "was taking her to the nurse. But she wouldn't go any further." _

_"I'll take her. You can go back to class." It was a dismissal. _

_His teeth snapped together. "No. I'm supposed to do it."_

_I ignored him, my mind was suddenly concentrating on the constant battle between my need for distance and my need to be close to Bella. I was both elated and terrified as I placed my arms under her and lifted her from the ground. The first time I touched her. I walked very steadily towards the nurse's office, careful to avoid touching her skin. _

_Her eyes opened. _

_"Put me down." She ordered. Her voice was weak and embarrassed. I added independent to my list of personality traits. _

_I smiled and looked down at her, ignoring Mike's protests coming from behind us. I didn't mind the slow human pace now, it elongated my time with her in my arms. _

_"You look awful." I said._

_"Put me back on the sidewalk." She groaned. _

_I ignored her. "So you faint at the sight of blood?" Ha! How ironic."And not even your own blood."_

_Her eyes closed tightly, her lips still very white. _

_I pushed her through the door of the office, careful to maneuver her so that no part of her touched the wooden door or frame. Ms. Cope gasped at the sight of her in my arms. _

_"She fainted in biology." I explained. _

_I followed the secretary through the open door to the nurses office and set Bella on the hard, generic hospital bed and then immediately moved across the room away from her scent. The venom was flowing in my mouth. _

_"She's just a little faint." I told Mrs. Hammond. "They're blood typing in Biology."_

_"There's always one." She sighed. "Just lie down for a minute honey. It'll pass."_

I was driving north now. I tried to tell myself that it was to keep Alice guessing, that she could never foresee me driving north because I'd made the conscious decision to stay as far away from the pacific northwest as possible, but it was a lie. I was driving towards Bella.

I found myself in Oregon again. It was the end of February now. The air still had the bite of winter but I could taste the coming heat of spring. Everything was lighter in winter. Cooler air held less humidity and thus fewer pollutants. Spring was muggy and Summer was hazy. In winter, the air tasted crisp, fresh. The way snow smelled. I had nothing to compare it to, it tasted as a glass of ice cold water looked when the condensation had formed on the outside of the glass. In the heat of May and June and July, you could taste the sun.

I walked through the streets Salem, careful not to take interest in any of the locality. I had learned in San Fransisco that it was better to remain distant from each place I used as a distraction from my pain. My thoughts couldn't be trusted and therefore I must always be occupied. Each time I grew accustomed to a new place, I'd move on., never giving my mind a moment to retreat back into familiarity.

I avoided my daydreams more now too. Ever since the haunting vision I'd had in front of the piano, my dreams often became disturbed as well. As long as I was careful about the amount of time between each vision, they would be pleasant. If I got greedy, cheated and went into my alternate reality even one hour early, I would see Bella's pale hard body. I would hear the deafening silence of her cold, dead heart.

The scarcity of my dreams made me yearn for her all that much more. I was embroiled in a battle against myself over seeing her again. I'd tell myself I'd go into town in the dead of night and look through her window. When I saw she was asleep, I'd crawl in, like I used to before she knew of my love for her, and watch her. I'd breathe in her scent and re memorize the pattern of her chest falling and rising again with each breath she took. It seemed like a good idea, except I knew what I'd do next. I'd reach out, unable to control my need to feel her warm skin. When she felt my cold touch she would either cringe away and destroy me again, or she'd wake. If she woke, I'd be unable to justify absence from her anymore and I'd stay.

When I'd talked myself out of going to her room, I'd tried telling myself I'd hover in the trees around Forks High School, around the Newton's store. I'd watch her in the thoughts of those around her, enjoying her company though others. Pretend that when she was smiling at them, she was smiling at me. That would never work. Jealousy would win out win I saw Mike being allowed to touch her. To spend his life with her. And I would come back. I had to stay away from Forks.

I'd stopped wondering if she was happy. I knew the human mind. I'd left her five months ago, she would be healed by now. However, I couldn't stop myself from wondering how she spent her time now that it wasn't monopolized by my family and I. I hoped she spent most of her free time with Angela, who was kind and always treated Bella as a friend should. I hoped she and Charlie had grown closer in my absence. I hoped she visited Renee and applied for college and was truly happy. But underneath it all, I hoped that, on an subconscious level, she missed me. That she loved me still.

The first week I'd arrived in Salem, I went hunting. I hadn't gone hunting the entire time I was in San Fransisco and my eyes were burned black. Dark purple circles formed underneath them. I went into the forest and settled for the herbivores, deer and elk. I didn't have the energy or the desire to find a lion or a bear. The whole time I was gone, I just wanted to be back in my car. I may not have been able to dream of Bella, but I could at least enjoy the scent the was now so buried in the fibers of my Volvo that I often didn't need her pillowcase.

After I'd had my fill, I moved into a soft, green clearing. It had begun to rain. I laid down in the spongy, wet grass and looked at the dark, menacing clouds. There is a certain beauty to a storm. The way the clouds roll over each other as if they were waves in a sea of gray. The way the wind causes the trees to dance. I closed my eyes and imagined that the wet green grass below me was the meadow. Our meadow.

Bella would be lying next to me and we'd be deep in conversation. She'd tell me about her worries and I'd comfort her. She'd tell me about the things she was looking forward to and I would show excitement with her.

It's really very difficult to lose your soul mate. I'd been split in two and nothing could repair the damage.

I stopped focusing on the conversation we'd share and pictured her, lying next to me. She would wear blue, my favorite color on her. The blouse that fell perfectly across her white collar bones. Her hair would be down and waved around her face. And her eyes, they would smolder with the love that burned in them last summer. The love that was only a pale reflection of mine. Her face would be slightly damp in the misty rain typical of Forks. I would bring my hand up to wipe the moisture away and her warm skin would feel hot against my cold, hard palm.

_"Thanks. It's worth-"_

No. I couldn't allow myself to sink into a dream now. I had to wait at least 16 more hours. I stood up from the moist earth, feeling my clothing cling to my back. I ran back to town and slid into my car, taking a CD from the glove compartment and sliding it into the stereo.

The soft, comfortable melody of Debussy filled my head and I leaned back, counting the seconds pass in my mind.

13 hours. The CD had played 5 times and was about to start over again. I reached down and took it from the player. I was about to make a new choice but decided against it. When the jeweled CD case was back in it's place I took my phone and dialed home.

"Edward!" Alice greeted me on the first ring.

"Hello, Alice." I said.

"What's wrong?" She asked suddenly worried.

"I'm..." I paused. My tone became incredulous. "I'm lonely."

"Well come home!" she said brightly. "Esme would love to have you back. I can't tell you how much she misses you."

"It would just hurt her more when I left again." I said.

"You don't have to leave, Edward."

"But I would."

There was silence on the other end of the line. I knew there were hundreds of questions she was dying to ask me but she was afraid if she pried to far, I'd hang up the phone and be gone again. I thought about her, sitting on the other end of the phone, trying to think of something to say to keep the conversation light. I missed her. So much more than I'd allowed myself to realize until this moment.

"Alice." I said without thinking. "Will you come and visit me for a while."

"Absolutely!" She squealed with delight. "I'll be on the next flight. Just tell me where to go!"

"Portland. Just let me know when you'll get here."

"Portland, huh? I thought you were driving south..." she teased.

"Alice, please."

"Okay, okay. Give me a minute." There was silence for a heartbeat and then she was chiming into the phone again. "I'll be in Portland in six and a half hours. See you soon."

Dial tone.

I closed my phone and set it on the leather next to me. It was a short drive to Portland from here. I wished I didn't have so much time to kill. I turned the key in the ignition and began to drive south. I'd take the long way around.

I still arrived at the Portland airport an hour early. Not wanting to wait in the car, I walked inside and stood at security. The clock moved very slowly. Passengers from Utah and Idaho and Colorado came through the gate but the connecting flight from Chicago still showed, On Time.

I grew restless. I still had half an hour and the guards at the security gate were watching me a little too closely. I decided to walk through the gift shop. It was very generic, post cards, chewing gum, bottled water, tabloids. I grabbed a bouquet of yellow roses and walked back to the gate.

The Chicago flight was at the top of the board and now read Arrived. Another ten minutes passed and then I saw her spiky black hair bobbing through the terminal. She ran past the gate and hit me hard, wrapping her arms around me and shoving her body against mine.

"Edward! Oh it's so good to see you!" She pulled away.

"Hi, Alice. Oh, uh... these are for you." I handed her the roses.

"They're beautiful. You didn't have to do that." She said taking them.

We walked out to the Volvo and I held her door open. When I slipped in my side, her nose was turned up and she was looking around the car.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's... Bella." She said.

"Oh." I said, looking down at the steering wheel. She reached her hand into the back seat and fished the pillow case out from under the back seat. She pressed it to her face, inhaling the fragrance. When she pulled her hands away, she was smiling. The smile was very short. She looked down at the pillowcase, staring at it fondly, but then turned her golden eyes to me.

"You shouldn't have this." She said.

"You don't understand.."

"I understand, Edward. But you're not living. Spending all your time locked in your fantasies will not bring Bella back into your life."

"Alice..." My voice broke to a whisper. "I need it." I was pleading, begging for her to understand.

She looked back at the pillowcase. "Just don't.. go overboard."

"I'm in control." I said.

"I really hope so, Edward."

I looked out the window. Alice had just barely gotten here and already I was ashamed of my behavior.

"So what... do you want to do?" I asked.

"Well, lets go drop my bag off at your hotel room and we'll go explore Portland!" The end of her sentence was exited.

"I don't have a hotel room."

"What do you mean? I thought you said you were staying here for a few days?"

"I don't ever get rooms. I just, sit in my car."

"Well, that's not happening now. When we relax tonight, I expect a couch. Take me to The Nines hotel."

I drove through downtown Portland and arrived pulled up in front of The Nines. A valet came and asked for my keys. I handed them to him through the window and pulled Alice's bag and Bella's pillowcase from the back seat.

Alice led me into the lobby but she turned to me before we got to the front desk.

"I don't want to offend you or anything but, you're a mess. I'd like this to be easy and they don't just give suites away to anybody. Wait by the fireplace okay?"

I turned and walked away from the counter. The lounge was very well decorated, golden tan furniture, glass tables with matching golden lamps. A crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling and there was a large elaborate fireplace in the corner.

I saw my reflection in the mirror that hung over a table that held informational pamphlets about Portland. My clothes were dirty and very wrinkled from being soaked and air dried and the soaked again. My hair stuck out at weird angles from my frustrated hands being run through it too often. Though my eyes were now a golden brown, the deep purple circles had not vanished and they stood out shockingly against my white skin. Their was nothing behind my eyes. It was like staring into the face of a corpse.

"All set." Alice sang as she danced into the lounge. I picked up her bag, draping the pillowcase over the handle and followed her and the bell hop to the elevator. We went to the top floor and stopped in front of tall, white double doors. The man in the uniform opened the doors wide, smiled and told us to enjoy the our stay.

Alice pranced into the room, smiling very widely. "Yes." She said. "This will do nicely." She slipped the bell hop a twenty dollar bill and closed the door behind him.

"Well first thing's first." she said, turning stern eyes on me. "We NEED to get you out of those clothes."

"Alice, I don't have anything else."

She ignored me, she was digging in her suitcase. She pulled out a fresh pair of jeans, a long sleeved white turtle neck and my tan leather jacket.

"Precognition." She said, tapping her temple.

I smiled at her and took the clothes, changing in the large bedroom. Next she ushered me into the bathroom and ran a wet comb through my hair and some styling product. When she was finished, I examined my reflection. I almost looked back to normal. Everything was perfect, except for the eyes and unless Alice had Bella tucked away in her suitcase there wasn't anything she had packed to fix them.

She took me by the hand and led me through the streets of Portland. She bought several things for her and Jasper, a brooch for Esme and a fountain pen for Carlisle. We left several boutiques and department stores with bags dangling from each arm. I acquired several new outfits and I almost laughed when I thought about how long Alice had probably been waiting to get her hands on me. She made me promise that I wouldn't let my appearance drop so rapidly once she left.

"When are you leaving?" I asked.

"Tomorrow morning."

This dumbfounded me. "Why do soon?"

"Jasper's having more problems then he anticipated at Dartmouth." She said, thoughtfully. "It seems he's still beating himself up over the Bella incident last fall and he's afraid to go to classes. Emmett had to switch into all of his psychology courses just to get him to go to school."

"Oh." There was nothing else to say. Alice's face didn't falter from her smile.

"But lets not waste time over how short a visit this is going to be. Spring break is next month! I'll come visit again and maybe I'll bring Jasper. Or better yet, you could just COME HOME." She over emphasized the last words.

"I told you, going back wouldn't be good for me. Wouldn't be good for you or Esme or Carlisle or Jasper or Emmett. I'd leave again and it'd hurt them."

"You forgot Rosalie." Alice pointed out.

"No I didn't. I only mentioned those who wanted me back, who missed me and who it would hurt for me to leave a second time."

"And you're still forgetting Rosalie." She said again.

"What do you mean.?"

"This has been hard on the whole family, Edward. Rosalie may not be the best at showing it all the time." She looked at my face. "Okay, ever... but she does love you. And she misses you. There's a notable difference in her now. Seeing Esme hurt is hurting her too. It's hurting all of us."

"Rosalie misses me." I said, a smile coming to my face. If only my story could have a happy ending, I'd never let her forget this.

"Okay, okay, laugh all you want. But look inside yourself, Edward. You miss her too."

I did, I suppose. Not in the same way I missed my other family members but it was true, though I hated to admit it.

When we arrived back at the hotel that night, Alice changed into more comfortable clothing and curled on the couch with a soft blanket. I sat across from her and she told me about my family.

"Well, Jasper and Emmett are starting a psychology degree, but I already told you that and Rosalie has started Political Science. I think she's thinking about getting a law degree which couldn't hurt. We have two doctors in the family, we might as well have a lawyer."

"I'm not a doctor." I said.

"Oh contraire." She said. "I believe you do have a PhD in medicine do you not?"

"Alice, we both know there's more to being a doctor than a degree."

"Well you're no Carlisle, but you'd still make a good doctor. Hey! Why don't you come home and work at the hospital with Carlisle?"

"I like it here." I said.

"No you don't. You're watching her, aren't you? Not literally, but the reason you stay on the west coast, that you keep driving north is that you're waiting for something to happen you have to save her from?"

She was right but I didn't tell her that.

"I like the rain." I replied.

The rest of the night was lighter. Alice avoided subjects that made pain show in my eyes so we spent most of our time talking about her and plans she had made for our family. It didn't upset me the way I thought it would, knowing my family was planning a future with out me. I supposed I'd given up on that future months ago.

The next morning, we checked out of our hotel and I drove her to the airport. We walked together until we reached the point where I couldn't follow her and she turned to me, wrapping me in a hug.

"Just because you're not coming now, doesn't mean you don't have reason to not come home soon. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to come home, no one will hold it against you." She whispered in my ear.

"You'll come back at the end of March?" I asked.

"Of course." She said, a sad smile crossing her face. She kissed me on the cheek and walked through security, disappearing from view.

I turned and walked out to my car. It was drizzling, the sky sending of a pale gray light. I felt the weight of my misery again. I didn't want to be alone anymore. Or maybe that wasn't the problem so much as I wanted to have a purpose. A real distraction that would keep the fog away for good. But I couldn't think of anything I could do. I drove into town and parked in a parking lot placing Bella's pillowcase over my face and waited for the oncoming fantasy.

When I awoke it was dark outside. I looked at the sign of the building and saw it was some kind of bar and pool hall. I get out of my car and walked inside. The bartender asked what I wanted to drink but I refused him.

"Buddy, this ain't some kinda joint you can come into and just take a load off. Customers only."

I sighed and asked him to bring me his most expensive bottle of liquor, hopefully that would keep him away from me for the rest of the night.

I stared into the crowd of people that ushered in and out of the entrances Their thoughts all centered around the same general concepts. Alcohol and Sex.

I had been sitting for an hour when two men came and sat at the bar next to me, just off a long day of work.

"I'm telling you." One of them said. "They say the wolves there are as big as horses. It's got the loggers all scared to go into the woods."

"As big as horses? Come on Tom- you can't expect me to believe that?"

"It's true. They keep finding all these weirdly mangled bodies up there and the bodies are surrounded by these giant wolf prints. The police chief up there, oh what's his name, Swan? Yeah, Swan, he's getting all kinds of heat from the Clallam County officials because his team keeps coming up empty handed. They've got people looking all over that country, even down on the Indian reservation."

Police Chief Swan? They were talking about Forks. I thought back to the last trip Alice and I had taken to Forks, the headline in the paper. The wolf from the story may have been killed, but it wasn't alone. And now they were finding bodies. I threw a few hundred dollar bills on the counter and asked the bartender to keep the glasses in front of the men next to me full for the rest of the night then grabbed my jacket and bolted out the door.

I was in my Volvo in the next second, screeching my tires and pulling from the parking lot coaxing as much speed from my engine as possible down the highway towards Washington.

Alice had been right. I had been watching out for Bella, and now that she was in danger, I'd found my purpose, I'd found my distraction.

***Tell me which chapter is your favorite so far in your reviews! I'm getting close to his time with Victoria : )


	11. Chapter 10 Wolves

Chapter 10

_When the hostess had left us at our table, Bella turned critical eyes on me. _

_"You really shouldn't do that to people. It's hardly fair." _

_I didn't understand what she meant. The tooth baring grin had been intended to frighten the hostess but she was in the back babbling to the waitress about my jacket. "Do what?" I asked. _

_"Dazzle them like that. She's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now. _

_I paused for a moment, considering the truth behind Bella's words. My moment of hesitation made her lash out at me. _

_"Oh come on!" She said. "You HAVE to know the effect you have on people!"_

_"I dazzle people?" Emmett would be laughing hysterically if he could hear our conversation now. _

_Her eyebrows raised and her eyes became critical. "You haven't noticed? Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?"_

_I blurted out the hopeful words before I could stop them The second they passed my lips I wished I could take them back. _

_"Do I dazzle you?" I asked. _

_Her answer wasn't hesitant. "Frequently." The pink flush came to her cheeks. _

_My silent heart began to swell, the room seemed brighter. I dazzled her. _

_"Hello." said an unfamiliar voice. I didn't look up to the waitress, I was too engrossed in the beautiful, perfect human in front of me. I dazzled her. _

_The waitress's thoughts were loud and obscene. Apparently the hostess's description of me had failed her standards and she was redefining me in her head. I ignored her, continuing my stare on Bella. The blue in her shirt was beautiful against the perfect creamy white skin. She looked like porcelain, smooth and perfect. _

_The waitress was facing me now, impatient about something. Bella's eyes were on me, crinkled and expecting. I was supposed to give her my drink order. I raised my eyebrows in Bella's direction as if to suggest she should go first and the waitress begrudgingly turned to her. _

_"I'll have a coke?" Bella said, more of a question. Like she was asking for my approval. I smiled. _

_"Two cokes." _

_I was waiting for Bella to go into shock. When it hit her, she would be thirsty and she could take my soda. The sugar would be good for her. I looked over her, examining her for any sign that the shock was coming, but I didn't find anything. She looked absolutely perfect, and so gorgeous. _

_"What?" She asked, uncomfortable under my scrutinizing stare. _

_"How are you feeling?"_

_She eyed me suspiciously. "I'm fine." _

_"You don't feel dizzy, sick, cold." I listed off the symptoms humans felt after traumatic incidents, textbook post traumatic stress. She shook her head. _

_"Should I?" Her voice was confused. _

_"Well, actually, I'm waiting for you to go into shock." I said smiling. I knew she would reject this. The independence in her would not allow me to take care of her. _

_She paused before she answered, her face was slightly blurry, unfocused as she pondered my question. She looked like this when I smiled at her sometimes. Was she dazzled. I smiled again at the idea. _

_"I don't think that will happen. I've always been good at repressing unpleasant things." _

_I frowned slightly. I knew the girl was a trouble magnet but why did she have so much experience with unpleasant things?_

_"Just the same." I said. "I'll feel better when you have some sugar and food in you." _

_At that moment, the waitress placed our drinks and a basket of bread on the table. It smelled strongly of garlic. I resisted the urge to crinkle my nose at the unpleasant smell. She then turned to me and asked for my order. I kept my eyes from her, irritated by her vulgar thoughts, and gestured to Bella._

_Bella stuttered and glanced quickly down at the menu. "Um... I'll have the mushroom ravioli." _

_The waitress turned back to me, her smile returning and her voice much more eager. "And you?"_

_"Nothing for me." I was slightly colder than I should have been. Bella frowned at my choice not to order. I wondered if she noticed that I never ate food. She probably did, she noticed everything. Would I be forced to choke something down to fool her? A piece of bread maybe? I eyed it and was immediately repulsed by the idea, the garlic smell filling my head again. _

_When the waitress walked away I motioned to Bella's coke. _

_"Drink." I encouraged. _

_She took the soda and began to drink without objection, something that surprised me. She drank until the glass was empty and I pushed mine towards her. She took one more long gulp and the shuddered. My eyebrows set in a worried line. _

_"Are you cold?" _

_"It's just the coke." She said, still shuddering. _

_I looked back down at the pretty blue blouse I had admired and examined it. It looked as if it would not be enough to protect her from the cold. _

_"Don't you have a jacket?" I asked. _

_"Yes." She turned to the bench and looked surprised when she found it empty. "Oh- I left it in Jessica's car." She frowned. _

_I shrugged my jacket from my shoulders and handed it to her. I wished that my skin were warmer so that it would be warm when she pulled it over her arms. She took it and wrapped it around her, shuddering at it's lack of warmth. _

_I stared at her shirt again. The way it fell over her collar bones was so tantalizing, seductive. I wanted to reach out and run my finger along the place where the fabric touched her skin. _

_"That color blue looks lovely with your skin." I complimented her. _

_She flushed, turning the beautiful color that made my throat burn. My thirst reminded me that Bella needed food. I pushed the bread towards her. _

_"Really, I'm not going into shock." She said, but she took a piece of bread and began to chew on the end. _

_"You should be. A NORMAL person would be." I said, emphasizing my words. "You don't even look shaken." _

_She shrugged, the trust in her eyes was real. "I feel very safe with you." She said. _

_I didn't deserve that. I was beginning to think I would eventually have to tell her the truth. Maybe that would be the only way I could keep her away, make her fear me, like she should. I shuttered at the thought of her avoiding me. _

I was leaning against my car, Bella's pillowcase folded neatly in the front seat. It was night, cold and clear. I could hear faint noises coming from the trees and the wind blew lightly in my ears. The familiar "Welcome to Washington" sign was 20 feet in front of me. I loved nights like this, where you can hear the noise of everything around you. It was easier to think, though lately I'd done everything I could to keep away from my thoughts. I didn't need to work to focus my thougts tonight though, a more substantial problem was worrying me now.

I was frozen. I'd spent the last six months avoiding this state line as if it were the gate to hell. It might have been. I was going back to Forks, but what would happen when I got there? The danger I posed to Bella's life was not over. I couldn't stay. I was going to go and destroy the pack of wolves who were killing residents of Forks and then.... leave again. That thought was painful. It might actually kill me to pry myself away from her this time.

A car was driving towards me now, its headlights reflecting off the silver metal of my car.

_"Why is he parked like that with no flashers on?"_

I turned to face away from the highway, staring at the wretched sign. The car stopped next to me and the passenger side window rolled down.

"You havin' car troubles, buddy?" A middle age man called from the driver's seat.

"Just getting some air." I replied courteously. He looked at me strangely for a moment but rolled his window back up and continued down the highway.

I sighed and got back in the car. My hand seemed to shake as I placed the key in the ignition. What was my plan anyway? Would I go to Bella's house first? Make sure she was okay? No. That would distract me too much. I'd destroy the animals first, then go to her, never letting her see me. What if she had been killed? Every part of my body cringed under the pain of the thought. I decided I would check the Forks High School parking lot in the morning. Scan the lot for her rusted Chevy truck.

I turned the key and the engine roared to life. Slowly, I moved my hand and put the car in drive. I had never been so nervous, afraid. The fear of the future, of not knowing what my actions would be in the next 24 hours, was terrifying. It was even more dangerous for Bella to be around me like this. Just seeing her would make it impossible for me to leave, and no wolf was as dangerous to her as my presence in Forks.

I took a deep breath and hit the accelerator, gunning to eighty miles an hour as I crossed the state line. It was a very short drive. My mind was occupied and I hardly noticed time passing at all. When I reached Forks it was still dark out, only three in the morning. Bella would not be at school yet, she was still asleep. Would it be okay for me to go to her window? I turned down her familiar street, slowly approaching Charlie's house. Bella's truck sat lifeless in the driveway. There were no lights on.

When I was able to see her window, I stopped and stared. Several minutes passed and I didn't move. What was I waiting for? She wouldn't come to the window. I tore my eyes from the house and continued down the street, my eyes glued to the rear view mirror.

I turned back onto the highway and made the familiar turn down the hidden road that led to my house, tucked away three miles into the forest. When I pulled up in front of the dark white house, I almost turned around.

The landscaping was overgrown. All traces of Esme's perfectly planned yard had vanished. I stopped and walked through the tall grass and up the stairs, which weeds had begun to consume. When I opened the front door, I could smell the dust. I took a few steps on the hard wood and they seemed to echo through the empty halls. This place seemed so much bigger without my family. It was dead, eerie, I was very uncomfortable.

I thought of turning some lights on but thought better of it when I remembered I was supposed to be in Southern California. Perhaps some hunter would see the faint glow in the Cullen house windows and my cover would be blown.

As I examined the now foreign room, my eyes fell upon the one thing that looked exactly as it had been left. My piano, black and gleaming. I opened the cover and stared down at the keys, wondering if I could pass the time more quickly with music. But as I moved to sit down on the bench, the funeral march rushed through my head and I slammed the cover closed. It seemed I would never be able to play again. I thought about what a shame that was, I really enjoyed the piano.

I moved to the stairs and found myself at Alice's room. I rested my hand on the wooden door and it opened. The dark was unusual, the moon was hidden behind the solid gray clouds and no light shone into the room, though I saw everything perfectly. Her bed was made and her desk was tidy. I scanned the books that sat on the shelf and the calender that hung on the far wall. There was a pink circle around one of the dates and a notation to go with it.

September 13th. Bella's Birthday.

I wanted to rip the cursed reminder from the wall but I couldn't disturb anything in Alice's room. It felt like a museum, a tribute dedicated to the happy life she'd spent here. Why did she even have that dark day circled? It wasn't as if she needed a reminder that Bella's birthday was coming. She'd been planning that horrible party for weeks. I left the room, closing the door sharply behind me.

I was trying to prolong getting to my room. My mind hoped that the scent of Bella would still linger though shirt that had filled the room with her had been removed half a year ago. I stopped at Esme's office and decided to look through the neat piles on her desk.

There was paperwork and receipts from a lumber company dated back to August of last year. I pulled them aside and saw plans for a gazebo. Esme had been planning to build it by the river, a place for her and Carlisle to have to themselves. I moved the papers back, ashamed once again of my decision that seemed to have ruined the lives of every one I cared about. The decision that had saved the life of the one I loved.

I left the room and finally climbed the stairs to my own. I opened the door and inhaled deeply. The scent was there, but it was faint, almost nonexistent. I moved to the black leather couch and stared at the room that had once been mine. I hated it now. Everything there screamed that there had been a time that I was happy. A time that didn't press this giant weight of misery on me every minute of every day. A time when I could play soft music and twirl Bella around on the gold carpet, catching her and holding her close to my chest each time she stumbled.

I growled and laid my head over the back of the couch, keeping my eyes tightly closed. I didn't think of anything for the rest of the night.

When the sun rose, I moved slowly. It was still too early for Bella to be at school. I smiled at how much this felt like it used to. Waiting for the clock to read at least seven before Alice and I jumped into my Volvo and steered our way to school, always arriving too early.

It wouldn't be like that today. This would be the first time Bella arrived anywhere before I did and didn't know if it would make me feel better or worse when I saw that she had arrived at school. If I didn't see her there, it would be the worse pain I'd ever felt, but at least there would be an end. All of the pain that I'd felt over the last six months would end. I would end.

When the clock on the oven finally turned to seven forty five, I left. Classes had started and if Bella was going to be at school, she would be there by now. I ran at top speed as I wove through the familiar trees towards the high school. Though it was short, it was exhilarating. I hadn't run like that in a long time.

I stopped at the edge of the trees that surrounded Forks High School and began to walk slowly towards the place where the parking lot would come into view. If my heart were able to beat, it's rhythm would be furious. My nerves were about ready to snap as I looked to see if my reason for being was alive or dead.

Her truck stood out from the others that surrounded it. It was tall and massive compared to the typical four door sedan's most teenagers drove. She had parked on the completely opposite side of the lot from where she used to. I scowled as I recognized Mike Newton's car next to hers.

Bella was safe, a first for her. Now I could focus on what I was really here to do. I sped away from the trees back towards my house. I located the maps of the area in Carlisle's office and began to set up a grid of Forks and the surrounding wilderness. I would start close to town, working my way to the Quileute border and then hug the outside of town. If I found nothing I would move one mile out and repeat the pattern until I found the beasts.

I jumped from the porch and followed the river to the first section of my grid. It would take me on the outskirts of town. I was running along the forest line, able to see the last of the buildings from Forks. I smelled nothing. After hours of combing the south side of town and it's side of the woods, I moved to the north.

I came to the section of forest that ran along the back side of Bella's house. My senses stopped as I once again looked to her window. I glanced down at my watch. Two O'Clock. Bella wouldn't be home for another hour. I convinced myself I could afford just one small look around her room.

I climbed the side of the house, combing the street for the thoughts of her neighbors. There were none. The window was closed and groaned as I opened it. If I came back, I'd need more oil. I shook that thought from my head. I couldn't come back.  
Her scent was strong in the room, stronger than the the pillowcase, and my head immediately began to swim into my fantasies. I fought them back, seeing this room, remembering those nights I'd spent here would be better than any of the dreams so far.

Her bed wasn't made, the blankets were tossed and tangled from her restless sleep the night before. I eyed the purple pillowcase that Emmett had replaced the month before. It was slightly different, but not enough to catch the eye. I doubted that even if Bella had been looking for the change, she wouldn't have noticed it.

I picked up a shirt that lay on the floor and moved to place it in her hamper, but then remembered that Bella might notice if I disturbed her room. I set it back in place. Her desk was covered in books and papers. I moved to look at the folded paper that sat in front of the chair. It was a map, a grid, similar to the one I'd drawn on Carlisle's, covered the familiar terrain. There were notations on the side of the paper in an unfamiliar messy script that suggested it had been written by a male. So Bella did have someone new.

I followed the sections that had been crossed off and my eyes fell upon a circled location towards the end of the map. Our meadow. She'd taken this new boy to our meadow. Not only had she found someone new, she'd completely moved on from me. Moved on enough that the place we'd held so close to our hearts was now a place she willingly shared with someone else. I felt a pain rush through me. When it passed the jealously that roared in me fueled my curiosity. I needed to know who my replacement was. Then I could decide whether he was worthy of her or not, though I doubted I would find anyone of the local teenage boys suitable for my angel.

It was strange, searching her room the way I was, it felt wrong to invade her privacy this way. But I was too blinded by jealousy to realize just how much I'd crossed the line. I went through the trash by her desk, hoping to find a note from him. All I found were old school assignments and grocery lists that were all in Bella's handwriting. I checked her drawers and closets for any of his clothes that she might have borrowed. If I got his scent, I could scour the town until I found him It wouldn't take long. There were none.

She had no special dates on her calendar, no names scribbled absentmindedly on scrap pieces of paper, I couldn't even find a picture of the two of them on her bulletin board. I found the scrapbook she'd gotten for her last birthday tucked away on a shelf and flipped through it hoping to find him there. It had not changed from when I left it last fall. My name was still scribbled below the empty place that had once held my picture.

I descended down into the house, checking the pad of paper by the phone for any messages Charlie had taken from him. I checked the dishwasher, hoping the plates would count out to meals of three instead of two. I breathed in the scents of the house, hoping to find something unfamiliar. Nothing. Everything in the house pointed to the resounding fact that Charlie and Bella lived here and that no one else disturbed them.

I decided to go up to her room and look again, hoping I'd missed something when I heard it. Her truck was pulling into the driveway. I froze and dropped the book that held the list of phone numbers Bella and Charlie wrote down. I sprinted up the stairs and darted into Charlie's room, closing the door at the same time Bella walked in.

She was in a hurry, her footsteps quick as she stumbled through the kitchen. I heard her pour a glass of water and gulp it down. Then she started up the stairs and entered her room. My mind began to race through my memory of looking through her things. Had I moved anything so that she could have noticed? I didn't think so, but the nerves were still palpable.

She rustled around slightly, moving things from her bag and putting them away. I thought perhaps she was changing at one point as something soft hit the floor and she pulled open a dresser drawer. The urge to run to her was so strong I almost left finger marks in the wall as I gripped it to keep me in my place.

Finally she picked up her keys again and flitted from the room, tripping over the bottom stair, her footsteps loud as she thudded into the wall.

"Crap." She hissed aloud. The first time I'd heard her voice since I'd left Forks with Alice. I heard a pen scribbling over the pad next to the phone and then she pulled open the door and let it swing closed behind her. When I heard her truck pull out of the driveway and begin moving up the street, I flew down the stairs to retrieve the message she'd left for Charlie.

Going to La Push to see Jacob. Billy has invited us both to Dinner, but if you don't feel like the drive there are leftovers in the fridge. See you tonight!

Bella

It didn't help at all. Jacob was just the young Quileute who Bella had been friends with for longer than she'd known me. I threw the pad down and moved back up to her room. After searching another ten minutes through the things I'd already looked at, I gave up. I crawled out the window and moved across the lawn.

I was considering scanning the thoughts of people around town, hoping to find an image of Bella with her new... "boyfriend". I cringed but was immediately distracted from the image of Bella in the arms of someone else. The scent hit me like walking into a wall and it was only yards away from Bella's house.

It was familiar though it took me a moment to place it with the source. It wasn't wolf, though it was close. My mind flitted back through the memory of Carlisle, signing the treaty with Ephraim Black. The scent that surrounded Bella's house, was werewolf. I scowled. Only SHE would have luck bad enough to revive the dead wolf gene buried in the Quileutes. Was Bella's luck enough to limit the number of dangerous mythical creatures to only vampires and werewolves? Or would I be fighting ogres next year?

Wait, the Quileutes! My mind raced back to the note in Charlie's kitchen.

Going to La Push to see Jacob..

I sprinted after her, hoping I'd reach her before she crossed that damn line. I used my fear to push me forward, taking as much purchase from the ground as I could get. When I got to the line, I could hear her truck roaring around the curve towards the beach. I looked down at the invisible boarder to the Quileute reservation. Should I cross it? I didn't know that Bella was in immediate danger, but I knew she wasn't safe. I stalked the line, pacing back and forth, listening as hard as I could into the trees.

The minutes passed quickly as I wondered if Bella was going to come out of the reservation alive. I was straining, hoping I would pick up any thoughts of her, any mental picture. An hour later when I finally heard a sound, it made me more anxious than the silence. Snarls erupted from the trees, there was a fight. Several other growls now joined the two wolves who were fighting as they moved closer to me.

I was ready, tensed to attack. I would grab Bella the second I saw her and run with her as far away from Forks as I could manage before she needed me to stop. The plural thoughts of the pack were close enough for me to hear now, and I read their moods. They were worried about the two wolves fighting. Images of Bella flashed through their minds and I tensed again. What had happened?

"_She can't know the secret. We must destroy her!"_

_"No, Paul. Bella is no danger to us." _

_"Of course she's a danger. She knows! You can't let your feelings disrupt your judgment!" _the first wolf, Paul growled.

_"I wont let you touch her."_

I couldn't make out who the second wolf was. No one thought his name, though he seemed to have a bond with Bella. He was protecting her. Could it be... Jacob? I thought of the small, 16 year old. He couldn't stand a chance against the giant wolves that made up the Quileute pack. I tried to count the thoughts, to know the number he was up against so I might guess his chances. I couldn't come up with a number, the packs thoughts were in unison. In wolf form, they ceased to exist as individuals.

They were getting closer and I shot up into a tree, watching intently. I needed surprise on my side. When they came into view, I saw a large gray wolf backing away from the even larger rust colored wolf that was barring it's teeth and growling loudly. Though the gray wolf showed no fear of the other, he did not attack him. A deep, double voice that was the signature of the Alpha wolf boomed through their thoughts.

_"Paul back down." _The gray wolf was forced back onto his haunches. _"Jacob, stop." _

I watched the giant red wolf, relax his growl and stop his advance. Jacob. The red wolf turned from the confrontation and darted back into the trees, racing towards the heart of the reservation. One by one the others followed and the plural thoughts of the pack became less substantial, until they disappeared completely.

I jumped from the branch and landed on the edge of the line. Not only was Bella now on the land where the werewolves lived, where I couldn't go... She was friends with one of them. I pictured the wolf's face, his barred teeth. His snarls had ripped at his fellow pack member, ready for the kill should Paul have challenged him. He had been protecting Bella. I began to run up and down the line, waiting for Bella to come back across.

More hours past and I saw Charlie's cruiser cross the line. She would be here for hours. I had to leave the line. The pacing was making me anxious, allowing me to think to much. I'd almost crossed the line and gone to get Bella myself three different times. Only picturing Carlisle's face when he discovered that I broke his treaty stopped me.

I ran back towards town, running through the trees until I came to my house. I didn't go inside, I was too restless to deal with the pain of my empty home. I stalked around the perimeter of the lawn, willing my mind away from the thought of Bella around the wolves. I took deep breaths that were supposed to be calming, but when I picked up a new scent, I tensed again.

It was faint. Very old, probably weeks, maybe a month or two. I followed it up to the house to the windows and doors. It was vampire, Laurent. I growled. The scent did not enter the house but it did form a circle all the way around it. He was only here to see if we were. He'd found us gone.

I forced my senses to find the trail that he'd taken after he'd left. Somewhere Laurent was alive with the knowledge that I was not with Bella. I pictured his eyes, ruby red, and knew I needed to find him. When he saw me, he would know that I had found his scent. That Bella wasn't abandoned.

I followed it into the woods, making large curving pattens until, eventually, I was in our meadow. I swallowed hard as I remembered the map on Bella's desk, this exact location circled. She would come here again. The scent was strong here. He'd been here for awhile, I moved further into the clearing and registered Bella's scent. He knew she was here, was he waiting for her. Suddenly, another scent registered. A foul scent that was harsh and woodsy. Dirty. The werewolves.

Though I knew Bella was still alive, still alright, it made me nervous to know that she'd been in the meadow with them. I needed to find away to get her out of here. As soon as I took care of Laurent I was going to save her. I would go to her window and beg her to come away with me. She would deny me of course, I'd hurt her too much for her to trust me now. If I couldn't convince her, I'd take her anyway. Maybe I'd take her to New Hampshire, my family would like me holding Bella against her will, but they would take care of her.

My mind thought of scanning the meadow for the scent of her new boyfriend. I'd kill him before I took her. No, I moved that thought out of my mind. I had no time for distractions from Laurent, he could be looking for Bella now. Suddenly, I felt an odd sense of relief knowing she was protected by a pack of Vampire hating werewolves Ha! Safe with werewolves, how ironic was that?

I turned and followed the scent of the wolves again. They'd passed through, seemingly to follow Laurent's scent from the meadow. Excitement rushed through me as I followed them. Deeper and Deeper into the woods. I wondered how far the would have gone after him when the scent stopped. I looked around at the charred bark on the tree, ashes. They'd caught up to him, killed him. Relief began to wash over me as I realized that Bella was in no danger from Laurent. I would be able to take her from Forks sooner, tonight.

The relief I felt was quickly replaced by a fresh wave of panic as another scent drifted over me. There was a foot print in the soft ground, small, feminine. She had bent over the ashes and examined the trees where the flames licked at the bark.

I recognized the scent immediately. It was Victoria.

***Well guys this is it for a few weeks. I hope you enjoy it enough to hold you over. I will have brief smatterings of internet, just enough to check my email and facebook : ). Keep your reviews coming so I'm motivated to continue when I'm back at school! Thanks!


	12. Chapter 11 Victoria

Chapter 11

"NO!" I growled angrily. How could I have been so stupid, so careless to leave Bella unprotected here? Sure, I had removed the danger that I posed to her but I should have stayed close by, I should have watched her. I grabbed a small sapling by the roots and threw it far into the trees, releasing the tension in me. I needed a plan, there were too many things to take care of at one time.

The most urgent was that I needed to make sure Bella got home from La Push safely then I'd focus on finding Victoria. I worried for a moment, I'd never tried tracking before. Hopefully, my extra sense would make it slightly easier, give me an advantage. If I could follow Victoria's scent to get close enough to read her thoughts, it'd be easy.

I was about to run back down the hill the way I'd come but I stopped. I didn't want to lose this trail, the scent was clear and if I let it sit something could disturb it. Or worse, Victoria might come back and erase it. It wasn't hard for our kind to make sure we couldn't be found, ask any of the nomads. I growled, what would I give to have Alice's gift for just this one moment, to be able to see Bella drive safely back across the line. Then it clicked, Alice! I pulled out my phone and dialed her number.

"Edward!" She chirped before the first ring had finished, "How's Forks?" Her voice was smug. She'd assumed I'd called to tell her I was staying, that had been my decision just an hour ago, but she was wrong.

"Alice, I need you to do something for me and I need you to not waste time with questions."

"What?" Her voice was worried.

"I need you to find Bella, I need you to tell me if- when she gets home."

"Oh, so _now_ I'm allowed to watch her?" Alice said, slightly angry.

"Alice!" I barked back.

"Ok, ok, give me a second." There was silence on the other end of the phone and I knew she was searching. I could almost picture her eyes going blank and see her thoughts buzzing through events that had not happened yet. After almost half a minute passed. I began to get worried. It never took Alice this long to see something.

"I-I can't make anything out." She said, frustrated. "It's been so long since I've looked for her, I've lost it." She went silent again and in another minute she spoke.

"I saw that she was driving west, towards the Quileute reservation, but then it gets foggy, I just can't see... No, it's gone." Her voice was defeated. I was almost hysterical.

"Alice, don't stop looking. Call me if you see anything, no matter what it is!" I hissed and hung up the phone.

I was sprinting through the trees before I had put my phone back in my pocket. Why had Alice not been able to see her, she'd never failed like this before. Sure she'd been wrong, but she'd never been able to NOT see someone. Or worse see someone and then... I ran faster.

When I hit the wall of odor that signaled the border I extended my extra hearing as far into the reservation as I could. Someone was flipping through TV channels and another was pulling a load of laundry out of the dryer, her thoughts were occupied with her son's mysterious behavior over the last week. I ignored those thoughts and searched for ones that revolved around Bella. After a minute I found one, Charlie.

He was thinking about how nice it had been to see Bella smile at dinner. He approved of her spending a great deal of time with Jacob.

_"He's a good kid." _He thought, _"It's much better with him than it was with Edward, healthier for her."_

He was right, Bella spending time with Jacob was healthier for her. So why did I suddenly want to destroy everything around me? I watched the place where the highway came out of the trees and saw Charlie's cruiser drive by, Bella close behind him. The second they passed the Quileute's border, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I flipped it open.

"Yes?" I hissed.

"Bella will be home in 17 minutes." Alice reported. "Then she is going to say goodnight to Charlie, take a shower, brush her hair and teeth and then do her English homework before she goes to sleep. Strange. There was absolutely nothing and then, like a flash of lightning, I could see everything."

Someone must have made a split second decision that allowed Bella to make it home okay. I thought of Paul and my teeth snapped together. I'd deal with him the second I'd taken care of Victoria.

"Thank you, Alice. You don't have to watch anymore. I was just... worried."

"I'd be worried too." She said. "I tried finding Victoria, but everything keeps changing very quickly. She wont make up her mind about anything."

"Thanks." I said. "Call me again if her plans become anymore concrete."

"I will." She promised.

I hung up the phone.

The trees on the edge of the Quileute lands were dark now, I looked as far as I could into them, seeing nothing before the physical presence of trees interrupted my vision. Would the Quileute men transform again tonight? I needed to follow Victoria, find her and destroy her before she could return to Forks and find Bella, but I didn't want to leave Bella alone with the wolves either.

I briefly wished I had Emmett with me. He could keep patrol on the border, keeping the wolves far away from town and I could take care of Victoria. I briefly thought of my original plan. Go to Bella, persuade her to leave with me, kidnap her if I couldn't, and take her somewhere safe. Alice would come stay with Bella in a hotel if I asked her to and I could trust Alice.

_"Jacob." _A deep alpha voice boomed in my head. _"Where are you going?"_

_"I just want to run a few patrols around Bella's house. That crazy redheaded leech has been getting closer to Forks. What if she goes to Bella's house in the night?"_

_"We need to protect our own borders, Jacob." _

_"The bloodsucker is coming for Bella. Isn't our job to protect human life? That's what I'm doing, I'm protecting Bella. Get Paul and Quil to run patrol on the res." _

I listened to the dull thud of paws as Jacob ran towards Bella's house. He had said that Victoria was getting closer to town. I would let him run the patrol around Bella, and I would take Victoria in person.

I ran quickly up the mountain side towards our meadow. I was getting close. Though I didn't need to, I was following my scent back. I thought it would be better to leave as little trace of me as possible. Jacob would be able to recognize my scent as Vampire and only two things could come of that.

1- the pack would start hunting me, believing me to be a threat, a friend to Victoria.

or the much worse option

2- Jacob would recognize my scent and tell Bella I had returned.

I was only a few rises away from the meadow when something stopped me. My body froze, solidifying every part of me. I had made a careless error and now it may be too late. My scent ran up the mountain side, clean, until this point. Victoria had found my scent, she knew I was here.

I focused my senses more clearly on the trail leading up the mountain side. She followed my scent to the meadow, noticing how it lingered over Laurent's ashes. Then it abruptly moved north. The scent was less than an hour old. I thought about Bella, she'd be in the shower now, if Alice had been exact on timing. Victoria had definitely gone in the opposite direction of Bella's house, probably running as fast as she could. But I couldn't tear myself away from the spot I stood. It felt like I was leaving her helpless, despite the werewolf running around her house right now. He was only a child after all.

I needed to see her, for just one more moment before I left. I would plaster the memory of her, safe in her bed bending over an English book, in my mind. When I worried about Bella being alone here, it would be better to have that image of her. The only one I had now was the ghost like image in the forest last September. My fantasies acted as an escape from both the fog of misery and from the image of Bella's face that afternoon that seemed to have branded itself onto the backs of my eyelids. I could not afford my fantasies now. I had to focus all of my attention on Victoria.

I ran into town, reminding myself with every step that I would have to leave. Just a quick look and then I would find Victoria.

I came to the scent of the wolf circling Bella's house. Was he old enough to distinguish between scents? Or would he simply smell vampire and believe it to be Victoria? I was only about thirty yards away from the tree that hung over the ledge outside of Bella's window. I backed up half a step and launched myself into the air, grasping tightly to the bark and landing silently on a bow. I swung quickly towards the house and stepped lightly on the damp shingles, edging carefully to the window.

Her light was still on, though this did not surprise me. I'd known what she would be doing, I just hoped it was a good enough distraction to keep her from seeing me through the window. I peeked around the corner into the glass and saw her, radiant in her holey sweats and over sized t-shirt. Her hair was wet and pulled above her head. There was a deep crease in her brow as she bent over the assigned book for her class. The Great Gatsby, Fitzgerald.

I could have stayed there, staring through the glass that felt like a prison in the way it kept me from her. I would have too, but Victoria had to be found. I peeled my eyes away from the window and backed against the siding, replaying the image in my mind. Yes, I could recall it perfectly. I smiled and leaped from the tree again, sailing over the line of Jacob's patrol and onto the safety of the hard black pavement.

I moved out of sight, staring intently at the dimly lit house. Minutes passed and there was no sound. The clouds moved over the moon, darkening the already purple light like an eclipse. It began to rain again, but for several more minutes all I heard was the quite drumming of the water bouncing off the concrete.

Finally, I saw the shadow that was Jacob pass behind Bella's house, searching for Victoria's scent.

_"Three times around and nothing yet." _He thought.

_"Then come home, Jacob."_ The alpha said, though it was not a command.

_"Just let me make two more rounds and then I'll pick up the boarder where Quil left off." _Jacob replied, and he disappeared into the trees. He didn't even stop at my scent though it was only twenty yards away from his circle. This did not comfort me.

I pushed Jacob's holes out of my mind, hoping that, with the help of the 4 or 5 wolves that made up the pack, they would be able to keep the line clear from the sea. I would stop her from the North. I flew back to the meadow and judged precisely which direction she had gone in. Tracking was something entirely new to me, though I could not afford mistakes, the toll was too steep. I was about to follow the trail when my phone rang.

I pulled it out of my pocket and flipped it open. "What is it, Alice?" I asked, irritated.

"Bella is going down to La-." She began, but I cut her off.

"I told you not to watch her anymore!" I barked.

"No, you said I didn't have to watch her anymore, you didn't specifically say not to.."

"Well now I'm specifically telling you not to." I said curtly.

"Why not?" She snapped.

"Because we're not interfering with Bella's life anymore. When I asked you to find her today it was a one time thing, circumstances made it necessary that I knew the outcome of Bella's day."

"That's what I'm trying to tell you! Bella-"

"Alice, unless you saw Bella dying within the next 48 hours, I don't want to hear it."

"Well, that isn't exactly what I saw. She just... disappeared again."

"Well maybe you gift is telling you that you should leave her alone too. I mean it, Alice. Don't look for her again."

"Fine." The phone clicked and I heard the dial tone.

I shoved the phone back into my pocket and began to follow the scent.

It was very difficult. She changed her patterns so suddenly I lost her a few times and it took me a moment to pick the trail up again. Apparently Victoria had picked up some tips on how to avoid being found from spending so many years with a tracker. Eventually, I came to an open highway, the scent ended but I could smell the distinct scent of burned rubber. She'd gotten into a car.

"Damn it." I cursed loudly and began running down the highway, following the projection of the skid marks on the road. I followed for miles, paying careful attention to the earth and the trees to the sides of me. If she pulled over and tried to hide, I would know.

When I came to an intersection I was at a loss. I had no idea how to decipher which way she had gone. I thought through the list of my family friends for a tracker. There was only one, Alistair. He was in England and he preferred to be alone. I doubt if even Carlisle, Alistair's only friend in the world, could convince him to come. I was on my own.

I couldn't allow myself to be discouraged. I began scanning the ground for any sign of Victoria's passing. The wet pavement glistened in the moonlight, but showed me nothing. I didn't know what to do. I knew there was a small town a few miles ahead, but would she risk being seen by people when she knew I could so easily interrogate them, frighten the answers I needed out of them? She didn't know about my gift, I hoped that would be the key to finding her.

I decided to narrow down my options by thinking about what I would do in her situation. Obviously she would know that I had found her scent, why else would she have run? The road to my left led back around the mountain towards Forks, she would not attempt such an easy return. The road to the right went into the next town and would lead her towards the sound. It would be a good option. If she boarded a ferry or swam across the dark water it would take me a moment to find her scent again. The road that went straight ahead led to a small group of houses that belonged to loggers, a community that held no places for her to hide. I decided to go right.

When I reached the first group of houses I immediately knew I had guessed right. Several of the thoughts that came from the suddenly blazing windows revolved around a noisy car, driving carelessly. Someone down the street was on the phone with the police, complaining about the noise. Victoria had hit a hydrant on the left side of the road and flooded the street. I darted after her, too fast for the humans coming to stand on their front porches to see. Avoiding the water was difficult, I was taking long, quick bounds that still barely carried me over the flood.

I followed the long road for miles, listening as hard as I could for Victoria's thoughts, hoping I could just catch her voice long enough to hear her plan. She was too far away. Frustration once again fueled my speed. I pictured Bella. She would be crawling under her covers by now, perhaps she was already asleep. I was the only thing keeping her safe, I couldn't fail.

After twenty minutes of running, I found a sleek red corvette abandoned on the side of the road, only miles away from the water. I focused on my extra hearing, concentrated on the scents in the air. It was her car, but she wasn't here. Her scent darted off in the obvious direction, I was going to have to swim after her.

It took me less than five minutes to reach the water's edge and when I did, I could hear her arms beating the water no more than 100 yards off shore. I dove into the water as hard as I could, pushing the water out of my way as I raced to the other side. I was gaining, I just needed to get close enough to hear her thoughts.

When I reached the other side, I found a foot print in the sand. She ran south. She was pointed towards Seattle. Would she try to lose me in the city? I made sure I stayed close to the shore as I ran after her, She would not cross again without me knowing. I liked her on this side of the water, it was another obstacle to Bella.

Her scent didn't cross the water the entire way to Seattle. I slowed slightly. I had lost her scent, though I knew this was the direction she had gone. I pulled away from the shore, searching for a trace of her. I couldn't find anything. Panic washed through me again. Had she made a loop and gone back across the water behind me? I turned around, glaring into the darkness for a sign of her, hoping for and against a tell tale splash in the water. Nothing.

I searched again and again, but still found nothing. I'd lost her. I was about to run back to the place she had crossed when my phone rang.

"Alice." I breathed in relief.

"I haven't made much out, but she seems to be focusing on the southwest. Her plan changes between Texas and Arizona, but she's definitely headed south. I see her somewhere in Idaho by dawn." She reported.

"Thank you, Alice." I breathed.

"You really should know about Bella thoug-"

I hung up the phone. I had no patience for Alice's worries. The biggest danger to Bella right now was Victoria, Jacob could keep her safe for a few days while I followed Victoria.

I began to run east, making my way south as I went. I crossed her scent again as I passed into Lewiston, Idaho. The success elated me and I ran faster. As I followed her through the twists and turns of the forest in central Idaho, I wondered how long she would run. Would she chance being seen by humans and run in the daylight? I looked at the trees wondering if their branches would be enough to shield her from the sun. It would be difficult, but it would work. However, if she kept this pace, we'd be in Utah by sun rise. A desert with nothing to shield her from the sun's rays.

I continued to follow her south, passing through the southern tip of Idaho into Nevada shortly before dawn. Like I had anticipated, when the sun had peaked over the far off hills, we were running through Utah, 30 miles south of Salt Lake City. Her scent was stronger now, I tried to extend my gift out again and this time I was successful.

_"Throw him off. I've got to throw him off. When he's lost, Forks. Kill the human. Avenge my James. Avenge my James. Kill the human." _

Her thoughts were broken, changing with each long stride she took. The shock of hearing her plan caused a few of my steps to falter and I slowed. It took me a few minutes to clear my mind enough to focus on my speed. My moment of hesitation had given her an edge again, I couldn't hear her thoughts anymore. I growled and pushed myself forward.

It was the middle of the day, the sun blazed over head, but there was no human around for miles. I could see the rainbow colored points of light dancing on the ground around me and the sun glinted off my skin. We were close to the New Mexico border now. I wondered if she would edge right towards Arizona, or left to Texas. Miles passed and we moved to the east. Texas it was.

The sun set and she showed no signs of stopping. I wondered when her trick was going to come. She would try to throw me off but how? Another car? A plane maybe? I ran on and on through the night until I found myself unable to go any further. The trail split.

How much farther in front of me was she? Surely the false trail couldn't go too far. I stared at the branch that continued on, hoping I could see her red hair. The other scent turned sharply, pointing north east. I didn't know what to do. Automatically, I reached for my phone and dialed Alice's number. I hoped she'd be able see where Victoria was. If she had turned back to Forks, I didn't have time to waste. The phone rang for a second time, something unusual for Alice. I waited impatiently for her high voice to answer but it didn't. Instead a deep, somber voice sounded in my ear.

"Hello, Edward."

"Jasper? Where's Alice?" I demanded, impatient.

"She's left for a few hours. Hunting."

"What!" I yelled. "She knows I'm counting on her to see Victoria!"

"That's why she left. She can't see Victoria at all, she changes her mind too quickly. And every time Alice tries to focus on her, Bella breaks through her thoughts. What ever Alice keeps seeing in Bella's future is disturbing her. She needed to get away for a few hours."

"Great." I said and looked around again, though I knew I wouldn't be able to see Victoria. I was about to hang up the phone when Jasper spoke again.

"We, the whole family, are going to Denali for a few days to visit Tanya. Esme would like it if you would come. You could watch Bella from Alaska, we'd all make trips down."

I thought of Jasper making a trip down to Forks and shuttered, though I immediately felt guilty for it.

"No, I need to finish this. Tell Esme I'll visit soon and have Alice call me as soon as she gets back."

"She really misses you, you know. The whole family is hurting with you away. Carlisle just comes home and locks himself in his study. Esme stopped all her plans for future building, Emmett never tells jokes. Even Rosalie has taken to coming home from classes and staring at the television. And Alice... Alice is hardly the same now, she loves you the most you know."

"I know." I said. "I just can't leave. I'll make it up to everyone, I swear."

"I hope so, Edward.. I really hope so."

I hung up the phone. Guilt was surging through me, but I couldn't allow myself to feel any regret now. I still didn't know which way Victoria went and every second she got farther away from me.

I looked down at the place where the trail split, focusing intently as though the correct scent would suddenly burn red like her fiery hair. For the first time in months, I cleared my head of everything. I didn't think of my family back home or the wolves or the crushing cloud of misery. I didn't even think of Bella. I only thought of what I knew of Victoria.

The one trail definitely continued south while the other turned north. She could have gone north, leaving the southern trail in case I missed her new direction. No, that seemed childish, too easy. She knew I would find the second trail, knew I'd be looking for any sign that she turned back towards Bella.

I smiled. I'd figured it out. Victoria would know that if for even one moment I thought Bella was in danger, that she was on her way back to Forks, I would follow. She had laid a false trail north and expected me to go after her, all the while she went south. She would wait for a few days in Mexico for me to realize I'd been wrong and set after her again. Then she could board a plane back to Seattle and I would never be able to find her.

I felt proud of myself, maybe I had it in me to be a tracker after all. I followed the southern lead and sure enough it led around to the highway. She'd gotten into another car. I looked around for a body, someone who had been driving the car previously but found nothing. She must have persuaded the driver to give her a ride into town, something that would have been all to easy.

Luckily, without Victoria driving I should be able to catch up to the car without any problem. I ran down the highway, the venom in my mouth flowing as I thought of how close I was to the kill. My eyes stretched out into the distance for the car, but they saw nothing. However, there was a small border town only a few miles ahead.

I curved to the outskirts of town and slowed my pace, searching the thoughts around me for Victoria or anyone who had seen her. I walked through the dusty streets, it wasn't long until sun rise now, I had to find her quickly. A few early merchants had gathered along the sides of the street, stocking their carts for their morning customers. I scanned their thoughts and jumped when a man selling fresh eggs pictured Victoria in his mind.

She had been beautiful on the side of the road, enchanting. He'd never heard a voice as high and beautiful as hers, never seen such pale perfect skin, or such glorious red hair. She'd asked for a ride into town and he'd hurriedly agreed. But he'd only taken her a mile before she'd asked to be let out. She said she was trying to get to Mexico, that someone was after her and she didn't want him to be involved. He didn't want her to go off on her own, she looked so frail and delicate, but he himself was in the country illegally and could not afford to become embroiled in her problems. He let her go.

I cursed and turned around, running back along the highway searching for her scent, but I found nothing. My detour had given her time to erase her path. I thought about what she'd told the old man. She was going to Mexico. Would she really tell her plans to a human? It was arrogant, cocky. But I had no other leads.

I began to run south until I could see the border. There hadn't been many people who had come through this early in the morning so the officers standing guard at the gate would remember Victoria very clearly. To human eyes, she would be extraordinarily beautiful. I scanned their thoughts.

_"Pretty red head. Seemed to be in a hurry though. Wonder what's got her all in a tizzy?" _a guard thought. I smiled and backed away from the line. She was arrogant, all of these mistakes would make finding her easy.

I made a wide arch around the hills that stalked the border. There were crude fences placed by humans that I easily leaped over. I continued to have to rely on human thoughts to find her, there was no scent. I wasn't sure how she was doing it. She must have some talent for not being found when she didn't want to be.

I ran into the town on the other side of the boarder. I could only catch a glimpse of a thought of a beautiful red head that had entered a taxi going to the airport. I hissed slightly. It would be impossible to track a plane. I hailed my own taxi and asked the driver to take me to the airport in Spanish. He drove off and when we arrived I didn't bother to look at the fare. I handed him two hundred American Dollars and slammed the door behind me.

The airport was crowded. Some flight across the country had been delayed and the people's thoughts were to occupied with the inconvenience of being stuck in an airport overnight to notice a beautiful redhead running past them. I moved to security. Surely they wouldn't be bothered by the flight delay.

_"Never seen hair that color in all my life. Wonder what she's rushin' about? Sure, she's a little late for her flight but all that rushin' is just slowin' her down more."_ a guard thought as he took someone's passport. I needed to get into the terminal.

A few people complained loudly as I pushed passed them in my rush to get to the counter. The woman behind the desk smiled and I arranged my face into the most menacing expression I could. I had no time for niceties.

"How may I help you, Sir?" She asked, her eyes slightly worried. _"Should I flag him to be checked in security?"_

I relaxed my face slightly, I had no time to be searched. "Sorry." I began, "I'm not one for crowds."

She took a deep breath and smiled. "What can I do for you?"

I looked at the board, not caring what flight I bought. "A one way to... Cancun." I said.

She put my request into the computer and after swiping my black card, she handed me a ticket. I bolted in the opposite direction, glad I didn't have anything that had to be checked by security.

When I made it into the terminal I searched for any sign of her. She wasn't going to Cancun, my luck wasn't that good. I checked each gate and found nothing.

_"That red head was gorgeous." _a male human to my left thought. _"And all alone too."_

I turned in his direction just in time to see a glimpse of red hair round the corner as the attendant shut the door. I looked at the destination at the desk.

Brazil.


	13. Chapter 12 Broken

Chapter 12

It took everything I had not to run to the locked boarding door and rip it from its hinges. I tried calming my mind by reminding myself that I was on the right track and I knew where she was going. I threw my Cancun boarding pass in the garbage and left the terminal again. I was about to buy my own boarding pass to Brazil when I realized that it may be another trap. What would stop Victoria from boarding a plane straight back to Mexico once she landed? I would be in Brazil, stuck as she sauntered her way back to Forks.

I thought about playing it safe and flying back to Washington from here, guarding Bella until Victoria dared to return. But I didn't know how long it would take Victoria to come back and I knew I couldn't be close to Bella for long without crawling through her window and begging her to forgive me. In all truth I didn't know what would stop me once Victoria was destroyed either.

If only I had someone I could trust to watch over Forks or stay and guard the airport while I flew down to Brazil. I didn't know if it would be too much to ask Alice again to see Victoria's plans. Maybe I could disguise it as a friendly call, slip it into the conversation. She'd missed my last call after all. I reached down to my pocket to pull out my phone but when I opened it, nothing flashed on the screen, the battery was dead.

I growled slightly at the inconvenience and made my way through the airport. I knew that I wouldn't be able to find a new battery, let alone a charger so I settled for a cheap pay as you go phone from one of the stands by the gift shop. I tuned on the new phone but before I could push any buttons it began to play a generic ring tone. I didn't know the number but I hesitantly accepted the call.

"Hello?" I asked nervously.

"This is why you always pack and plan before you run off. You're far to impulsive, Edward." Alice chirped.

"Where are you?" I asked, confused by the strange number.

"I'm on a plane. We're going to Denali and I saw that you would call me and that you wouldn't get through, so I helped you out a little."

"Oh right, Denali, I heard."

"Yes. I can also see that you wont be joining us. What's so special about Brazil anyway, its not a very pleasant time to visit South America right now you know. Bad weather."

So I was going to go, Alice must see that Bella would be safe in Forks.

"Alice." I started, though I wasn't exactly sure what to say. "I'm in Mexico right now and Victoria boarded a flight down to Brazil. I'm afraid if I leave the airport she'll just fly back and run back to Forks.."

"I didn't see her get on a plane." Alice said.

"Well I did. Physically, I mean. Maybe she never decided to, she just boarded whatever plane was leaving."

"I suppose." Alice said. "So you want me to watch Bella again?"

"No. Could you watch the airport though. Victoria mostly. She'd have to make the decision to fly back, you'd see that."

"Yes, I would see that. Or I should, so many things have been slipping through."

"I trust you, Alice."

"Alright, I'll try."

"Thank you." I said, and the phone clicked off.

I went to the ticket counter and the woman seemed confused when she saw me again.

"Something wrong with your flight?" She asked as I approached.

"No...uh, it's a business flight. Change of plans. I'll need a ticket to Brazil, as soon as possible please."

"Alright." She said. Her fingers began tapping on the keys, drumming on my patience. Had Victoria's plane taken off yet? How long would she wait in Brazil?

After what seemed like hours the woman handed me my business class ticket and I once again waited in line at security. Fortunately, another airline was departing to Brazil in only half an hour. I paced in front of the clock, counting seconds in my head. The minutes ticked by so slowly I wondered if the clock had stopped several times.

Finally, the attendant called my row and I bolted onto the plane. When I was in my seat I watched the people filing in around me. Some were excited, obviously on vacation, others looked like they really were on business, slumping into their seats and immediately ordering drinks. The tiresome thoughts that surrounded me could not distract me from how slowly time seemed to be moving. I longed for the pillowcase that was folded in the front seat of my Volvo back in Forks. Would I be able to dream about her without it?

I pushed my seat back and closed my eyes. I could feel the air blowing, cold on my face. The plane started to move, slowly at first and then faster as we approached the end of the runway. As the plane soared into the air, I soared off into a dream.

_Bella had left the house in a hurry that morning, skidding and slipping on the wet pavement. She hadn't noticed my car sitting next to the curb as she bolted to her Chevy. When she did noticed she skidded suddenly to a stop and almost lost her balance again. I chuckled to myself and opened the passenger door. Her eyes were wide as she watched me. _

_"Do you want to ride with me today?" I asked. It really was a request. I had decided the night before that I would never make Bella do anything she didn't want to again, everything would be here choice. _

_"Yes, thank you." She said immediately and skipped into the passenger seat of my car. _

_I was elated as I dashed around to the drivers side, not bothering with human speed in my eagerness. _

_The warmth radiating from he skin was ecstasy. Nothing had ever made me as happy. I couldn't compare her presence to any I'd ever known, not even my family made me as happy. _

_She began to stare at my jacket resting on the headrest behind her, I smiled. _

_"I brought the jacket for you." I said. "I didn't want you to get sick or something." In truth the jacket was my excuse. I didn't know if it was acceptable for me to show up uninvited but I knew it was cold and Jessica still had her jacket. Surely coming to offer her a jacket was acceptable. _

_"I'm not quite that delicate." she said, though she pulled the jacket off the head rest and wrapped it around her. _

_"Aren't you?" I muttered darkly to myself. She was that delicate. I was breaking the rules being alone with her now. It was dangerous, but I was too selfish to stay away from her anymore. _

_She stared at the window, watching the houses pass as I accelerated through town. Her silence taunted me, I needed to know what she was thinking. _

_"What? No twenty questions today?"_

_She smiled. "Do my questions bother you?" _

_Her smile infected me and I felt my own face change to reflect hers. "Not as much as your reactions do." _

_"Do I react badly?" She asked.  
"No that's the problem. You take everything so coolly- it's unnatural, it makes me wonder what you're really thinking." _

_"I always tell you what I'm really thinking." she said. _

_I rolled my eyes. "You edit." _

_Her pressed her lips together as she thought of a response. "Not very much." _

_My curiosity boiled. What did she edit? What didn't I know?_

_"Enough to drive me insane." _

_She hesitated. "You don't want to hear it." _

_This confused me. What wouldn't I want to hear? I ran my mind over the conversations we had had. I had told her once to not tell me how she felt. "Never say that." I had said. I had made her cry. Is this what she kept from me, her feelings for me? _

_I couldn't speak. I had hurt this perfect angel, the center of my world. _

_"Where's the rest of your family?" she asked after a moment of silence. _

_I allowed myself to take a deep breath and taste the air. It burned, but not enough to antagonize the monster in me. I felt relieved, I was getting used to her smell. _

_"They took Rosalie's car." I said. We were in the parking lot now and I pulled next to the red convertible. "Ostentatious, isn't it?"_

_She looked at the car with wide eyes. "Um. WOW! If she has that, why does she ride with you?"_

_I smiled as I thought of Rosalie's response to Bella's reaction. She simply loved it when people admired the things she had, though not as much as she enjoyed it when people admired her. _

_"Like I said, Ostentatious. We try to blend in." _

_"You don't succeed." she laughed. The sound of her laughter made my head spin with delight "So why did Rosalie drive today if it's more conspicuous?" _

_"Haven't you noticed?" I teased. "I'm breaking all the rules now." Though my response was intended to be slightly frightening, a warning, Bella smiled. Of course._

_My face fell as she opened her door and stepped into the rain. It frustrated me that she didn't wait for me, I would have liked to have opened her door for her, steady her as she found her footing on the slick pavement. _

_I moved to her side and walked next to her towards the building. Her hand moved towards mine twice but then jerked back to her side. Did she want to hold my hand? Did she want to touch me? It was hard to steady my breathing. _

_"Why do you have cars like that at all?" She asked. "If you're looking for privacy?" _

_I smiled at her. "An indulgence. We all like to drive fast." _

_"Figures." She mumbled under her breath._

_"Nuh uh! I don't believe this." Jessica Stanley's thoughts yelled at me. "How the hell did Bella pull this off?I don't get it! Why?"_

_I saw her standing under the covered roof of the cafeteria, Bella's coat in her hands. I looked down at Bella, she too was staring at Jessica, the worried crease appearing between her eyes. She walked up to her and reached for her coat. _

_"Hey, Jessica. Thanks for remembering." _

_It was hard to speak with the amount of loathing I felt towards Jessica and her ill thoughts of Bella, but I needed to be friendly towards Bella's friends. _

_"Good morning, Jessica." I greeted her. _

_Her eyes were wide and her heart beat increased, fantasies once again began to swirl in her head. "Er.. Hi." She mumbled, finally. _

_She turned towards Bella. "I guess I'll see you in Trig." _

_"You are so going to spill. I'm not taking no for an answer. Details. I have to have details. Edward freaking CULLEN!! Life is so unfair." She thought._

_Bella's mouth turned down slightly. "Yeah, I'll see you then." _

"Attention all passengers, we are now making our descent into Brazil. Please make sure all trays are in the upright and locked position and keep your seat belts fastened until the plane is no longer in motion. Thank you."

I jumped awake, my body aching to be running again, to find her. When the plane touched the ground and came to a stop at the gate, I immediately jumped up and bolted for the door. I was there before the stewardess had opened it.

"Anxious are we?" she asked, smiling.

"Don't like flying." I mumbled as I darted out of the door before she had fully pulled it open. I ran to the end of the hallway out into the thick, moist air of the terminal. The light was purple, there were dark clouds outside that promised a storm. I cursed. This would mean that Victoria could have easily left the airport.

Once away from the gate, I immediately focused on my senses again, hoping to catch her scent or hear someone thinking of her, see someone picturing her. Nothing. I wound my way through the airport and made my way outside. A light drizzle had started and people were scouring under buildings to protect themselves from getting wet. I walked undeterred into the rain.

It didn't take long to find her in someone's thoughts. They hadn't seen her face but cloud of flame red hair was unmistakable. She'd checked into a resort, waiting in the lap of luxury for me to realize my error and arrive in Brazil all too late. I was ahead of her though.

I walked into the swank hotel, dripping on the pristine carpet. The hotel manager glared at me as he watched gray drops appear beneath me. I smiled at him as I approached the counter. It wasn't hard to fake this time, the ecstasy of the kill, so close to me now, was flowing through every pore of my body.

"How may I help you, sir?" he said in a thick accent.

"I'm looking for a... friend." It was hard to force the word through my teeth, but I doubted he noticed. "A red head, very beautiful. She checked in today?"

I knew he wouldn't tell me she was there. No hotel handed out room numbers with no confirmation from the guest. He didn't need to tell me though, his mind raced through the transaction earlier that day, I saw the room number clearly in his mind. I saw her hair, and her pale hand reach for the key. I saw her smug walk as she darted to the elevator to wait.

"Let me call her room and let her know you have arrived, Mr...?" He asked, picking up the phone.

Only one name came to my mind, occupied my mind entirely.

"Mr. Swan." I said, smiling.

He picked up the phone and dialed a number. The phone rang three times and he set the receiver down.

"I'm sorry, sir, but there seems to be no answer. Would you like me to tell her you came by? I'd be more than happy to deliver the message."

"No that wont be necessary." I said and turned away from him. I'd wait for her to return myself.

I left the lobby but immediately returned when I saw the man behind the desk disappear into the back. I crept behind the counter and pulled an electric key from the door. My fingers pressed the numbers that matched Victoria's room and I scanned the card.

I snuck to the elevator and hit the correct floor, smiling at how easy it was. I'd wait for her in the room, hiding until she, so unaware, was in the perfect position for my attack. When I reached her room , I slid the card into the lock and opened the door.

It was dark inside, the curtains blocking the windows. A breeze was wafting the soft chiffon into the room. I could hear the sound of children playing in the pool below floating up through the window. The bed was perfectly made and the living room untouched. She'd only been here for a moment, if she'd been here at all. There was no trace of her scent.

I rested in a chair in the far corner of the back of the suite. She wouldn't see me here when she entered the room. In fact, the only other place she could see me apart from the room I was in was if she stood at exactly the right angle in the bedroom. But by the time she got to that place, I'd be on her. She wouldn't even have time to register me.

There was a clock sitting over the mantle, I listened to each second tick as the minutes crawled by. My eyes never stopped focusing on the bedroom, my lips rested against my fingertips which were pressed together in anticipation. The clock chimed a new hour and Victoria had still not returned.

I wondered what she could possibly be doing? My mind briefly wondered if this was a trick. Was she at the airport now? My hand twitched towards my phone, would Alice have arrived at Tanya's yet? I extended my extra hearing out into the hotel hoping to hear her thoughts, but I found nothing. My mind briefly flashed to a vision of Bella, but I couldn't afford a fantasy now, I needed surprise on my side, I needed my entire focus on the bedroom. I shifted in my chair and continued my intense glare into the bedroom, focusing on the seconds ticking away.

The room became darker as the sun sank lower in the sky outside the already darkened windows. I could hear movement on the floors below me and through the thin walls. The hotel guests around me were settling in for the night, I stared on.

One hour, fourteen minutes and thirty seven seconds later, the lock on the door clicked. My body became suddenly rigid, aware. Venom flowed in my mouth. This was it.

I heard two distinct sets of footsteps enter the room, one light and soft, the other heavy. There was a heartbeat, and deep low breathing. She'd come home with a man, prey. I moved silently from the chair into the darkest part of the room. If the man saw me, any noise he made would attract Victoria's attention and give her a chance to escape.

A set of keys crashed against a wooden surface and the footsteps moved in opposite directions across the wooden floor. I heard a bathroom door close and a shower turn on.

_"So beautiful tonight." _The man thought as he stepped into the hot water.

I could hear the slighter, softer movement of Victoria in the other room. There was a muffled thud as something heavy landed on the bed then a zipper being pulled open.

I stalked through the dark shadows of the living room. My footsteps were silent, my breathing had stopped. I eyes were sharp through the darkness and the venom was potent in my mouth. I took another step but stopped at the edge of the light. Her red hair shown bright as fire in the yellow light of the lamps. She was bent over a dresser drawer, placing a light garment into the wooden chest.

I moved very quickly, moving silently. I couldn't give her a moment to recognize my presence, to scream, to fight. It had to be quick. I came up behind her and quickly wrapped my hands around her mouth and the back of her head, ready to tear it from her body. I was already picturing throwing her red curls into the fire I would build in the fireplace in the living room once she had been dismembered.

I was about to apply the pressure necessary to separate her head from her shoulders but I stopped. Something was wrong. Her skin wasn't cold, it was hot, almost two hot. She was soft. I looked down, distracted by the heat and saw a red tinge on her arm. A sun burn.

She struggled against me, but it was weak. I barely even noticed it, though the way she kicked her legs and squirmed under my hold suggested she was using all of her strength to fight against my hands.

The scent was wrong. Was that blood? Her thoughts were full of panic and the breath that pushed against the skin on my palm was not cool, it was hot and wet. The wetness was slippery, it wasn't venom, it was saliva.

Then I heard it. The slow even thud. Thud. Thud. A heartbeat.

I spun her around, keeping my hand over her mouth and looked at her. The eyes that gazed up at me were not ruby, not even black They were brilliant green and wide with fear. I could feel her jaw trembling beneath my hand, tears leaked from her eyes. She whimpered.

The red hair in my hand was soft and smelled of sea water. There was no vampire scent at all. As she grew more and more terrified her face flushed red and the scent of human blood filled my head. It was not Victoria.

The anger that flooded through me almost caused me to crush the poor human dangling from my deadly grip. I was still rigid, my teeth bared. I wanted to scream. If this wasn't Victoria where was she? My mind raced back through the thoughts and mental pictures I had followed here. They had never seen her face. When I saw board the plane to Brazil, I had not seen her face. We'd all seen the same thing, the hair. This hair, red and wild, just as Victoria's was, though now that I could really see it different in so many ways. Shorter by a few inches, deeper in color, thicker.

I let the woman go and she screamed, cowering against the dresser behind her. I bolted for the door, running at the speed no human could register. As I pulled the door open I heard the man in the shower stumble. Several people were turning door knobs as I flew past them. I didn't bother with the elevator, I sprinted down the stairs, through the lobby and into the dark, humid night.

I had been tricked and now I had no idea where Victoria was. My mind thought back to the week before when I found myself at the fork in the trail. One had gone south, one had gone north. I knew exactly where Victoria had gone.

I saw how she did it to. It was so elementary now that I wasn't distracted by the hunt. She'd laid the trail south and flagged down the man in the truck. She let him drive her a mile and then re traced her steps back to the original trail. Hadn't I tried this same trick on James last year. End up in the last place you should be, the place your hunter would expect you to go?

I punched a palm tree so hard the sand could not keep the roots buried and it fell into the wet forest behind it. I didn't know what to do. It was too late for me to get back to Forks in time. Victoria would surely be there by now, she'd had a week to get back.

If only I had Jacob's phone number. I could call, tell him I'd failed and he needed to keep an extra close eye on her until I got back. Protect her for me. I would be indebted to him forever, but there would be no price too high for Bella's safety. But I had no way to call him.

Then I remembered my family was in Denali. It was only a days run from Alaska to Forks, Alice could go. She could bring Emmett and Carlisle. Bella could be safe until I got there. It would be afternoon there now. My family could be in Forks by midnight. I hoped it was enough time.

I reached down for my phone, but it buzzed before I could reach it. I smiled. Maybe Alice had already seen this plan and they were on the way there now. Maybe they were already there. It was a long shot but, maybe.

I looked down at the phone number. It wasn't Alice. It was Rosalie.

I flipped open the phone, frustrated but glad she could at least hand the phone to Alice.

"Rose!" I said urgently into the phone.

She cut me off. "Edward. I'm calling because I can't stand this any more. I can't stand Esme grieving constantly and Carlisle's pain and Alice moping around. Emmett is a completely different person now. The life is gone from our family Edward. Please come back."

"Rosalie, I don't have time for this now. Give the phone to Alice." I hissed.

"She's not here. Edward, please come home."

"She's not there? Where'd she go?" I asked, excitement in my voice. Had she gone to Forks after all?

"Stop changing the subject. I understand you're grieving but this is ridiculous, Edward. You're just being selfish now. Everyone is being effected. Jasper can't get over his guilt. He thinks it's his fault, he blames himself for everyone's pain. But it's you, Edward. Come home! Think of Esme. Think of Carlisle. Think of Alice. Think of anyone besides yourself!"

"I'm not thinking of myself!" I screamed at her. "I'm thinking of Bella. She needs me right now. She's in danger! Victoria is in Forks! Now where is Alice!"

"Bella is not in danger. She wont ever be again. Alice is in Forks."

"Good. Call her and let her know I'm on my way. She can take Bella away and I'll take care of Victoria."

"Alice isn't in Forks to protect Bella, she's in Forks to help Charlie with the funeral. Bella's dead, Edward. She threw herself off a cliff this morning. Alice saw her hit the water and never saw her come up. She drown."

The phone fell from my hand, and I fell after it. My body was dead. The weight of the misery finally won. It crushed me. Only one thought crossed my mind, was able to surface through the thick fog. The Volturi.

I peeled myself off the ground and pushed myself through the fog to the airport, choking from the weight the entire way.


	14. Chapter 13 Alice

Chapter 13

When I put the phone back on the receiver, Jasper put his hand on my arm. We were flying over Canada, only 30 minutes from descending into Anchorage. My mind was exhausted. I'd spent the last three days following Edward across the United States as he chased Victoria. Seeing her was difficult. She knew how my gift worked and she never made a real decision as to where she was going. She changed her mind so frequently I couldn't keep up with the visions.

Worse than watching Victoria was trying not to watch Bella. It was as though the girl had a death wish. Riding motorcycles and hiking all over the Forks wilderness alone. I tried everything I could to keep my focus away from her but every time I let my focus slip for even a moment, her future flashed in my mind. Or worse, started to and then disappeared. Something was happening down at La Push that was blocking my vision, or leaving her future up to chance.

I hated the blindness. Every time I lost her I'd focus harder to find her again, then I'd remember Edward told me not to look for her and I'd stop, struggling to keep her away from me. It was exhausting. If I didn't know with every fiber of my being that Edward would rip me apart and burn me if I watched Bella, I wouldn't bother keeping her out. As it was, I fought very hard not to see.

"What's wrong, love?" Jasper asked.

"I can't see anything." I said.

"He can't blame you for not being able to see Victoria. You put to much responsibility on yourself, try to see too much. Things are bound to slip through."

"I know. I just wish I could help him. I want Bella to be safe too."

"I know you do." He smiled, squeezing my arm a little and then looked out the window.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the head rest. Edward said he physically saw Victoria board a plane to Brazil, but my visions showed her in an entirely different place. I'd seen her in a desert and in the mountains and in the wet forests of the pacific northwest, but never anything that looked like the rain forests or beaches of South America. Perhaps these decisions were made for far into the future or I was entirely wrong. Either way, Edward was running blind.

I concentrated on Victoria, trying to see anything around her but I couldn't. As I threw more and more of my focus into my visions, I slipped and Bella forced her way into my mind.

The plane landed in Anchorage and Jasper took me by the hand, leading me off the plane. Carlisle and Esme walked behind us as we approached Rosalie and Emmett. There had only been two first class seats on the flight and Rosalie had refused to fly coach. Carlisle suggested taking a different flight, but I told him it had to be this one. The vision wasn't complete but I saw that we needed to be in Denali at this time. I had no idea why but we had to be here, another hole.

We walked through the airport and passed the gate. Tanya and Kate were there waiting for us.

"Carlisle." Tanya said, throwing her arms out in welcome.

"Tanya." He smiled, though it did not reach his eyes. He turned to the left. "Kate."

"What is it, Carlisle? is everything alright?" Kate asked, concerned.

"In the sense that most of my family is alive and well, yes." He said.

"Most of your family?" Tanya asked.

"Where is Edward?" Kate added, looking to each of us in turn. Carlisle's smile faded and Esme's breathing became sharper, more labored.

"He's in Brazil." I said, trying to smile. "He's... traveling currently." I hadn't told Esme or Carlisle about Victoria. I didn't want them to worry about him more than they already did.

"He's still grieving over the human then?" Tanya asked.

"We all are." Said Esme, a little too firmly.

"Well," Kate began. "Lets all hope he finds the solace he needs in his travels."

Carlisle nodded and we followed Kate and Tanya from the airport into the surrounding forest. They sped off to the north and we went after them. Half an hour later we arrived at their cabin, locked away deep into the mountains. Eleazar and Carmen were waiting for us on the front porch, their faces warm with welcome.

"Carlisle! Esme!" Carmen beamed at us. Carlisle walked up the front steps and embraced her, then he turned and grasped Eleazar's arm.

"Please, come in!" He said, gesturing to the house.

"Actually, it's been awhile since we've hunted. Emmett is particularly fond of the big game of the northwest. Do you mind if we make a quick trip?" Carlisle asked.

"Of course!" Eleazar said joyously. "We'll all go!" He turned and closed the door and my family looked towards the woods.

"I'm going to stay behind." I said, moving towards the stairs.

"Alice, your eyes." Esme said worriedly.

"I need to be alone for awhile." I said. I hoped this would give me the opportunity to see things I'd been missing.

"I was hoping we could make this a weekend, Alice." Carlisle said.

"And please do!" I said. "I'll be fine here. I'll hunt close by if I need to." Esme came and brushed her hand against my cheek.

"Alright dear. If you hear from Edward..."

"I'll be sure to send him your love." I promised.

"I think, I'll stay too." Rosalie said, her eyes still faintly golden around the edges of her onyx eyes.

"You don't have to, Rose. I'll be fine."

"No, I'd like to. Please, Alice."

I nodded and she turned to follow me in the house. We hugged Esme and Carlisle. Jasper came and squeezed me tightly. His lips lingered on mine for a moment.

"I'll be right back to you." he said.

"I love you." I replied.

He hugged me again and ran to Carlisle's side. Rosalie and I waved as our family disappeared into the trees. We walked into the house and sat in the overstuffed furniture. Rosalie looked around the room bored, eying the bookcase, questioningly.

"You didn't have to stay." I said to Rosalie.

"I wanted to." she said and then looked at me imploringly. "I don't want to be around them now. I can't take it anymore. Esme and Carlisle's pain. All the humor has gone out of Emmett and Jasper moaps around too, though he isn't as blatant about it. I just can't handle it for another second, I hate seeing their pain. Does that make me selfish?" I asked.

"No." I answered after a long pause. "I suppose it doesn't. But you haven't been yourself much either." I pointed out.

"I suppose." She answered. "This is all Edward's fault. Why can't he just move on already. It's been six months."

"I only see two futures for him." I said. "One, he continues wandering miserable and alone or two, he goes back to Bella. The second one has been getting more and more clear each day. I don't think it'll be long now."

"Great." Rosalie hissed.

I rolled my eyes and rested my head against the couch, searching through visions in my mind. Emmett would find a bear fifty miles to the north. Jasper would challenge him to a fight that night, but Esme would stop them before there would be a winner. Edward would be getting on a plane any minute. Victoria would be in a lush green meadow, no running through a field of dead grass, no the meadow, no...

"UGH!" I said allowed and refocused into my visions, more intently then before. I threw all of my focus into my additional sight.

I could see Victoria now, more clearly than I had so far. She was running through a large field next to a highway, passing into the trees. I recognized the land. She was running onto the Quileute reservation.

Suddenly the vision changed. It was a completely different time of day, the light was coming from a strange angle. It was morning. Was it the same day? I couldn't be sure.

I saw Bella's truck driving down the highway, she passed across the Quileute border. The vision went hazy just as it always did. I was about to pull back into consciousness. Maybe if I went hunting, lightened my eyes if only by a small degree, I could concentrate better. Just before I pull away from the haze, it changed. Colors started to show through and shapes appeared. I refocused on them.

Bella was on the beach, watching her Quileute friend walk around the corner. She turned away, looking nervous, her eyes focused on the cliffs in the distance. Suddenly, she stood and marched towards them, stumbling along the way. She climbed the hillside until she stood on the edge of the cliff, over looking the water. What was she doing?

I felt a wave of shame, I wasn't supposed to be watching her like this, Edward would be furious. But I couldn't pull away. It'd been so long since I'd had any vision as clear as this. It was soothing to finally be able to see.  
She continued staring, looking as though she was trying to make a decision about something. Behind her I could see an unnatural movement in the bushes. For a moment, I took my focus off of Bella and concentrated on the movement. I saw a gust of wind blow a cloud of fiery red hair from the branches. Victoria.

I gasped out loud but refused to come out of my vision. I needed to see it. I wasn't breathing as Victoria stepped out of the trees. My whole body felt too solid, too heavy. It hurt, needing to go to her but I was stuck where I was. I had no idea how far into the future this was. Tomorrow? Next week? In an hour. It didn't matter. I'd never get to her on time.

Victoria edged closer. Bella didn't register the movement, her silent footsteps unnoticed. I cringed as Victoria got closer, only six feet away now. There would be no challenge, just a light spring and she'd be on top of her.

I saw Victoria tense, ready for her attack but she stopped. I couldn't understand what had happened. The wind blew and she stood straight, obviously smelling something on the air. She turned wildly to find the strange scent, her nose wrinkled in disgust. When she didn't see anything she turned back to Bella, but it was too late.

Bella held her arms wide to the sides, took two long bounds and leaped from the cliff's edge.

"NO!" I yelled. Though I didn't know if I had actually said it. The outside world seemed non existent at the moment, I was entirely engrossed in my vision, terror and grief holding me to it.

Bella sailed down the side of the cliff, speeding towards the water. There was no terror on her face. Not at first. She had not been force off the edge, she had not noticed Victoria's presence. This was a suicide.

She opened her eyes and the excitement disappeared as she saw the water. She began to struggle against the air as she fell faster towards the gray stormy waters below. I could do nothing. I saw her hit the water, she was immediately pulled under. For a moment I saw her struggling, trying to force her way to the surface but then her struggles became weaker until eventually, she disappeared.

The last I saw of the nightmarish vision was the wave of red fiery curls blowing above the water, looking down at Bella's death. As they disappeared back into the trees, so did the vision.

I awoke and Rosalie was kneeling beside me, her face hysterical.

"What is it?" She shrieked.

"Bella!" I yelled. "She jumped. She was on the cliff and she jumped. I saw her sink in the water below and then she was gone." I threw myself into Rosalie's arms, pounding my fists against her stone chest.

"She's gone! She's gone!" I yelled repeatedly. Rosalie cupped my head with her hands, rubbing her palms in my hair soothingly, but I would not allow myself to be comforted. A strange labored breathing began in my chest, sobs. It was like Esme when she cried. I'd never felt this before and it scared me.

It took me a moment to over come the sobs. When they stopped I pushed away from Rosalie violently.

"No!" I yelled. "I don't know that she's gone! There could still be time. I have to go to Forks. If there's any chance I can stop it, I have to."

Rosalie looked at me with wide eyes, they showed real concern. "Do you think you'll get there in time."

My face fell, I allowed myself the honest answer.

"No." I said. "I wont. It's going to happen. I saw it clearly than I've seen anything in months." I felt the sobs coming again, but I pushed them away. I couldn't stand the crushing pain in my chest.

"Charlie will need help with the funeral." I whispered, pain in my voice. Rosalie nodded.

"Do you think you should call Edward?" She asked.

"No. This will kill him. We can't tell him. Maybe when he's moved on, when he doesn't feel the pain he feels now, we'll tell him."

"But you said he was going back to her." Rosalie said.

"I've been wrong before." I said. "We just have to hope."

"I'll stop him. Let me take care of it."

I nodded and went to the door. It took me a moment and a few deep breaths but I swung it open and sprinted off the porch. I was running through the woods, my mind racing. What would I say to Charlie? I'd just happened to come into town the day Bella had died? And what about my family? How had I gotten there?

I decided just showing up would raise to many suspicions. I would have to stop and take Carlisle's car. It was late when I got into Wasilla. The storage unit was closed. I was going to have to break in and steal the car.

I hopped over the gate and ran to the correct unit. There was a thick padlock holding the door closed but I broke it easily. The black Mercedes was cold and quiet. I didn't have a key so I pushed it out of the unit and hot wired it. When the engine roared to life I sped through the street until I got to the gate. I didn't have time to figure out the lock. I darted out of the Mercedes, to quickly for the security cameras to register, and ripped the gate open.

There was a loud sound and I pushed the pedal hard down onto the floor and sped from Wasilla. Every second of the long drive was agony, my mind could only to easily calculate the time passing as I drove around each turn towards the US, and the more I thought of the time, the slower it passed.

I boarded a ferry and sailed under the decks towards Forks. The slow speed of the vessel crossing the water was almost to much. Several times I thought of diving off the boat and swimming the rest of the way. When we docked I drove with as much speed as I could coax out of the engine.

It was the middle of the day when I arrived in Forks, though it was almost impossible to tell. The thick cover of clouds completely blocked the sunlight and it was impossible to tell the time of day. A storm was coming. It matched the vision in my dream. Bella would have only died maybe an hour ago. Would Charlie know yet?

I pulled in front of Bella's house, but it was empty, the windows cold and dark. I decided it would be best to wait inside as if I had come for a visit. When Charlie got home, he would find me here and I would allow him to tell me of Bella's death. It would only be appropriate then to offer my help. I pictured Charlie walking into the house. He would be a broken man, I could start to feel the strange sobs once more.

I stepped out of the car and walked slowly up the once familiar path to the house. It was cold, unwelcoming. I didn't know if this was really it's state or if it was my state of mind reflecting off the scenery.

I entered the dark house and stared around. Her scent filled my head and my throat burned. The burn intensified the grief, I'd never feel that burn again, not from her. It was more tidy inside than usual. Charlie was never one for keeping house and usually there would be a dish in the sink and a newspaper folded on the couch, but it was not the case now. There was no clutter in the room at all. It made the house feel more lonely.

I stood, staring around the dark room for only a moment before I heard the sound of a car pulling up the street. When I head it turn into the driveway, I figured it had to be Charlie. I had to pull it together. This was supposed to be a happy visit, I tried to arrange my face into a smile. It was impossible, so I settled for showing no emotion at all. It was better than pain.

There were voices outside, but I couldn't distinguish what they were trying to say, too much of my focus was spent on my face. And I really had no desire to hear them anyway. I only wanted to say good bye to Bella and do right by Charlie. Then I'd leave and never come back to this miserable town again.

The footsteps approached the door and for a moment they confused me, they were to light for Charlie. Had he brought a guest home with him? I hadn't prepared for that. The door slowly opened, and my breath caught in my chest as I saw the milk chocolate eyes staring at me, wide in amazement.

Bella hurled herself at me, slamming hard into my stomach. I worried if she hurt herself. She was holding tightly to me, tears spilling from her eyes.

"Alice, oh Alice!" She cried.

"Bella?" I whispered. Relief, confusion, joy. They all washed over me at once. I wanted to hold her too, to crush her against me. But I was frozen.

Her breathing became rough and the sobs harder as she breathed in hard, smelling me. I pulled her from the place we stood and placed her on the couch. She didn't stop crying so I held her next to me and ran my fingers across her back until her breathing became more even.  
"I'm... sorry." She said through her tears. "I'm just... so happy... to see you!"

I held her closer. "It's okay, Bella. Everything's okay." I didn't know if it was for her or for me.

"Yes." She gasped.

I looked at her, really seeing her for the first time. She was a mess, though I supposed jumping off cliffs and nearly drowning would do that to you. Her face was very red, tears spilling across her face.

"I'd forgotten how exuberant you are." I said, disapprovingly.

She looked at me and a worried look crossed her face. She pulled away from me and only then did I realize how tight my mouth was, how I'd been pulling my face from her.

"Oh." She said, seeing the darkness in my eyes. "Sorry."

"It's my own fault." I said. "It's been too long since I hunted. I shouldn't let myself get so thirsty. But I was in a hurry today." The images of the interminably long drive flashed through my mind and for the first time since Bella walked through the door, I remembered why I was here.

"Speaking of which, would you like to explain to me how you're alive?"

She swallowed. "You saw me fall." She said guiltily.

I glared at her and my tone was perhaps a little to hard. "I saw you jump." Bella pursed her lips together and her eyes darted around as she tried to find an acceptable explanation. I shook my head, suddenly angry.

"I told him this would happen! But he didn't believe me. 'Bella promised'. 'Don't be looking for her future either, we've done enough damage'." It sickened me to remember his words. To think how close Bella had come to dying because he'd been so wrong all these months.

"But just because I'm not looking doesn't mean I don't see." I'd forgotten Bella was in the room and when she shifted I almost jumped. I turned to her. "I wasn't keeping tabs on you, I swear, Bella. It's just that I'm already attuned to you... when I saw you jumping I just..." My mind raced through excuses before Bella could register my pause. Edward would be furious if I'd let Bella know how close we were to her. I kept it simple, vague. "I just got on a plane. I knew I would be too late, but I couldn't do nothing. And then I get here, thinking maybe I could help Charlie somehow, and you drive up." I shook my head, confused, as I realized Bella had never answered my previous question.

"I saw you go into the water and I waited and waited for you to come up but you didn't. What happened?" I was suddenly angry again. "And how could you do that to Charlie? Did you stop to think what this would do to him? And my brother! Do you have any idea what Edward-"

"Alice, I wasn't committing suicide." she said, cutting me off.

My eyes narrowed. "Are you saying you didn't jump off a cliff?" I knew she had, I could tell by looking at her.

"No, but... It was for recreational purposes only."

My face went hard, but she went on.

"I'd seen some of Jacob's friends cliff diving. It looked like... fun, and I was bored." She looked at me expectantly but I didn't say anything. I wasn't buying it.

"I didn't think about how the storm would affect the currents." She explained. "Actually, I didn't think about the water much at all." My expression didn't change. She continued to scramble for an answer, seeing I didn't believe her.

"So if you saw me go in, why didn't you see Jacob?" She asked. This surprised me. I knew Jacob as the Quileute boy who had walked away from her in the beginning of my vision. Had I been wrong? Had he jumped with her? It didn't make sense.

"It's true that I probably would have drowned if Jacob hadn't jumped in after me. Well, okay, there's no probably about it. But he did, and he pulled me out, and I guess he towed me back to shore, though I was kind of out for that part. It couldn't have been more than a minute that I was under before he grabbed me. How come you didn't see that?"

I frowned. "Someone pulled you out?"  
"Yes, Jacob saved me."

This didn't make sense with my vision at all, something was wrong. I concentrated on her, trying to find a lie in her eyes. I couldn't, but my sudden focus on my senses picked up something else. I smelled her and she froze under me. I rolled my eyes.

"Don't be ridiculous." I said, breathing in deeply again. It smelled faintly of... that wolf. The wolf from last fall...

"What are you doing?"

I didn't answer her. My questions were more important at the moment.

"Who was with you just now? It sounded like you were arguing."

"Jacob Black." She answered. "He's... sort of my best friend, I guess. At least, he was." Her face became worried.

I nodded, thinking through stories Carlisle had told me. The Quileutes and the wolves. Was Bella paling around with werewolves now?

"What?" She asked at my silence.

"I don't know." I answered. "I'm not sure what it means."

"Well, I'm not dead at least." She said, trying to lighten my mood.

I rolled my eyes, she was not helping my mood. "He was a fool to think you could survive alone. I've never seen anyone so prone to life threatening idiocy."

Her face was hard. "I survived." She pointed out.

But my mind was racing through other thoughts. I'd need to convince Edward that she should not be left alone here.. but how. He was already going to kill me once he found out I'd come here. And the werewolf problem. I wondered if Bella was aware of the strange mutation of the Quileutes.

"So, if the currents were to strong for you, how did this Jacob manage?"

She counted my question with a vague answer. "Jacob is.. strong." I raised my eyebrows.

She chewed her lip before she answered. "See, well he's... sort of a werewolf." She said. "The Quileutes turn into wolves when there are vampires around. They know Carlisle from a long time ago. Were you with Carlisle back then?"

I blinked, she did know about the werewolves. Why was there no trace of fear in her voice. Then I remembered she was sitting inches away from a vampire... Bella never showed fear when she should.

"Well, I guess that explains the smell." I muttered. "But does it explain what I didn't see?" I was muttering more to myself now.

"The smell?" she asked.

"You smell awful." I said, still absorbed in my thoughts. "A werewolf, are you sure about that?" Now that I thought about it, I could swear I remembered Carlisle saying something about the gene being extinct with Ephraim Black, the old Quileute chief.

"Very sure. I guess you weren't with Carlisle the last time there were werewolves here in Forks."

"No, I hadn't found him yet." Suddenly the weight of her words settled in on me. "Your best friend is a werewolf?" I asked incredulously.

She nodded.

"How long has this been going on?"

Her face became stubborn, defensive. "Not long. He's only been a werewolf for just a few weeks."

I frowned. So there was more than one werewolf in Forks and new young ones at that.

"A young werewolf? That's even worse! Edward was right- you're a magnet for danger. Weren't you supposed to be staying out of trouble?"

"There's nothing wrong with werewolves."

I shook my head, I'd heard enough of werewolves to know better. "Until they lose their tempers. Leave it to you, Bella. Anyone else would be better off when the vampires left town. But you have to start hanging out with the first monsters you can find."

"No, Alice. The vampires didn't really leave. Not all of them anyway. That's the whole trouble. If it weren't for the werewolves, Victoria would've gotten me by now. Well if it weren't for Jake and his friends, Laurent would have gotten me before she could I guess, so-"

I cut her off. If she knew about Victoria and Laurent, why didn't she call me? Call Edward? We could've taken care of this months ago, and saved so much of Edward's worry.

"Victoria? Laurent?" I asked, hoping to guilt her into an answer.

"Danger magnet, remember?"

She misunderstood my question, how irritating. I tried again.

"Tell me everything. Start at the beginning."

She told me everything that had happened over the last few months and though I knew she'd left parts out, the things that she didn't were enough to worry me. Why had there been so many holes in my vision to prevent me from seeing these things.

"Our leaving didn't do you any good at all did it?" I asked, ashamed.

She laughed. "That was never the point though was it? It's not like you left for my benefit."

I scowled. She was right. In the end, it wasn't in her best interest that we left. It was in Jasper's, in Edward's, mine, my whole family.

"Well... I guess I acted impulsively today. I probably shouldn't have intruded."

Her face turned white and her body seemed to turn in on itself. "Don't go, Alice." She whispered. Her breathing became uneven, fearful. Her fingers grasped the fabric of my shirt. "Please don't leave me." There was panic in her voice.

How could I not give her what she wanted, she who I had hurt so much. "Alright, I'm not going anywhere tonight. Take a deep breath." I rubbed her back again.

She struggled, but eventually returned her breathing to normal.

"You look like hell, Bella." I said.

She looked up at me. "I drowned today."

I shook my head. "It goes a lot deeper than that. You're a mess." It was true. Everything about her had deteriorated since the last time I saw her.

She flinched, pained by the criticism. "Look." She said defensively, "I'm doing my best."

"What do you mean?" I asked, concern coming to my face again.

"It hasn't been easy. I'm working on it."

I frowned, anger boiling again. "I told him." I growled.

"Alice." She said. "What did you think you were going to find? I mean, besides me dead. Did you expect to find me skipping around, whistling show tunes? You know me better than that."

"I do." I admitted. "But I hoped."

"Then I guess I don't have the corner on the idiocy market."

The phone rang. Bella grabbed me by the hand and dragged me into the kitchen with her. I listened to her conversation with Jacob, watching her face as she spoke.

"That's going to be a problem." she said as she hung up the phone.

"They aren't excited I'm here?"  
"Not especially. But it's none of their business anyway." She said.

I wrapped her in a one arm hug, trying to cheer my mood. "So what do we do now? Things to do, lose ends to tie."

"What things to do?"

I thought about my response very carefully. "I don't know for sure. I need to see Carlisle."

Her face fell. "Can you stay, please? For just a little while. I've missed you so much."

I frowned. "If you think that's a good idea."

"I do!" she said, firmly. "You can stay here, Charlie would love that."

"I have a house, Bella."

She nodded but I could see the misery on her face.

"Well, I need to go get a suitcase of clothes, at the very least."

She threw herself at me. "Alice, you're the best!"

Her scent filled my head again, stronger this time. "And I think I'll need to hunt. Immediately." The burn was so intense in my throat it worried me.

She stepped away from me. "Oops."

"Can you stay out of trouble for one hour?" I asked. I didn't wait for an answer. I closed my eyes and looked through her future, seeing her do nothing but shower and re heat dinner for Charlie.

"Yes, you'll be fine. For tonight anyway."

"You'll come back?"

"I promise. One hour." I kissed her on the cheek and darted out the door.

When I returned an hour later, Bella was in the kitchen. There was a pillow and blanket on the couch, though she knew I wouldn't need them. She walked into the room a few moments after I arrived, smiling when she saw me. I patted the pillow.

"Thanks." I said.

"You're early." She smiled. She sat down and put her head on my shoulder.

"Bella what are we going to do with you?"  
"I don't know." She said. "I really have been trying my hardest."

"I believe you." I said, running my fingers through her damp hair.

"Does... Does he.." She was struggling for words. "Does Edward know you're here?"

"No."

"He's not with Carlisle and Esme?" Her voice was worried. My mouth tasted bitter. He didn't deserve her concern.

"He checks in every few months." I lied.

"Oh. You said you flew here. Where did you come from?" Her question caught me off guard, and I slipped.

"I was in Denali. Visiting Tanya's family." My eyes shifted nervously. I didn't know how she was going to take this news. Would it upset her? Would she ask me to take her there?

"Is Jasper here? Did he come with you?"

I shook my head. Jasper wouldn't be happy with my trip here either. He was on Edward's side, we should leave Bella alone, for her own good. "He didn't approve of my interfering. We promised.." I was giving to much away, I was going to get myself in trouble, or worse hurt Bella even more.

"And you think Charlie wont mind me being here?"

"Charlie thinks you're wonderful, Alice."

I could hear his car pulling onto the road. "Well, we're about to find out." When Charlie's car pulled into the driveway, Bella ran to open the door for him. I stayed in the living room to give her a moment to warm him up to me.

I didn't listen to the words of their conversation, just the tone. When there was a break in the conversation, I went to the doorway. He was staring at me, wide eyed.

"Hi, Charlie." I said, quietly. "I'm sorry I came at such a bad time."

"Alice Cullen?" He asked in disbelief. "Alice, is that you?"

"It's me." I said. "I was in the neighborhood."

"Is Carlisle.."

"No, I'm alone." Everyone in the room heard him say Carlisle, but everyone knew he meant Edward. Bella looked up at him, hopeful.

"She can stay here, can't she?" She asked. "I already asked her."

"Of course." Charlie said. "We'd love to have you, Alice."

"Thank you, Charlie, I know it's horrid timing."

"No, it's fine really. I'm going to be to be really busy doing what I can for Harry's family; it will be nice for Bella to have some company."

"There's dinner on the table for you, dad." Bella said.

"Thanks, Bell." Charlie hugged her and shuffled off into the kitchen. I figured they should be alone for dinner, this was a difficult time for their family, but when I walked off towards the living room, Bella followed me.

I sat on the couch and looked at her. She looked exhausted. The shower had cleaned her of the remainders of the ocean but she still looked like the hollow Bella that'd walked through the door.

I pulled her next to me. "You look tired."

"Yeah." She yawned. "So what does Carlisle think of you being here?"

"He doesn't know. He and Esme are on a hunting trip. I'll hear from him in a few days when he gets back."

"You wont tell him though... when he checks in." She asked, hey eyes glassy now. I knew the him wasn't Carlisle.

"No." I said darkly. "He'd bite my head off."

She laughed a low, hollow laugh and sighed. She sat next to me for awhile, obviously trying to fight off sleep, but she couldn't. Eventually, she was snuggling into my side, a quite snore escaping her breath. I laid her on the couch and threw the pillows over her. Charlie was still in the kitchen, waiting for me. I knew he had questions about our departure. Might as well get it over with.

The conversation started pleasant. He asked me about what we had been up to and how Carlisle and Esme were. It was as if he was trying to avoid speaking of Edward, but he couldn't avoid the subject the whole night if he wanted some answers. When his name finally came up, his face fell. I could see hurt in his eyes.

"How bad was it, Charlie?" I asked, almost scared to hear his answer.

He sighed. "Real bad."

"Tell me about it. I want to know exactly what happened when we left." I got up to take the coffee off the stove, putting away the tin can as I pulled the pot off the burner. He sighed when I placed the cup in front of him.

"I've never felt so helpless. I didn't know what to do. That first week I thought I was going to have to hospitalize her. She wouldn't eat or drink, she wouldn't move. Dr. Gerandy was throwing words around like catatonic, but I didn't let him up to see her. I was afraid it would scare her."

I thought about Edward the first week, laying in the bed in Tanya's cabin. He hadn't moved either. He just stayed their, perfectly still with his eyes closed, muttering her name over and over again.

"She snapped out of it thought?"

"I had Renee come to take her to Florida. I just didn't want to be the one... if she had to go to the hospital or something. I hoped being with her mother would help, but when we started packing her clothes, she woke up with a vengeance. I've never seen Bella throw a fit like that. She was never one for tantrums, but, boy, did she fly into a fury. She threw her clothes everywhere and screamed that we couldn't make her leave, and then she finally started crying. I thought that would be the turning point. I didn't argue when she insisted on staying here... and she did seem to get better.. at first."

He stopped. "But?" I asked, coaxing him on.

"She went back to school and work, she ate and slept and did her homework. She answered when someone asked her a direct question. But she was... empty."

Empty... that's how I'd described Edward so many times to Esme.

"Her eyes were blank. There were lots of little things. She wouldn't listen to music anymore, I found a lot of broken CD's in the trash. She didn't read. She wouldn't be in the same room when the TV was on, not that she watched it much before. I finally figured it out. She was avoiding everything that might remind her of... him."

I nodded. This was healthier than Edward's approach, spending all his time lying in bed with her shirt over his face. Lost in fantasies of his past life of her. Perhaps that's why Bella was moving on, and he wasn't.

"We could hardly talk." Charlie went on. "I was so afraid of saying something that would upset her. The littlest things would make her flinch, and she never volunteered anything. She would just answer if I asked her something. She was alone all the time. She never called her friends back, and after awhile, they stopped calling. It was night of the living dead around here. I still hear her screaming in her sleep."

That cut me. Her pain haunted her so badly she couldn't even escape from it in her dreams, even now.

"I'm so sorry, Charlie." I choked.

"It's not _your_ fault. You were always a good friend to her."

"She seems better thought." I said, hoping for his affirmation.

"Yeah. Ever since she started hanging out with Jacob Black, I've noticed a real improvement.  
She has some color in her cheeks when she comes home, some light in her eyes. She's happier. He's a year or so younger than her, and I know she used to think of him as a friend, but I think maybe it's  
something more now, or headed that direction, anyway." I heard the warning in his voice. It was not meant to threaten me, but a message for Edward.

"Jake's old for his years. He's taken care of his father physically the way Bella took care of her mother emotionally. It matured him. He's a good-looking kid, too ¬takes after his mom's side. He's good for Bella, you know,"

"Then it's good she has him." I smiled.

"Okay, so I guess that's overstating things. I don't know... even with Jacob, now and then I see  
something in her eyes, and I wonder if I've ever grasped how much pain she's really in. It's not  
normal, Alice, and it... it frightens me. Not normal at all. Not like someone... left her, but  
like someone died." Tears came to his eyes.

I looked down. I had so wanted to believe his lie.

He continued. "I don't know if she's going to get over it¬ I'm not sure if it's in her nature to heal from something like this. She's always been such a constant little thing. She doesn't get past things, change her mind."

"She's one of a kind." I muttered, imitating the word Edward had so often spoken in admiration of her.

"And Alice..." Charlie hesitated. "Now, you know how fond I am of you, and I can tell that  
she's happy to see you, but... I'm a little worried about what your visit will do to her."

"So am I, Charlie... So am I. I wouldn't have come if I had any idea. I'm sorry." I couldn't bear the thought of my visit launching Bella back into the catatonic state of her first week without Edward.

"Don't apologize, honey. Who knows? Maybe your visit will be good for her."

"I hope your right." I said.

He paused for awhile and then looked at me sternly. "Alice, I have to ask you something."

"Go ahead."

"He's not coming back to visit too, is he?" He said angrily.

I smiled at him. "He doesn't even know I'm here. The last time I spoke with him, he was in South America."

"That's something at least." Charlie said. "Well, I hope he's enjoying himself." His voice showed that he had no doubts in his mind that Edward was off enjoying some foreign holiday. It made me angry.

"I wouldn't make assumptions, Charlie." I hissed. He stared at me in shock for a moment and then got up to rinse his cup out in the sink. A noise came from the living room. Bella sat up and yawned.

"Alice?" She asked sleepily.

"I'm in the kitchen, Bella." I called to her. She came into the kitchen and Charlie excused himself. He left for the Clearwater's.

It was difficult to lie to Bella. I couldn't see any harm and telling her about what my family was really doing, but Edward was already going to be furious with me. Perhaps if I painted some happy picture of my family for her, he would forgive me.

I said we moved to New York and Carlisle was teaching at Cornell, Esme was restoring a historical monument and Rosalie and Emmett had left for Europe. I decided it wouldn't be to much to tell her what I'd been doing. He couldn't hold that against me.

"My name was Mary Alice Brandon." I told her and launched into the story of my old family and what I had found out about my birth as a vampire. She listened intently while I went on, but she eventually turned the subject back to my family. Her obsessive interest worried me, this visit really was a bad idea. I never said anything about Edward. It seemed a cruel joke to lie about his happiness, but I couldn't let her know about his pain either.

We spent the next day talking about her life, though she seemed to have hardly been living it. I followed her around making small talk with her as she cleaned the house.

We were in the bathroom when the doorbell rang downstairs. I jumped, I hadn't seen anyone. Then the wolf smell wafted up the stairs.

"Bella, I have a fairly good guess who that might be and I think I'd better step out."

"Guess?" She asked confused.  
"If this is a repeat of my egregious lapse in foresight yesterday, then it's most likely Jacob  
Black or one of his... friends."

"You can't see the werewolves?"

"So it would seem." I said annoyed.

Bella's face got worried. "You don't have to go anywhere, Alice. You were here first."

I laughed. "Trust me. It wouldn't be a good idea to have me and Jacob Black in a room together." I kissed her on the cheeks and bolted to her room, jumping lightly from the window and running to the trees. I listened to the voices in the house.

They mostly talked about me. My presence in Forks worried Jacob but in the end he accepted that I was a part of Bella's life too, or at least that I wouldn't be here long. The phone rang in the house and the shrill bell sound sparked something in me.

Pictures began running across my head. Edward... a plane.. the Volturi. He was going to Italy and he wasn't planning on coming back. I shook the vision from my head and ran into the house.

I entered through the back door and I heard a sudden scrapping against wood and heavy footfalls. Bella was yelling in shock.

"Shoot, ow!"

They came through the kitchen, Jacob holding Bella. He stopped when he saw me, setting her down and standing in front of her. Bella's eyes went wide when she saw my face.

"Bella." I managed to say.

She scrambled around Jacob and came to stand next to me, worried.

"Alice, what's wrong?" she reached up and touched my face.

Her touch jerked me out of the vision replaying in my mind. I stared down at her.

"Edward." It was all I could say.


	15. Chapter 14 Contingency Plans

Chapter 14

She had brown eyes. I remembered that. Milk, chocolate brown eyes that were deep and warm. She had full, soft pink lips and the top one was slightly fuller than the bottom one. Her skin was smooth, milky white, and it flushed the most beautiful color of pink at the slightest provocation. Her hair was a brown crown of lush thick waves, soft and fragrant. I could remember each detail about her perfectly, recalling every texture and temperature of her body. Why then couldn't I see her face?

I'd sat with her pillowcase over my face but it didn't release me from the pain of reality, it brought me into a harsher pain of nightmares. Instead of re living all of our best moments together, I was reliving every moment I wished I could forget. That first day I'd met her and almost killed her. Port Angeles and those sexually starved men on the dock. James. Her birthday. The Funeral March.

The day in the forest when I'd left her. It replayed over and over again in my mind.

_"Take care of yourself, for him."_

_"I will." _

She had promised me. She promised and she lied, lied in the worst possible way. I'd asked her not to be reckless and she'd one up'd my request. She'd killed herself. I wanted to grab her and shake her, demand to know how she could do this to me, hurt me so entirely. I couldn't though. I would never touch her again. It was a sick irony. I'd gotten everything I wanted, and lost everything at the same time. I would never touch Bella again, no one ever would. I had killed her.

A wave of pain shuttered through me so violently, I physically could not hide it. It was like being electrocuted, I could feel the pain in every pore of my body. I couldn't arrive in Italy soon enough, I yearned for death, for a release from this pain.

I got up from my seat and locked myself in the small airplane bathroom. I shred Bella's pillowcase into such tiny pieces, it was as though I was holding a soft, cotton powder in my hands. I threw them in the toilet and flushed, watching them sink away from me.

When I sat down, the stewardess came to me and asked if I would like anything. My eyes flashed violently at her. I didn't care what the consequences were. They couldn't hurt me. Even if they burned me alive, the pain would be a happy relief from what I felt now. There was nothing left in me. I was a hollow shell of what I once was. Every part of me had died with Bella and had been replaced with this torturous pain.

This was all my fault of course. I deserved every ounce of this pain. I drove her to her suicide. I'd snared her in my selfishness, hurt her when I'd abandoned her, left her unprotected against danger after danger. It was more than any human could have been asked to handle. I might as well have been standing behind her on that cliff with a fire hot poker, edging her over. I had killed my Bella.

I hoped I could convince the Volturi to kill me violently. I could probably get Jane to torture me first. Maybe Felix would pull me apart slowly. Tear me by each knuckle, then each finger and up to each joint. Maybe he would put me together again and start over. And when I burned, I hoped I would feel every lick of the flame against my skin. I'd never been brave enough to feel how the fire would feel. I hoped it hurt. I hoped it was agony.

I sighed. It wouldn't matter how bad the physical pain was, no matter how much I deserved it, It would be dwarfed easily by the pain inside me now. There was no worse pain then this. I cringed as a fresh wave jolted through my body. When would this end?

I tried to picture her face again.

"Brown eyes." I told myself. "Brown eyes." I tried to focus on them. I thought, hoped, if I could just see them clearly, her face would come. I pictured her eyes, but they were wrong. Something about the shape was off. Or was it the color? Was everything wrong?  
"_THEY WERE BROWN_!" I thought with so much force I almost growled. I hadn't been able to make any noise since I'd dropped my phone back in Brazil. I had moved very quickly to the airport. Alice would have immediately been able to see my decision the second I made it. It was definite. There was no turning back now. I was going to die and nothing was going to stop me.

I hoped I could do it before my family reached me. But if I couldn't, though I knew it made me the darkest kind of villain, evil... I would kill my family if they tried to stop me. One of them would be bound to survive. I knew Emmett and Jasper would try to hold me back, and never stop. They would be destroyed. Then Rosalie would attack. It would be easy to obliterate her. All the hate she'd harbored for Bella now seemed like an insult to her memory. I wanted to kill her.

My biggest fear was Alice. I didn't know if she would attack me after I'd killed Jasper or if she would continue to try and stop me. Whether it was out of hatred or love, it would still rip me fresh to kill her. I was almost positive that by that point, Carlisle and Esme would let me go. They would re assemble my brothers and sisters and my family would never think kindly of me again. I smiled. I liked the idea of being thought of as the monster I was. I didn't want any sympathy, I deserved all the pain and misery I knew I'd receive and I wanted so, so much more.

I could hardly maintain the speed that I knew was necessary when I left the airport. It was sunny and I could feel the heat, see the rays glinting off my skin. I wondered if I sat in the middle of this crowded street and allowed the humans around me to see the rainbows of light reflecting off of me, if the Volturi would come for me, eliminate the need for me to ask their favor. I didn't know how long that would take though. I couldn't handle this pain any longer.

I forced myself to speed through the thick, hindering mist and I ran to Volterra. There was traffic, too many people flooding in and out of the city. The St. Marcus Day festival was tomorrow. If I was going to convince the Volturi to kill me, it had to be tonight. My breathing quickened, I liked the necessity of haste.

When I entered the city, I rushed past the hoards of people flocking in the streets. Tomorrow this would be a wave of red, though if everything went the way I hoped, I wouldn't see it. I wound the around the ancient stone buildings towards the tall tower in the center of the city.

I entered through the tourist entrance, the door they brought their pray through. The elevator came down to my floor and I pushed the button that would take me up one floor. The doors opened and a tastefully decorated lobby met my eyes. I stepped onto the stone floor, my footstep echoing in the empty space of the hall. I caught the scent of human blood, the secretary sitting at the desk.

She didn't look up until I was standing directly in front of her. When I stopped and stared down at her expectantly she looked up from the paper she was glancing over.

"Can I help you?" She asked.

I cleared my throat, hoping I would be able to speak.

"My name is Edward Cullen." I said. "My father, Carlisle is very close friends with Aro, Marcus and Caius. I would like to have an audience with them, please." My voice was hoarse and very weak.

The human in front of me glanced at my smooth white skin and my dark black eyes. Her face immediately illuminated and stretched into a wide smile.

"Hello, Edward." She greeted me. "If you would like to take a seat over there, I will certainly inform them of your presence." She flitted out from behind the desk and disappeared up the stair case to the right.

I sat in a chair you would expect to find in the lobby of a dentists office. There was faint music drifting down around me, but I found no melody in it. Everything that would be pleasant to me when I was alive, was now nothing. I sat impatiently, my eyes focused on the place that the receptionist had disappeared.

To my right, the large, heavy wooden door opened and two gray hooded figured entered the room. I looked up, and recognized them immediately.

They were exactly the same height, though they were small, the size of children. Their footsteps were in perfect harmony. Everything about them was identical. Jane and Alec. They glanced at me, their faces hard but curious. I stared back, though I couldn't show any emotion. They walked past me, and disappeared up the same steps the human had.

After I heard the door on the floor above me close, it was only another moment before it opened again and quick footsteps descended down to me.

"You may go in right away." The human secretary informed me, almost frightened. I stood up and brushed past her, not bothering to thank her.

The stairs were stone and very narrow. I walked slowly up them, pulling my body with each step. I had to continue to remind myself that I was walking to my end, it was the only thing that kept me going. When I reached the door, I paused, reaching out for the door handle. This was it. My chance to end my pain. I hadn't decided what I was going to say to them. Should I have rehearsed?

I sighed and opened the door. It was dark in the room, though it didn't hinder my vision. The guard were all present, standing around the three chairs against the back wall. I moved into the center of the room and stopped. I didn't know what to do. Every member of the guard was staring intently at me, waiting.

A door opened to my left and echoed loudly as it hit the wall behind it. Aro, Marcus and Caius entered the room. I watched them file into their chairs. The rested their elbows on the arm rests and folded their hands in front of them, pressing their lips to their fingers. They too stared at me.

I waited, unsure what to say, hoping they would speak first. Eventually, Aro moved.

"Hello, Edward." He said.

"Hello." I managed.

"You've requested our audience..." He continued, expectantly. "What can we do for you?"

I stared for a moment.. unsure of how I was going to present my argument. I was lost for words.

"How is Carlisle?" Marcus asked, seeing my hesitation.

"He's very well...thank you." I replied.

"We've heard he has gathered quite the coven." Caius said. "There are five of you now?"

"Seven." I corrected. "Two more joined our family a few decades ago."

Aro raised his eyebrows, "Seven. That's remarkable. I've never heard of a coven becoming so large. Not outside our own here in the tower."

"We like to think of ourselves as a family, rather than a Coven."

"I see." Caius said.

The uncomfortable silence entered the room again. Several members of the guard looked towards the three vampires sitting in the center of the gathering. I searched my mind. How could I explain what I wanted? I wanted to scream, just kill me, please! But I thought it may not be the best way to go about my request. I wanted to seem logical, cool headed. I didn't want to seem desperate.

"Perhaps if you came here, Edward. If you would simply place a finger upon my palm, I will know what it is you desire to ask of us." Aro suggested.

I hesitated, but decided it was better than trying to keep the hysteria, the pain out of my voice and try to speak. I moved forward very slowly. I was very conscious of each step I took. Aro reached out his hand, holding it palm up. His eyes were friendly, excited. I knew the second I touched him, he would read my mind, know every thought I'd ever had. I imagined he didn't often have new thoughts to hear, I understood his excitement.

The guard around him moved in tightly as I approached the thrown, specifically the vampire standing directly behind Aro. She had been hidden in the shadows and I'd hardly noticed her until this point. Her thoughts told me she was a body guard, her special gift would protect Aro if I chose to attack him. I could feel how uncomfortable the guard was as I came so close to Aro, Marcus and Caius. If they understood how entirely consuming my grief was, how crippling the pain that filled every facet of my being, their fears would disappear. I was no more a threat to them now as was the human downstairs.

I looked at Aro's hand. His this was so white and papery, almost translucent. How long had it been since he'd left this tower? Judging by the dusty film over his eyes, I guessed it must have been centuries.

I stretched out my hand and touched his palm with my index finger. I felt a slight jolt as my thoughts began to fly through my head. I could see everything he saw flashing in his mind as well as my own. It was a strange feeling. It took several moments for him to pull his hand away from mine. And I watched him, nervous for his reactions.

"Interesting." He said.

"What is it, brother?" Marcus asked.

"It seems Carlisle has really gathered a fascinating coven." Aro answered, amused.

"What do you mean?" Caius hissed.

"There's so much talent." Aro replied, not braking his gaze from mine. "Even Edward here is exceptional. His gift is much like my own, a mind reader. Though he does not require the physical contact that I do."

"Hm." Marcus said.

"There's more." Aro continued excitedly. "A mood manipulator, Jasper I think his name is. And Alice." His eyes sparkled. "I would very much like to meet, Alice."

"She is gifted too?" Marcus wondered.

"Oh very much so. She has visions of the future." Aro smiled.

"Her visions are subjective." I said suddenly. I was worried that I had allowed to much by giving Aro a window into my family. His eyes glittered.

"Why has he come? Let us be done with this!" Caius spat impatiently. He looked interminable bored with my presence.

"He has come to ask for death." Aro said quietly. The boredom lessened in Caius' eyes. All the eyes in the room quickly glanced at Aro and then back to me. I saw the vampire to my left, who I knew as Felix, stiffen slightly. Excitement was clouding his thoughts. I was glad. I hoped he would be the one to do it. He didn't look merciful. My eyes shifted to Jane, there was a smile on her lips.

"Edward." Aro began. "I have seen that you are unhappy the way you are living now. I can help you. I admire you. Your talent would be a fine addition to our own family here if you'd accept my invitation to join us. You don't have to end your life to end your suffering."

He didn't understand at all. My life was already ended. The body that stood before them was only the remains of what I had once been. My body only survived to contain the crippling pain that plagued me. Bella had destroyed me when she had ended her own life. I only ask that the Volturi finish the job and destroy my body.

"I'm honored by your invitation." I said. "But I cannot accept. There is no end to my suffering now other than to end my life."

"Pity." Aro said. He turned to his brothers and then looked back at me. "We shall deliberate on what to do with your request and we shall send for you in the morning. Until then, I hope you reconsider my offer." He smiled.

I was frozen where I was, not quite sure what to do. All the eyes in the room were on me as I turned for the door. Slowly, I began to walk down the stairs, hearing no movement behind me as the heavy oak door clicked closed.

I walked into the lobby on the floor below. The human receptionist stared at me with wide eyes as I shuffled past her. Where was I going to go? Tomorrow morning seemed liked a millennium away. I'd told Bella all those months ago that when she died I would follow as soon as I could. I was standing at the door, unable to open it. The idea of curling up in a dark alley, feeling this pain for another interminable night was unbearable. It was impossible. I couldn't comprehend how I could physically withstand this pain for another night.

"Excuse me?" a voice said from behind me.

I turned and saw the human receptionist behind me. I couldn't say anything, I just stared at her.

"If you need a place to stay for the night, I've been told to offer you accommodations." She smiled. I nodded and followed her down to the elevator. She stared at me the entire time we were in the elevator.

"What was it like?" She asked in awe. I looked at her confused.

"Being with all of them, together? All of the brothers and the wives and the guard?" she continued.

I looked away from her. Human worship of vampires, it was just like Bella. She asked me about the Volturi in the same awe that Bella had once used when she talked about joining me by ending her human life. I'd wished I'd taken the option when I'd had the chance. If the choice was between Bella as a Vampire and Bella dead, I wouldn't have hesitated.

Another wave of pain jolted through me as I once again saw the extent of my selfishness. Why must I wait til morning? Why couldn't I die now.

When the elevator stopped, we both got out and she led me down the hall. She stopped at thick, heavy oak door with an iron handle, I didn't bother to help her push it open though I could see that she was struggling. When the door did swing open I found myself in a dark room with plush chairs and thick carpeting. There was a large bookcase filled with hundreds of Old Novels and Shakespeare originals against right wall.

I stepped into the room as she gestured me in. The door closed behind me and I walked to the bookshelf. On the second shelf from the top, not quiet in the middle was a small leather bound book that was old and tattered. I brushed a finger against the broken lining to wipe the dust away from the embossed lettering. Romeo and Juliet.

I felt the pain stab me again as I thought of Juliet, of Bella, lying in her tomb, cold and unmoving. Juliet would wake, Bella would not. Bella would remain cold and still forever, her perfect skin decaying with the years, until eventually she was nothing more than dust.

Bella, my Juliet was dead, and thus Romeo must die as well. I moved away from the bookshelf and lie flat on the thick carpet. The pain that had manifested as a thick fog that swirled around me, cutting into me every time I thought of Bella, suddenly engulfed me. It filled me, swirling in and out through my pores, burning like acid each time it entered and left my body. It was excruciating. Like lying in a fire that burned a thousand time hotter than any normal flame. Like having molten lava pour over your body, and yet I never burned away. It kept coming.

My insides were being shredded, each piece being torn into smaller and smaller pieces though they never disappeared. I was being cut by thousands of hot knives. My body was being crushed by thousands of pound so pressure, like being miles beneath the ocean's surface with no protection. I was suffocating. For the first time in a century, I felt the need to breathe, and I couldn't. Breathing would help alleviate the pain, but my lungs couldn't work under the pressure.

I writhed there on the floor for hours, the pain never diminishing or even weakening. If anything, it was getting stronger. I thought back to when I had been changed all those years ago. The burning in my veins as Carlisle's venom changed every cell in my body. It had been feather tickles, a warm bath, the light caress of warm soft fur against cold skin compared to this pain. I would have gladly taken it a thousand times over.

More hours past and the pain continued to consume me. It was changing me, erasing everything that made me who I was. I couldn't remember my father's name or my sister. The only thing I could picture from my past was Bella's defeated face from that day in the forest. I needed death to come. The sweet release it would bring was almost unimaginable. This pain was so intense, so consuming, I couldn't remember what life had been like without it. Had their been life without it?

I grabbed the image of Bella trying to focus on it. I attempted to weed through the pain on her face, to focus only on individual features instead of looking at the whole. Her eyes... What color had they been? Her cheeks? I couldn't remember how they flushed that beautiful color of pink. How did her mouth set when she smiled? I was losing her. Every time I tried to focus on a feature, it would slip from my memory and the pain would take its place.

What color were her eyes? I search frantically through my slipping memories. Desperate for any image of Bella. I couldn't let her go. She was the only bright point in the blackness of my pain. If I could just see her eyes, I would make it through this. I searched and searched, fighting the pain that was devouring my mind as it replaced memory after memory, but I couldn't find them anywhere.

Then, like the blinding flash of breaking dawn over a clean snowy meadow, I saw them. Her eyes, milk chocolate brown. So warm and deep. The pain dulled slightly and I clung to those eyes. Focusing on them intently, desperately trying to keep my body from feeling anything.

The door opened and the human receptionist walked inside.

"They're ready for you." She smiled.

I stood up, slowly. My muscles were weak and barely worked.

_"This is it." _I told myself. _"Death is coming." _I followed the human from the room, shuffling behind her down the hall and into the elevator. She moved her arm towards the staircase that led to the Volturi's tower, beckoning me on. I wondered for a moment if I would be able to walk without something to follow.

Very consciously, I place one foot in the direction of the stairs, then I moved the other to follow it. Each step was forced, very deliberate. It was slow work making my way up the stairs. The fog was thick, thicker than it had ever been. Trying to navigate through it was frustrating. It was like trying to walk through water, each step was hindered by the resistance of the mist.

When I finally reached the top of the stairs, I reached out and shoved my body weight against the door. Normally, I would have probably launched the door from its hinges, now it slowly creaked open. I took another forced step into the room, and another until I was standing in front of the concerned eyes of Aro.

"Good morning." he said. "And welcome back."

I couldn't croak out a thank you, nor could I nod my head. I just stared at him, my face unchanging.

Aro smiled and reached out his hand, palm up. I looked at it intently. Could I move that far? Now that I was stopped, I didn't know if I would be able to build the momentum to move forward again. If I did make it there, would I be able to lift my hand to his? Everything was so heavy now. My body was a stone, waiting for its executioners to grant it salvation.

I forced myself forward, shuffling my feet across the floor. Every member of the guard stared at me, their thoughts unbelieving. Had any vampire suffered as much as I did now. I caught the mental tune of Jane on my left. Her thoughts were joyous, she was enjoying the pain that flowed through me. I guessed she'd like to add her own cruel gift to my suffering. I did too. Perhaps the pain she would inflict on my body could distract me from the real pain that filled me now.

I lifted my hand and place it on his. His face brightened as he began to see my thoughts run through his mind. I watched them too, cringing as he saw my pain. When he saw what he wanted, he pulled his hand from mine.

"Edward." he said disapprovingly. But his tone was like an adoring father who had found his favorite child taking a cookie from the jar before dinner. I looked away from his gaze and shuffled back into the center of the room. His tone worried me.

"How was your stay with us last night?" he asked, though he'd already seen how I'd spent those long hours in the room below.

I nodded and managed to whisper, "Thank you." in a quiet, ghostly voice.

"Wonderful." He said, clapping his hands together and glancing to his brothers. They stared back at him, as did every member of the guard. I scowled slightly. It disgusted me that he could so readily write off my pain.

"Edward, my brothers and I have been discussing your situation all night. You're very gifted and It would hurt us very much to end the life of someone with as much potential as you have. Therefore, I'd like to extend my invitation for you to join us one last time before I answer your request." Aro spoke again.

I shook my head. "No, thank you." I paused and then croaked. "Please."

Aro stared through me, obviously disappointed at my refusal of his second offer. The Volturi were famous for never offering second chances. I hoped I hadn't offended him enough for him to refuse my request. I stared back at him, trying to will the answer out of him.

Aro could sense my impatience. "I'll get to your request soon enough." He smiled. "But first, I hoped you could tell me more of your...sister Alice."

I tensed slightly. "What would you like to know?"

"How do her visions work?"

I was worried. I knew how Aro collected talented vampires to add to his guard. For a moment, I pictured Alice standing next to Jane, her dark spiky hair hidden beneath the gray cloak. Her eyes bright ruby.

"We don't know how they work." I said quickly.

Aro looked at me puzzled. "What does she see?"

"It depends." I said, non nonchalantly. "She sees many different things and every thing she sees is subject to change. Mostly she sees things that happen to my family in the immediate future. Other times she sees the weather or changes in the stock market."

"Could she predict events, find vampires who were breaking our laws?"

I shook my head. "It doesn't work like that. She only sees things that happen to the people she's attuned. That's why most of her visions are about my family. Her visions change as people make decisions. We never rely to heavily on the things she sees." The last part was a lie.

"Hm."

"My request." I asked.

His expression changed slightly. "Edward..." He began. I panicked.

"Aro, please, please try to understand. I've lost everything. If you could only know the pain that I was in, you wouldn't hesitate. Its cruel the way you make me stand here before you, allowing me to feel this pain for one more moment. Please, Aro, please understand. I'm not even living anymore. I stand before you a hollow shell of what I used to be. All that is left of me is the pain. Please..." I knelt to the ground, falling to my knees, begging before him. "Please, I beg you, end my suffering."

"The cause of this pain is the human?" Aro asked, intrigued again.

I nodded, my eyes falling to the floor. "Please." I begged in a whisper.

"How I wish I could have known her." He went on. "I could see in your thoughts how her blood appealed to you, and yet you resisted. Such a strong pull."

I couldn't stand his stalling. "Aro?"

He looked down at me, his eyes filled with disappointment. "Edward, it's not in our nature to destroy the lives of our own kind. You have not broken any law, we have no reason to dispose of you. I wish I could explain to you in a way that would make you believe me. The pain that you are feeling now will pass. If you would join our group here, I would personally help you through this. It's so easy for our kind to push away the pain of death from our minds. How else would we survive for so many millenia?"

I looked at him imploringly one last time. "Please." I whispered.

He shook his head. "I'm sorry, Edward. Our decision has been made."

I got up off the floor, looking into the eyes of each member of the Volturi. They stared back at me with strong conviction. I would not be able to persuade them to change their mind.

Defeated I turned towards the door and opened it. Aro spoke before I could slip through the door.

"Please visit us again, my friend." He said, happily.

I hated the warmness in his voice. He so readily displayed his happiness when he had just condemned me to a world of darkness and pain. It didn't matter, I didn't care about the Volturi's decision. One way or another, I would find a way to end my life. He had told me he couldn't order my execution because I had not broken a law. If that was the answer I'd find a law to break and wait for death.

I slipped through the door, and flew down the stairs. My mind was racing through the different ways to warrant death. The first law, never reveal yourself to humans. Our world must be kept secret at all cost.

I looked out the window into the pale purple light of the early morning. The first of the red cloaked tourists had begun to gather in the square. St. Marcus Day was about to begin.


	16. Chapter 15 St Marcus Day

Chapter 15

_"Bella, we're leaving." I said. Don't give her a choice, that was a good way to start. _

_She breathed in too. "Why now? Another year-"_

_I cut her off. The offer of more time was more than I would be able to handle. _

_"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty and he's claiming thirty three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."_

_She looked at me confused and I stared back at her, keeping my face cold and hard. The numbness started to set in again and her warmth was doing nothing to keep it away. I knew this was it. I was about to lose control. _

_Realization swept across her face. "When you say we-" She began._

_"I mean my family and myself." _

_She shook her head, not grasping what I had just said. It was a full minute before she spoke again, and when she did her voice was cracking. _

_"Okay, I'll come with you." _

_"You can't, Bella. Where we're going... it's not the right place for you." _

_"Where you are is the right place for me." She pleaded. _

_"I'm no good for you, Bella." _

_"Don't be ridiculous. You're the best thing in my life." She begged._

_"My world is not for you." I said, frowning. _

_"What happened with Jasper- That was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" She said, frantically._

_"You're right," I began. " It was exactly what was to be expected." _

_"You promised!" She screamed. "In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"_

_I couldn't handle the pain in her voice. It hurt me worse than I had expected, and I had though that would have been impossible. _

_"As long as that was best for you." It was never best for her. _

_"No!" She yelled angrily. "This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!"_

_I couldn't handle this, I was a monster. I could feel the pain radiating off of her. I needed a new approach, this wasn't working. _

_I took a deep breath, this was going to be the hardest lie yet. The hardest lie I'd ever told. The hardest lie ever spoken on this earth. It was complete blasphemy, and I'd never forgive myself for saying the words I was about to speak. _

_"Bella," I started, though my silent heart was breaking. "I don't want you to come with me." If I could have been stabbed, could have felt a skull crushing blow, could have been torn apart slowly with a chainsaw, the pain would not be equal to what I was feeling now. _

_"You...don't...want me?" She said, finding what I had tried to say and sounding confused. This wasn't going to work. She knew that she was my only reason to exist, I tried to go on anyway. I had expected this to take hours, hadn't I?_

_"No." It was all I could say. _

_She stared into my eyes, trying to find the joke. I stared back cold and hard. It was all I could do to keep from falling to the wet ground, crippled with pain. _

_"Well," She said finally. "That changes things."_

_I couldn't believe it. Would she really let me get off the hook this easily? How could she possibly accept that as an answer? I immediately cursed myself for uttering those words because as I looked in her eyes I saw that she had believed them. Why had I chosen this way to do it? I couldn't stand to look at her. Of course I loved her! There was nothing on the earth that I cared about a fraction of the amount that I loved her! I was angry at her for believing my lie. I took that anger and used it to speak clearly. It was the only emotion I had but the crippling pain. _

_ I looked away from her. "Of course I'll always love you... in a way." I refused to leave allowing her to believe that the months I had spent worshiping her were a lie. But I couldn't allow that need for her to understand my lie to ruin my departure. _

_I continued. "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. because I'm... tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human." I looked back at her. _

_"I've let this go on much to long and I'm sorry for that." Really truly sorry. _

_I wanted to melt to her feet and beg her forgiveness. Confess my love. Tell her I would never leave her but I couldn't. If I was human, I'm sure I would be dying, my heart breaking. _

_"Don't" She whispered, begging, tears coming. "Don't do this." _

_I stared at her. _

_"You're not good for me, Bella."_

_She tried to speak but couldn't. I waited, not breathing. Hoping desperately for a retaliation. For her to refuse to believe my lie and cling to the truth. _

_"If that's what you want." she said._

_I couldn't say anything, I just nodded._

_"I would like to ask one favor though, if that's not too much." I said._

_"Anything."_

_"Don't do anything reckless or stupid." I said. It wasn't a request, it was a command. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"_

_She nodded. _

_"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course." I added, "He needs you. Take care of yourself-for him."_

_She nodded. "I will." She said weakly._

_I swallowed. "And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time that you see me. I wont come back. I wont put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed. _

_She started to shake. I wanted to hold her, but I was frozen. _

_"Don't worry." I said. "You're human, your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."_

_She looked up at me. "And your memories?" She choked out._

_"Well."_

_"I'll never stop thinking about you, even for one second, for my entire existence."_

_"I wont forget, but my kind...we're very easily distracted."_

_I smiled and stepped away from her, the smile was for her, the distance was for me. Every muscle in my body seemed to be stretching out for her. _

_"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." _

_"Alice isn't coming back." She said, it wasn't a question. _

_I shook my head. "No, they're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you good-bye."_

_"Alice is gone?" She asked, her voice almost gone. _

_I felt terrible. This is what Alice had been afraid of, why she hated me now. "She wanted to say goodbye." I said quickly, "But I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." _

_She swayed slightly. I couldn't hurt her anymore. _

_"Goodbye, Bella." I said, turning away._

_"Wait!" She yelled. She stumbled forward, reaching out for me. I wanted nothing more than to reach back to her. To take her in my arms and hold her. Wipe the tears away but I couldn't. _

_I reached for her hands and pinned them to her side. I brushed my lips across her forehead wishing I could cry too. To have the release that she did. _

_"Take care of yourself." I breathed. _

_And then... I left. _

I sat in the back of a dark alley, out of sight from the passing throngs of people. The sun was rising higher in the sky and it was getting more difficult to hide myself from it's rays. I was running my mind through different ways to break laws, but they were all too much for me to stomach.

At first I thought of simply jumping out from the alley and killing one of the humans that walked by, but Bella wouldn't have liked that.

"_You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might ever happen to me, you are not allowed to hurt yourself."_

_"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point."_

The conversation from last spring played over and over in my mind. I'd lied to her. I had put her in danger, repeatedly. Surely, one more discrepancy couldn't hurt, I was already condemned to hell anyway. I tensed as a human walked to the mouth of the alley and stopped, reaching down to pick up three coins he had dropped while putting away his money.

I bent low, ready to spring. My muscles reacted automatically, tightening to add more power to the release. I pushed off the ground but was immediately planted into it again, my face slamming against the concrete with all the force of my jump. The pain had jolted me again, and my muscles ceased to work.  
The man who's life I'd been about to end jumped and looked into the alley. I rolled behind the bins that concealed me from the view of the street. When he saw nothing, he began to walk again and I curled tighter, hoping to cut of the pains path through my body. Violence was out.

The sun moved over head another degree and I crawled a few centimeters towards the wall to avoid its light. I set my mind back to work on laws. Never reveal yourself to the humans. Should I just walk out into the crowd and yell that I was a vampire? This was St. Marcus Day, they'd think it was a joke. Everyone was pretending to be vampires today.

I tried to think of a way to prove it to them. I wouldn't be able to kill anyone, I'd already seen that. I doubted my muscles would be strong enough to prove my strength or propel me enough to show my speed.

The sun moved another degree and its light brushed the skin of my hand. I was so distracted by my plans, the sudden rainbow light that glinted up to my eyes took me by surprise. And then it hit me, sunlight. It was so simple. How could I have been so blind? I'd moved into this alley to avoid its rays, hadn't I? It seemed rather stupid now. Why had I tried to avoid the sun, when my whole goal was to reveal myself to the humans? The pain was clouding my mind.

I looked up to the sun. It wasn't positioned directly over head yet. What time was it? Nine o'clock? Ten maybe? I knew that people were still flooding into the city. I wanted to make sure that I made this the biggest production possible. The more people that saw me, the sooner death would come.

I climbed the wall behind me into the shadowy courtyard of the Volturi's stone building. When I was inside, I found a place to hide, to wait until noon. No shadows, no place to hide. The perfect setting.

The hours ticked by and the pain grew worse and worse. It was consuming me slowly, yet entirely. Staying hidden was nearly impossible. It took all of my conversation to remain silent. I wanted to scream in agony, but I couldn't. My silence was key to my death. The seconds ticked into minutes. The minutes passed into hours, until finally after years and years of waiting in excruciating pain. It was five minutes until noon.

I stood up and slowly began my march to death. The dark stone walls seemed oddly fitting. I was a prisoner walking to his noose. The trick was that noose was my salvation. I was moving very slow. The pain was growing with every step, as if it insisted on burning me entirely before I could end it. I could hear nothing, see nothing, taste nothing, smell nothing, feel nothing. All there was, was the fog.

Two minutes to noon.

I was at the door that lead to the city, directly under the clock tower. It would ring, catch peoples attention, and they would see me. I opened the door.

One minute to noon.

The noise in the courtyard was almost deafening. Hundreds of people swarmed through the red crowd, laughing and yelling. I was nervous that they wouldn't hear the clock. I began to unbutton my shirt, maybe if they couldn't hear it, I could force myself to run through them, forcing them to look at me. My fears were suddenly depleted, a loud clear sound rang through the city, and as suddenly as the noise had begun I felt the most wonderful sensation.

Nothing. I lost all feeling. The pain completely disappeared and was replaced with the glorious feeling of nothing. Complete numbness. I was peaceful, I was about to end.

"I'm coming, Bella." I whispered.

Bong.

The white shirt that concealed my skin fell in a flood around me.

Bong.

I lifted my arms palms up.

Bong.

My leg moved inches forward, one step.

Bong.

The other leg followed.

Bong.

I took a deep breath.

Bong.

Another step.

Bong.

Another breath.

Bong.

The line of sunlight on the stone ground was coming closer.

Bong.

I stepped across the dark line, feeling the heat.

Bong.

"NO! Edward, look at me!" My angel was calling me.

Bong.

Something light brushed into me and I caught it in my arms.

Bong.

I opened my eyes and looked down. She was there, warm in my arms. Death had done nothing to her perfect face. I stared down at her, taking in every feature that I'd tried so hard to remember in the last moments of my life.

"Amazing." I said, in wonder, "Carlisle was right." I was in heaven.

"Edward." She said, "You've got to get back into the shadows. You have to move!" Her voice was music. I smiled at her. Did she know that we were both dead? I had no desire to explain to her that all danger had disappeared, I just needed to hold her.

I brushed my hand against her cheek.

"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing. They're very good." I said to myself. My voice was amused. I loved the soft, warm skin of her cheek. I bent over and pressed my lips into her soft hair.

"Death that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty." I smiled at her. "You smell just exactly the same as always. So, maybe this is hell. I don't care, I'll take it."

And I would. Death was more glorious than I had imagined it. The pain that had been the entirety of my final months on Earth had vanished completely. There was no trace of its echo left. I could feel myself, whole, once again. This couldn't be hell, life was truly hell.

Bella's angel reached for me again, her arms looked as though they were shoving into my chest. I couldn't feel the pressure, it was too light. I had remained a vampire in death, her scent would always plague me and I would never get to kiss Bella the way I wanted to. It didn't matter, having her this way forever, was better than not having her at all.

When she spoke, I couldn't understand the panic in her voice. "I'm not dead, and neither are you! Please, Edward, we have to move. They can't be far away!"

I was confused. "What was that?"

"We're not dead, not yet!" Her eyes began to shift around the courtyard.

_"He's mine." _A mental voice much like Felix's echoed in my mind.

"But we have to get out of here before the Volturi-"

In that moment, I knew she was right. I didn't know how it was possible but I didn't have time for answers. All I knew at that moment was that the Volturi was coming, and through some miracle, Bella stood before me, alive and human.

I pulled her into the alley a few feet behind us and pinned her against the wall, falling into a protective crouch in front of her. It was only seconds before the hooded cloaks appeared in front of us.

"Greetings gentlemen." I said, in my smoothest voice. "I don't think I'll be requiring your services today. I would appreciate it very much, however, if you would send my thanks to your masters."

Felix smiled at me from under his cloak. "Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue?" He asked, menacingly.

I knew what that meant. He wanted to take us into the tower. I wouldn't allow him to lead Bella into that death trap. "I don't believe that will be necessary." I said, my face hard and dangerous. "I know your instructions, Felix. I haven't broken any rules."

"Felix merely meant to point out the proximity of the sun." Demetri said pleasantly. "Let us seek better cover." The tone of his voice worried me.

"I'll be right behind you." I said. "Bella, why don't you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?" I asked smiling. I didn't want her to worry about me while I was below.

"No, bring the girl." Felix hissed.

"I don't think so." I hissed at him, my voice cold and hard. I crouched in front of Bella again.

"No." Bella whined behind me.

"Shh." I whispered back to her.

Demetri walked to Felix's side and placed his hand upon his arm. "Felix," He warned, "Not here." He turned his pleasant face back to me. "Aro would simply like to speak with you again, if you have decided not to force our hand after all." He smiled.

I stared back, my face still hard. "Certainly. But the girl goes free."

Demetri's face echoed a false regret that caused my muscles to tighten. "I'm afraid that's not possible." He said. "We do have rules to obey."

I growled. "Then I'm afraid I will be unable to accept Aro's invitation, Demetri."

"That's fine." Felix answered, his body tightening for the kill.

"Aro will be disappointed." Demetri coaxed.

"I'm sure he'll survive the let down." I spat back at him.

They both began to fan into a wide arch around the alley, hoping to push me out of sight from those on the street and surround me at the same time. I didn't move. I was ready to fight them to the death. I'd lost Bella one, I'd never lose her again.

As the approached closer, a new scent wafted towards me and everything in me sunk. It was Alice.

She walked to the entrance of the alley and smiled at us. "Let's behave ourselves shall we? There are ladies present."

Why was it her? Why not Emmett or Jasper or Even Rosalie? It wasn't that I worried she wouldn't be a help in a fight. I knew how lethal her gift made her. But if something did happen, I couldn't stand to lose her too.

As Alice came into a crouch in front of me, Felix and Demetri straightened. They didn't like the odds of fighting a mind reader and vampire they knew could see the future.

"We're not alone." Alice chimed menacingly.

The guards eyes turned back into the crowd, seeing a family of humans staring at us with curiosity on their faces.

Demetri looked back at me. "Please, Edward. Let's be reasonable?"

"Let's." I agreed quickly. "We'll leave quietly now, with no one the wiser."

He sighed. "At least let us discuss this more privately."

My jaw snapped together as six more men in red cloaks joined the family watching us. I could feel Bella shaking behind me. There was no need for her fear, I would never let them hurt her.

"No." I growled.

Felix smiled and tensed. I could feel Alice next to me, almost bobbing with anger. She was going to protect Bella too. I had underestimated her love for my angel. Alice was prepared to die too.

"Enough." a small, high voice screeched behind us.

Felix and Demetri immediately relaxed their stance and sank into the shadows as Jane's small, childish form came into the alley. Her eyes were glinting ruby under her cloak, and her face was furious.

I relaxed my position in defeat. There was no way I could protect Bella from Jane. No one could. Alice stood as well, but not in the way I did. She was not going to let Jane stand in the way of protecting Bella. She was more foolish than I was.

"Jane." I said, quietly and with no emotion.  
"Follow me." Jane said in a monotone voice. Felix smiled and gestured us on. Alice danced in front, following closely in Jane's wake. I hesitated for a moment before wrapping Bella in my arms, close to my side and pulled her along with me.

We moved down the alley. It became more narrow as the grown moved downward. I could see Bella looking at me with panic in her eyes as we moved but I didn't look down at her. I kept my eyes focused on Jane, and my mind was focused on the two vampires that followed behind us. Bella opened her mouth as if she was going to speak but I quickly shook my head. Now was not the time for the answers to her fears, she'd know soon enough.

I shuffled up to Alice, keeping Bella close to my side. "Well, Alice." I said, keeping my tone light in order to ease some of Bella's fear, "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see you here."

Alice was true to character, putting her own worries aside for the sake of Bella. She answered me in the same conversational tone. It was if we were discussing the weather.

"It was my mistake. It was my job to set it right."

"What happened?" I asked. Though I was almost to the point of desperation for this answer, I kept my tone light, almost bored.

"It's a long story." Alice said, carelessly. "In summary, she did jump off a cliff, but she wasn't trying to kill herself. Bella's all about extreme sports these days." Her eyes flashed to Bella.

When I turned to look at her, she was glowing pink, staring at the ground.

_"You wouldn't believe what I found when I went to Forks!" _Alice shouted angrily in her thoughts. I could tell she was furious with Bella, and figured I was about to be too.

_"She's gone completely insane. Did you know her best friend is a werewolf? A YOUNG werewolf. I almost killed her when she told me, so nonchalantly. It was as if she was telling me he had brown eyes or something. And then on top of that, she KNEW about Victoria and Laurent and she __didn't even bother to call! She's been tromping all over Forks, alone... and now she's taken to cliff diving because she saw her La Push friends doing it. Reckless is an understatement and you can take that promise she gave you and shove it. I swear, the girl NEEDS a full time body guard. I tell you Edward, if you try to keep me away again, You won't need to go to the Volturi, I'll kill you myself."_

"Hm." I said, curtly. Bella and I would have to have a discussion later. That is if we made it out of this alive. At least if we died this time, it would be together, and I would go first.

We came to the end of the alley and Jane disappeared down the hole at the base of the wall that led to the underground of the tower, Alice followed quickly behind her.

I turned to Bella, keeping all worry off my face. I hated to see her frightened. I took her to the edge of the hole.

"It's okay, Bella. Alice will catch you." My voice was low but I said it with a half smile. I still couldn't believe the relief I felt being around her. Saying her name, hearing her say mine.

She half nodded, looking back at Felix and Demetri. Then she sat on the edge of the hole and dangled her legs over the edge.

"Alice?" She called hesitantly.

"I'm right here, Bella." Alice chimed from below. I could see the fear on her face again. I grabbed her wrists and lowered her as far into the hole as I could reach.

"Ready?" I asked.

"Drop her." Alice called up to me.

I listened to Bella falling for half a second, worry filling me, until I heard the soft thud of her landing in Alice's arms. I sighed and then jumped in the hole after her.

I wrapped her close to my side and smiled widely as she put her arms around my waist. I'd missed her warm touch so much. Despite the fact that we were both in mortal danger, I couldn't fight the happiness that radiated in me. I had my Bella back, and I was never going to let her out of my sight again.

I shuffled her forward, holding her tightly every time she stumbled along the way. Still my clumsy little angel. As the grate above us closed and the light from the street disappeared, I felt Bella's grip tighten around my waist. She would be unable to see in the pitch black of the tunnel.

Walking with Bella through this dark hall, her gripping to me in terror was irritating me. This is not how I wanted our reunion to be. I wanted to see her, safe and radiant with happiness. I wanted to hold her close, to kiss her lips and spout promises of my eternal love. I ran my fingers over her soft pink lips and brushed her cheek with my fingers. A few times, I leaned over her and kissed the soft waves of her hair. I was only now realizing that I might never get my real reunion with Bella.

Her heart beat quickened as we descended deeper under ground. She clutched on to me tighter and I answered by caressing her face. As the darkness of the tunnel began to fade, surrounding us in a dull gray light, I looked down at her face. Her eyes were wide, her face had lost all color. I felt her shiver in my arms.

When I heard her teeth begin to chatter, I looked at her wet clothes and the faint condensation of her breath. I let go of her, taking only her hand in mine, but she shoved her body against me.

"N-n-no!" She stuttered with the cold, wrapping her arms around me. I rubbed my hand quickly up and down her white skin, hoping I could generate some heat with friction. It was too much to hope. My cold skin did nothing to warm her.

Jane kept moving more quickly and then slowing down to our pace. Felix sighed in irritation behind us. They were not as used to the human pace as Alice and I were. And I would not hurry Bella to her death.

We came to a gate at the end of the tunnel and I pushed Bella through into the large bright room. We walked across the floor to the heavy oak door that led to the lobby below the tower. Bella relaxed now that she could see, but the close proximity to the Volturi did not relax me. Instead, ever muscle in my body tensed. This was it, our judgment.


	17. Chapter 16 Verdict

Chapter 16

We walked through the door into the bright room. The dull gray carpet and the bright white walls seemed to comfort Bella more. It was warmer in here and the room was well lit, but Jane was standing in front of the elevator that would lead us to our death. I glared at her and pulled Bella towards her, keeping her tight to my side. She jumped slightly as the dead bolt on the heavy door behind us clicked closed.

Jane held the elevator door open for us, looking entirely bored. I scanned her thoughts but found nothing helpful. She wasn't even thinking about us. I wondered if that was a good sign. Surely she would be more excited if we were all about to die. Or was she so sure of our fate that she didn't bother with excitement? Perhaps she was already thinking of her next kill.

When the elevator doors closed and we moved upward, Jane, Felix and Demetri pulled their hoods down, their faces completely relaxed. I saw Bella study their faces, her own face showed her fear and she pushed herself into me. She glanced at me and examined my own expression. I didn't look down at her, my entire focus was on Jane.

In all too short a time later, the elevator stopped and we stepped into the familiar lobby. Door that led to the staircase was standing dark and ominous to the right.. I knew what those stairs led to and I automatically placed myself between the door and Bella.

We stepped forward towards the large, shiny desk in the middle of the room and the human receptionist smiled up at us.  
"Good afternoon, Jane." She said. Her eyes glanced to me and then to Bella cowering behind me, her expression did not change. She knew what was about to happen.

Jane barely recognized the receptionist who had greeted her so warmly. She passed her offering a short nod and said, "Gianna." And continued up the stairs. Felix brushed passed us and winked at the human, she giggled and then stared at us as we moved passed. Jane opened the wooden doors that led to the staircase. Alec stood waiting for us.

"Jane." He said warmly.

"Alec." She said back. They embraced and kissed each other's cheeks. Then Alec turned to us.

"They send you out for one and you come back with two." He said happily, and then his eyes fell on Bella. "And a half." He spat disgustedly. "Nice work." Jane laughed, I scowled at him.

"Welcome back, Edward." Alec said, turning to face me. "You seem in a better mood."

"Marginally." I said flatly. Bella repositioned herself tighter to me again, hiding slightly from Alec's gaze. He laughed at her fear.

"And this is the cause for all the trouble?" He asked, skeptically. I could tell by his tone that he couldn't understand my fascination with the perfect being clinging to me. I smiled at him in response and then tensed again.

"Dibs." I heard Felix hiss behind me. Anger erupted in me and I turned on him, snarling and ready to spring. Alice reached out for my arm.

"Patience." She whispered.

I stared at her.

_"If we cooperate with what they tell us to do. If we show no sign of hostility, we'll have a better chance of escaping with our lives. Bella's life at least. Technically, she's done nothing wrong." _

Knowing that I might possibly be able to save Bella's life calmed me and I turned away from Felix, though I pictured myself tearing him apart in my mind. Then I remembered Aro's gift and I pushed the thought out of my head.

Jane took Alec's hand and they led us down the hallway to the final wooden door. Alec opened the door for Jane and they disappeared up the stone steps. Bella began to shiver again as we left the heat of the room and entered the stairway, but we were too close to the Volturi now, she would not leave my side again.

We wound our way up the stairs until we reached the wooden door that separated us from the three members of the Volturi. Alec turned the handle and I pulled Bella behind me.

We entered the room, but Aro, Caius and Marcus were not in their seats like I had anticipated. Only Aro was present and he stood amongst the guard, talking casually. When Jane walked forward, everyone in the room turned to look at her. A smile touched Aro's lips and he moved towards her.

The informality of the situation made me nervous. I couldn't see why we had been brought here if not to be put on trial. Surely there should be more tension in the room.

"Jane, dear one, you've returned." Aro said as he walked forward. Bella's mouth opened in awe as she watched him move. She'd never seen the grace of the very old vampires. I imagined if she had met them on happier circumstances, they would have amazed her.

Aro cupped Jane's face in his hands and kissed her. She smiled back at him.

"Yes, master. I brought him back alive, just as you wished."

"Ah, Jane." He smiled. "You are such a comfort to me." Then his gaze turned towards us and he his smile widened. His face was elated as his eyes fell on Alice and I moved closer to her.

"And Alice and Bella too!" he said, clapping his hands. "This is a happy surprise! Wonderful!" He turned towards the vampire behind me. "Felix, be a dear and tell my brothers about our company. I'm sure they wouldn't want to miss this."

"Yes, Master." Felix said, nodding. And he disappeared through the door behind us. I was relieved to have him gone, though only slightly. There was a bigger danger surrounding us, directly in front of us, coming up the stairs behind us. The Volturi were about to decide our fate.

"You see, Edward?" Aro said once Felix had gone. "What did I tell you? Aren't you glad that I didn't give you what you wanted yesterday?"

I pulled Bella closer to me. "Yes, Aro, I am."

He smiled widely. "I love a happy ending, they are so rare." His gaze turned to Alice who immediately tensed, her hands balled into tight fists. "But I want the whole story. How did this happen... Alice? Your brother seems to think you infallible, but apparently there was some mistake."

"Oh I'm far from infallible." She smiled back at him, though maintained her stone position. "As you can see today, I cause problems as often as I cure them."

"You're too modest." Aro chided, speaking again as if he were an adoring father. "I've seen some of your more amazing exploits and I must admit I've never observed anything like your talent. Wonderful!"

Alice glanced worriedly at me but I kept my eyes focused on Aro. He mistook Alice's glance as confusion rather than worry and went on.

"I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced properly at all, have we? It's just I feel as though I know you already and I tend to get ahead of myself. Your brother introduced us yesterday, in a peculiar way. You see, I share some of your brother's talent, only I am limited in a way that he is not." He smiled adoringly at me again.

"And also exponentially more powerful." I added. I didn't want him to envy any one of my family members. He could so easily ensnare Alice and myself by threatening Bella's life. I turned to Alice and explained Aro's previous sentence. "Aro needs physical contact to hear your thoughts, but he hears much more than I do. You know I can only hear what's passing through your head in the moment. Aro hears every thought your mind has ever had."

Alice raised her eyebrows and I saw Aro study her reaction.

"But to be able to hear from a distance." Aro sighed, interrupting whatever Alice was trying to tell me. "That would be so convenient."

The door behind us opened we all followed Aro's eyes to the vampires entering the room.

"Marcus, Caius!" Aro called joyously, "Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her. Isn't that wonderful?" He asked. Neither Caius nor Marcus showed any sign of excitement. They simply moved to his side and stared at us.

"Let us have the story." Aro continued, his enthusiasm not diminished by his brothers' boredom.

Caius moved to his thrown, slumping into it as though he would like to continue whatever it was he was doing before it came. I didn't know if that was a good sign, or a bad one.

Marcus brushed passed Aro before he joined his brother, touching his palm for a moment and then moving away. I snorted as I saw Marcus try to put a limit on the connection between Bella and myself. Alice looked at me confused.

"Thank you, Marcus. That's quite interesting." He focused his gaze on Bella. "Amazing, absolutely amazing."

_"What?"_ Alice asked impatiently. I leaned closer to her.

"Marcus sees relationships." I explained. "He's surprised by the intensity of ours."

Aro smiled at my explanation and continued. "So convenient." He said. "It takes quite a bit to surprise Marcus, I assure you." He looked at my arm, wrapped securely around Bella.

"It's just so difficult to understand, even now." He said. "How can you stand so close to her like that?"

"It's not without effort." I said, smoothly.

"But still- la tua cantante. What a waste!" He sighed. He knew how sweet her blood would be to me, and if confused him why I would not take the opportunity and devour her. Marcus had obviously underestimated my love for the perfect human at my side.

I chuckled at the slight victory. "I look at it as more of a price."

Aro's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "A very high price."

"Opportunity cost." I replied.

He laughed. "If I hadn't smelled her through your memories, I wouldn't have believed the call of anyone's blood could be so strong. I've never felt anything like it myself. Most of us would trade much for such a gift, and yet you..."

"Waste it." I finished for him.

He laughed again. "Ah, how I miss my friend Carlisle! You remind me of him- only he was not so angry."

"Carlisle outshines me in many ways as well." I said, once again attempting to diminish my value in his eyes.

"I certainly never thought to see Carlisle bested for self control of all things, but you put him to shame."

"Hardly." I said, impatience growing in my voice. I was tired of the niceties. I wanted to know what was going to happen, but I found no resolve in Aro's mind.

"I am gratified by his success." Aro continued, ignoring my sharpness. "Your memories of him are quite a gift for me, though they astonish me exceedingly. I am surprised by how it pleases me, his success in this unorthodox path he's chosen. I expected that he would waste, weaken with time. I'd scoffed at his plan to find others who would share is peculiar vision. Yet, somehow I am happy to be wrong." He smiled again.

I waited.

"But your restraint!" He cried again. "I did not know that such strength was possible to inure yourself against such a siren call, not just once but again and again and again. If I had not felt it myself, I would not have believed."

I was struggling to remain still. I did not like the way he spoke of Bella's scent. I didn't want anyone in the room to be thinking of how sweet the blood was that flowed in her veins. My grip tightened marginally on Bella's arm.

"Just remembering how she appeals to you." Aro chuckled, "It makes me thirsty."

I tensed but Aro brushed off my fears.

"Don't be disturbed." He said. "I mean her no harm. But I am so curious about one thing in particular." His eyes shifted back to Bella and he held out his palm. "May I?"

"Ask her." I said flatly. I would not give anyone permission to approach her, perhaps Bella would feel the same.

"Of course, how rude of me." Aro crooned and glanced behind me. "Bella, I'm fascinated that you are the one exception of Edward's impressive talent- so very interesting that such a thing should occur. I was wondering, since our talents are so similar in many ways, if you would be so kind as to allow me to try= to see if you are an exception for me, as well?"

Bella looked up to me, terror in her eyes. I could see that she was not fooled by Aro's kind facade. He would test her regardless of her decision. I nodded encouragingly to her in the hope that cooperation would work in our favor.

She turned to face Aro though she did not take a step forward. Instead, she raised her hand, slowly. It trembled slightly as she stared at him.

Aro glided towards us, looking at Bella reassuringly. I could see in his thoughts that he would not hurt her, so I relaxed slightly. Beneath the fear, I was curious if she would keep him out too.

He placed his own palm in hers and I waited for her thoughts to rush through his head. But there was nothing. Aro did not look pleased. Doubt flushed across his face and then curiosity.

"So very interesting." He said, slowly walking backwards. It was oddly satisfying to know that I wasn't the only one that couldn't hear Bella's thoughts. A smile touch my lips and then, as I saw the idea flash into Aro's mind, it disappeared and I shook my head.

"A first." He said, disappointed. "I wonder if she is immune to our other talents... Jane, dear?"

"NO! I growled. Alice grabbed me but I shook her hand off. As I tensed, so did other members of the guard. Aro looked unconcerned.

"Yes, Master?" Jane asked, skipping to Aro's side.

I snarled, the sound ripping from my chest. I was ready to spring upon Jane, I didn't care what the consequence was. The people around me shifted uncomfortably, staring at me in disbelief. Felix was excited, this was the fight he'd been waiting for.

Aro continued as though he hadn't noticed my reaction. "I was wondering, my dear one, if Bella is immune to you."

I growled again, more furious this time. My grip fell from Bella's arm and I moved in front of her, crouching though not low enough to put her in their sight.

Jane turned towards me, her face broken into a demonic smile. I launched myself at her.

"Don't!" Alice cried, too late.

The pain hit me very quickly and knocked me to the ground. I writhed under the agony but my thoughts stayed clear. I had felt worse pain than this only hours ago, I could stand it. I knew Bella couldn't. I would let Jane torture me until her blood lust had vanished, if only I could satisfy her.

Jane smiled down at me, menacingly. I heard Bella shriek somewhere behind the pain.

"Stop!" she screamed. I looked towards her and saw her jump towards me. Alice grabbed her and pulled her back, her grip was unbreakable against Bella's weak attempts at escape. I refused to scream, to let Bella know the extent of my pain. It would terrify her more. I writhed under Jane's gaze for only a few more minutes and then Aro stopped. her

"Jane." He said quietly. She looked at him, smiling and the moment her gaze left me, the pain stopped.

Aro inclined his head towards Bella and Jane's gaze fell on her before I could move in the way again. I waited for her screams of agony, waited for the sound that would pain me more than if I took the full blow of Jane's gift for hours. But it didn't come.

Bella just stared down at me, still struggling pointlessly against Alice's arms.

"He's fine." Alice whispered quickly in her ear. I sat up and then stood very quickly. I was waiting for it still. The screams that would surely come were haunting me. Bella's expression of worry did not change. I looked at Jane and her face was furious, concentrated on Bella. Relief washed over me.

Bella glanced at Jane too late, waiting for the pain. But I knew it wouldn't come. I moved towards her, taking her from Alice. She crushed into me again, burying her face in my chest.

Aro laughed, exhulted that he was not the only one who could not affect Bella. "Ha, ha, ha, This is wonderful!"

Jane hissed in frustration on leaned forward. She did not like the rejection.

I tensed again, ready to protect Bella against Jane's attack but Aro stopped her.

"Don't be put out, dear one," Aro said comfortingly. He put his hand on her shoulder, "She confounds us all."

Jane's upper lip curled back to expose her teeth as she continued to glare at Bella.

"Ha, ha, ha." Aro laughed again. "You're very brave, Edward, to endure in silence. I asked Jane to do that to me once- just out of curiosity." He shook his head, remembering what the pain had been like. I glared at him.

"So what do we do with you know?" Aro sighed, finally addressing our future. Both Alice stiffened. This is what we had been waiting for. I could feel Bella tremble at my side.

"I don't suppose there's any chance you've changed your mind?" Aro asked me, hopefully. "Your talent would be an excellent addition to our little company."

I hesitated. What was the right answer. I didn't know if my refusal would condemn us to death or set us free. I weighed each word very carefully as I spoke.

"I'd... rather... not." I said.

Aro's expression did not change as he looked to my left. "Alice?" He asked.

"No, thank you." She said, smiling.

"And you, Bella?"

I had not expected this. I hissed and crouched again. Bella looked confused, as if she didn't understand what he was asking.

I knew exactly what he wanted. Bella's ability to block his talent intrigued him. He was curious to see how her human ability would manifest if she were turned.

Caius interrupted Bella's hesitation. "What?" He demanded.

"Caius," Aro began, "Surely you see the potential. I haven't seen a prospective talent so promising since we found Jane and Alec. Can you imagine the possibilities when she is one of us?"

Caius looked away and Jane's eyes flashed. Anger erupted in me again and it radiated from my body. I was fighting the growl that was building in my chest. Bella regained her voice and spoke quietly.

"No, thank you." Her voice broke, slightly. The fear was very apparent.

Aro sighed. "That's unfortunate." He shook his head. "What a waste."

I hissed. "Join or die, is that it? I suspected as much when we were brought to this room. SO much for your laws." I was furious, the words dripping with my anger.

"Of course not." Aro said. "We were already convened here, Edward, awaiting Heidi's return. Not for you."

"Aro." Caius hissed from the back of the room. "The law claims them."

My eyes shot to the vampire in the back of the room, my gaze full of venom. "How so?" I barked.

Caius raised his hand and pointed a long, white finger at Bella. "She knows too much." He said. "You have exposed our secrets."

"There are a few humans in on your charade here, as well," I barked.

Caius smiled as best he could through the bored look on his face.

"Yes," He agreed. "But when they are no longer useful to us, they will serve to sustain us. Htat is not your plan for this one. If she betrays our secrets, are you prepared to destroy her. I think not."

Bella moved her face away from me. "I wouldn't-" She began but Caius gaze silenced her.

He continued. "Nor do you intend to make her one of us. Therefore, she is a vulnerability. though it is true, for this, only her life is forfeit. You may leave if you wish."

I curled my lips back. If Bella wasn't leaving, then neither was I. And I was not going to let them take her with out a fight.

"That's what I thought." Caius said, almost smiling. I felt Felix inch towards us.

"Unless.." Aro interrupted. "You do intend to give her immortality. I pursed my lips. It was not my intention at all. Though I had seen that I would not be able to tear myself away from Bella, my previous decision was still intact. I had no way of knowing if they would believe a lie.

"And if I do?" I asked.

Aro smiled. "Why, then you would be free to go home and give my regards to my friend Carlisle." He hesitated for a moment and then continued. "But I'm afraid you would have to mean it."

He could see through my mind then. I couldn't see a way out of it. Then only way they would be satisfied was if I turned to Bella now, and sank my teeth through her soft, white skin.

Aro raised his hand. He was going to see the lie in my thoughts. I stared at him, not knowing what to do. Caius relaxed knowing that my lie would soon be revealed. Bella looked up to me, panic stricken.  
"Mean it." She whispered. "Please." I didn't know if the plea was to help us escape or is she was still determined for immortality. It didn't matter. I would not end her life. My face tightened as I stared into Bella's face. I couldn't do it. I couldn't allow her to join me and I couldn't allow her to be slaughtered. It didn't matter though, as soon as I touched Aro's hand he would know that I did not intend to change Bella, and we would all be killed. I couldn't allow myself to make the decision.

I was about to turn to Aro, admit my guilt, but Alice stepped forward. I watched her confused as she placed a finger on Aro's palm.

Aro motioned the guard away from him as he watched Alice's thoughts... and visions. He saw the distinct vision that I'd seen so many times over and over in her mind. Bella, cold, hard and white.

Aro laughed in excitement when Alice pulled away. "Ha, ha, ha! That was fascinating!"

"I'm glad you enjoyed it." Alice said flatly.

"To see the things you've seen- especially the ones that haven't happened yet!" His eyes were glowing with want.

"But that will." Alice said determinedly.

"Yes, yes, it's quite determined." He agreed. "Certainly, there's no problem."

"Aro..." Caius complained.

"Dear Caius, do not fret. Think of the possibilities! They do not join us today, but we can always hope for the future. Imagine the joy young Alice alone would bring to our little household... Besides, I'm so terribly curious to see how Bella turns out!"

Aro was convinced. I smiled. Alice may see today that Bella would be turned, but my determination to keep her human was bound to change that eventually. He didn't realize how easily that future could change, no matter how much Alice believed it would happen.

"Then we are free to go now?" I asked.

"Yes, yes." Aro smiled. "But please visit again. It's been absolutely enthralling!"

"And we will visit you as well." Caius said cooly. It was a threat. "To be sure that you follow through on your side. Were I you, I would not delay too long. We don't offer second chances."

I tightened my jaw and nodded. I would deal with that problem later. Right now, I wanted Bella as far away from this place as possible. Felix groaned behind me.

"Ah, Felix." Aro smiled again. "Heidi will be here any moment. Patience.

That sparked fear in me again. It would only be too easy for a mix up to occur in the frenzy as the vampires attacked the throngs of humans that were about to enter the room.

"Hmm. In that case, perhaps we'd better leave sooner rather than later." I said.

"Yes." Aro agreed. "That's a good idea. Accidents do happen. Please wait below until after dark though, if you don't mind. "

"Of course," I agreed and tightened my grip on Bella's shoulder, ready to whisk her from the room. Aro's voice stopped me again.

"And here." he said, motioning to Felix. He took the cloak from Felix's shoulders and threw it at me. "Take this. You're a little... conspicuous."

I laughed once. "Thank you, Aro. We'll wait below."

"Goodbye, young friends," Aro said.

"Let's go." I said urgently, and pulled Bella towards the door.

Demetri led us down the stairs, but Alice tensed at my side. "Not fast enough." She muttered.

I could hear the throngs of people coming up the stairs and see the vision flash in her head. I pulled Bella tighter.

"Well this is unusual." A man's voice floated up the stairs.

"So medieval." A female answered.

The humans came into view and I moved Bella behind me. I hoped she didn't make the connection, though I knew that she wasn't that oblivious.

They moved passed us towards the top of the tower.

"Welcome, guests! Welcome to Volterra!" Aro sang from above. The humans continued to file into the room, some looked nervous, others excited. I pulled Bella's face into my chest, waiting for the crowd to thin enough for me to push Bella away. Seconds later, I grabbed are and moved her as quickly as I could down the stairs. I could see the tears welling in her eyes.

We came to the ornate hallway two floors below. Bella seemed relieved to be down the stairs but I knew the relief would only be temporary. This room was not far enough away to shield her from the screams. I watched her eyes land on the figure standing in the middle of room. I'd never seen her before, but her beauty and the mini skirt that revealed her smooth legs told me exactly who she was.

"Welcome home, Heidi." Demetri greeted her. She smiled.

"Demetri."

"Nice fishing." Demetri smiled at her.

"Thanks. Aren't you coming?"

"In a minute." Demetri smiled. "Save me a few."

Heidi nodded and moved towards the door, staring at Bella the entire way. I pushed Bella forward, trying to force speed out of her that I new was impossible. She ran after me as we made our way through the hallway, Alice close behind. I hadn't even touched the door knob when the screaming began.


	18. Chapter 17 Flight

Chapter 17

Demetri left us once we'd pushed through the door into the ornate lobby. Gianna was sitting behind her desk, once again focusing on the papers in front of her.

Don't leave until dark." Demetri said firmly before he had turned back through the door. I nodded and moved Bella deeper into the room.

"Are you alright?" I asked her. My voice was coarse. I wasn't sure if we were entirely out of danger yet. My worries wouldn't be over until we stepped off the plane in Seattle.

"You'd better make her sit before she falls," Alice suggested. "She's going to pieces."

It was true. She was shaking so violently her teeth chattered. Her eyes unfocused and refocused and then unfocused again. I wondered if she was about to faint.

Panic erupted in her once she realized that she was shaking and deep gasps erupted from her chest.

"Shh, Bella, Shh." I said and pulled her away from the sofa into my chest. I moved her as far away from Gianna as possible, her gaze was dangerously curious. I knew everything that happened while we were here would make it back to Aro.

"It's alright." I said, pulling her into my lap and wrapping her in my coat. I brushed my hands through her hair "You're safe, it's all right."

"All those people." She sobbed.

"I know." I whispered.

"It's so horrible." She continued to choke out the deep sobs. I ran my hand up and down her back soothingly.

Gianna walked over to us, her face was distantly concerned. "Is there anything I can get you?" She asked.

"No." I said coldly.

She nodded and then disappeared back to her desk.

"Does she know what's going on here?" Bella coughed. She was starting to gain more self control but her voice was still no more than a whisper.

"Yes. She knows everything." I said.

"Does she know they're going to kill her someday?" She asked, softly.

"She knows it's a possibility."

Her eyes widened in surprise.

"She's hoping they'll decide to keep her."

"She wants to be one of them?" Bella asked, shocked. I almost rolled my eyes. Bella of all people should not be shocked. Hadn't she asked me for the same thing over and over again, no more than a year ago. Was her memory that poor that she'd already forgotten everything about the time we'd spent together.

"How can she want that? How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want a part of that?"

I didn't say anything. She could finally see it. How monstrous my kind was. My question had been answered. Bella didn't want me to mean that I would change her, she wanted me to mean the lie so we could escape. She would probably send me away once she was safely home. Would I be able to leave. I felt the echo of the pain again.

"Oh, Edward!" She cried, sobbing uncontrollably again. Her tears we so thick that her face was completely drenched after only a few of them had fallen from her eyes.

"What's wrong?" I asked panicked. I rubbed my hand on her back again. She threw herself at me, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck. I froze, unsure what I was supposed to do. She hugged herself tighter tone.

"Is it really sick for me to be happy right now?" She asked.

I couldn't think of anything to do other than to pull her tighter to me. Nothing mattered in that moment other than how close I could hold Bella to me. It didn't matter what would happen when we got home, right now, I had her with me and I wasn't going to ruin that with what was going to happen.

"I know exactly what you mean," I whispered. "But we have lot of reasons to be happy. For one, we're alive."

"Yes." She said. "That's a good one."

"And together." I breathed.

I couldn't help it, The relief was so complete I need her to know it. That she was my only reason to be happy. I'd have taken death gladly only an hour ago. Life meant nothing without Bella.

She didn't say anything. She just nodded, blinking the last of the tears away. The rejection was almost more than I could bear. I guess I didn't need to worry about what would happen when we got home. I'd guessed right already.

"And with any luck, we'll still be alive tomorrow." I added quietly.

"Hopefully." She said uneasily.

"The outlook is quiet good," Alice said. I looked at her quickly. My entire focus had been on Bella and I'd forgotten she was there. "I'll see Jasper in less than twenty-four hours." She added. I turned my eyes to the ground. Once she was with Jasper, I would once again be without my Bella. I suddenly wished I had let Felix kill me when he had the chance.

Bella stared at me, never taking her eyes off mine. I stared back. I wished that this moment would never end. That we could stay here forever, her in my lap holding on to me. It would hurt me more later but right now, I pretended that the look in her eyes wasn't relief, that it was love. The love that I used to see in her eyes. The love I felt now.

I ran my fingers under her eyes, the dark circles stood out against her pale skin. She had not yet regained her color. "You look so tired." I said softly.

"And you look thirsty." She said, staring at my own dark circles, seeing the black in my eyes.

"It's nothing." I shrugged.

"Are you sure?" She asked. "I could sit with Alice."

I couldn't bare the thought of her moving any farther away from me. Though she was pressed into my chest, she still wasn't close enough.

"Don't be ridiculous." I said, brushing my hand against her cheek. "I've never been in better control of that side of my nature than right now."

Her eyes moved slightly and she started to chew on her bottom lip. Maybe she was the one who had wanted the distance, and she'd only suggested it as a favor to me to spare my feelings. Why did she have to be the only person who's thoughts I couldn't read. I stared at her, hoping something would flash through.

Maybe I should push her from my lap. It would be better in the end. I tried to move my arms, but nothing happened. Had I really even tried? I decided that I wouldn't move her unless she asked em to.

"What was all that talk about singers?" Alice asked, interrupting my thoughts.

"La tua contante," I said, repeating Aro's words.

"Yes, that." Alice said.

I shrugged. "They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my singer- because her blood sings for me."  
Alice laughed.

The hours ticked by far too quickly for my liking. Alice talked and I answered her, grateful for her breaking the silence. Though I knew it was probably over the line, something Bella wished I wouldn't do, Every so often I bent over her and kissed her. Her hair, her forehead, her nose, but never her mouth. I yearned for her lips.

I wondered when she would fall asleep. Several times, I leaned her away from me, wondering if she would move to the couch and fall asleep. Every time I moved her away from me, she would cling closer. Was she still scared? I stopped trying to move her.

When the sun had gone down, the double doors opened and Alec walked towards us. His eyes were now bright ruby.

"You're free to leave now." He said. "We ask that you don't linger in the city." His voice was warm and friendly.

"That wont be a problem." I said coldly. Only hours ago, he had been dreaming about the taste of Bella's blood and now he dared to speak to us as if we were old friends.

He did not seem to be affected by my harsh tone. He smiled, nodded and then disappeared behind the door once again.

"Follow the right hallway around the corner to the first set of elevators." Gianna said as I lifted Bella. "The lobby is two floors down, and exits to the street. Goodbye, now." She smiled.

Alice glared at her. I wanted to smile at her. You could always count on Alice.

I led Bella out the way I'd originally come the day before and we made our way through the flood of people very quickly. Most of the red had been replaced with dark black and gray so my own cloak blended in perfectly. I stared around at the hoards of people, plastic fangs hanging from their mouths.

"Ridiculous." I said.

Alice skipped off down a side street and I led Bella to the gate at the end of the city.

"Where's Alice? Bella whispered worriedly when she noticed Alice was not beside her anymore. "She went to retrieve your bags from where she stashed them this morning."

"She's stealing a car, too, isn't she?" She asked, as though she already knew the answer.

I smiled at her. "Not till we're outside."

It was a long walk down the winding road, though I didn't want to hurry. Every moment I spent with Bella was ecstasy. For once, I was glad I had to adapt to her human pace.

The longer we walked, the slower Bella's steps became. She must have been exhausted, how long had it been since she slept? I wrapped my arm around her again, all but carrying her as we walked on.

When we reached the stone archway at the end of the city, I felt Bella shudder. She stared at the walls and the gate worriedly, as if she was afraid it would fall and block our exit. I squeezed her reassuringly.

When we passed the archway, Alice was waiting for us in a stolen car. I opened the door for Bella and then followed her into the backseat. Surprise flashed on her face but then was quickly replaced by the exhaustion again.

"I'm sorry." Alice said, gesturing to the dashboard. "There wasn't much to choose from."

"It's fine." I said, glad for the lack of speed available in the engine. "They can't all be 911 Turbos."

She smiled through a sigh. "I may have to acquire one of those legally. It was fabulous." For everything she had done for me, there was nothing I wouldn't give her now. She'd brought me back together with Bella.

"I'll get you one for Christmas." I promised.

She turned in her seat to smile at me. "Yellow." She said.

I nodded and pulled Bella closer into my side. "You can sleep now, Bella. It's over."

She swallowed and straightened a little. "I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired." I smiled slightly. She was still a terrible liar. I moved down to whisper in her ear.

"Try."

She shook her head. "You're still just as stubborn." I sighed.

I squeezed her slightly and ran my fingers through her hair. She would fall asleep soon regardless of her will. We wound through the hills towards the airport in Florence. Once we arrived, Bella disappeared in the bathroom with Alice and changed her clothes. Alice had handed me a fresh change of clothes from her own bag and I sighed. Despite all that had happened, she was still concerned about how I looked.

The hop to Rome was very short, too short for Bella to sleep. I pulled her towards our connecting flight, wondering if I should carry her. When our flight to Atlanta leveled off in the air, Bella asked the attendant for a coke.

"Bella." I said disapprovingly. The caffeine would keep her awake for hours. I knew that's what she wanted, but I also knew that she needed to sleep.

"I don't want to sleep." she said, answering my thoughts. "If I close my eyes now, I'll see things I don't want to see. I'll have nightmares."

I hugged her closer and nodded to the stewardess as Alice whispered to Jasper on the airplane phone. The stewardess returned with Bella's soda and she sipped it quietly, becoming noticeably more and more awake as the minutes passed.

It was strange, not speaking to her. She was avoiding conversation and I couldn't blame her. What could she possibly have to say to me after I'd betrayed her so much. What could I possibly have to say to her to make it better. I just held her next to me, asking the stewardess for more soda every hour.

I traced my fingers along her skin, kissed her, hugged her close to me. I wouldn't be able to get enough of her in the short amount of time we had left. Leaving her would be agony, but if she wanted me gone, I would leave. Though I wouldn't go quite as far this time.

My plan was to re-enroll at Forks High School and life would go on as it had when Bella would first come to Forks. Only this time she would hate me. I would watch her, keep guard around her house each night. If she ever decided to move away from Forks, I would follow. Even if I had to make sure she would never see me again, I wouldn't leave her alone. And when she finally did die, I would go back to Italy. Admit that I had never turned Bella, and they would kill me.

I didn't say anything the entire flight, though there were so many things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell Bella that I loved her. How miserable I'd been without her. That I would spend the rest of her life making it up to her if she let me, but I couldn't stand the rejection yet. I held her close to my side and pretended that she wanted to be there.

When we landed at Sea-Tac airport, I sighed. My body was suddenly very heavy. I wished I didn't have to move. I wanted to stay here, with her at my side forever. Bella made a move to stand at my side, but her muscles were too weak. I grabbed her arm and helped her to her feet, supporting her as we walked off the plane.

As we walked through the security gate, I saw my family waiting us. Jasper walked quickly through the crowd, his eyes focused only on Alice. She ran to his arms but they didn't attack each other with affection the way the people around us did. They simply looked deeply into each other's eyes.

We walked towards the metal detectors and Esme and Carlisle came out of the shadows. Esme pulled Bella into a tight hug, even though I had refused to let her go. Now that our final hours were getting closer, I couldn't bear any distance between us.

"Thank you so much." Esme whispered into Bella's ear. Then she let her go, staring for a moment into her chocolate brown eyes lovingly and then she moved to me. Her arms wrapped around my neck and I could feel the slight tremors in her chest beginning.

"You will NEVER put me through that again." She said more firmly than I'd ever heard her speak before.

I smiled. "Sorry, mom."

Carlisle placed his hand on Bella's shoulder. "Thank you, Bella. We owe you."

"Hardly." Bella mumbled through a yawn. Esme glared at me.

"She's dead on her feet." She said disapprovingly. "Lets get her home.

Bella stumbled at my side, despite the fact that I was half carrying her. Eventually, Esme flitted to her other side and carried the rest of her weight.

Bella's head lifted as we approached the car. My whole body tensed when I saw Rosalie, anger bubbling in me.

"Don't," Esme whispered, shooting a pleading look at me. "She feels awful."

"She should." I said flatly.

"It's not her fault." Bella barely whispered through her exhaustion.

"Let her make amends." Esme pleaded. "We'll ride with Alice and Jasper." I glared at Rosalie as we moved towards the car.

"Please, Edward." Bella asked before she stepped in. I sighed and held her as she navigated her way into the back seat.

Emmett and Rosalie slid into the front seats. No one made a sound as the engine purred to life and we pulled out of the parking lot. Bella sighed and laid her head against my chest. Her breathing slowed.

Rosalie breathed two deep breaths and then turned to me. "Edward..." She began.

"I know." I said curtly, not wanted to listen to her rehearsed apology.

"Bella?" She whispered. Bella's head moved slightly on my chest, lifted her face to look at my sister.

"Yes, Rosalie?" She asked.

"I'm so very sorry, Bella." Rosalie said. "I feel wretched about every part of this, and I'm so grateful that you were brave enough to go and save my brother after what I did. Please say you'll forgive me."

Bella hesitated for a moment. "Of course, Rosalie." She finally mumbled. "It's not your fault at all. I'm the one who jumped off that damn cliff. Of course I forgive you."

Her words were barely coherent.

"It doesn't count until she's conscious, Rose." Emmett said with a laugh. I was glad that even he wasn't letting Rosalie off the hook.

"I'm conscious." Bella said in a garbled mess of words.

"Let her sleep." I said soothingly, and I ran my fingers through her hair again.

She slept the entire way back to Forks, which took longer than it normally would've as I kept asking Emmett to slow down. Neither he or Rosalie showed the slightest frustration with my insistence on obeying the speed limit, they understood my need.

When we finally arrived in Forks, Emmet drove straight to Bella's house and I sighed as we stopped on the curb. I got out on my side and moved quickly to Bella's, opening her door slowly as if I was trying to draw out each second.

The front door opened and I could hear Charlie's angry footsteps pounding across the lawn.

"Bella!" He shouted as I lifted her form the car.

"Charlie." She mumbled sleepily.

"Shh." I encouraged her. "It's okay, you're how and safe. Just sleep."

Charlie turned his angry face towards me. It turned purple as he yelled. "I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here."

"Stop it, Dad." Bella groaned. I rubbed my thumb against the skin of her arm. I deserved his anger.

"What's wrong with her?" He demanded, ignoring her request for kindness.

"She's just very tired, Charlie." I said reassuringly. "Please, let her rest."

"Don't tell me what to do!" He yelled. "Give her to me. Get your hands off her!"

I tried to pass her to Charlie with as little movement as possible but Bella's arms clung around me, her fingers locked together.

"Cut it out, Dad." Bella said, with real force for the first time since we'd left Italy. She opened her eyes and stared at Charlie.

"Be mad at me."

"You bet I will be," He said sternly. "Get inside."

"Okay." Bella sighed. "Let me down."

I set her on the ground as softly as I could but the moment she stood upright she began to fall forward. I caught her only inches from the ground.

"Just let me get her upstairs." I pleaded. "Then I'll leave."

"No!" Bella cried. I wasn't enough of a fool to believe that she wanted me to say. There were simply answers that I knew she needed. I tell her anything she wanted to know, but first she needed to sleep."

"I wont be far." I promised, speaking low enough that only she would be able to hear me.

"Fine." Charlie hissed, and I walked passed him into the familiar living room. Once I had laid her in her bed, I loosened her grip from my shirt and watched her breathing grow deeper with sleep. I turned from the room and walked down the stairs.

Charlie was livid. "I can't believe you would come here." He said again. "How could you even think you could come near my daughter again?"

"Charlie." I said.

"NO!" He roared. "Get out of my house. You'll never walk through that door again, do you hear? I never want to see you again. You stay away from Bella or you'll regret it!"

"I'll leave, Charlie." I said. "But I can't promise that I won't see Bella again. If she wants me here, than that's where I'm going to be."

"Oh we'll see about that!" He said moving towards me threateningly. I fought back a smile.

"I'm sorry for what I've done to her, Charlie. For what I've done to your family. But I promise, I will never hurt her again."

"You're absolutely right, you will never hurt her again!" He slammed the door in my face and I walked back down the stairs.

"You want to hunt before you come back?" Emmett suggested. "She will probably be asleep for hours."

"Yes, lets hunt." I said. "But first, I think I owe Esme a real apology."

I followed Emmett to the car and we drove silently down the road.


	19. Chapter 18 Explanation

Chapter 18

When Emmett stopped in front of our house, I looked up at the place that had held my pain during those long days. I'd expected to see the cold windows staring down at me, the overgrown lawn. I was pleasantly surprised to see that was not the case.

Carlisle had made it home hours before we had. He wasn't hindered by my demand to follow the speed limit or the stop at Bella's house. Esme had already made good use of the time. The lawn was already mowed and the gardens trimmed and shaped. The windows glowed down at me warm and welcoming. It was like the last six months had never happened.

I followed Emmett and Rosalie up the path to the door. All the coverings had been removed from the furniture and there were fresh flowers in a vase on the coffee table. Alice was in Jasper's arms, buried deep into his side. They never spoke. He just held her.

I could hear Esme's humming bird footsteps buzzing around quickly in the kitchen and I walked towards them. She was wiping the counters when I turned the corner, she looked happier than I'd seen her in months.

"Edward!" She said with a smile. "How's Bella?"

"She's sleeping." I replied. Esme nodded and threw the wipe in her hand into the garbage.  
"And how are you?" She asked, after surveying the kitchen for any last spec of filth.

"I can't describe what it was like to be around her again." I said. "I was so empty... She filled the hole the second she slammed into me under that clock tower. But I don't feel full, I feel as though I were never empty to begin with. I'm not healed, I'm complete."

"I'm happy to see you smile." Esme said, her face glowing. It was only then did I realize that I was smiling, I quickly wiped it from my face.

"I can't get my hopes up." I said. "I'll go to her and give her the answers that she wants. Perhaps she'll take me back, but I can't see how she would. I hurt her, Mom, and I almost killed her."

"She loves you, Edward."

"How can you be so sure?" My voice was an echo again.

"She came to save you."

"Because Alice asked her to."

"Because she loves you." She said again. I sighed. I wished that were the reason so badly. Esme walked to me and brushed her hands under my eyes.  
"So dark." She whispered.

"I'm fine. I was going to go hunt with Emmett..." I paused. "I need to go back to Bella. I need as much time with her as I can before she sends me away."

"It would be better for you to hunt before you spend time alone with her." Esme said warningly.

I snorted. "Isn't that why I left in the first place?"

"She trusts you. You're no danger to her. Maybe you shouldn't push it though..."

"He won't hurt her." A voice behind me said. I turned around, Alice had walked into the kitchen. It was weird to be surprised. My mind was too busy dreading the conversation I knew I had to have to focus on the thoughts around me.

"Ever?" I asked weakly.

She shrugged. "Not tonight."

I glared at her.

"I wasn't lying to Aro, Edward. It's going to happen. It's getting clearer everyday. The most clear thing I've seen in years."

"I won't end her life. I don't care what you see."

"It might not be you." She said automatically. The second the words escaped her lips, her eyes flashed up to mine in panic.

"What do you mean." I growled, my whole body was suddenly tense.

"Well, I mean I've seen several possibilities. You mostly. But I've seen Carlisle doing it, even me. But that's just recently come around, and it's not very likely. I'm pretty sure it will be you, but if you don't, Carlisle will. It's going to happen, Edward."

"No." I spat, venomously.

"You can't stop it."

I turned towards her, grabbed her forcefully, and shook her. "She's staying human." I said fiercely, "I swear, if you touch her."

Something touch my arm.

"Stop." Jasper said softly.

I didn't look at him. The fiery rage in my body began to cool and I stared into the scared eyes of my sister. I let her go and looked down at the floor.

"I have to stop it. I can't be the cause of her damnation."

No one said anything.

"Is she going to send me away?" I asked.

"I don't know." Alice whispered quietly. "I don't think she knows if she has the option."

I shook my head slowly. Carlisle and Emmett appeared at Jasper's side.

"Edward," Alice began again. "I've spent the past few days with her... She loves you. She's been miserable. She wants you."

"I hurt her. I've hurt all of you. I'm so sorry."

"Does this sob fest mean we're not going hunting?" Emmett asked.

"Later. I promise." I said.

"Fine." He turned around and collapsed on the couch next to Rosalie. The channels stopped flipping for a second.

"What time is she going to wake up?" I asked.

"You've got a while. She'll sleep through the day, wake up somewhere around midnight maybe one." Alice said.

"That's plenty of time to go hunting." Jasper said.

"No, that's plenty of time to lay next to her before she kicks me out." I said. I kissed Esme on the cheek and left the house. The garage door was opening too slowly for my liking. I wanted to be driving, speeding towards Bella. I was reaching out for the handle on the door when I stopped.

_"Get out of my house. You'll never walk through that door again, do you hear? I never want to see you again. You stay away from Bella or you'll regret it!"_

I couldn't very well have my car sitting on the curve, my visit was going to have to be kept from Charlie. I turned around and walked from the cover of the garage into the drizzling rain.

The run was exhilarating. The weight of the misery had vanished. It'd been so long since I'd run without it hindering me, I was surprised at first by the speed. I'd forgotten the feel of the wind rushing through my hair, the feather like brushes of the branches across my skin.

When Bella's house came into view, I scanned for Charlie's thoughts. He was sitting on the porch, apparently keeping good on his promise that I would never walk though his door again. A beer can opened and the wooden butt of his rifle clunked against the ground.

I chuckled quietly as I climbed the side of the house.

I could see her through the window, she was asleep. I gently shoved against the window, and it creaked open. I winced at the sound and stared into the room. She didn't move. I breathed a sigh of relief and crawled through the window.

When I was inside, I took a deep breath. Her scent was strong, delicious, but there was no burn in my throat. I took another deep breath, though the scent had not changed and was a fragrant as ever, I felt no desire for her blood. I smiled, maybe I wouldn't be a danger, maybe I could stay. But how would I convince her to take me back? I wasn't above begging.

I slipped into her bed, keeping the blanket wrapped around her so she wouldn't shiver against my skin. I lie next to her for two hours before Charlie came to check on her. I heard the door open and Charlie's heavy footsteps come up the stairs. I gently moved Bella from my side and darted to the closet. Three seconds later, Charlie silently pushed open the door and walked to Bella's side, resting his hand against her forehead and shoulders.

When he found no fever and felt her breath, he pulled the blankets up tight around her, kissed her on the forehead and left the room. I pushed open the door and positioned myself at Bella's side again. The warmth of her skin was so soothing, I didn't notice time passing. I was entirely absorbed with the feel of her next to me. So much that the third time Charlie came to check on her, he almost caught me. I only caught his thoughts in time to duck behind the bed.

Eventually, Charlie went to bed and Bella began to move slightly next to me. It was dark now, the breeze from the window was cool and moist. I knew she would wake soon. My spirit sunk as the clock ticked away my last moments with my angel.

It was three minutes after one when her eyelids began to move. At first I thought they were about to open but instead they closed shut even tighter. Was she still tired? I brushed my fingers across her forehead soothingly.

At my touch her eyes closed even tighter. She held them that way for a few moments and then sighed. Her eyes snapped open.

"Oh!" She exclaimed, throwing her hands over her eyes. She kept her face covered for only half a second before she risked a second glance.

"Did I frighten you?" I asked, leaning over her.

She blinked twice and then her eyes unfocused and darted around. She was running over the past few days in her mind. When she remembered the Volturi would she scream? I looked quickly towards the door. Charlie was snoring and I didn't know how much noise it would take to wake him up. I wasn't ready to end my time with Bella.

"Oh crap!" Bella groaned, interrupting my worries.

Her exclamation worried me. "What's wrong, Bella?" I asked.

She frowned. "I'm dead right? I did drown." She looked away from me. "Crap, crap, crap! This is going to kill Charlie."

I frowned too. "You're not dead."

"Then why am I not waking up?"

"You are awake, Bella." I wanted to reach out and touch her, sooth her. But I held my arms in place. She wasn't pushing me away yet, and I liked it that way.

She shook her head. "Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. If I wake up, which I won't because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie and Renee. And Jake.." She trailed off as she thought about the people she was convinced she left behind.

It was so like Bella to believe she was dead and not even worry about what had become of her. Her mind immediately went to her friends and family, the people she took care of.

"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare." I tried to smile, but it was short. There was too much truth in what I had said. "But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?"

She grimaced. "Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me."

I sighed.

She sat up a little straighter and looked away from me again. Her cheeks flushed at whatever she was thinking. It drove me crazy not to know. She turned towards me, realization in her eyes.

"Did all of that really happen then?" she asked.

"That depends." I said, still trying to smile, though I was failing miserably. "If you're referring to us being nearly massacred in Italy, then yes."

"How strange." She said. "I really went to Italy. Did you know that I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?"

There was none of the terror in her voice that there should have been. What did she remember? Had the more terrible parts been suppressed in her sleep, or was she delusional?

"Maybe you should go back to sleep." I said, rolling my eyes. "You're not coherent."

"I'm not tired anymore." She said nonchalantly. "What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"

"It's just after one in the morning. So about fourteen hours."

"Charlie?" She asked, stretching the soreness from her muscles.

"Sleeping." I said. "You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically since he said I'd never walk through his door again, and I came in the window. But, still, the intent was clear."

"Charlie banned you from the house?" She asked, her face turning red with anger.

"Did you expect anything else?" I asked, my eyes falling to the bed.

She shook angrily for a moment but after a few breaths and moments of silence she calmed herself and spoke again.

"So what's the story?" She asked.

"What do you mean?" I asked, meeting her eyes again.

"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for... how long was I gone, anyway?"

"Just three days." I said, succeeding more with my smile. The truth was I hadn't thought about that. I was to busy worrying about what was going to happen once Bella had gotten her answers.

"Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing."

"Fabulous." She groaned.

I squeezed her with the slightest amount of pressure and tried to make my voice comforting. "Well, maybe Alice will come up with something."

She took a deep breath and her cheeks flushed again. Her eyes were darting back and forth as she thought about her next words.

"So.." She began. "What have you been doing up until three days ago?"

A flash of the pain echoed deep inside me and I fought back a shudder. What was I supposed to tell her? That I'd spent the last months curled in a ball completely absorbed in self pity? So much that I had abandoned my family?

I turned my face from her, unwilling to meet her eyes while I spoke my lie. "Nothing terribly exciting."

"Of course not." She mumbled, shifting slightly.

That caught my attention and I looked at her again. "Why are you making that face?"

"Well..." She pursed her lips together as though she were unwilling to say what she was thinking. "If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be all used up."

I sighed. She still didn't believe she was awake. That must be why she hadn't ordered me from the house and demanded that I never return again.

"If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?"

"Nightmare!" She exclaimed. I waited for her to answer. "Maybe... If you tell me." She said after a moment.

I thought through the last six months for something that wasn't humiliating. "I... was hunting."

"Is that the best you can do? That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."

I paused, thinking about each of my words carefully before I spoke. "I wasn't hunting for food... I was actually trying my hand at... tracking. I'm not very good at it."

"What were you tracking?"

I tried to sound casual but I couldn't make my face match my tone. "Nothing of consequence."

"I don't understand." She said.

I hesitated again. I guessed I would have to tell her sooner or later. She'd known Victoria was in Forks anyway. Now was as good a time as any for my graveling to begin.

"I-" I took a deep breath. "I owe you an apology." That didn't sound right. An apology could never cover the things I'd done to her. "No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea." I was speaking to quickly now, but I couldn't help it. "I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria would come back. I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize now why. She was so sure of him. The thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him. That kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there."

I realized the direction the conversation was going in. Was I really trying to justify myself?

"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice, what she saw herself, when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself.." I stopped.

"Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now when I can feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for-"

"Stop." She interrupted.

I stared deep into her milk chocolate eyes. I needed her to know how sorry I was. She stared back, her lip trembling slightly.

After a few moments, she smoothed all the distress from her face and spoke in an even, calculated voice.

"Edward." She said slowly.

This was it. She was going to tell me to leave. That she'd moved on and didn't want me in her life anymore. The pain began to build in the pit of my stomach again. It took all of my energy to remain composed.

"This has to stop now." She said with words that cut me deeper than I'd imagined. "You can't think about things that way. You can't let this...guilt... rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, it's just apart of how life is for me. So if I trip in front of a bus, or whatever it is next time, you have to realize it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and not your fault. I know it's your... your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes. It's very irresponsible- think of Esme and Carlisle and-"

It was my turn to interrupt this time. "Isabella Marie Swan." I said. "Do you believe I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"

She stared up at me and blinked, confused.

"Didn't you?" She asked.

"Feel guilty? Intensely so, more than you can comprehend."

"Then... what are you saying? I don't understand."

I rolled my eyes. "Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead! Even if I had had no hand in your death, even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously I should have been more careful, I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it second hand from Rosalie. But really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?"

I paused for a moment, thinking about my words. "The odds." I whispered.

I thought about the tattered book I'd pulled from the Volturi's bookshelf. "The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again."

"But I still don't understand." She said. "That's my whole point. So what?"

I'd lost where this conversation was going. "Excuse me?"

"So what if I was dead?"

I stared at her in disbelief. "Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember everything that you told me."

"Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension." I said, running my finger over her lip. I shook my head slightly, trying to banish the memory of the pain I'd felt when I'd thought she was dead.

"I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

She stared at me blankly. "I am... confused."

I grabbed her by the shoulders, staring at her fiercely. "Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly. That was excruciating."

She didn't say anything.

"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye- You weren't going to let go." My voice was barely a whisper now. "I could see that. I didn't want to do it, it felt like it would kill me to do it, but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you."

"A clean break." She whispered.

"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible, that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie thorough my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry- sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry."

The scene in the forest was playing in my mind again, but in a different way then it did on the flight to Italy. I was suddenly angry at how easy it had been.

"But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?"

She looked down at her hands.

"I could see it in your eyes. That you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept- as if there were any way I could exist without needing you!"

It was frustrating me that she didn't say anything. I shook her gently, wondering if she had finally gone into shock.

"Bella." I said, my voice much more gentle. "Really, what were you thinking?"

She burst into tears. Large, wet tears that poured down her cheeks.

"I knew it!" She sobbed. "I knew I was dreaming!"

I let out a quick breath. "You're impossible. How can I put it so you'll believe me? You're not asleep, you're not dead. I'm here and I love you! I have always loved you and I will always love you. I was thinking of you. Seeing you in my mind every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

She shook her head, tears still pouring from her eyes.

"You don't believe me, do you?" I whispered. "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"

"It never made sense for you to love me." She choked. "I always knew that."

My eyes narrowed in anger. I tightened my grip on her.

"I'll prove you're awake."

I grabbed her face and lowered myself towards her, but she struggled from my grip.

"Please don't." She whispered.

"Why not?" I demanded. I didn't care if she was going to send me away. I didn't care if she really didn't want me to kiss her. I was not going to leave until I had erased all doubt from her mind.

"When I wake up..."

I opened my mouth to speak but she continued anyway.

"Okay, forget that one. When you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this too."

I pulled my face away from her and stared into her eyes.

"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so... hesitant, so careful and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on as I intended you to? That would be... quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please. Just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?"

"What kind of idiotic question is that?"

"Just answer it, please."

She stared at me. "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you, and there's nothing you can do about that."

"That's all I needed to hear." I lowered my mouth to hers and kissed her with more passion than I ever had before. I poured everything into that kiss. All the words that I couldn't say.

She was still for a moment, not moving as I formed my stone lips against hers. When I finally coaxed a response from her, there was passion on the other side of the kiss as well. A need that I felt in every part of my body.

I pulled away from the kiss to let her breathe, whispered her name and dove back into the kiss. Her body became limp and I could feel her swaying. It was enough.

I pulled away and stared at her again. "By the way." I said. "I'm not leaving you."

She didn't say anything and I knew it was because she didn't believe me. I grabbed her face again and forced her to look into my eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not without you." I said seriously. "I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy human life. I could see what I was doing to you, keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving you was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted... Than what I needed. What I want is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay- thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

"Don't promise me anything." She whispered, her bottom lip trembling.

I was beyond the point of reason. How could she still not believe me? How could she not understand that my only reason for being, was her. That it would be impossible for me to tear myself from her side, knowing the misery that waited for me in solitude? It enraged me that she didn't understand just how much I needed her.

"You think I'm lying to you now?" I asked.

"No, not lying." She said, shaking her head slowly. "You could mean it...now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me."

My muscles flinched involuntarily as the scene from Bella's last birthday ran through my mind.

"It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it? You'll end up doing what you think is right."

I thought about the months I'd laid in my bed in New Hampshire and the weeks that I'd drove up and down the west coast. I thought about the moment I'd laid on the floor in the tower in Italy, knowing I'd never see, hear or feel her next to me again. I would never be able to go back to that. It didn't matter how much of a danger I was to her. I would never be able to tear myself from her again.

"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for. Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time- and not much of it- before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."

"Be serious, please." She frowned.

"Oh I am." I insisted, sincerely. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me? Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars, points of light and reason. And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly, everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

She looked at me, pain reflecting in her face. "Your eyes will adjust."

"That's the problem-" I said. "They can't."

"What about your distractions?" She asked. I thought back to what my distractions had been. An old bloody t-shirt and a stolen pillowcase. I laughed a low hollow laugh.

"Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the... agony. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone, like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside of me here with you."

"That's funny." She muttered.

I raised one eyebrow. "Funny?"

"I meant strange- I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." She took a deep breath in and smiled. "And my heart, that was definitely lost."

I closed my eyes in shame and laid my ear over her heart. This was the reason why she didn't believe me. Why she'd send me away. I'd broken her, just as I'd broken myself.

I felt her warm cheek press into my hair. "Tracking wasn't a distraction then?" she asked.

"No." I said darkly, not moving my head. "That was never a distraction, it was an obligation."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with..." I stopped myself. If I spoke anymore, I'd end up telling her about my last visit to Forks. It would hurt her more for her to know I'd come so close and not come to her.

"Well," I continued. "Like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil- and she really came here." I looked at her with apology in my eyes.

"I wasn't even on the right continent. And all the while, worse than my worse fears-"

"You were hunting Victoria?" She shrieked.

In the next room, Charlie's steady snores faltered for a moment, but then regained their rhythm. I ran a finger over her lips.

"Not well." I said. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."

"That is... out of the question." She said firmly.

"It's too late for her." I said. "I might have let the other time slide, but not now. Not after-"

"Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" She interrupted. "That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"

I frowned, she was right. I would have to leave her to find Victoria, there was no way I was taking her with me. I snarled at the thought.

"I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria is going to die soon."

"Lets not be hasty." She said. "Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

She was right. Until this moment, I'd almost forgotten about the werewolves. I'd heard the thoughts of the pack, and Jacob had a strong attachment to Bella. I'd probably have to kill him to keep him away from her, and that would mean a fight against the whole pack.

"It's true. The werewolves are a problem." I said, nodding.

She snorted. "I wasn't talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse than a pack of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."

I was going to disagree but decided against it. I ground my teeth together and spoke different words through them.

"Really? Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoria returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?" For a second I was worried she was going to tell me about some other dangerous creature that had come to Forks. Was I right all those weeks ago? Was I going to fight Ogres next?

"How about the second greatest?" She offered.  
"Alright." I agreed.

She paused for a moment. "There are others who are coming to look for me." She whispered.

I sighed. "The Volturi are only the second greatest?"

"You don't seem that upset about it." She said.

"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again."

A look of horror crossed her face and I rubbed a finger against her arm soothingly.

"You don't have to be afraid." I said anxiously as tears welled in her eyes again. "I wont let them hurt you."

"While you're here." She said in a broken voice.

I grabbed her face and stared deep into her eyes. "I will never leave you again."

"But you said thirty." She whined. "What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right?"

My mouth set firmly in a frown. It was as if nothing had changed. Our first day back together and she already wanted to have the same argument.

"That's exactly what I'm going to do. What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul."

"Is this really.." she stopped and swallowed.

"Yes?" I coaxed.

"But what about when I get so old people think I'm your mother? Your grandmother?"

I brushed my fingers along her bottom lids, wiping the tears from her eyes. How funny that all this came down to vanity, especially when, no matter how old she was, I'd always think her the most beautiful creature in the world

"That doesn't mean anything to me. You'll always be the most beautiful thing in my world." Suddenly it occurred to me that just because her aging wouldn't bother me, didn't mean that it wouldn't bother her.

"Of course," I continued. "If you outgrew me- if you wanted something more, I would understand, Bella. I promise, I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me." It hurt to say the words.

"You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?"

"I'll follow after as soon as I can." I promised.

"That is seriously...sick." She said.

"Bella, it's the only right way left-"

"Lets just back up for a minute." She said angrily. "You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me until I'm thirty. Do you really think they'll forget?"

"No." I said. "They wont forget. But.."

"But?" She demanded, furiously.

I grinned at her anger. This was the first glimpse of the Bella I loved I'd seen since I'd come back.

"I have a few plans."

"And these plans." She said acidly, "These plans all center around me staying human?"

"Naturally." I said, my voice hard.

She glared at me and I glared back. She wasn't going to change my mind. She was staying human, whether she liked it or not. After a moment, she pushed my arms off of her and sat up straight.

"Would you like me to leave?" I asked, unsuccessfully hiding my pain at the thought.

"No." She said shortly. "I'm leaving."

I glared at her suspiciously. "May I ask where you are going?"  
"I'm going to your house." She said in the same short tone. Her arms were moving around blindly in the dark searching for her shoes. I grabbed them and moved to her side.

"Here are your shoes." I said, placing them in her hands. "How did you plan to get there?"

"My truck."

"That will probably wake Charlie." I warned her.

She sighed. "I know. But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?"

"None." I said honestly, I'd already seen in Charlie's thoughts who was going to get the blame for all of this, not that I minded at all. "He'll blame me, not you."

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears."

"Stay here." I suggested.

"No dice." She said firmly. "But you go ahead and make yourself at home." She said mockingly and turned for the door. I blocked her before she got there.

She frowned at me and turned for the window and I looked at the back of her head horrified as I saw what she was going to do.

"Okay." I sighed. "I'll give you a ride."  
She shrugged. "Either way." She said casually. "But you probably should be there, too."

"And why is that?"

"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want the chance to air you views."

My jaw clentched tightly. "My views on which subject?"

"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know. If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say."

"A say in what?" I asked, defining each word from the next. Alice's words flashed in my mind.

_"Well, I mean I've seen several possibilities. You mostly. But I've seen Carlisle doing it, even me. But that's just recently come around, and it's not very likely. I'm pretty sure it will be you, but if you don't, Carlisle will. It's going to happen, Edward." _

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."


	20. Chapter 19 Vote

Chapter 19

I stared down at her, infuriated, for a moment. This is not how I'd predicted this evening going. I'd thought the worst case scenario was that she would send me away. I was wrong. She stared back at me, the resolve in her eyes unwavering.

I sighed and wrapped her in my arms, moving quickly through the window and landing lightly on the damp earth below.

"Alright then." I said disapprovingly. "Up you go."

I held her steady, lifting her slightly as she crawled onto my back. It would have been an enjoyable run, having her with me, as it was the only thing my mind could focus on was the vote about to take place. The mutiny from my family.

She wrapped herself close to me as we flew through the trees. Her face nestled into the crease between my head and shoulder and she pressed her lips lightly against the skin of my neck. It send a shiver of pleasure over me.

"Thank you." I said. "Does that mean you've decided you're awake?"

She laughed. It was a real laugh, light and natural. The sound made me smile.

"Not really." She said. "More that, either way, I'm not trying to wake up. Not tonight."

The smile disappeared. "I'll earn your trust back somehow. If it's my final act."

"I trust you." She assured me. "It's me I don't trust."

"Explain that, please."

I stopped running, slowing to the pace of a human walk. We were close to my house now, and I wanted her answer. Maybe I could talk her out of her decision in these last few minutes alone.

"Well-" She began. "I don't trust myself to be..." She was struggling with her words, as if she didn't know how to put them together the right way. "enough." She settled on. "To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could hold you."

I immediately stopped moving and pulled her from my back. I set her lightly on the ground and wrapped her tightly into my chest.

"Your hold is permanent and unbreakable. Never doubt that." She snuggled against my chest but didn't reply to me. It irritated me.

"You never did tell me." I muttered.

"What?" she asked, not pulling away from my arms.

"What your greatest problem is."

She sighed and reached her index finger to my face, touching the tip of my nose with feather like pressure. "I'll give you one guess."

I nodded and my eyes fell, my voice was grim. "I'm worse than the Volturi. I guess I've earned that."

She shook her head. "The worst the Volturi could do is kill me." I didn't follow her. Wasn't that what she was worried about? That I would lose control and...

"You can leave me." She said. "The Volturi, Victoria... they're nothing compared to that."

It cut so deep to know the utter distrust she had in me now. Nothing I had said made any difference. She would always be worried that any day, I would break her again. I couldn't hide the misery I felt.

"Don't." She whispered, running her palm lightly over my cheek. "Don't be sad."

I tried to smile, but I could only manage to pull one corner of my mouth up into a twisted half smile. "If there was only some way to make you see that I can't leave you." I straightened my posture a little. "Time, I suppose, will be the way to convince you."

She smiled a little. "Okay."

She looked at my expression, which I was unable to prevent from reflecting my guilt. I could see her eyes darting around, looking for a new subject.

"So- since you're staying. Can I have my stuff back?"

I laughed as the meaning of her words sunk in. "Your things were never gone. I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets- they're all under your floorboards."

"Really?"

I nodded.

"I think." She said hesitantly. "I'm not sure, but I wonder... I think maybe I knew it the whole time."

"What did you know?"

"Some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether I lived or died. That's probably why I was hearing the voices."

I didn't know what to say to that. What did she mean... "Voices?"

"Well just one voice. Yours. It's a long story."

I looked down at her warily. She'd lost it. "I've got time."

"It's pretty pathetic." I waited for her answer.

"Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?"

I tried to keep the fury from bubbling to the surface. It resulting in my voice becoming flat, not one word had any inflection. "You jumped off a cliff for fun."

"Er..right. And before that, with the motorcycle-"

"Motorcycle?" I asked, taken off guard. I hadn't heard anything about motorcycles, and the shock broke through my facade.

"I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part."

"No."

"Well, about that... See, I found that... when I was doing something dangerous or stupid... I could remember you more clearly. I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry. I could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me. Mostly I tried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt so much- it was like you were protecting me again. Like you didn't want me to be hurt. And well, I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clearly was because, underneath it all, I always knew that you hadn't stopped loving me."

I couldn't wrap my mind around her stupidity. My words came out broken and confused.

"You... were... risking your life... to hear-"

"Shh!" She said suddenly. "Hold on a second. I think I'm having an epiphany here."

That you were a complete idiot? Seriously, Bella. I was holding back shaking. Images of her speeding on the wet roads on a flimsy motorcycle, jumping off cliffs, palling around with werewolves... I could feel strength building in my muscles as the strong desire to go tear Jacob limb from limb burned in me.

"Oh!" She said suddenly.

I awoke from my thoughts, suddenly worried. What was wrong?

"Bella?"

"Oh. Okay. I see."

"Your epiphany?" I asked. Why couldn't I read her mind. Why?

"You love me." Her eyes raised to mine, astonishment reflecting up at me.

I smiled. "Truly, I do."

I took her face in my hands and pressed my lips to hers. Her warmth washed over me, erasing all anxiety from me. It didn't matter what was about to happen, it didn't matter what had happened. She was here, and she wasn't going to send me away. She was mine, forever.

"You were better at it than I was, you know." I said when it became necessary for me to break the kiss.

"Better at what?"

"Surviving. You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie, followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn't actively tracking, I was... totally useless. I couldn't be around my family- I couldn't be around anyone. I'm embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let the misery have me."

I grinned at her sheepishly, embarrassed to admit my weakness. "It was much more pathetic than hearing voices. And, of course, you know I do that, too."

"I only heard one voice," She corrected me, smiling.

I laughed and pulled her against my side, holding her next to me.

"I'm just humoring you with this." I said as I led her towards my house. "It doesn't matter in the slightest what they say."

"This affects them now, too."

I shrugged. It was true, but I honestly didn't care what my family thought. I promised myself I would not take Bella's soul. She was going to stay human. I didn't care what Alice saw.

We got to the house without any member of my family noticing, which surprised me. I led Bella through the door and into the dark living room. I flipped the lights on and heard that everyone was spread around the house.

"Carlisle? Esme? Rosalie? Emmett? Jasper? Alice?" I said, rubbing my hand up and down Bella's arm.

Carlisle was at my side within the next second. He smiled warmly down at Bella.

"Welcome back, Bella." He said. "What can we do for you this morning? I imagine, due to the hour, that this is not a purely social visit?"

She nodded next to me, her eyes moving to meet mine. "I'd like to talk to everyone at once, if that's okay. About something important."

I stared at Carlisle hard and critical, wishing he was the one who could read my mind. Carlisle looked back at me curious.

"Of course." Carlisle said, smiling down at Bella again. "Why don't we talk in the other room?"

_"Ugh human. What now?" _Rosalie thought as she pulled herself towards the living room. I rolled my eyes.

We followed Carlisle towards the dining room. He pulled a chair out for Bella at the head of the table before sitting down beside her.

Esme appeared next to me as I took the seat on Bella's other side and then the rest of my family filed into the dining room.

Alice's smile was obnoxiously arrogant as she beamed at Bella, knowing already what she was going to say.

_"I told you it was going to happen." _She thought.

"Shut up." I muttered, too quietly and too quickly for Bella to hear.

Rosalie was smiling at Bella timidly, still hoping for forgiveness.

"The floor is yours." Carlisle said when everyone was settled down. I heard her swallow as she glanced nervously at my family.

"Well..." She started. "I'm hoping Alice has already told you everything that happened in Volterra?"

"Everything." Alice chirped.

"And on the way?" Bella asked a little more nervously.

"That, too." Alice smiled, nodding.

I sat a little straighter as I read the conversation in Alice's mind. She'd promised to turn Bella herself. I glared at her darkly.

"Good." Bella sighed. "Then we're all on the same page." She paused for a moment. "So... I have a problem. Alice promised the Volturi that I would become one of you. They're going to send someone to check, and I"m sure that's a bad thing- something to avoid" She looked around for reactions. Emmett's eyes shifted to Jasper's, then to Carlisle's. When he met my gaze he wiped the smirk look off his face and stared at Bella blankly. I glared around the table, daring anyone to agree with her. They'd pay for it later.

"And so, now, this involves you all." Bella continued. "I'm sorry about that." She glanced at me, but my grimace didn't deter her from continuing her speech.

"But, if you don't want me, then I'm not going to force myself on you, whether Alice is willing or not."

Esme opened her mouth, trying to reassure her how much my family truly did want her, but Bella silenced her by raising her finger.

"Please, let me finish. You all know what I want. And I'm sure you know what Edward thinks, too. I think the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote. If you decide you don't want me, then... I guess I'll go back to Italy alone. I can't have them coming here."

I growled. She would most certainly not be returning to Italy. I'd make her see my way. I'd protect her, she didn't need to lose her life.

"Taking into account, then, that I won't put any of you in danger either way, I want you to vote yes or no on the issue of me becoming a vampire." She gestured to Carlisle but I stopped him.

"Just a minute."

Bella's eyes shot to mine, glaring. I squeezed her hand and continued.

"About the danger Bella's referring to... I don't think we need to be overly anxious. You see, there was more than one reason why I didn't want to sake Aro's hand there at the end. There's something they didn't think of, and I didn't want to clue them in." A smile brushed across my lips.

"Which was?" Alice asked skeptically.

"The Volturi are overconfident, and with good reason. When they decide to find someone, it's not really a problem. Do you remember Demetri?" I asked, turning to Bella.

She shuttered, which meant she remembered.

"He finds people." I continued. "that's his talent, why they keep him. Now, the hole time we were with any of them, I was picking their brains for anything that might save us, getting as much information as possible. So I saw how Demetri's talent works. He's a tracker- a tracker a thousand times more gifted than James was. His ability is loosely related to what I do, or what Aro does. He catches the... flavor? I don't know how to describe it... the tenor.. of someone's mind, and then he follows that. It works over immense distances. But after Aro's little experiments, well.."

"You think he won't be able to find me." Bella finished for me.

"I'm sure of it." I said smugly. "He relies totally on that other sense. When it doesn't work with you, they'll all be blind."

"And how does that solve anything?"

"Quite obviously, Alice will be able to tell when they're planning a visit, and I'll hide you. They'll be helpless. It'll be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack."

Emmett glanced at me and I smirked at him.

"But they can find you." Bella said.

"And I can take care of myself."

Emmett laughed and reached to knock his fist against mine. "Excellent plan, my brother." I smacked Emmett's fist against mine and smiled back at him.

"No." Rosalie hissed.

"Absolutely not." Bella agreed.

"Nice." Jasper said approvingly.

"Idiots." Alice muttered.

Esme just glared at me. _"I said you are never putting me through that again." _

I ignored her. Bella straightened her chair as she waited for my family to shift their attention back to her.

"Alright then. Edward has offered... an alternative for you to consider." She glared at me, her words icy. "Let's vote."

She looked at me first this time. "Do you want me to join your family?"

I stared back at her firmly. "Not that way. You're staying human."

She nodded once and glanced passed me. I glared at Alice who was next in line.

"Alice?" She asked. I ground my teeth together as I saw her answer. I looked around the table, reading each of my family members thoughts. They were all decided, except Carlisle. He was warring between decisions.

"Yes." Alice said.

"Jasper?"

"Yes." It wasn't that he had a strong opinion about Bella joining our family or staying human, he would be happy either way. It would be easier for him, if Bella lost her humanity. If her heart stopped beating.

"Rosalie?"

I smiled. Though she was currently my least favorite person at this table, she was the only one who agreed with me.

"No." She said, biting her bottom lip. I winked at her. Bella turned her face towards Emmett but Rosalie stopped her, holding her palms towards her.

"Let me explain. I don't mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It's just that... this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no for me."

Bella nodded and turned to Emmett.

"Hell, yes!" He said, grinning widely. "We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri."

I glared at him. "Traitor." I whispered, again to quickly for Bella to hear. He glanced at me smugly and then focused his gaze on Esme.

"Yes of course, Bella." She said. "I already think of you as part of my family."

"Thank you, Esme." Bella said and turned to Carlisle.

I was nervous. In reality, it didn't matter what the rest of my family thought. If Carlisle voted no, it wasn't going to happen. He hadn't decided yet. His eyes met mine, tortured and unsure.

"Edward." He began. _"I don't see another way... we could..."_

"No." I growled, cutting off his thoughts. I felt my lips curl back from my teeth. He spoke aloud this time.

"It's the only way that makes sense." He insisted. "You've chosen not to live without her, and that doesn't leave me a choice."

His mind was made up. I dropped Bella's hand, shoving away from the table and storming angrily into the other room. How could my family betray me like this?

"I guess you know my vote." Carlisle sighed from the dining room.

"Thanks." Bella muttered.

I growled and picked up the coffee table, throwing it into the wall. It splintered and fell broken to the floor.

"That's all I needed. Thank you. For wanting to keep me. I feel exactly the same way about all of you too." Bella said.

It didn't matter, all of their reassuring was going to disappoint her in the end. I wouldn't let this happen.

"Dearest Bella." Esme said.

I could hear weight shifting on the floor. "Well, Alice. Where do you want to do this?"

I was back in the dining room in less than a second. "No! No! NO!" I roared. I bee lined for Bella, bending over her. My rage was dangerously out of control. "Are you insane?" I shouted. "Have you utterly lost your mind?" I'd never yelled at Bella before, not like this. She cowered under me.

"Um, Bella." Alice said in a small voice. "I don't think I'm ready for that. I'll need to prepare.."

"You promised!" Bella complained, maneuvering out from under me.

"I know but.. seriously, Bella! I don't have any idea how to not kill you."

"You can do it, I trust you." Bella said encouragingly. I snarled angrily. Everything was taking on a red hue in my anger, it worried me. I didn't know what I would do to keep my family from Bella, but I knew there wasn't much I wouldn't.

I relaxed the slightest degree as Alice shook her head in panic.

"Carlisle?" Bella asked hopefully.

I grabbed her, holding a hand out to keep Carlisle away, and forced her to look into my eyes.

"I'm able to do it." Carlisle said, ignoring my gesture. "You would be in no danger of me losing control."

"Sounds good." Bella said, though her words were slightly garbled as my hand was hindering her jaw.

"Hold on!" I said through my teeth. "It doesn't have to be now." I needed time. Time to talk my family out of it, threaten them if I had to.

"There's no reason for it not to be now." Bella said.

"I can think of a few." I spat back at her.

"Of course you can." She said, glaring up at me. "Now let go of me."

I released her and folded my arms across my chest. "In about two hours, Charlie will be here looking for you. I wouldn't put it past him to involve the police."

"All three of them." Bella said sourly. But her face lost some of it's determination. I used her moment of hesitation to convince my family.

"In the interest of remaining inconspicuous, I suggest that we put this conversation off, at the very least, until Bella finishes high school and moves out of Charlie's house."

"That's a reasonable request." Carlisle admitted.

Bella's lips curled together. "I'll consider it." Her eyes lost their fire. I knew I'd won, for tonight at least. I unclenched my jaw and my muscles relaxed. I'd have a few words with my family later though.

"I should probably take you home." I said as calmly as I could. "Just in case Charlie wakes up early."

Bella's eyes flashed to Carlisle again. "After graduation?"

"You have my word."

She took a deep breath and turned back to me. "Okay, you can take me home."

I grabbed her by the waist and rushed her from the kitchen, and the house, before anyone could say anything. I helped her climb on my back and sprinted off into the darkness. We didn't speak the entire way.

I didn't stop to reposition her into my arms when we got to her house. I tightened my grip on her and continued up towards her window. Once inside, I released her grip from me and set her on the bed.

I was pacing, thinking of ways I could talk her out of this. Or at least buy more time.

"Whatever you're planning, it's not going to work." She said.

"Shh, I'm thinking."

"Ugh." She groaned and collapsed on her bed, throwing her quilt over her face. I looked at her for a moment and then laid at her side, pulling the covers away from her. I knew what I wanted, I wanted her to be mine forever. If she wanted me to do this, wanted me to allow this to happen, she was going to have to compromise. And it would be a steep price.

I brushed my fingers across her flawless skin. "If you don't mind, I'd much rather you didn't hide your face. I've lived without it for as long as I can stand. Now... tell me something."

"What?" She asked.

"If you could have anything in the world, anything at all, what would it be?"

She looked at me skeptically. "You."

I didn't have time for her coyness, I shook my head. "Something you don't already have."

She thought for a moment. "I would want... Carlisle not to have to do it. I would want you to change me."

It wasn't the answer I was expecting, but I went with it. "What would you be willing to trade for that?"

She stared back at me incredulously. "Anything."

I smiled. "Five years?"

Her face changed from skepticism to horror.

"You said anything." I reminded her.

"Yes but.. you'll use the time to find a way out of it. I have to strike while the iron is hot. Besides, it's just too dangerous to be human- for me, at least. So anything but that."

I frowned. I wasn't in a bargaining mood, I was the one giving too much already. "Three years?"

"No!" She exclaimed.

"Isn't it worth anything to you at all?" I asked.

She composed her face before she spoke again. "Six months."

I rolled my eyes. "Not good enough."

"One year then. That's my limit."

I shook my head. "At least give me two."

"No way. Nineteen I'll do. But I'm not going anywhere near twenty. If you're staying in your teens forever, then so am I."

I wasn't getting anywhere. "Alright. Forget time limits. If you want to be the one- then you'll just have to meet one condition." I would have her forever.

"Condition? What condition?"

I stared deep into her eyes and spoke slowly, annunciating each word carefully. "Marry me first."

She didn't say anything. We stared at each other for a few seconds before she spoke. "Okay, what's the punch line?"

I sighed. "You're wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you, and you think it's a joke."

"Edward, please be serious."

"I am one hundred percent serious." I said.

"Oh c'mon." She said almost hysterical. "I'm only eighteen."

"Well I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down."

She looked away from my gaze, staring out the window. Her breathing and her heartbeat quickened. I waited patiently while she tried to calm herself.

"Look," she began. "Marriage isn't exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? It was sort of the kiss of death for Renee and Charlie."

"Interesting choice of words." I pointed out.  
"You know what I mean."

I took a deep breath. "Please don't tell me that you're afraid of the commitment..."

"That's not it exactly. I'm... afraid of Renee. She has some really intense opinions on getting married before you're thirty."

"Because she'd rather you became one of the eternal damned than get married." I said with a dark, humorless laugh.

"You think you're joking."

"Bella, if you compare the level of commitment between a marital union as opposed to bartering your soul in exchange for an eternity as a vampire... If you're not brave enough to marry me, then-"

"Well." She said, interrupting me. "What if I did? What if I told you to take me to Vegas now? Would I be a vampire in three days?"

I smiled and began to stand. "Sure, I'll get my car."

"Dammit." She muttered. She looked at me desperately. "I'll give you eighteen months."

I shook my head, smiling widely. "No deal, I like this condition."

"Fine. I'll have Carlisle do it when I graduate."

I worked my face into pure indifference and shrugged. "If that's what you really want.."

"You're impossible.. a monster."

I laughed again. "Is that why you won't marry me?"

"UGH!" She groaned. I leaned over her and breathed over her face, listening to her heart beat quicken.

"Please, Bella?" She swayed slightly and I smiled. "Would this have gone better if I'd had time to get a ring?"

"No! No rings!" She shouted. I heard Charlie stutter awake in his room.

"Now you've done it." I whispered.

"Oops."

I sighed. "Charlie's getting up. I'd better leave.." Her heart stuttered and I saw the ghostly look cross her face again. "Would it be childish of me to hid in your closet then?"

"No." She whispered. "Stay. Please."

I smiled and moved out of sight. We sat in the darkness, waiting for Charlie to open the door. I could hear Bella' fussing around with her blanket, huffing air out angrily. The door opened.

"Morning, Dad." she greeted him.

"Oh, hey, Bella." He coughed, embarrassed. "I didn't know you were awake."

"Yeah. I've just been waiting for you to wake up so I could take a shower." Her blankets rustled as if she was getting up but Charlie stopped her.

"Hold on." The lights flipped on. "Let's talk fro a minute first." There was a slight pause. "You know you're in trouble?"

"Yeah, I know."

"I just about went crazy these last three days. I come home from Harry's funeral and you're gone. Jacob could only tell me that you'd run off with Alice Cullen and that he thought you were in trouble. You didn't leave me a number, and you didn't call. I didn't know where you were or when, or if you were coming back. Do you have any idea how.. how.." He stopped speaking.

"Can you give me one reason why I shouldn't ship you off to Jacksonville this second?"

"Because I wouldn't go."

Charlie's heartbeat quickened. "No just one minute, young lady-"

"Look Dad. I accept complete responsibility for my actions, and you have the right to ground me for as long as you want. I will also do all the chores and laundry and dishes until you think I've learned my lesson. And I guess you're within your rights if you want to kick me out too- but that won't make me go to Florida."

"Would you like to explain where you've been?" he seethed.

"There was.. an emergency." Pause. "See, Alice told Rosalie about me jumping off the cliff... I guess I didn't tell you about that. It was nothing, just messing around, swimming with Jake. Anyway, Rosalie told Edward and he was upset. She sort of accidentally make it sound like I was trying to kill myself or something. He wouldn't answer his phone, so Alice dragged me to.. L.A. To explain in person.

"Were you trying to kill yourself, Bella?"

"No, of course not. Just having fun with Jake. Cliff diving. The La Push kids do it all the time. Like I said, nothing."

There was a pause in the room. Charlie's thoughts were angry and incoherant, but it only to a moment for him to find someone to pin his anger on.

"What's it to Edward Cullen, anyway?" he fumed. "All this time, he just left you dangling without a word-"  
"Another misunderstanding." Bella said impatiently.

"So he's back then?"

"I'm not sure what the exact plan is-" She hesitated. "I think they all are."

Charlie's voice became suddenly irate. "I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don't trust him. He's rotten for you. I wont let him mess you up like that again."

My shoulders fell. It would never cease to haunt me how much I'd hurt her. It would be my life's mission to make it up to her. I'd never make her unhappy again.

"Fine." Bella said flatly. My face shot up. What did she say? Was she agreeing with him? Would she send me away.

"No..." I breathed, I started to shake.

"Oh." Charlie said surprised. "I thought you were going to be more difficult."

I shook my head in disbelief. I was so sure she wanted me to stay. Where did this come from?

"I am." Bella said harshly. "I meant fine, I'll move out." I didn't like the way she was threatening her father, the longer I could keep her in this house, the longer I could keep her mortal. I didn't like it, but I still exhaled in relief.

"Dad.." She continued. I assumed Charlie's face had become as panicked as his thoughts. "I don't want to move out. I love you, I know you're worried, but you need to trust me on this. And you're going to have to ease up on Edward if you want me to stay. Do you want me to live here or not?"

"That's not fair, Bella. You know I want you to stay."  
"Then be nice to Edward, because he's going to be where I am."  
"Not under my roof." Charlie stormed.

Bella sighed. "Look, I'm not going to give you anymore ultimatums tonight- or I guess it's this morning. Just think about it for a few days okay? But keep in mind that Edward and I are sort of a package deal."

"Bella-"  
"Think it over." she insisted. "And while you're doing that, could you give me some privacy? I really need a shower."

Charlie's footsteps stormed from the room and he slammed the door closed. I stepped from the closet and moved to Bella's side before she could pull the quilt from here.

"Sorry about that." She whispered.

"It's not as if I deserve far worse." I said honestly. "Don't start anything with Charlie over me please."

"Don't worry about it." She said soothingly. "I will start exactly as much as is necessary, and no more than that. Or are you trying to tell me I'd have nowhere to go?" Her face lit up with an over the top panic.

I raised an eyebrow and frowned. "You'd move in with a house full of vampires?"

"That's probably the safest place for someone like me. Besides, if Charlie kicks me out, then there's no need for the graduation deadline, is there?"

My jaw tightened. I'd been afraid of that. "So eager for eternal damnation." I muttered.

"You know you don't really believe that."

"Oh, don't I." I said angrily.

"No, you don't."

I glared at her as she continued. "If you really believed that you'd lost your soul, then when I found you in Volterra, you would have realized immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. But you didn't- you said, 'Amazing, Carlisle was right '. There's hope for you, after all."

I didn't say anything. She was right, I really for one moment had thought...

"So, lets both just be hopeful, alright? Not that it matters. If you stay, I don't need heaven."  
I stood up and leaned over her, putting my hands on both sides of her face. I stared in her eyes, hoping she could see as deeply into mine as I was looking into hers.

"Forever." I said sincerely. My voice broke a little.

"That's all I'm asking for." She stood up and stretched up to her toes, pressing her lips lightly against mine.

I wrapped my arms around her, and kissed her back. The first kiss of the rest of our forever.


	21. Chapter 20 The End

HOOOOORAY! You've finished Moonless Night!

For more adventures in the Twilight Saga from Edward's Perspective see Living Stone (Eclipse).

I look forward to your final reviews of this story and your future reviews of Living Stone. Thank you so much for your support!

.net/s/5672272/1/Living_Stone


End file.
